FF: Rainy Days (1/1)

[inell@xxxxxxx]

Title: Rainy Days
Author: Inell
Email: Inell@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: Joss owns them all
Distribution: My site, Kiss or Kill, 
http://members.fortunecity.com/kissorkill Anyone that has permission, take. 
Otherwise, just ask.
Rating: R
Pairing: Willow/Buffy
Summary: Contemplation about rainy days
Feedback is like air, necessary to my existence. 
Note: This is my first post to this list. Someone has been telling me to post 
here for a bit, telling me how friendly everyone here is. I've been writing 
BTVS fan fic for two years this month, yet, when thinking of posting to a new 
list, I got sweaty palms and butterflies in my tummy. Silly, I admit, but 
true. Since Willow/Buffy is one of my two favorite ships, though, and I've 
recently started to write them more often, I decided to just take the plunge 
and post. This is a fic I wrote a few months ago, just something to introduce 
me to everyone. Hello everyone! 
Dedication: To Buffy4Will for being email-pathic and for the much needed 
nagging :)


RAINY DAYS (1/1)


>>I love rainy days. That might not be something you knew about me, but it's 
true. I always feel at peace watching the rain fall. The sound of it beating 
against my roof always seems to comfort me. Rain washes away the old so that 
life can continue. Thinking back over my life, I have to admit that several 
of the most important events happened on rainy days. In fact, I was born 
during a thunderstorm. Most people that know of my love of storms find it 
surprising. I guess I just don't seem like a rainy day person. The thing I 
hate most about Sunnydale, besides the demons and Hellmouth of course, is 
that it hardly ever rains. So, when it does, I take the time to simply sit 
and enjoy it. Right now, I'm just sitting at my desk and writing.

Surprised to find me writing? I know, it surprises me too. I'm much more a 
verbal type of person. I find it hard to find the words to describe what I 
feel, so I tend to avoid displays of emotion. I'm finding this easier than I 
thought it would be when I sat down. It's strange to say, but I was a bit 
scared. Scared of a blank piece of paper. I know, laugh all you want. I've 
faced demons and vampires, hell even the Mayor, yet I found myself scared to 
death of what I was going to write. Am I boring you yet? I know I'm babbling 
now. Just wasting ink and time. I'm waiting, you see. What better way to kill 
time than to write down my thoughts so that maybe I'll start to understand 
them? I really don't see how people do this all the time. It's so difficult 
to think of words to describe my thoughts.

It's starting to rain harder now. I can see it falling, hear it tapping 
against my window. My grandmother died on a rainy day in April when I was 
nine. I can remember staring out the window of the hospital and hating the 
world, watching puddles on the parking lot three floors below. I was young. 
My grandmother had meant a lot to me. She had been my Nana, taking care of me 
after school while my parents were working or away. Losing her was when my 
childhood seemed to end. I had to start taking care of myself. It was tough, 
losing someone so important to me and having to grow up. It was then that I 
began to hate rainy days. Every time that it rained, I thought of the 
hospital room and my Nana dying. As I got older, I realized that it hadn't 
been the rain that had killed her. I began to love rainy days, often going 
out and dancing in my back yard in the mud.

I know, a bit clichéd. Dancing in the rain. I swear that I'm not making it 
up. I have pictures of me when I was maybe eleven or twelve, soaked to the 
bone with this huge smile on my face. So many things have happened since then 
though. I've been forced to grow up more than I ever imagined. I'm twenty 
years old but at times I feel twice that. I sometimes wonder what my life 
might have been like if I had never discovered the truth about vampires and 
demons and slayers. Usually, I end up accepting that my life might have been 
easier but I wouldn't have been as happy. Strange to think that knowing that 
evil lurks in the shadows could make me happy.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like my life is always happy. I've been through 
hell but I've survived. It's made me stronger. It's made me cherish 
everything in my life. I've fallen in love. Lost my first love. Fallen in 
love again. Lost that love. Only to realize that neither was my soul mate. 
Strange, now that I think about it, it was raining when I lost them both. 
See? Rain continues to weave throughout my life. I'm smiling, if you could 
see me. You see, it was also raining when I realized who my soul mate really 
was. True, it was just a light mist but I can consider that rain can't I? 
Damn right I can. This is my rambling mess of thoughts after all. I'm sure 
you're wondering who it is. Who my soul mate is? I'm sure by now you probably 
know, but I won't think about that right now. I'd rather sit here and watch 
the rain and think about her. I can see the eyebrows raising at that. Her, 
you're whispering with a surprised look.

