FF: On occasion Willow's bedroom

["Christeen Demons" <Shyfox30@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

On occasion: Willow's Bedroom

Disclaimer: The characters of Buffy: the vampire Slayer, belong to Joss 
Whedon, mutant enemy, Upn, and anyone else I can't think of at the moment. 
They do not, however, belong to me, and no profit was made in the making of 
this fic.

Subtext: Nah, it's maintext all the way. I'd give this an NC-17 rating for 
the sex. If you're too young, come back when you're older. If you're 
adverse to woman on woman action...see the back up key? Hit it real quick. 
Flamers? Don't make me break out my asbestos underwear...they're really 
itchy.

This is the ninth part in the On occasion series...but seeing as it follows 
Bad girls and takes place during Consequences I thought I'd try a little 
different formula...let me know if it works.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick
and think of you
Caught up in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback
warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcase
of memories
Time after..
Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me
I can't hear
What you've said
Then you say, go slow
I fall behind,
The second hand unwinds

Chorus:
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
I will be waiting!
Time after time

After my picture fades
and darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows you're wondering if I'm okay.
Secrets stolen from deep inside.
The drum beats out of time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
I will be waiting!
Time after time

You said go slow,
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
I will be waiting!
Time after time
Cindy Lauper



Life as a fish is so simple. All they do is swim round and round in their 
bowl waiting for someone to feed them, and occasionally change their water. 
They don't have thoughts, or hopes, or feelings. At least, I don't think 
they do; and even if they did, they wouldn't have
any way to express them, unless they're telepathic...oooh, that would be 
cool...but I don't think so. They'd probably be really simple, like...

"I'm so happy my water is clean',

'oh, is that food?', or

'Look, I'm hiding in my castle'.

They wouldn't be the mixed up mess of conflicting emotions we humans are 
subjected to on a daily basis. I can't see a fish pondering whether or not 
his swiming buddy really liked him.

If only I could be a fish. I'd be happily swimming in my little fish bowl, 
not a care in the world except for when my swimming buddy bites me on my 
tail. Nope. Not me. I'm not that lucky. I just get to watch the two 
sparkling orange goldfish swim aimlessly, while my
stomach swims along with them. When did life get so complicated? I could 
start at the beginning, like when Buffy first moved to Sunnydale. That sure 
added a whole slew of complications to my admittedly amebic-like life. 
Before she came all I had to worry about
was Cordelia picking on me in the halls...or the fact that Xander had the 
attention span of a two-year old high on sugar. But then that would just be 
the icing on the cake.

So...when? After the Master? After Angelus? After...that first kiss, at 
the sleepover...when we...that certainly was unexpected. Buffy and I...who 
could have predicted that? Well, nobody considering nobody else knew. 
Well, nobody except for Angel...and he doesn't exactly count.

So...unpredictable...completely unlooked for and yet...just thinking about 
her makes this place in my stomach feel all squishy. Which is unfortunate, 
because I'm trying really hard to stay mad at her. How could she do this to 
me? First Buffy completely skips out on a study date we were supposed to 
have to go Slaying with...her. Not that I take her duties as a Slayer 
lightly...I don't. But I was really looking forward to those after study 
smoochies. And then, she skipped out of class in the middle of a really 
important test...again...with her. I presume they were going 
Slaying...again. Which is fine..except
that she used to trust me to guard her back...I used to go with her all the 
time. But now Buffy says it's too dangerous?

I suppose I should have talked to her when she approached me in the hall 
this morning, I mean she looked all nervous and...and somber, but I didn't 
exactly know what to say. And I was still mad at her...am still mad at 
her...and that makes me feel even more mad because feeling mad just makes me 
feel icky. I don't like feeling angry, but I especially don't like feeling 
angry at Buffy. It hurts. Which just makes me even more angry. Darn 
vicious cycles.

Oh well. Thinking about her isn't going to get my homework done any faster. 
I still have to do it, even though she can blithely ignore assignments. 
She's the Slayer...she has more important things to do. But not me. 
See...there's my laptop, set up on my desk, just
waiting for me. Sometimes it's just not easy being me. Being a straight A 
student takes hard work, and dedication...especially when you're fighting 
vampires as a sideline. Something I think Buffy has forgotten.

A tap at my french doors. I must have jumped three feet. Boy, I'm wired. 
Totally. I can feel my heart trying to beat it's way out of my ribcage. 
Well, considering the creatures of the night don't usually knock, I don't 
think it would hurt to answer it...after all, only a few
people would bother to try to get my attention from this route. Xander 
usually just rings the doorbell. Angel came to these same doors last 
year...before he turned all evil. But he doesn't really have a reason to 
come see me, at least I don't think he does. Which leaves just one 
possibility. The person I've been thinking about all evening, that's got my 
head spinning in such savage circles.

I see her form outlined behind the curtains. Buffy!

My heart almost skips a happy beat at the very thought of her, but then I 
dampen that elated urge, reminding myself that I'm still really grouchy with 
her at the moment. But I don't want to be. I'd much rather be happy with 
Buffy. To feel her kisses on my neck, to
look into those shining blue eyes and feel the warm sunshine of her smile on 
my face, surrounding me with bliss. I want the blissful Buffy back. Not 
the absentee Buffy that's taken her place. Oh, why does life have to be so 
complicated. Why can't the night last forever...to be a fish... yeah. To be 
a fish. But that would mean no Buffy. That thought is totally depressing, 
but I can't think about that now.. She's waiting and I have to open the 
door. We'll work this out..we..we have to.

I open the door and she stands there waiting for something. I'm not quite 
sure what she's waiting for. She doesn't look happy, but I suppose neither 
do I. "Hey." She mumbles, and I can barely make out the word, although I 
know she spoke cause I can see her lips
moving. I think I answered back, because she kind of nodded, looking me over 
with her eyes.

