End of the Month Gutter Report

[Shadow <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; UVE; And all other interested parties.
FROM: Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month Gutter Report

We come to the end of the first month of the new Millennium with only
minor reports of mass confusion and anarchy running through the list.
After a brief investigation it was found that the source of confusion
and anarchy was in fact a direct result of a formal protest from our
very own Security Chief against the List's Chief Mischief-makers and
vampire lovers... apparently the Committee's Sec Chief has begun to
boycott what he terms as "vampire fics that have Willow naked in them".
Exactly what he hopes to accomplish is a bit unclear... but if he is
expecting what he is calling a "sane fic" out of certain vampire flying
fox, he is in for one hell of a long wait. It is not my fault that
vampires tend to be drawn to the Chosen One, it is her calling after
all, or that those very same vampires keep wanting to get a certain
redhead naked.

Anyway on with the report.

Item 1:
In regards to the rumoured "prank war" between a certain Phantom
Chipmunk and a shade wearing Koala - no comment. Both forest creatures
are innocent as the day they were born and know nothing about the
repeated tee-peeing of one Wesley Wyndham-Price's apartment in Los
Angeles... nothing at all.

Item 2:
Regarding the Masked Roadrunner - Phantom Chipmunk duel to decide just
who corrupted whom and if they should just pass the blame onto Rod and
get it over with. At last count... its all Rod our ever absent and
quite mad listdad's fault.

Item 3:
Regarding the repairs to the Bronze after last weeks little brawl in
honour of the return of our favourite wer-badger biker bud. The brawl
was great... several university boys ending up in Sunnydale Emergency
with an assortment of broken bones and bruises. All repair bills are to
be sent to Rod... seeing how he was voted to be the "designated adult"
for that night and hell... he wasn't around to lodge a protest in the
first place. Teach him to ignore his listkids.

Item 4:
Regarding the reports of the resident scooter tramp riding up and down
the gutter with a scantily clad cheerleader and a dark-slayer, yelling
insults to the Riley Finn 4-life shippers. He's been gone for several
months and has a lot of mischief-making and mayhem spreading to catch up
on! Give him a break... at least he's actually pulling over to the side
of the gutter when the naughtiness on the scooter gets really heated.

Item 5:
Regarding the all night rummy tournament in the big oak by the path
leading to town... What about it? We're not hurting anyone... except
for those weirdos who insist on sleeping when there is a perfectly good
moon out. It's sickos like that who are ruining the Woods Outback for
the more nocturnal forest creatures. And no... the Woods Outback does
not have a noise ordance, nor will it ever have a noise ordance... we
got our rights too you know. Besides we are only playing Queen, Blondie
and Lynard Skynnard at their proper decimals.

Item 6:
The first annual Get Willow and Buffy Naked Society Ball will be held in
the new civic center in the South Gutter, the week of February 12th.
Everyone is invited, except for fledgeling vampires who only want to
sneak on other party goers, however all vampires who generally like to
see Buffy and Willow naked and have paid their membership dues are more
then welcome.

Item 7:
We've had some reports of strange looking beings crossing the North
Gutter, most assuming they were demons and left alone, but some of them
looked really strange. To that comes, the sighting of mysterious men in
black suits and sunglasses everytime, during, or not shortly after such
encounters. Strangly though, there haven't been any details to be found
about these "Men In Black", but we are investigating further. For now, I
ask you all to just go.... Hey! What are you doing here?...... Who are
you?... What?... What is that? What are you doing with.............

--
Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper.
Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback. The
Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief... Corrupter of the
Innocent. Torment of Quindolyn. Founding Member of the Get Willow and
Buffy Naked Society. GWBNS - a way of life.