OT Fic: Never Been Born

["Femvamp " <femvamp000@xxxxxxxxx>]

Sorry need a place to post this and you all know how much I like it 
here. So forgive me for this off topic fic. if I made a boo boo 
pleae remove this yell at me. Just don't flame me. I burn easily.

Femvamp.

Title: Never Been Born
Author: Femvamp
Email: femvamp000@xxxxxxxxx
Feedback: The more Feedback I get the more I write. 
Disclaimer: You all know the drill. I don't own the show. I don't 
own the characters. I don't own anything of any value except my sick 
and twisted mind (and you can't have that.)
Basic Premise: During a really bad Christmas Xander wishes he was 
never born.

Never Been Born

Xander walked into his apartment and laid down on his bed. It was 
Christmas and Xander had nothing to do. No tree to trim. No carols 
to sing. A Charlie Brown Christmas wasn't even on. It was yet 
another wonderful Christmas.

The three Summers women were out of town celebrating Christmas on some 
un-hellmouth related area. Willow was spending a quiet Christmas with 
Tara and avoiding her parent's 'but you're Jewish' lectures. Even 
Giles was busy. Xander didn't know what he was doing, but he was 
doing something. His only hope had been Anya, but Anya was somewhere 
other doing who knew what to who knew whom.

Xander never had a great Christmas to begin with. Ever since he was a 
child, Christmas had been just another day that his father drank too 
much and hit him and his mother. So why should this one be any 
different? He never had presents. He never had a tree. He never had 
a Christmas.

"I wish I was never born." Xander whispered to the ceiling.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------

Xander woke up and saw that it was snowing. 

*** Wait a minute. It's snow ON me. ***

*** Wasn't I in my apartment? ***

Xander stood up and wiped the snow off of him. He looked around but 
couldn't seem to recognize where he was. The town was Sunnydale but 
it wasn't Sunnydale. At least not the Sunnydale he remembered.

"Hello Xander."

Xander turned around and saw a young man standing behind him.

"Jessie?" Xander looked worried, "But you're dead."

"Don't you think I know it. Hell I died a vampire, remember?"

"Am I dead?" Xander asked after a moment.

"Worse." Jessie paused, "You were never born."

"What!" Xander said worried, "Of course I was born."

"No you wished you were never born and it was granted."

"Like with Cordelia."

Jessie smiled, "Yes. "

"Why?"

"To show you that your life made a difference."

"Oh come on. You forget who you're talking to. " Xander paused, "I 
couldn't even save you."

Jessie smiled sadly, "Xander life is full of decisions and outcomes. 
I made the wrong decision and my outcome was death. You didn't save 
me because I couldn't be saved." Jessie paused, "You can be."

"How?"

"By showing you what the world would have been like if you were never 
born."

*************************************************************

Xander looked around the room he was in. It was gray and dark. 

"Where are we?" Xander asked Jessie.

"Sunnydale Prison." 

"Why?"

"You'll see."

Xander watched as a woman in her twenties was led to a chair. She was 
wearing the ugliest shade of orange he had ever seen. She had a scar 
on her cheek and her red hair looked unkempt. 

"Willow." Xander said not believing what he was seeing.

"Yes, Willow."

"But how? Why?" 

"Because you weren't there."

"Oh come on."

Jessie looked at him sadly, "You saved her long before you even knew 
you did. Just by being there. Just by being her friend you put her 
on a path that turned her into an amazing woman."

"And this?" Xander asked.

"With out you she withdrew deeper and deeper into her shell. She 
never left her bedroom except to go to school. She watched Star Trek 
she became obsessed and paranoid. One day she hacked into the wrong 
computer and released a virus that shut down Sunnydale. " Jessie 
paused for a moment, "She was fourteen."

"And she landed here?"

"Not at first. She was still a minor and was given probation but she 
broke it. She served her time." Jessie paused, "Jail changed her."

"This much." 

Xander pointed to the Willow and watched as a man walked in. The man 
said something to her and Willow just nodded and then left the room.

Jessie nodded sadly, "She killed someone."

"What!" Xander shouted, "Willow could never hurt anyone."

"This Willow could and did." Jessie paused, "You were never there to 
give her the courage to be someone other then the nerd of the school. 
Without you no one was there to comfort her when she was hurt, to dry 
her tears when Cordelia Chase belittled her. No one was there."

"What about Buffy?"

Jessie paused, "Buffy is dead."

**********************************************************************
**

Xander looked around and saw that he was in a tunnel.

"Where are we?"

"You don't remember this place do you?" Jessie asked.

"Should I?" Xander asked.

"This was the place Buffy died."

Suddenly it dawned on Xander. This was the place where Buffy had 
fought the Master. Him and Angel had come in here and saved her life.