I know. It snuck up on me too. Now, though, I look back and wonder if there 
was a time that I didn't love her. She was my best friend. I can admit thatI 
took her for granted. I always just assumed she'd be there for me as she 
always had. When the day came that she wasn't, it bothered me. Bothered me 
far more than I wanted to admit to myself back then. It was like I had losta 
part of myself. The only way for you to understand would be if you took your 
heart out and cut it in half. I know, horrible visual, but that's how it 
felt. And that before I realized that I loved her. I began to have 
suspicions, of course. It just didn't seem right, you know? To have those 
kinds of feelings for my best friend. Talk about walking around in a cloud of 
confusion. When I finally realized that it was love, the cloud lifted and 
things were suddenly so clear. Like I said, my entire life seemed to make 
sense.

She made it make sense. It wasn't raining when I finally got enough courage 
to tell her. I honestly think that was the bravest thing I ever did. Even 
now, I can't believe I said those three little words to her and meant them 
with every fiber of my soul. I love you. Three words that can completely 
change your life. She was stunned, to say the least. I think she thought I 
was joking when I first whispered those words. She just sat there, her 
beautiful face shocked. I was so scared she was going to laugh or push me 
away or hate me. Instead, she had sat there in silence for nearly twenty 
minutes, lost in thought. Then, she'd slowly smiled. My heart stopped when 
she quietly whispered those same three words back to me. It's sappy to say, 
but she completed me. The birds sang, the sun shone. You can think of any 
other silly clichés and they would fit.

I still can't believe I was the one that kissed her. She had seemed startled 
but soon we had melted into each other. The passion that I felt that 
night....I can't describe it so I won't even try. Let's just use some more 
tired clichés. The earth moved, the angels soared. I don't know, I'm running 
out of sappy things to say. I think you get the point. We've been together 
for nearly two weeks now. I love coming home to find her waiting for me. I 
love seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. I love listening to her babble. 
I love how she can see things in ways that no one else can. I love the taste 
of her body and the feel of her skin and how she smells after a shower. Who 
am I kidding? I love everything about her. I love Willow.

The rain is letting up a bit now. The sun is setting, the sky a brilliant 
tapestry of reds and oranges. Soon, it will be dark. I feel a slight tremor 
of anticipation as I watch the rain in silence. We haven't told anyone about 
the change in our relationship. It was new and different and honestly I 
wanted to be selfish and have her to myself. Soon, though, everyone is going 
to know. It will no longer be a secret. I know how they are going to react. 
It's not going to be happy. Maybe that's why I'm writing all this down. So 
that maybe they'll understand. I doubt that they will, but I can hope. It 
really doesn't matter in the long run. She's my life. Without her, I'm 
nothing.

I know it might surprise you that I would give it all up for her. I used to 
talk about girls like that, the ones that would do anything for their 
boyfriends. With us, it's different. She's the other half of my soul. It's 
not like I'm changing who I am for her. This is who I always was, it just 
took me awhile to figure that out. They shouldn't blame Willow. They need to 
blame me. Do you hear that? Blame me. I made the decision to love her, to be 
with her. I don't want to hear anyone cursing her or damning her. This isn't 
her fault. It never was. I had options. I always had choices. And I won't 
lie. I stayed up all night debating. This is not exactly what I had planned 
for my life. I just sat there for hours thinking about my life, about my 
Willow, about life without my Willow. I realized then that I never really had 
much of a choice. I'd lose it all, give it all up, just to be in her arms, 
just to feel her body against mine when I wake up. So, now, I'm waiting. 
Waiting to tell her that I love her and want to be with her no matter what 
anyone says or thinks.

