Fic: I've Gotta Secret (1/1)

[inell@xxxxxxx]

Title: I've Gotta Secret
Author: Inell
Email: Inell@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: Joss owns them all, even if he doesn't deserve them lately
Distribution: My site, Kiss or Kill, 
http://members.fortunecity.com/kissorkill Anyone that has permission, take. 
Otherwise, just ask.
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Willow/Buffy
Summary: Buffy's POV
Notes: Set during Season 3 in <all as one now> my own verse, as usual
To Gui~For helping to cheer me up. Ask and ye shall receive. One part W/B 
coming up


I'VE GOTTA SECRET (1/1)


"Buffy, could you please at least pretend that you're paying attention?" 
Giles asked as he glared at his slayer.


"I am paying attention," she defended as a guilty look entered her hazel 
eyes. She gave him a lopsided smile as she said, "Sort of."


"We're almost finished, then you can run along and meet the others," he said, 
hoping that holding out a carrot would entice her to concentrate.


"I really have been listening, Giles," she said, having half heard everything 
that he had said since she had sat down. She was growing accustomed to 
dividing her attention after everything that had happened over the last 
couple of months. First, coming home, back to Sunnydale, back to Willow. That 
had been tough at first, trying to be around her friend without letting the 
redhead know of her importance. Buffy had realized shortly after arriving in 
LA that the feelings she had for Willow went beyond friendship. She'd felt as 
if someone had ripped out her soul, torn her heart in two, any number of 
vivid and grotesque symbols that she had begun to equate with the feeling of 
losing Willow, of not seeing that special smile that was reserved for her, of 
not being able to pick up the phone and have hour long chats (though she had 
made numerous calls to Willow during her months in LA, always hanging up when 
she heard that sweet voice), of not being able to let Willow know how she 
really felt. When she had returned home, Willow had been frosty at first, 
which she understood. It hadn't taken long for her redhead to forgive her for 
leaving, for their friendship to pick up where it had left off. Then, Faith 
had arrived.


Faith's arrival had brought about more changes, more adapting. Angel's return 
had been surprising and difficult, catching her unaware entirely. She'd lied 
to her friends, kept him a secret until it had blown up in her face. That 
time, Willow hadn't been as easy with her forgiveness. It had taken work on 
Buffy's part, many promises to never keep any more secrets from the people 
that she loved. And now, not two months later, she was keeping the biggest 
secret of her life. Some way to keep a promise she thought with a slight 
smile. It had been nearly two months since she had confessed to Willow that 
she loved her. 


She could remember every detail of that night. Patrol had been easy and light 
with nothing to slay. Faith had actually gone to get ice cream with them 
before leaving with a smile, something that still rather shocked Buffy. Faith 
smiling, a sincere smile, not one of those cocky arrogant smirks. She and 
Willow had gone by her house, chatting with her Mom before going to Buffy's 
room to pack. She'd stayed over with Willow, the redhead's parents off at a 
conference in Miami for two weeks. They'd been laying on the bed watching 
Where Are They Now on VH1, making fun of some of the acts mentioned, laughing 
and pretty much having a good time when she'd done it. She, to this day, had 
no idea why she had or what she was thinking. She hadn't been thinking, 
actually. She'd just let herself feel for the first time in over a year. 
She'd leaned over and kissed Willow. 


Buffy laughed softly as she remembered Willow's stunned reaction, the wide 
green eyes and confused look. She'd pulled back from the kiss and told Willow 
that she loved her. She guessed that she must have had a look in her eyes or 
something because Willow had seemed to know that she meant love love and not 
friendly love. For the first time since she'd met her, Willow had been 
speechless. Buffy had stuttered out her feelings, telling Willow that she 
hadn't realized what she felt until she had left. She'd confessed all of her 
thoughts and feelings, even the weird confused ones that she still didn't 
understand. Willow had listened in silence, a silence that had scared Buffy 
far more than facing the Master. In fact, it had caused Buffy to babble at a 
rapid speed. Even now, she had no clear idea of everything she had said. She 
knew she had told Willow of times that she had felt love, had recognized that 
their connection was something meant to be, things that she had spent hours 
upon hours remembering while in LA. It was rather sad that she could remember 
almost every detail concerning Willow, from her smell to her words to her 
thoughts to her emotions, from the first moment she met her. 


When she had finished, Willow had said one word that had caused more babbling 
from the slayer. Angel. Buffy had tried to explain about her feelings for the 
vampire, about the love that she still felt for him, and about the difference 
in that love and what she felt for Willow. Angel had been important to her, 
was still a good friend, but he hadn't been Willow. Willow was her soulmate, 
if there was such a thing. Her friend, the voice of reason, the push that 
Buffy so often needed, the bright spot in her life, the one that reminded her 
that slaying wasn't a job, it was who she was, the one that Buffy knew was 
the reason she was still alive. If not for Willow, she wouldn't be who she 
was. She couldn't remember the exact words she had used, trying to make 
Willow understand the depth of her feelings, but she recalled vividly how 
Willow had reacted. The redhead had smiled at her, that special smile 
reserved for her, and then she'd kissed her back.