"Can...can I come in?" It's kind of funny, but the last time I answered 
that question in the affirmative, it lead to the death of my goldfish. Not 
that I'm comparing Buffy to Angel...for one thing, she would never kill my 
goldfish. And she's never tried to hurt
me...at least...not intentionally. I attempt to keep this in mind as I let 
her in.

She walks over to the bed, looking more nervous than I've ever seen 
her...and that's saying a lot considering her ex-boyfriend, who just 
happened to be a vampire, had at one time tried to kill us. Sitting on the 
bed, she looks at me, and I can feel something is off with her. I'm not 
quite sure what that something is, but it's starting to make me nervous.

"I need to talk to you." She says quietly, with hardly any tone in her 
voice, and now I'm really nervous. Conversations that start that way never 
end well. What could it be? She's been spending a lot of time with Faith 
recently, so maybe...no...please don't let it be that.
She can't possibly want to...I feel like my brain is going to explode, or 
just stop functioning. I have to...have to start talking. Yeah, that's 
it...maybe if I talk she won't have a chance to say what she wants to say.

"Good." I can hear my own voice in my head...funny how that happens. I 
wonder if she can hear how badly it's trembling. "Cause I've been letting 
things fester. And I don't like it. I wanna be fester-free." Fester-free? 
What kind of thing is that to say? What if Buffy
takes it the wrong way...what if she thinks that I want to break up?

She's smiling at me, but it's not her usual 'devil-may-care I'll stake him 
on Saturday' kind of grin, it's more of a 'I hope she doesn't take this too 
badly' kind. Or, maybe my imagination is just running away from me. "Yeah. 
Me, too." Me too? Me too what? My mind goes
swiftly back over our conversation. Oh...the fester-free part. Oh goddess, 
I think I'm going to be sick. My hands are shaking and I have to clasp them 
together to keep her from noticing. Please don't let her mean that she wants 
to...I don't want her to lea-...to break
up...I don't want to be fester-free that way. Got to keep talking.

"I mean, don't get me wrong. I-I completely understand why you and Faith 
have been doing the bonding thing." I wince internally. Poor choice of 
words. That brings to mind a whole other type of imagery I'd rather not 
think about...like Buffy in chains...and Faith dressed completely in black 
leather, carrying a whip, and laughing seductively as she runs the peice of 
leather up and down Buffy's...no, no no, can't go there. "You guys work 
together. You... You should get along." Who am I trying to convince here, 
her or me?

'Its more complicated than that." Her voice is small and I barely hear her 
through the swarm of doubts running through my own head. But I hear just 
enough to increase their pitch. A flurry of questions explode in my brain. 
Complicated? It's complicated? How long has it been complicated Buffy? 
And why haven't you told me? I can't stop the
avalanche of thought that seem insistent on making it's prescence known. My 
imagination is oh so handy at handing me images of Buffy and Faith wrapped 
up together in some sort of steamy tryst. My heart aches at every scene.

She's just sitting there on my bed, looking like she has a million things to 
say but isn't quite sure whether she can, or wants to say them. And all of 
a sudden, I'm mad...more mad than I've ever been before. Which is kind of 
scary, considering my total aversion to that whole anger emotion, but I'm 
also not just going to sit back and take this. Not anymore.

"I'm ticked!" I say firmly, standing up, and Buffy's startled into looking 
at me instead of her pant leg. "I'm ticked and I'm not ashamed of being 
ticked. Do you know why?" I say, even though I am a little bit...ashamed 
that is...just seeing Buffy get that pinched, regretful
look on her face makes me be ashamed, but I'm past the point of stopping.

"Willow?" Buffy's staring at me. Good. Finally I have her full attention 
focused solely on me. For the first time in..how long? But..but oooo this 
isn't the kind of attention I wanted. I want the other kind the..soft 
kind...the sweet smiles and the loving gazes...and-
No. No, we have something to say and by gum we're going to say it!

"I'll tell you what's ticking me off!" Buffy looks down at her hands again 
and I know what she's going to say. Or..at least I think I do. Her face says 
it all. That's her..uhm..what...what...oh yeah, she's putting on her 'You 
can't understand' mask. I can't stand that mask. It makes my stomach boil.

"It's that exact thing that-that's just ticking me off!" I say loudly, 
pointing my finger in her face. She jumps a bit, startled at my outburst, 
but I'm on a roll. "It's this whole 'Slayers only' attitude. I mean, since 
when wouldn't I understand? You, you talk to me about
*everything*. I used to be the one you would always turn to Buffy, remember? 
And now, now you bring all your problems to Faith. That hurts! That 
hurts a lot! Ever since we...we...I-it's like all of a sudden I-I'm not 
cool enough for you because I can't kill things
with my bare hands."

As the words 'bare hands' exits my mouth I see Buffy flinch, hard, like I'd 
just slapped her. She...she shrank away from me. I scared her? I scared the 
girl I love and somehow said something bad? What did I say? Something 
about...killing something...with my...bare...hands? What? I'm so confused. 
I don't think this is about what I thought it was about at all. I take a 
brief moment to really notice Buffy for the first time since she arrived.

Her lower lip is trembling and the glassy, watery eyes she's been giving me 
since she got here, but foolish me never took the time to notice, spills 
over. She dissolves right in front of me...just slides down onto the bed, 
her arms holding her chest tightly, while she sobs
uncontrollably. I did this. I hurt her. I can't believe I hurt her. 
But...but I...I didn't mean too!

I can't take it. My Buffy...crying. I have to stop it...I have to help 
her. "Oh! Oh, Buffy! Don't cry." Crawling onto the bed, I lay down beside 
her, wrapping my arm around her shaking body. She buries her head in my 
shoulder, her tears wetting my shirt. "I'm sorry.
I-I was too hard on you. Sometimes I unleash. I-I don't know my own 
strength. I-i-it's bad. I-I-I'm bad. I'm a bad, bad, bad person."

