Snippet: For No Good Reason

["buffythebushkangaroo" <buffythebushkangaroo@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

"What's that?" Buffy asked, her curiosity aroused.
"This," said Willow who was simply aroused, "is Inanna's crystal!"
Buffy nodded. "Won't she be pissed that you stole it?"
"Its three thousand years old," Willow pointed out.
Buffy stared at her. "The question still stands," she said. "I 
don't want some ancient mummy tracking us down."
Willow giggled. "Not unless she's got a lot of experience to pass 
on."
"Ew," Buffy commented. "Mummy hands."
"They would be kinda rough," Willow agreed. "Anyway, shall we?"
Buffy looked at the crystal shard. "So, how does this work?"
"How do you think?" Willow passed the shard over for Buffy's 
inspection.
Buffy gave it some Slayer hand motion before Willow explained it to 
her. Her eyes opened wide. "Oh!"

*

Spike sat on the edge of a tomb staring at the ground. Interesting 
stuff, dirt, he mused as he got more and more drunk. 'Cos of all the 
wossname. Undul... undu... movement.
A hand burst forth from the ground, followed shortly (and to 
Spike's relief) by the rest of an individual.
"I live... again!" she cried.
"Whatever," Spike muttered.
The mummy gave him the evil eye. "Who are you? What... are you?" 
she asked.
"I'm Sp...ike," He managed. "And I'm bloody drunk."
The mummy nodded. "You will be my servant on this mortal plane."
"Why?" Spike asked. The mummy seemed taken aback by the question.
"Because I will recompense you for your efforts with immortality?" 
she tried.
Spike shook his head. "Bugger that. S'wossname. Not all its 
c...racked up to be."
"Because I will give you riches beyond the dreams of avarice?"
Spike blinked. A thought came. "Got any pussy?" he asked.

*

"That was it?" Buffy asked and stared bemused at Willow.
Willow stared back. "Well, what were you expecting?"
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. Something, anything! Pleasures 
undreamed of. Maybe a warm glow. A tingle. Something! It didn't do 
anything!"
Willow bridled. "Yes it did! It turned pink! See?"
"Oh yeah," Buffy stared at the pink crystal. "Well, that was worth 
waiting for."
Willow sniffled. "I'm still pretty new at all this, you know. It 
was Tara who knew all the really good..." she broke off. Talking 
about her past relationships seemed to upset Buffy, whose past 
relationships were even more of a joke.
"Tell you what," said Buffy, "let's go to the graveyard and have 
ourselves a party."
Willow smiled. "Yes, because we all know that a graveyard in 
Sunnydale is where its all happening."
Buffy nodded. "Exactly!"
"I was being ironically mendacious," Willow pined.
"That too!" Buffy agreed.

*

"So, what's the first order of business?" Spike asked, now sober and 
increasingly chipper. Okay, he still couldn't eat people, but 
consorting with the other big bads who wandered by gave him a bit of 
a happy.
"Well, its been three thousand years since I last got some," the 
mummy admitted. "And you look quite the charmer. Gimme some tongue!"
Spike weighed up his options. "Yeah... Okay!" He started unwinding 
bandages until the mummy woman stood before him in all her glory. She 
looked just like Buffy, except for a crescent-shaped birthmark on her 
right buttock.
"Hey," Spike said. "Aren't you quite the princess!"
The demummified woman threw him a sharp look. "Well, what were you 
expecting?"
"Dunno. The movies just totally lied to me." He led her over to his 
bed.
The woman looked it over. "You... sleep in this?" she asked, 
staring at the cold stone tomb.
Spike nodded. "Hey, you can't fall out. That's my definition of 
safe sex."
The woman smiled, the smile of a cobra. "Nothing about me is safe," 
she purred. She ran her tongue over Spike's cheek. "I'm drawn to your 
sinister badness," she said. "And those washboard abs..."
"Eek," Spike wigged.

*

Buffy wandered into Spike's crypt and bumped into herself. Albeit a 
self that was naked and still covered in drool and blond hairs. 
Willow followed her in, and couldn't tell which of them began 
screaming first.
"I'll kill him!" Buffy raged. "I'll..."
"You will be my avatar on this, the mortal plane." The woman said.
Buffy fell to her knees. "Yes mistress," she answered docilely.
The woman turned to Willow. "And you..." Willow dropped to her 
knees equally rapidly. "You will help her in any way she needs it," 
she added.
"I will, O radiant one." Willow responded in a penitent way.
Spike sauntered in, strutting and preening. "Hey!" he said when he 
saw Buffy, jumping backwards. Then, "What did you do to her?"
"I have clouded her mortal mind," the woman replied. "Now she will 
be subservient to my whims and needs."
"Cool," Spike said, as he waved his hand in front of Buffy. "Way 
cool." He paused. Then, "Hey, can I play too?"

*

End Snippet.