They hadn't stopped at kissing that night, making love as they both tried to 
express what they had kept hidden for so long. Willow told Buffy the next 
morning that she had fallen in love with her the first time they met when she 
had smiled and introduced herself. Of course, as Willow admitted, she'd also 
believed herself to be in love with Xander at the time and had chalked her 
reaction up to stress and the happiness at having a new friend. Buffy had 
found out that Willow had realized it was more than just friendship after 
Angel had lost his soul, that Willow had had a moment of clarity and knew 
that she was in love with Buffy. In a way, Buffy could look back on those 
wasted months, wishing they had spoken up earlier, but she knew it hadn't 
been their time. They'd been so young, not that they were that old now. 
Seniors, though. Nearly out on their own. They'd grown up more in two years 
than most people did after ten, so their maturity level was greatly improved. 
She also no longer cared what people thought of her, knowing that the only 
thing that mattered was what she thought of herself. Willow was more 
confident too. She'd watched her shy, quiet friend blossom into a sexy, 
capable woman over the last two years. Now, Willow was hers, even if the 
world still didn't know it.


Buffy glanced at her watch, tuning in and hearing Giles continue reading 
whatever it was he thought she should hear. It wasn't important, just some 
random thing he had discovered in one of those boring old dusty books. Had it 
been important, she'd have been paying more attention instead of letting 
herself get caught up in the memory of the last two wonderful months. Angel 
was the only one that knew about Willow. Strangely enough, he'd been 
completely supportive, giving them somewhere to hang out and just enjoy being 
in love. She knew it had to be difficult for him, seeing her with Willow, but 
he had told her that he'd always known he was sharing her with Willow, not at 
all surprised that the redhead returned her feelings. They had been putting 
off telling the others, still trying to get used to their relationship, 
wanting to enjoy the secret for just a little longer. It was about time to 
come out, though. Faith was suspicious, having already confronted them a 
couple of times wanting to know if she was right. They'd laughed it off, 
never denying but never confirming either. The brunette slayer seemed to have 
accepted their lack of argument as a confirmation on her thoughts. She'd hang 
with them now, referring to them as a couple in private but she'd never say 
anything around the others, seeming to know that they weren't ready yet. 


Tonight, they were going to a movie before patrol. A real date. Popcorn, 
sharing candy, sitting close together and necking. She couldn't wait. It 
would be the first time they were going out in public, risking someone seeing 
them. They weren't going to be too obvious, not wanting their friends to hear 
from someone else. Tomorrow after school was when they planned to announce 
their new status to their friends. Buffy planned on telling her Mom after the 
movie. Willow was going with her, both fearing what Joyce might say. Buffy 
knew her Mom was cool, but she wasn't sure how cool, so she was worried. She 
was going to do it though. She was tired of hiding her feelings for Willow, 
skulking around in the shadows like criminals. They were in love, knew each 
other well enough to finish each others' sentences, shared their hopes, 
dreams and fears. Every time they made love, Buffy would find herself almost 
crying from the emotions she felt for Willow. A love like that wasn't meant 
to be a secret. She wanted to be able to touch and feel and hold and whisper 
to her lover without caring who saw them.


She leaned back in the chair, a smile crossing her face as she thought about 
their movie date. She hoped it was dark in the back row. She had a few 
surprises for Willow, wanting the girl to always remember their first real 
date.


"Buffy, what is it?" Giles asked, drawing the slayer from her thoughts.


"Huh?" she looked at him in confusion, having missed whatever it was he had 
said.


"That smile," he said dryly, rubbing his temple, "that I've got a secret 
smile that you've had plastered on your face for the last five minutes."


"I've gotta secret?" she repeated with a curling of her lips. She looked at 
him in what she hoped was an innocent way and said, "Everyone has secrets, 
Giles. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. But, I wasn't smiling for any 
particular reason."


"Why do I not believe you?" he asked, studying his slayer carefully, knowing 
she was hiding something, had been hiding something for the last month at 
least.


"Because you're distrusting and old," she said, winking at him as he rolled 
his eyes. 


"I am not old," he defended before looking at the book. "We've had enough of 
this text. It's getting late and I'm sure you've got things to do."


"Yeah, actually, I do," she said, getting to her feet before he could take it 
back. "I'll see you tomorrow, Giles. I need to talk to you after school, 
nothing too important that can't wait."


"I'll be looking forward to it," he said as he shut the book.


"Oh, and Giles?" Buffy stopped by the door, looking back at him with a 
mischievous look before she walked out, 'I've gotta secret!" she said with a 
wink before turning and leaving, heading off to meet Willow for their date.


**********THE END*********