I feel her shake her head against my shoulder. "No." She croaks, and I can 
hear the tears in her voice. "You...you're not bad. You could never be 
bad." Buffy denies vehemently. "I'm the bad one."

I'm not sure what to think at this point. "What do you mean, Buffy?" I ask 
gently, trying to understand.

"Will, I'm in trouble." I'm looking into her eyes as she says this, and for 
a moment I can barely breathe, struck by the sheer terror and sadness 
radiating from those blue eyes. How could I have missed the pain that she 
was in? What could possibly have happened to make
her look like this? Were all of our friends okay? What about her mother? 
I have too many questions and no real answers. I can feel her muscles, 
shuddering with tension underneath my hands, I can feel her fear and it's 
becoming my fear as well. I..I want to move..to go..have to..why? Don't 
care. Oh Goddess. I have to ask, though at this point I'm not sure I want 
to. But we're both here, and we have to handle this together.

"What happened Buffy?" Her blue eyes are foggy and I can see that she's 
struggling with her decision of whether or not to tell me, part of her fear 
is trapping something inside...but I'm right on top of her...I do the only 
thing I can think of...not thinking really; instinct has taken over. I 
gently stroke the side of her face. Then just do it again not letting her 
look away.

"Okay." I whisper, still touching her softly. "Okay." I repeat. Our eyes 
are locked, mine into hers, hers into mine, sharing each other's emotions 
through direct eye contact, almost like a link to each other's souls.

Her face is wet and a little clammy but I don't stop stroking her cheeks. I 
wipe away the tears and try and warm her up with my hand. "Okay." I keep 
saying and she begins to nod. "O-" she stops, swallows and wets her lips. 
"Okay." She says back to me.

I don't stop stroking her, but I don't say anything else either. I'll just 
give her the time she needs to say...whatever it is. I hope she hurries 
though; I'm so scared. Slowly, staggeringly, she tells it...all of it...and 
at times it's hard to hear, hard to believe that Buffy...My Buffy...could 
have taken part in the events she relates...breaking in to that weapons 
shop...busting out of that cop car. It isn't easy for her either. 
Sometimes she stops...to catch her breath...or evaluate how I'm taking 
everything. I nod encouragingly, never losing eye contact so she can see 
that I'm really listening. That I'm here for her.

Then she reaches the part about the alley, about Faith and the Deputy Mayor. 
I feel like I'm going to be sick as I listen to Buffy's gruesome 
descriptions...the way he had looked at them in shock, hands clutching at 
the stake protruding from his chest, feeling his life slip
away. Buffy's futile attempt to stop it. My heart breaks as fresh tears 
slip down her cheeks, and she breaks eye contact, probably feeling that now 
I'd want nothing to do with her. I hug her tightly to let her know that I'm 
not going anywhere, and I feel her arms wrap convulsively tight around me. 
For a second I'm worried that I won't be able to breathe, but then they 
loosen, settling more comfortably around me, and we just lay there 
comforting each other, and thinking about what was said, but not actually 
saying anything.

"You know, it wasn't your fault." I tell her finally, after we'd laid in 
silence for what seemed like an eternity. I hear her snort self-derisively 
and give her a slight pinch. "Hey." She protests, but I ignore the remark. 
"You know you can't carry the weight of the world
on your shoulders for everybody. It was an accident. That alley was dark, 
you didn't know he wasn't a vampire until the very last second...and by then 
it was too late."

"That doesn't change the fact that we killed a man." The self-blame in 
Buffy's voice made me cringe.

"Faith killed a man...you tried to stop her." I tried to reason with 
her...even though I knew reasoning with her at this point would be 
pointless. She would still feel the guilt of that man's death for a long 
time to come.

"Doesn't matter. He's still dead." Buffy said, tonelessly. "What am I 
going to do?" She asks me, and my heart rate picks up. I know she's 
looking to me for answers...I've always been her 'Answer girl'. It's just, 
I'm not quite sure what to think at this point. This is so
heavy. Apparently her question is mirrored in my face, because she closes 
her eyes in defeat.

"Everything is such a mess." Buffy sighs, and then she looks at me, like 
she's truly seeing me for the first time tonight. I feel a little worry 
knot in my stomach starting to tighten as she studies me, almost 
reflectively, and I can only wonder what she's thinking. I can tell
by the hidden shadows in her eyes that it isn't good. "How can you stand to 
be around me? All I ever do is bring you trouble."

I blink...shocked a little, even though I had known it wasn't going to be 
good, somehow I hadn't quite expected that. And then suddenly, my self 
doubts and worries earlier come back around full circle. Only instead of it 
being me finding myself lacking, not thrilling enough to hang with the 
Slayer, Buffy is wondering whether she's good enough to be
around me? "How can you say that?" I ask, caught somewhere in the 
conflicting emotions of being angry, sympathetic and hurt. Very odd 
combination. "How can you even think that?!"

Buffy tries to shy away from the question, feining to find the section of my 
bedroom wall nearest her head incredibly fascinating, but I'm not about to 
let her escape. I think this conversation has waited long enough. "And 
here I was worrying earlier that you didn't want to be around me, anymore." 
My voice is quiet, rueful, but the words capture her attention. Blue eyes 
hit mine and I can see the shock deep within their depths.

"Wh-what?" She manages to stutter, her voice a barely controlled squeek. 
She shakes her head aggresively, almost like she's trying to clear it from 
the fog it's been in, then looks at me, again, a look of such utter regret, 
that it causes physical pain. "No...I...god no..I.." She stops, I think to 
collect her wits, and then her hand is slowly, gently caressing my face, as 
if she's found something extraordinarily rare and precious. "I don't know 
what I'd do without you, Will." She says softly, so softly I can barely 
hear her. I can feel her fingers stroking my cheek, no discernible pattern 
to the touch, just unceasing soft movement. "I know I've been the absentee 
friend lately...It's just that..." She shakes her head, cutting herself 
off. "I'm so sorry."