And that's where I guess I'll end this confusing mess. I hope that maybe 
you'll understand. I doubt it though. Just know that with her, I'm happy. 
She's not only my past but my future. Even now, I ache for her. Without her, 
I'm nothing. Oh, don't deny it. I mean, I know I'd still be me, but being me 
wouldn't be the same me without her. Damn, I'm not very good with this 
explaining thing. I know that you might worry about me. Running away again. 
I'm sure that's what you'll think. What you'll all think. We're not running 
away though. We're running forward. I have no idea where we're going. I don't 
even care. With her, I'd go to hell and back. This will be the last thing I 
ever write you. That, I can promise. Know that I love you all. No matter what 
might happen, what you might hear or feel, I do love you. You're my family 
but I have to leave. Trust me, it's better this way. I can't promise that I 
won't be back, but I hope that I'm not. Get away from Sunnydale and never 
look back. That's my goal. The rain is starting to fall again. It's getting 
louder. She'll be here soon. Rather funny, isn't it? The cycle of rain and my 
life. Birth, death, love lost, love found....I can see her now. She's waiting 
for me. I'd better go before she gets too wet. Goodbye. I do love you all. 
Wish me luck.

She laid down her pen, her hazel eyes moving over the pages of words she had 
written. Smiling wryly, she wondered if any of it made sense. Probably not, 
but she felt better. That's what was most important. She stood up, looking 
out the window and seeing Willow waiting for her. She smiled as she walked 
away from her desk, opening her balcony doors and looking at her lover. 
Without saying a word, she looked from Willow's soft smile to the 
outstretched hand. She reached for her coat, sliding it over her shoulders. 
She picked up the bag that she had packed, pulling out Mr. Pointy and 
smiling. Holding it, she went to the desk and set it by the letter. She 
looked around one last time before moving back to the balcony.

"Buffy?" Willow asked, holding out her hand as she waited.

"I'm ready," Buffy said, taking Willow's hand and stepping into the rain. She 
looked up as she felt it wash over her face. Looking back at Willow, she 
said, "I love you."

"I love you," Willow said softly, her hand stroking the blonde's cheek.

"Can we go now?" Buffy asked, not wanting her mother to realize that she had 
left.

Willow nodded, "Yes. We can leave this town. I hate it here."

Buffy smiled as she followed the redhead towards the ground. Once they were 
both down, they kissed softly, the rain beating down on them. "Come on," 
Buffy said as she ran, pulling Willow behind her. The blonde twirled the 
redhead, laughing as they danced and ran. Finally, when they were several 
miles from her house, Buffy stopped, leaning against a tree as she caught her 
breath. "I love the rain."

Willow smiled, "I know."

Buffy smiled as she nodded, "Yeah, I figured you would." She cocked her head 
to the side, feeling the water soaking through her clothes as she looked at 
Willow. "I'm ready."

Willow smiled, "So pretty. I love you, Buffy."

"Not as much as I love you, Willow," the slayer said with a grin. She brought 
her hand up to touch Willow's cheek, her thumb wiping away a raindrop. 
"Together, forever."

Willow nodded, moving her hand over Buffy's neck. Her eyes flashed yellow as 
she let her demon come forward, "Forever," she whispered before sinking her 
fangs into the blonde slayer's neck as she ran her fingernail over her wrist, 
preparing it for her lover.

Buffy moaned softly at the initial pain but soon felt herself moving against 
Willow's petite body. She could hear the gentle sucking of her lover as she 
felt the coolness of Willow's tongue against her heated skin. She watched the 
rain fall as she felt her life slipping away, its cycle never-ending as she 
waited for her coming death and her eventual rebirth. She smiled softly, 
liking the idea of being with Willow forever. She really did love rainy days.


*********THE END**********