FIC: Stripped Away

[jeepy91@xxxxxxx]

Hi guys :) Ok well I know the last two fics I sent got all screwed up. This 
one I saved in Text Format, so I hope it shows up ok. Please let me know if 
it doesn't so I can try and figure out why :(

Hope you like, it's rather short, it just kinda came to me last night, 
actually before I even watched 'Dopplegangland'
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Author: Casandra
Email: rozwellrulz@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: Can't tell you how much I'd love to say I owned them. Cause, 
well, if I did, then there wouldn't be such a big need for fanfic about these 
two, it would all be onscreen :). But since Joss, Mutant Enemy, yada yada 
yada hold that honor..................................
Rating: PG- PG-13. You know me, I won't even attempt anything past a PG-13.
Pairing: Buffy/Willow of course
Warning: If a romantic relationship between two consenting adult woman 
bothers you, run far, far away.
Distribution: Sure, be my guest. Just please drop me a email to let me know 
where I can find it.
Feedback: Well it's very hypocritical of me to ask for it considering how bad 
I am about giving it myself :( But I would greatly appreciate anything you 
felt inclined to send my way.
Summary: Mostly Buffy's thoughts during 'Dopplegangland'. Inevitably it will 
skewer from the way the episode actually ended.
Spoilers: Mostly just 'Dopplegangland'
Author's Note: Well this is bound to be a rather short fic, I just can't seem 
to find the patience to write a long drawn out epic fic. I generally spin my 
fics off of actual episodes that I felt had an abundance of subtext. Which 
actually now that I think about it, is quite a few eppies! Don't you just 
love subtext? Anyway, almost all of this is Buffy's POV

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I sit here and I know that I'm in the library, but it's like I'm surrounded 
in this dense, never-ending fog. There's no path out and I'm being 
suffocated by the thick gray smoke that is engulfing me. And the really 
horrible thing is that I don't care. I feel numb, and with the numbness I 
could care less what happens to me. The fog could carry me away, could kill 
me slowly, and I wouldn't care. Because she's gone.

I look up from my position on the library stairs. Huh, I wonder how I ended 
up on the stairs? I see Xander sitting above me, a haunted glaze clouding 
his normally gentle brown eyes. Willow was his best friend too, and I know I 
should feel sorry for him, after all, he's known her much longer than I 
have. But I can't, I'm so numb that I can't even feel sorry for me let alone 
Xander. I turn away from him to look at Giles, who for the first time I can 
ever remember, seems to have tears in his eyes. Not even when Ms. Calendar 
died do I remember seeing his eyes glisten over. But even though he was my 
Watcher, I knew that he always related to my best friend the most. Giles and 
Willow were so intellectually alike that the Watcher couldn't help but be 
endeared by the shy redhead. Still, I couldn't feel bad for Giles, after 
all, I can't even feel bad for myself.

The silence between the three of us is deafening, like words would make the 
horrible truth that much more real. But while Giles and Xander silently 
grieve my mind seems trapped in the moment my world as I knew it ended.

I can remember every detail of today as if it were scarred onto my soul. I 
remember the argument we had this afternoon, the fact that Willow felt so 
badly about herself had tore at my heart all day long. I've always hated 
when Willow questioned her self worth. Can't she see how incredible she is? 
She has become more confident in the three years that I've known her, and I'd 
like to think that I've drawn her out of her shell at least a little bit. So 
when she reverts back to the shy girl that I met that first day at Sunnydale 
High, it breaks my heart in all kinds of ways. 

I went to the Bronze tonight hoping she would be there, the need to make 
things right between us flowing through my veins like molten lava. I didn't 
question the urgency I felt to see her tonight. It didn't even occur to me 
that it was something other than the need to make things better with my best 
friend. But as I sit here and I finally start to feel the grief wash over me 
in drowning waves, I know better.

When I walked up to Xander tonight my mind had been in full apology mode. I 
hadn't even really intended on talking to him, but after I had scanned the 
crowd a couple of times looking for Willow and coming up empty I decided to 
ask Xander. As I think back now I should have known that when I saw her she 
had been turned. My spidey sense had been screaming out at me, but I was so 
enraptured by that tight corset my best friend was sporting that I chose to 
ignore it. As she turned away from me I felt like I had gone ten rounds with 
some kind of sorrow demon, I knew that our friendship was fast becoming a 
thing of the past. I felt like I was in slow motion as I reached out for 
her. When I grasped a hold of her forearm a bone tingly chill wrapped itself 
around my entire being. She was cold. Willow, the best friend I could ever 
hope to have and so much more, was ice cold. Even before she spun around and 
revealed the awful, horrifying truth, I knew. The demon that now inhabited 
my best friend's body stared me down as I gaped in pure and utter shock. The 
shock soon gave way to the numbness, which now has ushered in the all 
consuming grief I'm plagued with this very moment.