My head feels muddled. I'm so confused...and the tickling sensations of her 
fingers on my face aren't helping my concentration, but...I think I'm 
getting close to something. Something she's been trying to hide from me. 
"Just what, Buffy?"

Her eyes leave mine, and take a sudden interest in what her fingers are 
doing. She swallows hard, and I think I can see sweat starting to glisten 
on her skin. "It's just that...I think I'm going to lose you anyway." I 
didn't hear that. I can't possibly have heard that
right. What? She starts talking again before I can question her.

"You're brilliant Willow! You can go to any college you want, they all want 
you. Me...I'll be lucky if I graduate high school. My grades should be 
nuked. What college in their right mind would want me? Not that it 
matters...it's not like I can leave Sunnydale. Big future as the Slayer 
ahead of me...ever notice that the Watcher's council doesn't have a 
retirement plan?"

"You...you think I would...leave you here to go to college?" I blink at 
her, suddenly aware of where her insecurity is coming from...all that talk 
about colleges pitching woo. I shouldn't have done it...especially in front 
of her...it's just that it was so flattering to get letters from all the big 
name schools. Imagine...me, little Willow Rosenberg getting a letter from 
Harvard.

"I would...if I were you. Given the chance...I'd get as far away from 
Sunnydale as I could. Leave all this pesky danger and vampires behind. So, 
what school seeking the brilliant mind of Willow Rosenberg is the farthest 
away? Harvard? Yale? You know you would make an excellant doctor...or a 
lawyer." Her tone toward the end is nearly perky, and she's pinned a huge, 
cheerful grin on her face, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. I see and 
hear the pain behind the false brightness. I can only imagine how much 
this has eaten at her...fearing that I'd go away and forget her...wishing 
she could change fate. Though how she could think that I'd actually do that 
is beyond me. I love her too much to ever want to leave. But then, have I 
ever really told her? I remember being so excited by those letters. They 
must have really shook Buffy's faith. Shook it so much that she'd give up 
entirely, and give in to Faith's pull toward the wilder side of being the 
Slayer.

Well, I can't let her keep thinking that. Look at all the trouble it's 
caused her already. I'll just simply have to make her see that I don't plan 
to leave her...ever. "Actually...I was...kind of thinking of going to U.C. 
Sunnydale." I say calmly.

She stares at me for the longest time, the little niche in her eyebrow 
standing out as her brow furrows, as if she can't quite believe what I just 
said. "You..." She opens her mouth, closes it, shakes her head, then 
raises an eyebrow at me. "Did you just say..." She trails
off again, and I simply nod at her. Her eyes open wide, her jaw nearly hits 
the floor and I swear if she gets any paler she'll be nearly transparent. 
"Buffy...breathe." I tell her, half afraid she'll pass out. Very slowly a 
smile is nudged out of hiding, tiptoeing across her
face as if afraid to be noticed. Her eyes take on an inner gleam, and they 
are happier than I've seen them all night...all week really. But then, 
inexpicably, the smile disappears and she starts shaking her head at me, 
regretfully. "Willow you can't."

"What do you mean I can't?" I ask her, not quite believing she actually 
said that. Oooh, she just makes my blood boil. Buffy can be so dense 
sometimes.

"I can't let you stay here because of me. All those schools want you...and 
I know you can get in...easily." The discouraged slump is starting to 
overtake her body again, and that just makes me even madder.

"When are you going to get it?" I ask, leaning into her face. She's 
shocked by the sudden movement, but she doesn't flinch. "They may want me, 
but I don't want them. I want to stay here, with you. I want to be with 
you...for as long as we have...hopefully forever...but if not...I'll take 
what I can get. I'm not greedy. Just...don't send me away. I need you too 
much."

Her eyes are shiny with unshed tears, as she strokes up my face, tucking an 
errant strand of hair behind my ear. She mumbles something that I don't 
quite catch. "What?" I whisper, watching mesmerized as her lips move, but 
either I'm too distracted by her fingers questing
exploration of my ear, or she said it too softly again. "Speak up Buffy, I 
can't hear you."

She's silent for a moment, intent only on her subtle explorations, then 
takes a deep breath and looks up at me. "I don't mind greedy."

I can't think of a reply to that, but it doesn't seem to matter. I lay my 
head on her chest, and hear her heart beat. I feel her arms wrap snugly 
around me, pulling me, if at all possible, closer, and suddenly I'm content. 
For the first time in two weeks I'm absolutely, one hundred percent 
content. Why? Well, I'm not really sure. Could be because we just aired 
all our doubts and fears, you know, got them out in the open. Someone once 
told me that fears get bigger if you keep them locked up, and now I know 
that it's true, because they don't seem so big anymore. Even though Buffy's 
is certainly serious, and not to
mention, a little scary...I know if we go to Giles things will be all right. 
Some how we'll find a way. I think she feels better having someone to 
talk to about them. The tension that was vibrating through her when she 
arrived, making her shoulder's all tense and wiry, has
begun to ease away. She's here...lying on my bed. Her heart beat is 
sounding a low and steady thump-thump under my ear. It feels so good to be 
in her arms again. So...right. I've found my place with her again...I think 
she has too, with me.

I lie there, listening to her breathe. In...out...in...out...in...out...it's 
soothing. Her hand slides up my back leaving tingles behind and her 
fingertips knead and massage the back of my neck. Oh, that feels good. I 
purr and snuggle closer. "I missed this." I say, and somehow my voice 
conveys every meaning. The closeness, the snugglies. I've missed it all. 
I feel a gentle kiss on my forehead, and then the tickling sensation of her 
finger running down my cheek, until it's under my chin, nudging me to look 
up at her.

