FIC: Revenge

[Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx]

Disclaimers: All this belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Inc. 
(Grrr..arrggh) and boy, if this does happen, he's screwed.



Drain Brameged Inc. Feebly presents
A Mad-Hamlet Production




Revenge



Mad-Hamlet idly flicked the power switch on 'his' computer. It was 
always the same machine he worked with at the Cyber Cafe of which he 
was part owner. So he felt a little more 'ownership' over this 
particular machine than any of the rest.

Besides this was where he stored all hit BtVS parapenila. Images, 
stories he had written, Manips etc..etc..

With the flick of the mouse he opened up his email and checked for the 
latest posts from his peers. One message got his attention. The 
sujbect read...

'Fortune Cookie'.

He groanded inwardly tired of all the junk mail but checked it anyway. 
Sometimes his friends sent him weird stuff. It was best to make sure. 

The message opened and on was a single word.

'Tonight.'

"What the.." He muttered to himself.

Then the power went out. 

He sat in the gloomy darkness of the cafe drumming his fingers on the 
table top. There was something oddly famliar about all this. Something 
that nagged at the back of his memory. Something about...things he had 
read about before..before the List, before..Buffy...

The FFML!!

Revenge..

"Oh...shit." He breathed the words quietly.

"I think that sums up the siutation nicely." Said another voice.

A light, chirpy voice.

A warm voice, something you migh hear just before being saved from the 
jaws of some undefinable beastie and you'd swear it was the most 
beautiful sound in all of creation. 

Odd that the voice, now could also be somewhat menacing in it's own 
right.

"Hello Buffy." Mad-Hamlet said spinning in his chair slowly. 

What little light that did shine through the picture window silliouted 
the slayers form. The edge of the illumination was just enough to 
allow half her face to be seen.

Despite the fact he had spent a good portion of the last year 
_wanting_ to see her face in real life Mad-Hamlet was suddenly all to 
aware of the ancient saying 'Be Carful What You Wish For.'

She didn't look happy.

Now that in and of itself was not saying a lot. 
If you didn't know Elizabeth Anne Summers she would not look any more 
dangerous, being unhappy, than any other average teenaged girl.

But if you did know her..

Well, in that case her expression spoke volumes.

The slight tick on the left side of her face meant she wondered how 
you'd look with your joints backwards. The crease in her forehead 
wondered how the recipaint of 'the look' would appear as one giant rug 
burn. The set of her shoulders meant she was curious as how you'd feel 
about drowning in your own blood and the final note, her clechning and 
relaxing her hands, why those meant she wondered how your throat would 
feel...and she was intending to find out soon.

Mad-Hamlet wasn't that concerned. He had talked his way out of tougher 
situations than this. 'Oh yeah?' His brain screamed at him. 'When!?'

"Don't I get a hello Hamlet?"

That was another voice.

He hadn't noticed her before. She was standing in the opposite corner 
of the room. Long red dress, a baggy brown sweater hanging over her 
shoulders, arms crossed over her chest. She wouldn't have looked too 
odd in that position, save that she was floating a good two feet off 
the ground. 

"Uh. Hi Willow." He spoke weakly.

'That's it.' His brain piped up. 'We're screwed...and not in the good 
way either.'

That was just panic talking, the more rationale part of his 
mind..well..that had gone on vacation. 

'I've read about this before.' He mused quickly. 'Charactesr of 
fanfiction coming into our world to enact revenge for what we authors 
have put them through...but what have I ever done?'

Panic spoke up.

'You raped Willow. Oh and let's see... then you killed Buffy, turned 
Willow into a walking corpse, and..oh yes, our latest truimph..killed 
Buffy _again_, gutting Willow like a fish, brought her back from the 
dead and had her kill Faith.'

'In other words,' Hamlet thought finally agreeing with his sense of 
panic. 'We're screwed.'

'I'm outta here.' Panic informed him and promtly left the building.

"That's right." Willow said softly. "You are screwed."

Taking a deep breath Mad-Hamlet replied. "Reading my mind Willow, 
height of bad manners. What would Giles say?"

