End of the Month State of the Gutter and Wodds Outback Report for January 2001

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads, The United Vegetable Empire; and all other
interested parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
January 2001.

:: Furry little beast steps up to podium wearing beat up leather combat
jacket and Pilot's cap :: Troops! We stand at the crossroads of destiny...
Er, wait wrong address. :: Frowns at stack of papers in front of her
flipping through them until she finds the proper address :: Ahhh - here
were are, the End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report
for January - bet you guys thought I wouldn't find out where it was hidden
did you??? :: Gives certain unnamed Woods Outback dwellers a hard
meaningful look :: Now down to business... to recap what has been going on
around here over the last month and just why the end of the month report got
mysteriously "misplaced".

Item 1:
The Silver-tongued Wolf reports that someone has flat-out stolen his
torturer rack and he wants it back! Guys we've had this talk too... Quin is
the only one that is authorized to conduct wet noodle tortures and ALL OTHER
tortures falls under the control of one Trizdel Wolf - Chief Gutter and
Woods Outback Interrogator! Now I know there is A LOT of disgruntled
people in the Gutter Proper and Woods Outback UPSET over certain story
arches... however you cannot take matters into your own hands. We have
rules and regulations in the Gutter concerning such matters - and it is just
plain rude and inconsiderate not to include Quin and Trizdel in any actual
tortures and/or exorcisms of demonic spirits that seem to have possessed the
writing staff of BtVS.

Item 1 add-on:
Trizdel Wolf has issued this statement concerning his stolen rack: "The
rack is used for torturing not back popping - please return it." Quin is
currently taking an emergency count of the wet noodle launchers to ensure
none of them have walked off on their own as certain unnamed panicky Woods
Outback dwellers have been known to claim.

Item 2:
Tater will you please come and get the pickled cumbers that are currently
dancing around what appears to be a large carrot tied to a stake in the
middle of the town square in Sunnydale Proper - they are beginning to freak
out the normally clueless residents. Also the vampire fruit bat community
have issued a statement that reads in part: "The first pickled cumber that
tries to convert them to the Church of the Radish is going to be sacrificed
to the nearest Veg-O-Matic." The Vampire Fruit Bats want no part in
strange vegetable religious cults - they are only interested in carrying on
their centuries old war with the Vampire Tomatoes.

Item 3:
The Northside Gutter Boogie Board Squad has announced their plans to take
over the Winter Olympics claiming the need to: "Take the Boogie Boards down
the side of a snow covered mountain in the name of the Koala." In relating
news the Koala's place on the Boogie Board Squad has been temporarily taken
over by the Archangel, a.k.a. Shyfox, who has issued the statement: "It is
an honour to race the Koala's prized boogie board in the upcoming Winter
Olympics and I will return with the gold - or in the very least 'liberate'
one for the Koala."

Item 3 add-on :
Shyfox has also issued a statement claiming she doesn't know how the Koala's
boogie board got painted its current air bushed theme of the Chosen One and
her Hacker holding a little bundle of joy, known as "Little Bit", and is
quiet distressed over the whole thing. She did promise to return the boogie
board to him in its found state - bright pink and yellow with an airbrushed
theme of a flaming skull and the caption "Mister Pointy Rulez!". Shy being
the Archangel of her word is now looking for a replacement board for the
Koala and will have it painted to his satisfaction - claiming the repainted
board for her own. It's a very complicated and confusing story, which will
hopefully have a happy ending. The Koala will have a new boogie board and
Shy will have one too.

Item 4:
The return of the Koala! We have a month folks to plan the month-long
Return of the Koala to the Gutter and Woods Outback Block Party that will be
held for all of March... providing the evil adults don't extend his enforced
"holiday" in the wilds of who knows where. Security is hard at work in
preparation of a hyper, energetic and - quite possibly - bored out of his
mind from having to act all "adult"-like for such a long period of time,
Koala who will in all likelihood set new presidencies in Gutter mayhem.
Prayers for the soon to be overworked Quin and his staff are welcome as well
as donations for the Koala's bail money - he has not been able to get kicked
out of any of the local bars in ever so long, so its going to be interesting
for all of us.

Item 5:
Rumours about one Amy the former-rat assaulting one Xander Harris of
Sunnydale Proper are true. Apparently Amy took offence to his "Cagney
Impersonation" particularly the line: "Oh.. you dirty rat." Signed
autographed copies of the videotape of the assault are on sale in the Office
of Gutter Relations as part of the fund drive for the Koala's bail money.

Item 6:
There are rumours circulating of a Rodrigo-like apparition sighted in the
outer rim of the Gutter... at the moment the reports are being investigated.
Could this be the long awaited return of our beloved and quite mad
listdad... at last? Or is it just another hopeful report by those who miss
his presence or in the very least his grumbling about American European
football {that would be 'soccer' for you crazy Americans on the list}
players being a hell of a lot better then Brazilian ones.

That is all we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.

Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma.
Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn.
Founding Member of the Get Willow and Buffy Naked Society. {GWBNS - Hey, its
a way of life!} Dark MIstress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin.
Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw
of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker
Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

AIM screen name: ShadowDrake
Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow
MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}
ICQ Number: 120681217