"I missed this more." She whispers, her eyes intent on my face as she inches 
closer. I close my eyes, and wait for the kiss to happen, cause it's going 
to...any second now...she's not that far away...and 
yet...wait...when...mmmmm...heaven!

Did I just whimper? Cause, I think I just whimpered, but I can't help 
it...she feels so good...and it's been so long and...my parents are 
downstairs...I've got to be quiet...but, how can I be quiet when she's 
kissing my neck like that? Mmmmm. See? Just did it again!

Her hand has slipped inside my shirt, fingers gliding over my back, tickling 
up my spine...goddess that feels so...My eyes snap open. "Buffy." I 
whisper, I have to stop nibbling at her neck to speak and, darnit, I don't 
want to.

"Gnnn.." She replies, too interested in what she's doing to bother to make 
any sense. Gnnn? Gnnnn? What is Gnnnn anyway? Well, she sounds happy enough. 
Her hand sliding under my shirt certainly is proof of how happy she suddenly 
has become. And I'm happy too. Wow. Of course, I'd be happier still if 
she'd...Whoa! Hold it...PAUSE!! Parents. Damnit.
Why'd they have to be home for once? I want a happy!

My inner conflict prevents me from speaking, and not hearing an answer Buffy 
continues what she's doing. Which is good because I really don't want to 
stop...but bad because I know we have to. "Mmm, Buffy." I say again, 
desperately...her hand is starting to move higher...tickling along my 
sides...teasing toward the underside of my bra...and I'm losing
my will to stop her.

"Will?" She breathes into my ear. Whoa! Goosebumps!

"Ulp." I think I swallowed my tongue.

"You wanted to say something?" Buffy murmers, gently nursing on my earlobe. 
Tingles...lots and lots of...tingles.

I was? What was I going to say? "I...think...that is..uh.." Her tongue 
touches me behind my ear. Oh...goddess.."Nope, not a thing." I squeak, 
throwing caution to the wind. To heck with it.

"Good." Buffy murmurs, seizing my lips again. I'm lost...completely, 
wonderfully lost. Or is that found? Either way, my brain is way too fuzzy 
to decide. Our tongues battle each other, and I'm enraptured by the sweet 
taste of her, drinking in her groans of delight, as my fingers search out 
the soft, silky strands of her hair, my lifeline to reality as our kisses 
threaten to sweep me away. Oh how I've missed her...missed this so much. 
My heart is beating faster, I can feel it pounding in my chest as it's 
filled with the love she makes me feel.

"Let's never fight again." Buffy pleads breathlessly, through our kisses.

"Were we fighting?" I ask, equally as breathless, trying to remember the 
conflict she mentioned. It's becoming a faint and distant memory for me. 
She breaks off from the kiss. "Nnnnn.." I whimper at the loss of contact, 
but then she's looking at me so I rapidly search my memory. "Oh yeah." I 
grin sheepishly. "But you know...there's gotta be something said for the 
making up part."

"I love the making up part." She returns my grin rakishly and I feel my 
heart accelerate at the shear force of the passion in her gaze.

"Yeah...but...umm...Buffy..." I'm suddenly nervous of the look in her eyes, 
not to mention the ugly thought of my parents proximity and my fear of them 
catching us.

"Yeah, Will." She whispers, her eyes never leaving my face as her fingers 
begin to retrace their earlier path across my face. The touch is so light I 
barely feel it, and yet I know they are there, ghosting over my skin and 
leaving pleasant shivers in their wake.

"We...we can't...you know...cause of my parents...and the catching us 
thing...isn't exactly pleasant." I finally take my courage in my hands and 
spit it out, and I can't believe I actually said it. I prepare myself to 
accept the disappointment of defeat, not to mention
the loss of the warm and friendly snugglies, before I look at her face, 
expecting to see her eyes get all disappointed and her face start that 
adorable pout.

But she hasn't lost that rakish grin...if anything...gulp...it's gotten 
wider. "Aww, come on, Will...where's that adventurous spirit? It didn't 
stop you, did it?" She says, her fingers tracing a trail down my throat, 
causing me to gulp. And then her words hit me. What can
she...? Oh. I think I actually paled, cause she's chuckling at me, very 
seductively too I might add. She can't mean...during christmas...on the 
couch...with her mother..right in the
room. Oh boy...I'm in trouble.

"But...but that was different...I was getting you back...for the Bronze..." 
I splutter, knowing it won't do me any good. Buffy only chuckles harder at 
that.

"You know...you're very cute when you're flustered." She comments, her eyes 
flashing with glee. I can see she's having great fun with my embarrassment.

"Buffy..." Have I really resorted to whining? She attempts to look more 
serious, though I can still see her eyes shining brightly.

"Come on, Will. You know I'd never do anything you don't want." She 
whispers huskily, and I can feel myself pulling towards that voice, that 
tone. Who says I don't want this? "But you know...I'm really quiet...they'd 
never hear me." She's gone back to nibbling on
my neck...I think she's trying to seduce me...scratch that...I know she's 
trying to seduce me. And boy is it working.

"Well...you can maybe...but what about me? The last time I tried to keep 
quiet I bit my lip until it bled." Her face is amused, apparently 
remembering that little fling in the shower, of course, thinking about it 
doesn't really help my condition right now.

"Don't worry." Buffy grins, leaning into me. "If all else fails I'll just 
do this." Her hands are in my hair, pulling my head toward her as she takes 
control of my mouth again, her tongue probing deeply. Oh...I see where that 
could be...beneficial.

Goddess, is that ever beneficial! I'm moaning into her mouth, but I can't 
seem to control it. Being with Buffy makes me feel things I've never really 
felt before. I don't think I'm even conciously aware of it...it just seems 
to flow out of me...like my body has to sing praises
for the magic she does. A knock at my door pulls us both rapidly back from 
the brink. I see a flash of panic in her eyes, that must be matching mine, 
before I spring off of her and look nervously toward the door.