"Actually," Buffy interupted. "Giles said, 'Can I come along? 
Mad-Hamlet and I have a matter to discuss.' but there wasn't enough 
room in the portal for more than Willow and me. Can I kill him now 
Will?"

"No." Willow said slowly. "I get first dibs, you got the short straw."

"Awww... C'mon Will." 

"No. Now behave or I we can't play our fun games when we get back." 
Willow shook a finger at the Slayer.

Mad-Hamlet's eyes nearlly popped out of his head. "Fun games? I don't 
remember writing about any 'games'." He muttered.

"Yeah!" Buffy spun to face him. "Which is one of the things we wanted 
to 'talk' to you about!"

"It's always pain." Willow added. "Gut wrenching pain and agony. What 
is it with you and pain anyway?"

"I..." Mad-Hamlet, for the first time ever, found himself at a loss 
for words. He compensated quickly. By running like a coward.

Course that didn't work. Buffy merely snagged him by the collar of his 
jacket and hoisted him in the air effortlessly. His feet peddled 
making no contact with the ground for a few seconds.

'I don't know what's worse.' He complained to himself. 'I'm going to 
die or the fact that she's only..what..five, four?'

"I'm five, five!" Buffy snapped tossing him back in his chair. 

"Great." Mad-Hamlet muttered. "Mind linked? I KNOW I never wrote 
that...yet."

"So you asked about pain Willow." Mad-Hamlet spun his seat to face the 
witch. He tried very hard to ignore her black eyes, the etheral glow 
surrounding her body the..the..eldricth, arcane bolts of white 
lightniging that crawled impatiently around her fingers like a caged 
tiger. He tried to ignore them..and he realised he wasn't doing a very 
good job. 

"Pain let's you feel alive.." He said grandly. "After going through 
the dark is not the light of day that much warmer? Does the sun not 
shine in a way that let's you believe, for no matter how brief a time, 
that is shines for you and yours alone? Are the trees not a miracle 
now? Emerald green and offering shade, strenght and comfort? Does the 
grass not feel like cool velvet as you role upon it with your beloved? 
Are the birds not a glorious choir now that would make angels weep? 
Does not every bit of food and drink now dance upone your tounge with 
merry jest that you have never felt before or since? Are you not, at 
that moment, more alive than you have ever been?"

"Oh God." Buffy covered her face with her hands. "He's soliquizing."

Mad-Hamlet gave her a hurt look. "I like to think I soliquise very 
well thank you."

Willow shook her head slightly. "Impressive last words." She growled. 
Buffy, grab him.

A split second and one full nelson later Mad-Hamlet found himself face 
to face with an angry Wiccan, totally imobilised. It was impressive, 
what with Willow being nose to nose with him, that meant she still had 
to be, at least, five inches off the ground. 

"I have a soliloqy for you." She breathed into his face. Her finger 
graced his left cheek, sliding down slowly and oddly enogh the 
crackling energy did not hurt a bit. 'Maybe she still has it on a 
leash.' Mad-Hamlet thought.

"What a piece of work is a man!" Willow smiled, gently tweaking 
Mad-Hamlet's nose. "How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty! In 
form and moving how express and admirable!"

"Peachy." Mad-Hamlet grumbled. "Rosencranzt and Guildenstern talking 
to Hamlet, outside the castle. Act 2, scene 2."

Willow patted his cheek. "Indulge me." 

She continued. "In action how like an angel! In apprehension how like 
a god! The beauty of the world! The paragon of animals!"

As Willow spoke her tone changed, from warm and soft to something 
harder. It was a gradual transformation, each syllable slowly changing 
from something whispered and flowing to guttaral short bites. Her 
jawline grew tense and the pitch of her voice lowered so by the end 
she had to snarl out the last line.

Silence reigned in the cafe. Mad-Hamlet was aware he could only hear 
his own breathing. Maybe it was the dull roar in his ears, he couldn't 
be sure and events would not allow him time to be that introspective.

Willow began shrieking. " And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of 
dust?"

She floated away from the doomed fanficcer and her head now brushed 
the cieling, raising her hands slowly the arcane energies spun and 
whirled about her clawed fingers, snapping loudly like hungry beasts 
eager to feed.

"Man delights not me." Willow screamed. 

"Duh!" Mad-Hamlet shouted back.

Mad-Hamlet would be the first to admit he was not in the best of 
shape, and even if he was he figured Van Damme wouldn't have a chance 
against the Slayer. Still...

He snapped his head back slamming the back of his skull into the 
Slayer's face. 

"Ow." She said.

"Ow." He said.

Buffy didn't let go.

"Damn." Mad-Hamlet muttered. He wished he could move his arms, he 
really wanted to rub the back of his head. "That always works in the 
movies."

The crowing pitch of magic forces built to a towering climax.

And Mad-Hamlet found his tounge.

"NOR WOMEN NEITHER!" He shouted. "But by your smiling you seem to 
think so!"

"How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable, Seem to me all the uses of 
this world!" He continued. "Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unweeded 
garden, that grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature Possess it 
merely. That it should come to this!"


Willow paused. Confused. "That's not..that's not how it goes. You got 
your lines crossed."

"Somebody has their wires crossed alright." Mad-Hamlet grumbled.

"Hey!!" Both the women shouted in protest.

"Well excuse me!" Mad-Hamlet protested back. "I'm sorry but that's how 
I view this world. So I make my own. And guess what, it would appear 
I'm not better than the creator at this game. Okay, people hurt, 
people even die..but you're still here arn't you? You still live and 
love and laugh and sing? And when thes sun goes down are there not 
other activities that you delight in, matters of flesh and heat, white 
and beautiful."

"You're soliquising again." Buffy growled in his ear. "About deeply 
personal stuff."

"I gave you that personal stuff." Mad-Hamlet protested again.

"Oh yeah?" Willow challenged. "When?"

Mad-Hamlet boggled. "HeeeelllOOOoo..Feather Roads ring any bells? How 
about On Occasions? Hmm..well? I'm WWAAAIIITTTINNNGGG!!"

"Feather Roads?" Buffy looked confused.

"On Occasions?" Willow echoed the sentiment.

"And you call yourselves reasearchers." Mad-Hamlet smirked, he 
thought, maybe..just maybe..he had a reprieve. A chance.

"If you'll let me go...thanks..they're right here. Gimmie a sec."

"I can do it." Willow challenged. "I am a hacker y'know." 

"Fine...fine." Mad-Hamlet backed away from the machine, holding his 
hands up. 

The next half hour was spent nervously wringing his hands while the 
two..suddenly not so fictional characters poured over his other works. 
He thought about trying to slip out the door and run like hell, 
but..he decided he wasn't that stupid.

Mild bursts of outrage were heard from time to time but as they 
progressed the 'flavor' of the hushed whispers changed.

"Oh my God." He heard Buffy mutter.

"We have got to try that." Willow echoed.

"Hey..I didn't write all of them." They spun to face him. "I can't 
take all the blam..I mean credit. Shyfox and Kirayoshi helped."

"Kirayoshi.." Buffy said thoughtfully. "Didn't he send me to hell?"

"Shyfox...I like Shyfox." Willow giggled. "She gave me a baby."

"And knocked Buffy off a three story building." Mad-Hamlet added. Hey, 
if he was going down he wasn't going down alone. 

"But I got better." Buffy snapped. 

"And you did in my stories too!" Mad-Hamlet pointed out. "One way or 
the other."

"Ashes?" Willow asked.

"Even then."

"We were dead!" Buffy exclaimed outraged.

"Yeah but you were together." Mad-Hamlet said.

"Oh sure. Heaven. That helps so much." Buffy snorted.

"Do..do they have mochas in Heaven?" Willow asked quietly.

"Uh..." Mad-Hamlet uhed.

"Do..." Willow squirmed in her seat alkwardly. "Do they have duel 
headed, strap o.."

"I HAVE NO IDEA!!" Mad-Hamlet bellowed loudly not wanting her to 
finish the sentence. "NO IDEA! NOT ME! NOT HERE! IDEA MAN HAS LEFT THE 
BUILDING!!"

He held his hands firmly over his ears. "I CAN'T HEEEARRR YOU!! LA LA 
DEE DAAA I AM THE EGGMAN I AM THE WALRUS COO COO CACHU!!"

Strong hands pulled his hands away from the sides of his head.

"Just..stop." Buffy appeared to be begging. "Stop. Stop singing. 
Cease, desist, ixnay, pause, ..and so forth."

"Okay." Mad-Hamlet agreed. The two girls nodded and went back to 
reading.

More time passed in overall silence.

The computer was shut off with an audiable 'click'.

The two girls stood up and approached Mad-Hamlet. He was standing in 
the corner smoking a ciggarette. 

"Those will kill you you know." Willow said.

"I thought with you being here it was a moot point." Mad-Hamlet said.

"Nope." Buffy shook her head.

"Feather Roads saved your ass." Willow chirruped.

Mad-Hamlet and Buffy boggled at the wiccan.

"What?" She said. "I can say ass!"

"My world is crumbling around me." Mad-Hamlet grumbled.

"Sheesh." Buffy groaned. "Delusionsal much?"

"Every chance I get." Mad-Hamlet snapped back. "So..I get to live?"

"Yes." The two girls said at the same time. The Blonde didn't appear 
to happy at the idea.

Mad-Hamlet nodded slowly. "Cool." A split second later he was pinned 
to the wall by the slayers hand at his throat. 

"More happy stuff." She hissed in his face. "After Ashes..." She let 
her voice drift off, the threat being more effective being unsaid.


"Happy stuff." Mad-Hamlet gasped around the iron hand. "Gotcha."

The Slayer released him and he collapsed on the ground coughing.

"C'mon Will." The Slayer said. "Let's go."

The two girls quickly exited the cafe letting the door swing shut 
behind them silently. 

Mad-Hamlet sat on the floor of the Cyber Cafe. The power was still out 
so it was still dark. 

The door opened and Willow's head popped around the corner. "Just a 
teensy revenge." She said with a giggle. An arcane bolt of energy 
launched itself across the room impacting with the Author's head. 

"There." Willow smirked. "Complete spoilers for every season of BtVS 
yet to be made. You'll never be surprised again."

She closed the door silently satisfied with her work. 

Inside a dark room a dark man seethed. 

"Yer angry sport." Another voice popped up.

"You here for revenge too?" Mad-Hamlet growled. The pain of the spell 
and the knowledge now upon him, ruining forever the rest of the show, 
was palpable in his voice.

"Heck no mate. You stayed loyal with me. I figure I owe you. The 
question is: Do you want revenge?"

"Tell me what you have in mind." Mad-Hamlet choked out between 
clenched teeth.

"C'mon friend, we'll go have a beer and 'discuss' it."

"Sounds like a plan." Mad-Hamlet pulled himself to his feet slowly.

Spike held open the door and the two of them went off, on a dark 
night, to drink beer and plan dark deeds.


END-Revenge

Authors Notes: 'Revenge Fics'- When the Fanficced characers enter our 
reality to ...discuss..what's been done to them with the respective 
creators of various fanfics.

I don't know how common those are in this particualar genre but on 
the FFML(Fan Fiction Mailing List- An Anime focused branch of 
fanfiction) they are commonplace. But on Hallowee, or near it, the 
gloves come off. Generally they're pretty mean. More often than not 
the fanficcer gets beaten up, forced to 'be' a hero, or..worst of 
all..dunked in the nyannichiuan.(Spring of Drowned Girl) And if anyone 
here is familiar with Ranma 1/2 you know that means. 
This all came to a head about three or four years back with 'The 
Revenge Wars'. A HUGE fic where a lot of anime characters got revenge 
on a lot of fanficcers and the fanficcers wanted revenge back. It got 
to be pretty bloody, with fanficcers throttling the hell out of their 
beloved characters..untill it was revealed that a mysterious third 
party had instigated the whole shebang to gain 'Univeral Domination'.
I stopped reading about there. 
But it was fun.

Anyone else want to try?

It's Halloween..they're free..and they're looking for a bit O'Revenge.