OT: Fic: Slayer Babies (1/1)

[ladyvyxen@xxxxxxxxxxxxx]

Slayer Babies. (Dum di dum de dum, do di do de do.)
Comments/Criticism/Etc. to: ladyvyxen@xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anne-Lise giggles. "Don't even ask!" (It was a long, wet weekend.)

--

Narrator: The city of Sunnydale; And look, the wonderful citizens of 
Sunnydale are gathering for a festival in Sunnydale Cemetary! Yet 
another night of fun-filled activities. What joy! 

(Pan across happy children skipping merrily between the tombstones.)

Narrator: But one place in Sunnydale Cemetary is not filled with fun 
and frolics: The Crypt! 

(Cue creepy music.)

Creepy music: Dum dum durrrrr.

Narrator: For within this evil demesne is the lair of the revengeful, 
resentful, spiteful, law-breaking, mad, swindling, thieving, 
malicious, extorting, assaulting, crooked, dishonest, complaining, 
wicked, menacing, touchy, shadowy, villainous vampire of all time!

Spike: Oi!

Narrator: We hate you, we hate you, we hate you!

Little boy: I think he's cute!

(Cut to inside of lair.)

Spike: Now to have some breakfast! (Opens fridge.) Only one bag of 
blood left? For a nutritious breakfast, two bags are the minimum 
requirement! And I have but one where once I had two! And it is two 
that I need! (Paces.) Bloody hell, I must immediately purchase some 
blood, for I require my breakfast, and without blood I will not have 
the breakfast I require!

(Spike storms off to the Butcher's shop, where we see him patting his 
pockets.)

Spike: (Frustrated.) I have forgotten my wallet! Bugger!

(Spike storms back to his lair. Children are playing hide-and-seek in 
his tomb.)

Spike: Hey you kids, get out of my tomb! It's not meant to be played 
in. (Sotto voce) I must remember to destroy these kids after I have 
drunk my breakfast!

(Spike grins maniacally, grabs his wallet, and storms back out to the 
Butcher's shop.)

Spike: Excuse me sir, but can you please direct me to a place where I 
may locate some blood? For I would like to purchase some so that it 
may travel home with me, and I can drink it today. 

(The clerk blinks.)

Spike: And maybe tomorrow.

Clerk: Aisle 3.

(Spike buys bags of blood and storms back to his lair.)

Spike: Now to catch up on the world's latest events with this paper. 

(Spike reads the headline.)

Spike: (Disbelieving tone.) What? The Slayer saves the day? Bloody 
hell! (Angry tone.) I swear that today is the day I will develop a 
plan so diabolical and evil that I will crush the Slayer, but 
first... (Sad tone.) I must attend to the glasses that I have soiled 
with the blood that I have drunk.

(Suddenly a ball crashes through the window. Spike opens the door, 
and screams.)

Spike: Hey! You rotten kids... 

(Cut to outside the lair. Baby Buffy, Toddler Xander and Romper-Suit 
Willow (TM) are milling about nearby. Baby Buffy is swinging a 
baseball bat around madly. Spike slams the door shut.)

Spike: (Fearful tone.) The Slayer, here, now? Oh how sweet my 
vengeance will be! My plan that I have planned will surely crush the 
puny Slayer and her friends as surely as I now crush this rabbit! 

(Squeee! Crick!) 

Spike: Bwahahahaha! But wait! With my unforeseen delay in breakfast I 
have yet to devise such a plan! But rarely will such an opportunity 
be as ripe as this moment to destroy the Slayer! I must stall them, 
but how?

Buffy: (Voice only.) Hey Spike, I think our ball crashed through your 
window. Can we have it back?

Spike (Sotto voce): The ball? 

Spike: (Loudly.) Oh, ah, one moment please! 

Spike (Sotto voce): Yes, yes, the ball! I will hide the ball and the 
Slayer will have to retrieve it but they will not find it for I will 
have hidden it! And they will have to stay here until I destroy them 
and there will be no more slayer. Bwahahahaha!

(Cut to outside the door to the crypt.)

Buffy: Spike, are you in? Spike. Spike! (Hammers on the door.)

Xander: (tugs nervously at his nappy.) Oh come on, he's not here. 
Let's go!

(The door creaks ominously open. Xander falls over backwards in 
shock.)

Spike: Oh hello little Slayer. Why don't you all... Come inside! 
Bwahahahaha!

(The scoobs look at each other, nervously.)

Willow: Er, yeah! We were playing baseball, and Buffy threw the ball 
too hard, and it came through your window!

Buffy (Pouting): Yeah, well it wouldn't have happened if Xander could 
catch. Nah!

Xander: Well... I'd have caught it if you'd thrown it straight!

Buffy: What?

Xander: That's right, you throw crooked!

Buffy: (Fuming.) You better take that back!