"Willow...are you all right...your mother thought she heard someone 
groaning." Oh Goddess! Not my dad! Not now!

"Umm..." Oh great, why does my brain have to pick now to freeze up?! I 
glance hurriedly around the room, searching for any plausible explanation, 
before my gaze rests briefly on the television set. I don't recall even 
turning it on tonight...but there it is, displaying a movie I don't think 
I've ever seen, and which I obviously haven't been
watching. "Uh...yeah...um...I'm just watching this old movie. It has a lot 
of violence...people shooting at each other and women screaming and 
stuff..." I don't have the foggiest idea if that's what had really been 
going on, but it looked like a safe bet.

"And the car chases...don't forget the car chases." Buffy whispers at me, 
grinning mischievously when my eyes widen in her direction and I shush her 
with a finger, a scowl on my face. "So...that's...probably what you heard." 
I finish lamely, hoping against all hope that he actually buys that. I 
can feel my father frowning at me through the door, but he's way too polite 
to just open it...something I'm extremely grateful for at the moment.

"Well, as long as you're all right." He responds, sounding doubtful to my 
own ears, or is that just my guilty conscience working overtime? "Just 
don't stay up too late. Your mother and I are going to bed. We'll see you 
in the morning."

"Oh...okay...I won't...night Dad." I almost can't believe my luck...I'm 
actually getting away with it. I can feel Buffy's body, shaking with 
laughter, against my leg, but I wait until I'm sure he's gone down the hall, 
before looking at her.

"We were almost so...busted." She whispers giggling helplessly, although 
thankfully silently.

I simply stare at her, caught between being angry that she's finding my near 
mortification at getting caught necking by my parents hillarious, and 
giggling in relief that I actually got away with it. I settle for tackling 
her. "So...you think that's funny do you?" I ask, my
best indignant look planted firmly on my face, while seeking out her 
ticklish spots mercilessly.

She defends herself admirably, but I know where all of her tickle spots are 
and just how to tickle them to get the best effect, so it isn't long before 
she's crying uncle. "Well...it isn't all bad." She says, as I relax on her 
chest once more, catching my breath.

"How so?" I ask, hoping she'll explain this one to me. I'm not finding the 
interruption of our love making nearly as funny as she is apparently.

"Well...at least we know where they are now...and they should be sleeping 
soon. So we won't have to worry about them catching us."

"Yeah...my heart is grateful for the near miss." I growl at her, and she 
grins.

"You should see the look on your face." She's giggling, her eyes flashing 
with merriment. "It's priceless." Oh yeah? She still thinks this is funny, 
does she? Well, I'll show her. I'll...I'll...mmm...awful hard to stay 
annoyed at her when she's kissing me like that. And, who said she can kiss 
me when I'm still...okay...so I have absolutely no intention of stopping 
her...not in this lifetime anyway.

I'm not sure we should pick up right where we left off, though...I 
mean...shouldn't we wait a few more minutes? Just to make sure my parents 
are asleep? Apparently Buffy doesn't think so. She's massaging my leg with 
her foot and her tongue...oooh, that tickles...is
doing really...really wonderful things inside my mouth. She sure knows how 
to scatter my thoughts to the four winds...especially with her hand rising 
slowly up my shirt...inching closer to my...eep! "Buffy!"

"Shhh...you have to be quiet...remember?" She breaks off from my mouth to 
whisper that in my ear and it sends warm tingles up and down my spine. 
"Oooh...but..." I can feel my back arching up into her touch...she's 
touching my...yep, that's my...and she's making those
little circles that drive me crazy. I think I'm starting to sweat...yes, 
it's way too hot in here.
Maybe if she...oh yeah...that's better...shirt was just getting in the way 
anyway...too constrictive.

What is she?...oh...oh wow...she couldn't do...that...with my shirt on. 
"Yes." I'm not sure why I said 'yes' I'm pretty sure I meant to say 
'no...slow down...wait' but it doesn't look like I'm in control of my mouth 
anymore. Then again...with her sucking...no, nibbling...oooh, 
teeth...well...I'm pretty sure thinking is going to become a non issue 
before very much longer.

Buffy growls when she's aroused...I'm not even sure if she's aware that she 
does it...they're not distracting...they're not even very loud...but I think 
they're incredibly sexy. She alternates between my breasts, like she has 
trouble deciding which one she likes the best,
so she just claims them both, and while she does that...she growls. Not 
that I have a problem with that...nosiree bob.

Her hands...goddess...her hands are all over me, but they're not harsh with 
her passion and that's what surprised me about being with Buffy at 
first...her gentleness. I mean, she's this great hero...this important 
Vampire Slayer...with the strength and speed to kill vampires,
and she can hold me in her arms so gently...rock me like a newborn until I 
fall asleep, or bring me to the greatest heights of passion all with the 
gentle stroke of a finger. She uses her strength to great advantage 
though...she never stops...never seems to tire...and when
she wants to undress me...she can do so effortlessly. So effortlessly, in 
fact, that I barely even realize it when the rest of our clothes fall into 
piles on the floor.

There's a time when we make love, when my thinking shuts down completely and 
all I can do is feel. Yes me...the great thinker...the one that thinks 
tirelessly. Seems the only thing that can get me to stop thinking is 
her...the feel of her undulating below me as we
converge our bodies together. She sweeps me away...so gently...and yet so 
passionately.

The softness of her skin, mixed with the odd contrast of the feel of her 
muscles excites me, the smell of her arousal and mine combine to create the 
most sensuous musk. She moves inside me and I forget how to 
breathe...forget how to speak...heck, I even...for a short while forget who 
I am. It's like I become her...or she becomes me...maybe...we just
become each other...or we become a part of each other...yeah...that's 
it...we join...we are one for one timeless moment.

