Re: FF: Finding Her Way Home: Chapter One

[Kris <krismpy@xxxxxxxxx>]

In keeping with the topic of more constructive
criticism, please don't be offended by any of
this. Besides, more in-depth FB may help my
writing as well. :)
----------------------------------------------

Wow, triplets? That could make for some
interesting situations if Buffy or someone
mistakes one of the others for Willow. LOL

Great first chapter. I liked Willow's inner
turmoil about everything. Changing her mind when
she got to their door seems like something she'd
do.

I'll admit, the first time I read the chapter,
the first part--Willow's discovery of her real
family that is, seemed a bit fast and hard to
follow at times; though when I read back through
the second time it didn't seem so bad, but of
course I knew everything the second time through.
My attention may have been divided the first
time through, too.

I hope you don't mind that I picked out some
misspelled words and minor punctuation stuff. 
It's not much, though. I'll paste all that
below.

All in all, I like the storyline and am loving
all the angst. :) Can't wait to see how Buffy
reacts.

Kris

--- Aeris Jade Orion <aerisjade@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
wrote:
> 
> 
> Title: Finding Her Way Home 
> Chapter: One/? 


> " Oh." She swallowed back the urge to run,
> grateful once more for Dawn's forcibly
> presence. " Am I 
> Denise?"

I'm not entirely sure about this one, but it
seems to me that 'forcibly' should be something
different. I'd have to look it up for sure, but
I'm too lazy at the moment. :) Forcible - maybe?

> She glared at her sister coldly, " She was
> trying to tell you last night, but somebody was
> to busy kicking 
> her out." 
> 
Just a typo - 'to' busy should be 'too' busy

>I can teach you how to ride, and we 
> can go swimming in the lake, and we can explore
> the surrounding forests, and Drew's looking
> forward to 
> teaching you kick boxing, and Morgan and Elle
> has always wanted another sister to play pranks
> on...." 
> 
I think the word 'has' should be 'have'

> Willow nervously looked around trying to
> figure out what to tell them. She couldn't tell
> them the truth. 
> They'd put her in the looney bin if she told
> them that she'd had to learn when her best
> friends vampire 
> boyfriend lost his soul and killed her teacher
> who was a rom gypsy. 
> 
I'm just wondering about the rom gypsy? That may
be correct, I'm just not sure what it means. And
I believe the word 'friends' should have an
apostrophe.

Again, hope some of this helps.
Kris

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Buy the perfect holiday gifts at Yahoo! Shopping.
http://shopping.yahoo.com