Xander: I'm Buffy! (Minces.) Catch! (Aims at the sky and throws an 
imaginary ball. Buffy looks ready to either beat Xander up or stake 
him.)

Spike: Children, children! It is no trouble at all. Please come in 
and I will return to you your ball. 

(Scoobs trudge inside.)

Spike: Please, wait here until I can locate your ball and give it 
back to you, so that it can be back in your possession once more. 
Now, where did I put that ball... 

(Spike heads off.) 

(Spike comes straight back.) 

Spike: And don't touch anything! 

(Spike heads off again.)

(Cut to ante-chamber.)

Spike: How wonderful, they are unaware of the evil that I will soon 
bring upon them! Now, what will I use?

(Spike glances around, and we see assorted weaponry.)

(Cut to the main chamber.)

Xander: Ooh, what's this?

(Spike peers through door.)

Spike: Bloody hell, my TV! The only meagre possession I own that I 
still love and cherish! 

(Spike dashes in.)

Spike: Don't touch that, its my only method of viewing Dawson's 
Creek! (Beats Xander about the head.)

Xander: Wah!

Buffy and Willow: Tee-hee!

Spike: Now, to find your ball...

(Cut to ante-chamber, where Spike is lost in thought.)

Spike: Accursed kids! Now, where was I? 

(We hear childish giggles.)

Spike: (Puzzled.) What's with all the funny laughing? (Frown.) There 
will be no giggling within the lair of Spike! 

(Bursts back into the main chamber.) 

Spike: My photo album!

Willow: He's so cute! 

(Cut to a view of Spike in a nappy; A baby with peroxide hair.)

Buffy: Ahhhhh! (We can see Xander's legs wriggling from behind the 
couch where he fell over backwards, laughing.)

Spike: (Grabs album.) I must reiterate, there will be no touching of 
anything of mine! Ever!

Buffy: (Waving TV remote.) Even this? 

Spike: (Spike snatches the remote.) Especially that! 

(Spike leaves to get a weapon, then looks back on impulse. The main 
chamber is empty.)

Spike: Slayer? Oh Slayer? Children?

Xander: (Twats Spike on the ass and runs away.) Tag, you're it.

Spike: Tag? What kind of foolishness is this? 

Willow: (We can see her eyes peering out from between the flowers in 
a vase.) We're hiding, you're seeking! Tee-hee!

Spike: Stop this nonsense immediately!

(Spike lifts up the couch Buffy and her friends dodged behind, but 
the scoobs aren't there.)

Spike: (Moan.) But they were just here!

(Buffy toddles past at warp speed.)

Spike: Wait! Stop! 

(Spike has an idea.)

Spike: Ahah! (Profers a paper bag.) Oh children, I have candy for you!

Scoobs: Candy! (They mob Spike. Willow licks a lollipop bigger than 
her head. We see only a big red circle, with Willow's tongue 
appearing alternately at each side.)

Spike: Now stay on this couch until I return with the ball that I 
have been seeking!

(Spike storms out.)

Spike: (Rubs hands in glee.) These disruptions have caused me quite a 
delay, but the revenge of Spike is at hand! Bwahahahaha!

Buffy: What're you doing Spike?

(Spike turns round, and all the scoobs are standing behind him.)

Spike: (Fake happy tone.) Slayer! Children! Why are you not on the 
couch where I have told you to be sitting?

Buffy: Well, we decided to help you look for our ball. Three eyes are 
better than two!

Willow: Eight are better still!

Buffy: (Sticks out her tongue.) Nerd!

Xander: (Peers under an axe.) Ball's not here. 

Willow: (Checks under a crossbow.) Nor here!

Buffy: (Wrenches the lid off of a tomb and throws it to one side, 
where it shatters.) Or here!

Spike: (Puts his hands on his head in shock.) My beloved lair!

(Spike grabs the scoobs by their clothes and flings them head-first 
through the door.)

Airborne scoobs: Wheeee!

Spike: Now get out, get out, get out!

(Slams door.)

(Opens door, and tosses out ball.)

Spike: And stay out!

(Slams door.)

Buffy: Thank you!

Willow: Thank you!

Xander: Gee, thanks Mr. The Bloody!

Spike: (Sotto voce) Bloody Slayer, bloody kids!

Narrator: The very next night...

(Spike is sitting in his lair drinking his breakfast blood. He opens 
the paper and reads the headline.)

Spike: Spike saves the day, returns Slayer's ball? Bloody hell!

Narrator: And so the day is saved, thanks to Spike! Hey, Spike, You 
saved the day!

Spike: (Pouts.) I did not!

Narrator: But you gave the Slayer her ball back, thus providing 
mental harmony and all-round jolliness for the Chosen One.

Spike: (Huffs.) I said I didn't!

Narrator: Okay, okay already. And once more, all is well in Sunnydale.

(Fade out to black.)

Spike: (Sotto voce, voice only.) No, it bloody well isn't!

END.