And then...suddenly...it's past me and reality is creeping back into our 
moment as I hear my cries echoing inside Buffy's tightly clamped lips. 
She's engulfing the sounds, matching and muffling them with her own. I feel 
drained, suddenly weak all over...open to her...vulnerable, but Buffy is 
holding my still trembling body, so that's okay...Buffy's here, and she'll 
keep me warm...keep me safe.

"Shh...shh.." Buffy's murmuring in my ear, petting my hair back away from my 
forehead and I realize I'm whimpering. My trembling hasn't stopped, in fact 
it has increased into shakes. It seems like a weird reaction...the funny 
part is, I don't even know why.

"It's okay." She keeps murmuring in my ear. With one arm wrapped around 
me, rubbing soothingly up and down my back, she reaches for the covers, 
bringing them up around my shaking body, attempting to get me warm. I can 
feel tears around the corners of my eyes, leaking down my face, dripping 
onto her breast and I wonder why I'm crying. I mean,
Buffy's the one with the huge problem, so why am I the one bawling like a 
baby? Well...probably because I've always felt Buffy's pain as acutely as my 
own. But to start crying right after she brought me to such ecstasy? I 
feel like an idiot.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, wondering what she must be thinking. 'Rosenberg 
finally blew a gasket' most likely, except Buffy doesn't know what a gasket 
is and probably wouldn't use the word in a sentence even if she did.

"Shh...it's okay...I'm here." Buffy whispers again, kissing me on my 
forehead. The words don't help my inner disarray of emotions, but they do 
help to settle me. That and the feel of her arms wrapped snugly around me, 
her right hand massaging the base of my neck, while her left rubs my back in 
slow circles. Her touch anchors me to this time and place, lets me know 
that she really is here, that she hasn't left me...hasn't forsaken me.

"I...I don't know why I did that." I can hear the confusion in my 
voice...she must hear it too, cause she brushes her lips gently across my 
forehead in another soft kiss. I love it when she does that, makes me feel 
loved...cherished.

"It's okay, Will. It's perfectly natural." Her voice is low, a quiet 
confession between two lovers. She interlaces her fingers over my back, I 
don't move, just letting the warmth of those rough, powerful hands, seep 
into me, doing something they don't get to do enough.
Be loving.

"It is?" I can't ever remember crying after making love...not that I've 
been doing this for a long time...but still, I guess there really is a first 
time for everything.

"We were pretty emotional earlier. It's only natural...that it should come 
out...when we least expect it." Buffy grins ruefully at me, bathing me in 
her smile and it warms me from my tummy to my toes. Funny how she can make 
me feel better with just a grin. "Feel
better?" She asks me, still smiling that fuzzy jammies smile at me.

I pause a moment, examining my emotions and discover I do indeed feel 
better...if a little embarrassed. "Yeah...I do." I nod against her chest, 
feeling her breath hitch as my hair slides along her nipple. "I'm sorry 
I..."

"Hey, no more apologies." Buffy reprimands me softly. "It's okay...it 
happens...it's nothing to get embarrassed over." Now that I feel better, I 
notice she's still strumming slightly...and it occurs to me that she hasn't 
errr..umm..released yet, had her fun, been thrilled, pleasured, experienced 
my love touch, been sent to heaven, achieved nirvana, ascended to the mile 
high club...been the victim of 'Willow lovin'. Okay now I'm getting hokey.

"Buffy...are you still...?" I ask, and my tone of voice leaves no question 
to what I'm talking about. Her eyebrows rise on her face as my hands slide 
up her chest...just to be sure, of course...and she jumps unintentionally. 
I'm pretty sure I'm grinning in what Buffy
has fondly termed my 'wicked witch' look too.

"Oh yeah." She says quickly, and I can hear the pain of barely repressed 
desire in her voice.

"Oh!" I bolt upright, looking down into her smiling but slightly pained 
face. "Oh, Buffy...I'm so sor-" She breaks off my sentence with a kiss, 
her tongue swirling with mine before she pulls back to look at me, a mock 
sternful look on her face.

"What did I just say about that word." She scolds me, and I have the good 
grace to blush.

"I..." A pointing of a finger stops my words for a moment, before a cheeky 
grin covers my face. "...love you." Funny how those three words brighten 
up her face like a warm summer day and make her eyes go all shiny.

"I love you too." She whispers back to me, and I know those words come from 
some place deep inside her...some place very true. She rises up to meet me 
and our lips meet, once...twice...I can feel her heart beating...pounding 
really, beneath my fingers, her desire once hidden barely beneath the 
surface is rising to the top rapidly. "I need you, Will." She begs me and I 
can feel myself responding to her need.

"I need you too." I assure her, my hands sliding down over her chest, 
playing with the soft slopes of her breasts. Not teasingly, I know her like 
I know the back of my hand, and I know teasing is not what she needs. She's 
about ready to burst...she needs confident...sure
touching now. "Never leave me, Buffy." I plead, twisting her nipples with 
my fingers.

"Never." She vows with a groan, bringing my lips to hers in a searing kiss. 
My hand inches between our bodies and she bathes me in her warm fluids, my 
fingers find their place unerringly and she arches into them, taking them 
into her deeply. "God Will." I can tell it won't be long...she's too 
excited by making love to me to be able to stand much
more. Buffy's panting now, clutching on to me tightly. Good thing she 
knows her own strength or I'd be pulverized every time she climaxes. I can 
feel her inner muscles clinging tightly to my fingers, her head is thrown 
back her neck arching gracefully with the sensations and her lips reveal the 
slightest of whispers.


"More." She gasps, "Please more, slow...slow..but more."

