Re: Fic: Penance (3a/?)

["B. Harvey" <honouredfool@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Regina,
This is thus far, a very well written fic and I hope to see more soon. I 
really like the retrospective narration too. Can't wait for more.


HonouredFool. List Jedi Master. Charter Member of GWBNS. CHAOS, spawn of 
Mischief and Mayhem. Founder of the Church of Taramonkeylove.

"As suburban children we floated in swimming pools the temperature of blood; 
pools the colour of Earth as seen from outer space...We would float and be 
naked-pretending to be embryos, pretending to be fetuses"
~~Douglas Coupland, Life After God~~

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• To: buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
• Subject: Fic: Penance (3a/?)
• From: "Regina ___" <brainysmurf16@xxxxxxxxxxx>
• Date: Mon, 28 May 2001 22:40:18 -0500
• Bcc:
• Cc: tpk757@xxxxxxxxxxx
• Reply-to: buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TITLE: Penance
AUTHOR: Regina
E-MAIL: brainysmurf16@xxxxxxxxxxx
SUMMARY: My own little epic.
RATING: I'll go with R overall.
TIMELINE: AU
DISTRIBUTION: If anyone actually wants
it, I'd be tickled pink to hear about it.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, If I did I'd be rich right now.

Penance

I was at the edge of insanity when it happened. I remember reading somewhere that God is believed to speak through the insane or dying. They?re less resistant. I suppose the Powers That Be are no different. Because it was only when I was standing at her grave with a knife at my throat that I realized the strange dreams I had been having weren?t just from the sleeping pills. I had never had one awake before. But that?s what happened as the edge of the blade began to cut my skin, leaving a single crimson dot of before I dropped it all together.

The dreams were violent, haunting, maddening, and always the same. It was the monotony more than anything else that got me. It was always the same. Buffy was on the platform above the portal, only it was I, not Dawn beside her. It was one of those dreams you feel, the air was so heavy around me that I often woke up short of breath, and every touch, every smell and sight seemed so real. More real than my life was those days, anyway. As a griffen flew overhead, she grabbed my hands, and pulled me off the platform with her.

I could feel the energy of the portal crackling around me, and as I looked over at her, I never felt angry, surprised sure, even glad she wanted me with her. I would have gladly followed her in real life. As we fell, the energy became stronger, almost pleasurable. Then we hit. That was what always did it. Feeling what she must have felt when she fell. Going from pleasure to pain so quickly. Morbidly symbolic of her life in a way. I would always wake up drenched in sweat, screaming, the most intense feeling of guilt I had ever experienced washing over me. I should have gone with her. I let her die. I let her die alone. I couldn?t live with it.

So when the dream hit me at her graveside, it was more intense than ever. As vivid as it was when I was asleep, it was a million times worse awake, because this time when we fell, the dream wasn?t over. This time I followed Buffy into hell.

 

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