"My God."

"Without you, Buffy would have died that day. You saved her life."

:"But, Willow?"

"I told you. Willow never met Buffy. She was in juvie before Buffy 
ever came to Sunnydale. Buffy died alone. No friends and mother who 
thought she was a criminal."

"I don't want to see anymore."

"But there is more to see."

The next thing Xander knew he was standing in a street in the middle 
of Sunnydale. It was nighttime and he immediately saw a vampire 
walking down the street. Xander took a step back to avoid the 
vampire.

"Why are we here?"

"Look inside." Jessie ordered.

Xander did as he was told and saw a dark haired woman serving food to 
a bunch of truckers.

"Cordelia."

"Yes." Jessie paused, "Queen C is a waitress at a truckers dive."

"But how. I mean she is in Los Angeles."

"No she's not." Jessie paused, "You changed her Xander. You changed 
her destiny simply by falling in love with her. By making her fall in 
love with you. You changed her."

"But how?" Xander paused, "How could I change her so much."

"Without you she never found a purpose. She remained the bitch of 
Sunnydale High." Jessie paused, "Then her family lost all their money 
and she had no one to turn to. She had no friends Xander. No real 
friends like you to help her through it. Her father went to jail and 
Cordelia and her mother ended up living in a cheap motel. It 
destroyed her." Jessie paused again, "She lost her faith. Her faith 
in the world AND in herself."

"What about Giles. Where is Giles?"

*************************************************************

The next thing Xander saw was Giles sitting at a desk reading through 
and old book. Xander went to get a closer look and saw it was an book 
on demons.

"See he hasn't changed." 

"Hasn't he?"

Xander watched him read for hours. He just kept reading. 

"I don't understand."

Jessie smiled, "Look at the book he is reading."

Xander looked at the cover of the book. At first he didn't notice 
anything, then he remembered seeing the book before.

"The Master."

"Yes. When Buffy died he blamed himself. He now spends all of his 
time second-guessing himself. He never leaves his flat anymore. All 
he does is read that book. Day in and day out. He reads." Jessie 
paused, "There is no joy in his life anymore."

"But...."

"You brought him joy Xander. All you're little jokes and innuendo. 
He would never tell you this but he loved you. He loved you like the 
son he never had. He loved all of you. Now all he has left is doubt. 
Without you, they will all die alone."

Xander backed up against a wall, "No! No life has this much meaning. 
It wasn't my fault. I won't take the blame for this."

"There is no blame Xander. Only truth. The truth is that you saved 
them all and they saved you. You are a family and when one family 
member is removed from the picture the picture is changed. Without 
you, they never became them."

Xander sat down on the floor and cried. He didn't know what else to 
do. He had no idea what to do so he just cried.

"I.....I don't want this. I never wanted this."

"This is what happened because you were never born, Xander. Your life 
touched many other lives that touched many other lives, and so on. 
Without you in their life they didn't change other peoples lives. " 
Jessie paused, "People died because you weren't there. "

"Me?"

"The slayer saved lives because you saved hers."

"There are other slayers."

"Not like Buffy." 

Xander smiled, "There is no one like Buffy."

"No there isn't." Jessie paused, "I wish I knew her better."

"You would have liked her." Xander smiled and then paused, "Are you 
alive?"

"In this timeline?"

"Yes."

"No." Jessie paused, "I still died that day."

"I couldn't save you?"

"No."

"But I can save them?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"By being born."

"THEN I WISH I WAS BORN." Xander yelled.

**********************************************************

Xander woke up and heard his phone ringing. Without thinking he 
picked it up.

"Xander would you please come to my store. I need some help 
restocking the shelves."

"But it's Christmas."

"Oh...yes... I'm sorry but it is important."

Xander smiled, "Sure no problem G-man. I'll be right over."

Xander arrived at the magic shop and saw that the lights were off. 
Xander began to worry and opened the door to check to see what was 
going on.

"SURPISE!!!" 

Xander jumped as the lights went on. It took him a moment to realize 
that all of his friends were in the magic shop.

"What's going on."

Willow smiled, "I told them that you never had a good Christmas so we 
decided to give you one."

"Yes. Everyone deserves a good Christmas." Giles smiled.

"Even a loser like you." Xander turned around and saw Cordelia 
standing by the door. "But this doesn't mean I forgive you."

"Never thought it did." 

Xander smiled as Cordelia hugged him and then laughed when Anya got 
noticeably jealous.

"Thank you guys." Xander said trying to keep back the tears, "This is 
the best Christmas I've ever had."

"Well then let's get on with it." Buffy smiled, "Hey I think A 
Wonderful Life is on."

Xander just smiled. It was a wonderful life, even if it was lived on 
the Hellmouth.