Fic: A Tall Tale (1/?)

[buffythebushkangaroo@xxxxxxxxxxx]

Yes, I am insane.

Anne-Lise.

--

Willow completed her spell and looked up. And up. She could see the 
ceiling of the magic shop far, far away. Buffy, equally small and 
teeny, folded her arms and glared.
"Eek!" Willow summed up.


*

One fine day in the land of Sunnydale the scoobs climbed out of 
their matchbox to continue their quest.
"Oo, I hope Giles comes back from England soon!" Willow said.
"I just hope he doesn't step on us," Anya affirmed. "He does have 
big feet."
Xander raised his eyebrow. "Anya, you know I have a fear of big 
feet. Stop making it worse!"
"You just have a ridiculous fear of clowns. Stop being so stupid." 
Anya gave him a sweet ex-demon smile.
"Yeah?" Xander felt obliged to protect his spurned machismo. "And 
you have a thing about bunnies!"
Anya pouted. "Bunnies *are* terrifying," she stated. "With their 
twitchy noses and their amazing sex drive..."
Willow rolled her eyes. "We should make a move. We've got to climb 
Mount Coffee-Table today."
The scoobs all stared in awe at the grand heights of Mt. Coffee-
Table. Mist rolled from its craggy peak, wreathing the summit in 
mystical cloud.
"Oh my god, someone's in the room and smoking!" Willow said.
Buffy ran over, the broken point of a needle held threatening in 
one hand in case she got set upon by demonic ants.
"It must be Spike!" she claimed. "Be careful, he's got size twelve 
shoes."
Xander stared at Mini-Buffy. "You know his shoe size?"
"Yes..." Buffy chewed her lip. "New weapons are expensive. Do *you* 
know of any clothes shops that stay open into the wee hours of the 
night?"
Xander shook his head. "Nope. Nor is this the 19th century when you 
can get away with using the word 'wee'."
Willow bopped him upside the head. "We're wasting time. Let's move."
"You really do Spike's clothes-shopping?"

*

"Look out!" Buffy screamed and pushed Willow to one side. With a 
loud *whoosh*, Tara's enormous leather boot whistled past and came 
crashing down with a loud *thud*. A noise like someone stepping on a 
bag of crisps made Buffy wince.
"What was that?" Willow asked. "And Ow!"
"Anya?" Xander peered around frantically as Tara moved away with 
bovine quickness. "Where's Anya?"
The remaining scoobs looked down at Anya. She lay on the floor 
gazing up at the ceiling. She had a startled look on her face, and 
lay with her arms and legs spread out in a star shape. She was also 
perfectly flat.
"Oh Xander, I'm so sorry." Willow said mournfully.
Xander nodded. "No big," he shrugged. "But the sex was good while 
it lasted."
Slow, ponderous, and extremely loud voices indicated an exchange of 
concerned words between Spike and Tara. Willow, who'd been making an 
effort to listen in to the conversation, finally nodded as the two 
giants vacated the premises.
"They've gone to look for us," she said. "And did anyone else notice 
that Tara wasn't wearing any panties today?" She shuddered.
"I did," Buffy said.
Xander said nothing. He had a silly smile on his face. And a 
nosebleed.

*

"So what's the plan?" Xander asked as Buffy tied a cotton thread 
around Xander's waste.
"You hold on really tight to this broken needle point," Buffy 
replied.
Xander nodded slowly. "Okay, I can do that..."
"And then I throw you as high as I can," Buffy continued. "And when 
you feel yourself start to fall, use the needle and jam it into the 
table leg. We climb up to join you, and we repeat the process." She 
checked the point of the second needle strapped to her back. "Yep, 
you've got the sharpest needle point now."
Xander's brain caught up with the assignment. "No! No way! That's 
the most ludicro... Whee!"
Buffy and Willow watched Projectile-Xander as he made a parabolic 
arc up the table leg, propelled by Slayer-strength.
"Do you think he'll be able to manage okay?" Willow asked. "It *is* 
Xander!"
Buffy pondered. "He'll either succeed, or he'll miss and we get to 
see something really funny. It's a win-win."
"Ooh, he made it!" Willow chirpily noticed.
"Aw," Buffy said.

*

Buffy climbed the thread under Willow. "Almost there," she 
encouraged.
"Xander! Precious Xander! Sweet Xander!" Willow cooed as she trod on 
his head. "Don't you dare let go!"
"Umf!" Xander agreed. "Umf!" he repeated as Buffy clambered over him 
to stand on the needle.
Buffy stared up. "Hey, we're over halfway up!" Willow 
cheered. "Xander! Hurry up and get up here."
Xander wiggled his legs uselessly and finally managed to pull 
himself onto the needle, which was on a slightly downward angle 
sticking into the table leg.
"Oh thank god I... we're all alive!" he exclaimed. "Now can we take 
a short breather... Whee!"
"You missed," Willow observed.
Buffy nodded and began paying in the cotton as fast as she can. 
Willow watched bemused as Xander dropped past them, his little-girl 
scream receding floorwards. Then Buffy grunted and the scream began 
to get louder again, until Xander was winched back into view.
Buffy chewed her lip, concentrating, and prepared for the next big 
swing. Willow giggled as Xander pendulumed past, then clapped gaily 
as he began to describe small circles before being cast skywards once 
more.
"He made it this time," Willow cheered after a few moments.
In the distance above them, a small voice said "Oof!" and began to 
cry.

*

The scoobs gathered around the fruit bowl atop the coffee table. 
Xander had stopped crying by this time, but was still managing to 
alternately sob and sniffle, and rub his swollen arm.
"Stop crying you baby!" Buffy teased.
"Wah!" Xander wailed. "My day can't possibly get any worse!"
The housefly considered Xander from atop the slowly rotting apple, 
then vomited green viscous fluid on its prey.

*

End Part 1.