I hook my free hand around her waist, not breaking the pattern of motion I'm 
doing with the other. Pulling her tighter against me, I duck my head down 
and gently take her left breast between my teeth, nipping and sucking at her 
nipple as my fingers work gently in and out of her. Wrapping my arm around 
her waist even tighter, I use the fingers of my
free hand to apply gentle pressure just above her very swollen clitoris. I 
remember how she touched me mere moments...minutes before, the exquisite joy 
and pleasure her fingers gave me, and I relish in returning the favor.

"Gnnnnaaah..." She agrees! I increase my efforts, pushing harder, moving 
faster, nipping tighter and she writhes with every touch.

She opens her eyes to look at me, and I'm lost in the deep blue of 
them...the blue that convey so much love and desire, and then she arches 
again, rising up on my fingers before gently impaling herself...whimpering 
at the sensation.

I move up and kiss her cheek, she's too busy panting to actually kiss.

"Yes." I encourage her. "Yes, my baby. Yes." My whispering soft and 
quiet. I feel so sexy, she feels so sexy, god I love her. I love this. I 
love her.

"Yes...let it go." I whisper and nip at her earlobe.

And then she does...with barely a groan. She tightens around my fingers, 
squeezing them almost painfully tight. Her hands wrap around my shoulders, 
holding me against her tightly, her muscles tremble with repressed energy as 
her hips thrust automatically, beyond any control, sense or whim, just 
pushing and wanting and wanting and pushing. Her lips open and flutter shut, 
I can see her clenching her teeth in her effort to keep silent. She almost 
makes it. A slight whine, in the back of her throat slips past her despite 
all the effort.

"Wiiillllooooowww....." She keens against me. Burying her head against my 
neck and sobbing. It's like a mirror of my earlier reaction. What causes 
it? Joy? Relief? I don't know, nor do I care, really. It's enough to know 
that I love her and she loves me. It's all good.

Collapsing in a jumble of arms and legs, we hold together tightly, neither 
of us wanting or willing, I think, to let go. I can feel her breaths coming 
out in harsh gasps against my neck, still trying to regain the breath so 
recently stolen from her during climax. I murmur a
litany of 'I love you's' in her ear, and feel her brush breathless kisses on 
my face in response. It feels so good just to hold her like this, to feel 
her wrapped securely around me, her legs still curled around my thighs, our 
pelvises still clingling together wetly, our
arms still holding and supporting each other.

We came so close to letting our own blind insecurities and fears destroy us. 
I vow never to let that happen again. Buffy is my lover, the person I 
hold most dear in this world, and the best friend I've ever had. I don't 
know what I would do without her...and I don't intend
to ever find out.

As her breathing quiets into a more steady rate, I realize she's gone all 
quiet. For a moment, I wonder if she's sleeping...which wouldn't be a bad 
thing...I certainly don't want her to leave, and wouldn't mind sleeping in 
her arms all night. My parents, on the other hand, would certainly wonder 
why I was having an impromptu sleepover party if she's still here in the 
morning.

"Will..." She speaks, startling me out of my reverie, and I realize, 
belatedly, that she's still awake. She's just been being really, really 
quiet. Her hand moves languidly through my hair, scratching at my scalp and 
lingering tendrils of pleasure seep mellowly into my blood
stream, eliciting a passive groan.

"Buffy...?" My voice sounds husky, and I realize the calm quiet has been 
putting me into a pleasant daze, sending me closer to dreaming myself.

"I still don't know what I'm going to do about Faith." She murmurs quietly, 
a note of regret and remorse lingering in her tone. The tone pulls me 
hesitently, regretfully out of my warm, safe zone, and I feel bad because I 
want to be there for her, I want to know the answers to tell her...but I 
just don't.

I look up into her eyes, seeing the worry deep within them, and hunt for any 
possible answer that will chase the look away. I can think of only one 
reply, and hope that it's enough. "I don't either, Buffy. 
But...tomorrow...we'll go to Giles. He'll know what to do." I put on my 
best self-assured look and hope that she buys it. I don't know if she does 
or not, but she pulls me down onto her chest once more, snuggling into my 
hair.

"You're right, Will." She breathes, sounding sleepy as my eyes drift shut. 
"Giles will know what to do."

*****

I can still hear them...still hear the noise ringing in my ears. Damn 
her...damn them both. Damn this Slayer hearing. I can't believe it. I 
don't know what I expected when I followed B here. I mean, at first, I 
didn't even know she was coming here. I thought that I could stop 
her...that maybe we could talk. I know she's been upset 
about...well...about what I did in that alley. She's been avoiding me ever 
since it happened. Miss goodie two shoes can't get over it, even if the 
jerk did earn what he got. I mean he wasn't exactly the
squeeky clean type. I don't get what the big deal is. I mean, so I killed 
a human...so what? It's not like he didn't deserve it. And to think...for 
a while I actually thought she was fun...maybe even a little cool. I mean, 
she was starting to come around to my way of
thinking. I thought she was even starting to...to feel for me the way that 
I...she sure had me fooled.

But no, now she's acting like this is all my fault...maybe seeing that 
sucker gutted was too much for her to handle. I should have known she'd run 
off to Red. That she'd be crying on her shoulder instead of crying on mine. 
Those two are so tight with each other they should be twins. I should have 
known something was odd with them. They're just
too...giggly around each other. But I figured that's just what best 
friends do. How would I know? It's not like I've ever had one before. 
They sure had me fooled. I certainly didn't expect to find them boffing each 
other's brains out...who knew they had it in 'em. I sure didn't...there's a 
surprise for me. Miss goodie two shoes getting it on with her best 
friend...The bitch. Both of them, bitches.'

So they're going to go off to their friendly, neighborhood 'Watcher' are 
they? Tell him all about how big, nasty Faith killed the poor, innocent 
'wittle' human? Yeah, right B. Not if I get there first.


_________________________________________________________________
Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp