Fic: Subterfuge (18/?)

[inell@xxxxxxx]

Title: Subterfuge
Author: Inell
Email: Inell@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: Joss owns them all
Distribution: My site, Kiss or Kill, 
http://members.fortunecity.com/kissorkill Anyone that has permission, take. 
Otherwise, just ask.
Rating: R
Pairing: Willow/Buffy
Happy two year writing anniversary to me!
To anyone still enjoying this one :)


SUBTERFUGE (18/?)



Buffy covered a yawn as she moved the pillows behind her back. Using the 
remote, she flipped every one of the nearly 200 stations on her TV, not able 
to find anything to keep her attention. She glanced at the clock, noticing 
that it had only been three minutes since she had last looked at it. She'd 
only been awake about an hour, but was already growing impatient with laying 
on the sofa and taking it easy. People like her were not meant to get sick, 
she decided. She finally let the channel rest on a movie that she had seen a 
dozen times, giving herself a chance to think. She wondered when Willow had 
left. The note said the redhead had to run some errands, but Buffy had no 
idea what Willow was going to be doing or how long it would take or even what 
time she had left. It was frustrating not knowing. 


She closed her eyes, listening to the movie but not bothering watching. She 
felt so drained still. She knew she shouldn't expect much yet, having not 
been awake very long. But, she'd only been sick a few times in her life. Each 
time had left her rather at loose ends. One time had resulted in a hospital 
visit, but she was trying to block that from her thoughts. It usually brought 
forth memories of Angel and Angelus and weakness and vulnerability. That was 
a time of her life best forgotten. Not because she regretted what she felt 
for Angel. She had loved him, still loved him in a way, would always care 
about him. It had just been her own private hell, that entire year. Her 
friends had been in danger and she'd been helpless to protect them. Not 
helpless, her inner voice corrected. She had saved them all, in the end. 
She'd almost lost Willow though. Not once, but twice. 


Thinking of her friend made her smile. Over the last couple of weeks, she'd 
spend a lot of her sleepless nights thinking. Buffy had realized that she had 
always loved Willow. It felt weird to think that, to know that she had wasted 
so many years. To imagine all the things that might have been different had 
she been open to the idea from the beginning. Then, she'd catch herself going 
through an endless list of what if's, dwelling on things that could never be 
changed, knowing that things always happened with a purpose. If she had 
recognized her feelings for Willow earlier, Willow might not have been ready 
for her. Maybe Angel had been meant to lose his soul, to become Angelus 
again, to learn who really was so that he could now save so many people. 
Riley, Oz, Tara...maybe she and Willow had been meant to learn from those 
relationships so that they could grow up. It hadn't been their time was all 
that Buffy could determine. 


It was now, though. She had to believe that the fates were finally being 
kind, smiling on them, allowing them to find the forever kind of love she 
would often read about or see in movies. She had found the other half of her 
soul that day nearly six years ago when Willow had smiled at her in their 
first class together. It had always been Willow that had kept her going, that 
gave her the push she needed to become who she was today. Willow who had 
forced her into growing up, to becoming responsible for her actions, for not 
letting her get into the same trouble that Faith had found herself in. Willow 
who had saved her far more times than the redhead would even guess. A flash 
of green eyes, a familiar voice in her mind telling her that she was the 
slayer and that she would survive. Why had it taken her so long to see what 
she now saw so easily? 


Laying here, she could bring forth every memory of Willow. The jealousy she 
had felt when Willow would talk about Xander or when she had started dating 
Oz or, the worst, when Tara had entered the redhead's life. The way Willow 
always seemed to know what she was thinking, seemed to know when she was 
needed, seemed to know what do say or do to make it all better. The knowledge 
that her enemies, the ones who knew her, had been aware of her love for 
Willow before she had been. Angelus and Faith, hell, even Spike, they'd all 
gone after Willow. Had they seen what she had ignored? Angelus had taunted 
her several times during their fights with threats of what he would do to 
Willow, what he would mold the redhead into becoming. She had fought him more 
at those threats than at the threats on her own life. How could she had been 
so stupid no to see it? During their senior year, when Anya had messed up 
that spell, when she'd been convinced that Willow had been turned, she'd felt 
more pain, more loss, than when she had pierced Angel with the sword. Did 
that make her a bad person? Why had it taken her two more years to admit to 
herself what she seemed to have always known? 


Fear. It could all be brought back to one four letter word. Fear of losing 
Willow, fear of accepting her desires and wants, fear of what others might 
say, fear of putting Willow into more danger by loving her, fear of 
everything. She was a slayer. She'd already lived longer than most. If she 
died tomorrow, she'd go without Willow ever knowing how much she meant to 
her, without ever feeling Willow's soft embrace, without ever experiencing 
the joy of being loved by Willow. If she lived another dozen years, they 
would be empty years, lonely and shadowed by visions of what she might have 
had. Years without Willow by her side, in her arms, in her bed, would not be 
living at all. She was tired of living in fear. She was a slayer, damn it. 
She had faced death, hell on Earth, things that would drive a normal person 
crazy. She could certainly face the daunting task of telling Willow that she 
loved her. A determined look entered her hazel eyes as she opened them, 
deciding then and there that, as soon as she was feeling better, she and 
Willow were going to have a long talk. She was not going to waste another day 
being too scared to love.