FIC: Darkness

["Cilia" <cilia@xxxxx>]

Hiya!
This came to me when I was reading the spoiler about Willow going to the
dark side and really don't know how to classify this story.
Cilia

Darkness
Cilia

I still believe, even after all this time by god I still believe. Faith
is not something easily driven from a person, it's there buried deep no
matter how much darkness you face or how dark you become. It's our basic
need, the need to believe and to have faith in something greater then
this existence. It gives us a sense of purpose and it takes away some of
the fear we mortal beings live by.

My friends are all gone now, buried deep in the womb of mother Earth.
Still I linger on, I've been into the darkness and back, survived and
triumphed over my inner demons. We all have them demons I mean, in a way
humans are worse then demons, we live by free will thus the evil we do
is by choice not by nature. I learned that lesson a long time ago and it
was hard learned, but I've always been a great study.

My foray into the dark areas of the human soul didn't not go unpunished,
just like the unlucky stiff that drove his spear into the Savior as he
hung on the cross I am too cursed to walk the Earth, but unlike him, for
I'm not as lucky, my penance won't end with the bearded ones second
coming. The wandering Jew or Wicca I'm not picky about religions, but
that's me forever roaming the Earth in penance for my crimes. Crimes
against humanity, against Mother Earth, against the one true guardian,
those are my crimes.

Like aforementioned roman centurion, I too hurt a savior yet not by
steel or my stone, but by deed and word. I tried to blanket the world in
darkness and thus bending it to my will, thus making the world to my
liking and in my mind twisted, by jealousy and fear, making it better. 

My friends didn't agree with me and in the end we clashed, so I lay bare
their fears, one of many acts for which I gladly suffer. I used my
skills granted to me to do harm to others. Still she was too strong and
so I performed the act for which I suffer of my own accord, I refused my
love for her and I took it and tore to a million pieces and threw in
into the darkness. In order to hurt her, I used words and deeds and
sacrificed my heart.

But that was a very long time ago, but even though things return to
their normal ways, I never regained my heart fully, so soon thereafter I
left the company of my friends and head into the East where I stayed
until I knew it would be safe to return after all what is a lifetime to
one who is cursed to walk forever.

There is only me now, this is I witness as the last of us who where
there at the beginning is returned to the great mother. I know I should
be sad, but I cannot bring myself to it, it's hard to feel anything
after so long. Yet somewhere deep within me, I feel my faith, faith that
in the end things will turn out for the better and that one day when the
world is crumbled into dust, they'll let me pass through the gates and
enter the Garden forsaken so long ago. 

We all make choices, some good and some bad, granted my scale is not
balanced, but I'm trying. Still that is also what we humans do, we make
wrong choices and in the end we are not punished by them. For if we have
Faith, then that faith is that one day all the scales will be balanced
and that we can find pace. That's what I believe anyways. 

Is this what you wanted to hear old friend? Are you satisfied now? You
weren't there are the beginning, not really, and you will probably never
be gone because you are like me. Forever carrying the torch in her
memory, but at least you had her if only for a moment and for that I
envy you Spike.

Bloody hell! Red when the time comes, you will be allowed to pass
through the gates, while I will have to sit outside them for all
eternity. In the end you win, you get to be with her. For even though I
make choices, you the humans are his favorite. That's the difference
between you and me. I'm evil and nothing I do will change that. So cheer
up, there are only a couple of eons more and you'll see her again and
when you do give me her best.

...