Fic: Love and Deniability 1/1

[jdoe0101@xxxxxxx]

Title: Love and Deniability
Author: Jdoe0101
Email: Jdoe0101@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: Quoth the welcome file, "Joss rules, I suck. He owns 'em, I wish 
I did."  
Summary: Rage and pain and love and other stuff. I still suck at summaries.   
 
Spoilers: All of season 6 so far. 
Distribution: Ask first please.  
Rating: R
Author notes: In the same vein as Damn Right, but from another point of view. 
I'm still not sure of where this is all going but, like the show, I know it's 
not going to good. Thank you again for your time reading. 


I love her, and that's the only thing keeping her alive. 
If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to control myself.
But the only thing keeping the other three alive is the fact that if I 
went after them, I'd have to kill her. 
I can't forgive her for it, and it's all I can do to get through a day 
because of it, I know she loved me. 
Loves me. 
That's why she can't accept that what she did was so wrong. That she was 
wrong in the first place. It still hurts, still screams at me. Like 
everything else since I came back; too loud, now, now, now, go, go, go. 
Giles has an idea, but he's not going to figure it out, he's too busy 
with everything else. Still, I've seen some of the looks he's been giving me. 
Good thing the stuff with Angel came up, I had to go, or else I would have 
said something, done something that would have given it away and then we'd 
have a problem. 
Because right now I can deal with it, it's me, only I know. 
Well, Spike knows, but he'll be in an ashtray if he says a word. That's 
why I told him. 
He's disposable. 
Xander, Giles, Willow, Dawn ... if one of them found out, then things 
would be so not good. 
Then it'd be real you know, couldn't pretend then. I couldn't keep it in, 
couldn't compartmentalize it <Damn right Oprah, but really, remember your 
spirit? So NOT helpful right now…>
And if it was real? 
Well, Xander'd be the first to die, because he really should have known 
better.
He was the one who brought me back the first time and we all saw how THAT 
turned out. Kendra, Angelus, Faith, the Mayor, I could go on ... not that I 
could really complain the first time around. I still had work to do, nothing 
was finished. The Master was going to kill everyone and destroy Sunnydale. No 
one else could stop it, I had to. 
This time? I was done. Everything was fine, Mom was still gone, but Dawn 
would survive and the rest of gang could take care of her. It would hurt, but 
they'd go on. 
They could go on, so I could go, and it would all be ok. 
But no, now it's not ok. Now it's all gone to hell. I'm in hell. I was in 
Heaven, now I'm in hell, only I didn't fall.
I was pushed; by my friends, by my family. Not Dawn of course, she's my 
family, blood of my blood and all that, <again with the irony> but the rest 
of them, they were my FAMILY. The ones who'd been right there. They knew, 
better than anyone, how much I'd earned my rest. 
Death is my gift, that's what the First Slayer said. They knew that, I 
told them, and STILL they brought me back. My death was my gift, my REWARD, 
but that wasn't enough for them. 
It's never enough. 
Xander would be first, in his apartment, with a stake. <Go with what you 
know> Same with Anya, can't forget the former Vengeance Demon after all. 
Tara'd be third, get her to come down to the basement one day. I'd stab 
her in the throat, to make sure she couldn't cast any spells. No muss, no 
fuss and she'd be gone before she knew what happened. Really, she's the oneI 
can almost forgive in all this. She doesn't have the history, so she wouldn't 
have known why this was so wrong. Still, its not like she tried to spot it or 
anything, so yeah, she'd still have to die, but she'd die quickly at least.
Willow on the other hand, would take a while. After all, when you have 
Spike, Angelus and Faith for teachers, it's amazing what a motivated girl can 
learn.
Then I'd be last and I could go back. Giles could take care of Dawn, 
Spike could even help, if he didn't do anything stupid and force me to dust 
him. 
It'd all work out in the end. 
But no, that's not going to happen. 
Not today anyway.
As long as it's just me and Spike, everything's ok. I can keep pretending 
and everything'll be everything. Yup, right as rain. 
It's not like I even think about it much. 
Nope, not at all.


End