Re: FIC: Thunderstorms

["NO! I won't tell THAT" <quindo.ma@xxxxxxxxx>]

::makes notes to stay faaaaaaaar away from dark fic in future::
Well, anyway, now that I read it, it's too late so I'll just stick to 
giving feedback.
The story was interesting to say the least. The ending seemed kinda 
out of character for Buffy, unless you steered her in this direction 
in the previous fics (no, I haven't read them yet). The flow was, 
imo, a little too fast. You jumped a little with the character 
interaction and the timing not exactly fitting. In one scene you'd 
have something important happen, and in the next you jumped 
immedeately to the confrontation, leaving no room for anything 
inbetween, which could have enhanced the feeling behind it a little 
more, make it deeper.
The one scene after the flashback could have enjoyed more fleshing 
out, like....
~~~
"Seems like everything is all right (my suggestion might be, 'just 
right') when you're here in my arms." She gently pushed a stray 
strand of hair out of Willow's face and smiled at the innocence she 
saw in it. She leaned down and kissed the redheads forhead. "I love 
you", she whispered, propping herself down on the floor. Soon after, 
she was sleeping soundly.

Willow blinked as she registered the words, trying to control her 
breathing. [Did she just say she..? No, she wouldn't, cause I, no...]
~~~
The last bit seems a little strange, why would she not feel safe in 
Buffy's arms? Love, even if Willow had taken it for what it was meant 
(which is another point you seem to be sure about, that the second 
Buffy says she loves Willow, she'll assume that it's meant as true 
love, or a lover's love, not just that of a friend; remember, Buffy 
has said that she loves Willow before, and it wasn't taken any 
different), is something that doesn't make one fear each other, 
especially in friendship, as long as it doesn't become obsessive.

I can see the insecurity of Willow towards Buffy, if she's not sure 
about her own feelings in this situation, and fears she could hurt 
her best friend by rejecting her, or she's afraid of what could 
happen if she gives into the feelings, and in the end destroys their 
friendship. Well done in this case.
The comforting of Buffy through Joyce seemed a little distant, not as 
personal as you would have expected it between mother and daughter. 
Maybe have Joyce 'rush to her daughter', instead of 'go to the 
blonde', this could clearly show a mothers concern, and close the gap 
of distance (Joyce went to the blonde just sounds more like she would 
be comforting a friend, rather than her own daughter).

In general, you're on the right way. All you need is to look a little 
more over your story, so that you can avoid some of the grammar and 
spelling errors I've seen. And try to slow things down, bring in 
extra scenes, directly after one another (in a time sense), or make 
those you have longer, to follow through the thoughts and feelings of 
the characters, but don't overdo. The first part was just as you'd 
see it, the rest seemed, as I've mentioned before, a little jumbled, 
an ongoing flow was what I missed. Kinda like a river that goes into 
the underground every now and then. You just see the surface, and it 
almost seems as if the river would just stop at one place, and start 
at another, that's how parts of your story felt to me, so adding 
where it's too short is definately a suggestion of mine to make your 
stories better.
Aaanndd.... I've already been talking too long :)

So, keep it up, and no, this is not a flame :p :)

Quin