I know now why I felt such a need to make things right with her. The term 
best friend now seems so very inappropriate, she was so much more than that. 
God, was? How can I even think that way? It took me losing her to make me 
realize how much I truly needed her. How much I still need her and always 
will. The thoughts that are finding their way into my mind finally caused 
the dam to break lose. As the hot salty tears finally track their way down 
my sullen face, I realize just how much I am losing. I'll never be able to 
take comfort in her warm open embrace ever again. I can never just walk 
down the halls of school and feel completely content again, just because I 
was holding my best friend's hand. I'll never hear her adorable babble 
sprees again. Never. I'll never see the person I loved most in this demon 
laden world again. And the fact that she took her last breath not knowing 
how important she was to me is the most devastating thing of all. Willow 
died thinking all that mattered was that we thought she was reliable. And as 
long as I live I'll never be able to forgive myself for that.

I had to finally figure out I was in love with Willow after it's already too 
late. It took me losing the best thing that ever happened to me to finally 
figure out the truth of my heart.

Sometimes it takes loss to make you appreciate what you have. I had 
everything I could ever have wanted in Willow, and I didn't even realize it 
until it was too late. Damn it. Damn everything, they took her away from me! 
Damn the vampires. Damn the demons. Damn the world. Damn everyone. I just 
want her back. Please, just bring her back. I'd give anything in this life 
and the next just to have 5 more minutes with her. Just one more chance to 
tell her how much she means to me, how much she's always meant to me, and 
always will.

But once again I'm a day late and a dollar short. I could have been so happy 
with her, I know we could have been fantastically happy together. But I was 
a coward. I shied away from the feelings I always knew were there, and I'll 
forever pay the consequences. Whether I live another day, another year or 
even ten years, I'll never miss her any less. And I'll never, ever forgive 
myself for my silence. For it not only cost me, it cost Willow. Don't ask 
how I know, because I'm not exactly sure, I just do, but Willow felt the same 
way. So my silence, my cowardess cost us both dearly. And I pray to 
anything above, that just as I knew how she felt, she knows how I feel. The 
fog's returning, the pain and grief far too much to bear. I like the 
numbness, I like not feeling the pain. Because then I can pretend it's not 
real, that she's not gone forever. Just as I'm about to let the grayness 
overtake me I see the library doors swing open and a sea of red hair come 
bounding over to us. I know I'm imagining, I know my grief is playing tricks 
on my mind. I've never seen her look more beautiful, with her fuzzy pink 
sweater and her happy go lucky stance. She's the epitome of my Willow. I'm 
afraid to move, because I like the dream, the vision, far too much to let it 
slip away from me.

"Hey guys, what's going on?"

My heart stops beating, my ears start ringing, my eyes cloud over. The dream 
seems so real that I'm starting to question myself. Xander has a cross right 
in her face, she's not the vampire that we saw at the Bronze, of that I'm 
sure. I'm too afraid to hope, yet with everything that I am I'm praying that 
it's real, that she's real. I suddenly find my voice, not really knowing 
what will come out.

"Willow, you're alive?"

"Aren't I usually?" Willow. It's my Willow. It's amazing to me that I 
could know so much with three simple words. Not caring in the least bit, the 
fear sliding away entirely, I launch myself into her arms. I am determined 
never to let her go, I have my second chance, and I certainly don't intend on 
wasting it.

"Willow, I love you" I don't care who hears me, as long as she does. As 
long as she understands me it doesn't matter who else is in the room casting 
me curious glances. She takes my face in her gentle hands and brings out 
lips together in a sweet, warm embrace. I know that people try and describe 
first kisses with all sorts of heartfelt, romantic words. But I can't do 
that. Maybe it's because I've never been that articulate, but I think it's 
because there is only one word for it. Perfect. The kiss we shared as Giles 
looked away uncomfortably and Xander almost glared with jealousy, was one 
simple thing. Perfection. And I knew there would be a lifetime more of those 
sweet, perfect Willow kisses. She pulled away from the embrace and gazed at 
me with such pure unwavering love that I almost lost my balance. I think 
that if her arms wouldn't be wrapped firmly around my waist that I would be 
eating linoleum right about now.

"I know Buffy. Just like you know I love you too" 

I smile up at her, because she's right, I did know.



THE END

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