FIC: Never To Be Found

[jeepy91@xxxxxxx]

Well I was trying for a while to write something like this and I never got a 
chance to sit down and just try. But last week I ended up getting a break 
from my class load and this is what was spawned.

It's more of a snippet than not, and I'm not totally happy with it, but I 
thought I'd put it out there anyway.

Be gentle lol

Hopefully it will turn out ok, it seems everytime I send my fics to the list 
they get coded wrong or something :(

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Author:Casandra
Email: rozwellrulz@xxxxxxx 
Disclaimer: I of course own nothing here. It all belongs to that evil 
mastermind Joss, Mutant Enemy, Fox, yada yada yada
Rating: PG-13. Nothing graphic in here I can’t seem to get anywhereremotely 
naughty LOL
Pairing: Buffy/Willow of course.
Summary: Spun from ‘Wild At Heart’. What if Riley hadn’t been there to save 
Willow? Willow’s POV
Feedback: Anything you’d like to send my way would be very much appreciated.
Distribution: You want it, feel free to take it. Just make sure to give me 
credit for it. And also maybe drop me a line to where I can find it?
Warning: If the idea of two consenting adult woman involved in a romantic 
relationship bothers you, run, run fast, far, far away from this fic.
Author’s Note: Well I’ve been tossing this idea around for a while. But due 
to my class load I haven’t had any time to sit down and try and write it. And 
I really didn’t have that much time when I did write this, so it’s basically 
just a snippet. And personally I don’t think it came out all that well, one 
of my lesser attempts at fic I think. Which probably isn’t saying much, lol, 
but anyway, enough with the Casandra pity party. All told from Willow’s POV. 
This is the first time I’m trying Will’s POV, the last three POV pieces I 
wrote were from Buffy’s perspective.
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Betrayal. I think it’s probably the most cutting emotion a person can feel. 
Because being betrayed combines the most powerful emotions together into one 
deep despairing feeling. Pain, anger, hurt, jealousy, confusion, fear, 
hopelessness. I’m feeling them all at the exact same time, and it’s so 
unimaginably awful. I never in my darkest nightmares would have imagined that 
I would be experiencing these feelings at the hands of my, who I thought was 
loving, boyfriend. Sure I had felt quite a bit of the green eyed monster 
syndrome when I saw Veruca checking Oz out at the Bronze a few weeks back. 
But I also felt secure in the fact that Oz loved me, wanted me. And if I had 
any doubts Buffy had chased them far, far away from me. She insisted that Oz 
loved me, it didn’t matter if he checked out other woman. The way she smiled 
so reassuringly left me no choice but to believe her. But then again I’ve 
always trusted and believed her, even when everybody else questioned her 
motives and actions. I’ve had a tendency to follow her blindly overthe last 
4 years, but I’ve never regretted it. I’ve trusted her judgment, her 
strength, her courage, and I even think her love, to know that no matter 
what, I was safe with her. As long as Buffy is around I feel safe, protected 
and loved.

But Buffy’s not here now, and even if she was I have to wonder if she could 
work her magic on me. I feel so hopeless and I don’t even know if she could 
save me this time, save me from my own hurt and confusion. But she would sure 
give it one hell of a try, the way she does everything, I know that with 
absolute certainty. Despite the fact that I just caught my boyfriend 
literally with his pants down cheating on me, all I can seem to think about 
is having Buffy wrap her strong arms around me, comforting me and holding me. 
I know she loves me, in fact it kinda shocked me when she said it last May 
after I told her I was staying in Sunnydale. I honestly don’t know why I 
didn’t say it back, because I love her so much sometimes it hurts. Maybe I 
was scared, maybe I was confused. But her friendship, that love, means the 
world to me, and I think I was afraid that she would see past the words and 
realize just how deeply I do love her. And I know she didn’t mean it the way 
I feel it, there’s no possible way, Angel. I know Oz and I didn’t even have 
anything close to what Angel and Buffy shared, not to mention the fact that 
the whole time with Oz he never had my whole heart, part of it will forever 
belong to Buffy. So instead of on the off chance that she would read too far 
into my words I didn’t say anything, the only thing I did was lightly laugh a 
little. And it’s been haunting me ever since, because I can’t help but feel 
I hurt her a bit with my silence. But I know she loves me, and right now all 
I want is to feel loved.

I remember holding Buffy when Angel broke up with her before the Prom. I can 
remember the feel of her quaking in my lap , her tears soaking through the 
cloth of my pant leg. It was probably one of the most awful days of my life. 
My best friend, the person I feel the safest with, the person I trust 
implicitly, and god help me, the person I love the most, was completely and 
totally lost. The only thing I could do was be there for her, hold her, and 
try my best to chase even a few of her tears away. She fell asleep with her 
head curled in my lap, and since I would have physically hurt anyone who 
tried to disturb her, I ended up spending the night in her room, wiping away 
her salty wet tears and rubbing her head soothingly. The next morning she 
woke up and gently lifted herself out of my lap and leaned in and kissed my 
cheek gently. Then she quietly said thank you. And as much as I hate the idea 
of putting her in any kind of pain, all I want is for her to do the same 
thing for me now. I know how much seeing her like that killed me, but I can’t 
help but feel a little bit selfish now. I want Buffy to hold me, cradle me, 
tell me everything will be alright, because I’ll believe anything and 
everything she tells me. I need my best friend, I need to feel safe, I need 
to feel her love wrap around me in warm waves. I need her to protect me from 
this awful betrayal. Simply put, I need Buffy.

I’m so caught up in my thoughts and hurt that I honestly don’t have any idea 
where I am. I can feel my feet sliding across the pavement, my hair rustling 
in the slight breeze of the November morning. I can feel myself step down, 
wishing for the hundredth time today that Buffy was here with me.

“Willow!”

I hear her voice and look up. She looks absolutely petrified, and I realize 
that her voice sounded just as scared when she screamed my name. She’s 
rushing towards me at a frantic pace, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her move 
as quickly as she is now. Then I hear it, a shrill loud noise coming from 
almost directly beside me. I cast my head to the side to see a silver sports 
car bearing down on me, not slowing in it’s approach. So I guess that step 
down was off the curb, because I find myself standing in the middle of the 
street in front of the Espresso Pump. I turn back around to find Buffy still 
barreling towards me. I seem to be frozen in place, part of me sees the 
speeding car inching closer and closer. The other part sees Buffy, my 
protector, rushing to save the day, or me as the case may be this time. I 
actually take control of my faculties finally and go to jump out of the way 
just as I feel something launch me into the air out of the path of the 
speeding car. I know it’s not something though, rather it’ssomeone, my best 
friend.

I pick myself up from the hard concrete of the sidewalk and hurriedly glance 
around for my savior. I want to wrap her up in a big hug and thank her, butI 
can’t seem to find her, she’s not on the sidewalk with me. I spin around to 
the crowd that seems to be gathering in the middle of the street where I was 
just standing. No! Goddess No! I have this overwhelming feeling of dread fill 
the pit of my stomach. I rush over, breaking through the hoard of people that 
have gathered. There she is, lying curled up in a heap in the middle of the 
street.

“ God no!” I fall to my knees at her side, becoming aware that there is a 
fine stream of blood coming out of her mouth and nose. I gently reach out and 
stroke her cheek, trying to see if she’s conscious or not. “Buffy? Buffy, 
can you hear me?”

“W………Will?” She gently cants her head slightly to try and find me. I don’t 
think I’ve ever heard her voice sound so weak. I lay myself down next to her 
so she stops trying to strain herself to see me.

“I’m right here Buffy. I’m right here. Just don’t move ok, help will be 
here soon.” I knew I wasn’t lying because I can hear through all the 
commotion the sound of sirens off in the distance.

“You…… ok …W…Will?” Oh god,here she is lying in the middle of the street 
bleeding and she’s worried about me! And I’m the reason she’s lying here to 
begin with!

“I’m fine Buffy. I’m just fine, thanks to you. You saved me Buffy, thank 
you.” I gently lean down and kiss her cheek, mirroring her actions from that 
previous May. I feel her smile under my lips.

“You’re……..wel……..welcome. I couldn’t l…………….let anything hap……happen 
to you, now cou…could I?” She reached up, her hand shaking violently, to 
cover her own palm over my hand that is still resting against her cheek.

“Buff, shhh, just take it easy. Don’t try to talk, the paramedics will be 
here soon.” I was whispering in her ear, trying to make my voice sound as 
soothing as possible. But the fear that is filling my heart is starting to 
become overwhelming. I feel like she’s slipping away from me.

“No time……………..it hu…hurts so much W…Will.”

“No Buffy, come on! You gotta hang on just a little longer, please!” The 
hell with soothing, I’m scared out of my mind now. She’s giving up!

“Not gonna…..not gonna be in time.” She finds strength somewhere deep inside 
herself and pulls me closer to her. “Please look out for Mom 
and…..eve….everyone. Can….can you do that for me…..Will?”

“Of course I will Buffy, but I won’t have to, you’re going to be fine! 
Goddess you have to be!” My tears are starting to blind me, stinging my 
emerald eyes painfully as I pulled myself as close as possible to Buffy. I 
rested our foreheads together, her breath getting more and more shallow with 
each passing moment. “Please hang on Buffy!”

She pulls away from me a little and then I feel her lips upon mine in the 
softest kiss I have ever experienced. I’m beyond thrilled and paralyzed with 
fear all at the same time. For almost four years I’ve dreamt of what it would 
be like to kiss her. Before Oz it was always her. Even when I was with him I 
couldn’t help but hope that it was just a matter of time before Buffy 
realized she felt the same way. So now that she’s finally here, finally 
kissing me like I’ve always wanted I should be ecstatic. But her lips aren’t 
warm like they should be, and I know I’m about to lose her.

“I love…..love you Willow. I….. I always have…………..I’m so sorry…that I 
wa..waited so long to te……tell you……Now it’s too late” God, she’s saying 
goodbye! No! I won’t let her go, not now, not like this.

“I love you too Buffy, always. But don’t you dare give up on me! It’s not 
too late, it can’t be, I won’t let it be!”

“I love you, don’t…………….don’t ever forget th……that. Be happy Will, if Oz 
ever h……..hurts you I’ll come back a………and haunt him.” She tried to laugh 
but it only caused her to cough up a mouthful of blood.

“No! Don’t you dare leave me, I don’t want Oz, all I want is you! You can’t 
go, God please Buffy, don’t leave!”

She leaned up with amazing strength and again just ever so lightly brushed 
her lips against mine. “I’m sorry Willow.” And thenher entire body went 
limp in my arms. And in the second her lips fell away from mine I felt like 
half of me had died with her.

“Buffy? Buffy! No, no, no, no, no. Goddess no! Don’t go, please don’t go! 
Come back Buffy, come back to me! Please don’t leave me!” Icried, I 
screamed, I wailed, I sobbed.

Then the ambulance pulled up. I didn’t care, there were too late, Ican feel 
it, she’s gone, and she took part of me with her. Half of me is completely 
lost, and the only person who could find me is gone. Who’s going tosave me 
now?

End

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