FIC: Still Struggling (2/7) PG13-ish

[Red Willow <st8sboroblues@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Still Struggling
Author: Red Willow
Email: St8sboroblues@xxxxxxxxx or nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx
Disclaimer: All characters and references to belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and all them
other folks <G> I'm just using them to make my own little fun. However the 
story belongs to me only. You may post or distribute only with permission from and credit to me. 
So just ask <G> And if you don't like the idea of Willow and Buffy together 
then... why are you reading this?
Rating: PG-R (as it might progress from one to the other)
Pairing: Willow/Buffy
Summary: Buffy struggles over her feelings for Willow and stumbles upon 
something interesting... 
This is part 2 in a 7 part series Thoughts will be expressed in < and >
brackets... This covers some info from Seasons 2-4 


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I?m reeling.
How the hell is Willow into girls? When the hell did this happen and why 
didn?t I get the memo? 
And she?s into some girl I just met and don?t know the first thing about. <It?s 
not like you?ve
been there for her dufus> But, but I couldn?t, I-?

My heart is racing and I?m trembling all over. She just told me about Tara 
and, and.... I have
been burying these feelings for years now and have been so ashamed of myself. 
I?ve been neglecting
my best friend when she needed me the most because I was scared I?d make a move 
and? and now this?
<sit down and take a minute>
So I sit on the edge of my bed staring in shock at the wall across from me. How 
did this happen? 
She?s supposed to like boys. <by what law? you like both> I don?t want to 
talk about me. I can?t
believe what?s happening here. This is not supposed to happen. <you say that a 
lot these days>

Once again I?ve lost. Just like I lost Angel. <you have Riley> that same 
familiar voice taunts
me. Oh. Him. I roll my eyes and stand up. I pace between Will?s bed and 
mine. I don?t love
Riley. I don?t even like him that much. He?s like ?oh hi I?m mister military 
initiative guy and
I?ve tagged 17..? Big Deal. <but you?re sleeping with him> <Oh shut up 
already!> Will is the
one I want. The only one I want. I sleep with Riley so I don?t think about 
her. I run my hands
through my hair and close my eyes thinking about her as always because she 
never escapes me even
with Riley. She is a part of me even if she doesn?t know it. I sit down on 
her bed, picking up
her pillow and holding it to my face. I inhale deeply, shuddering at that 
familiar Willow scent.
She means everything to me. I need her so bad. I?m so unbearably in love with 
her that I
literally ache with want for her. I miss her and I need her and I?m the one 
that drove her away. 
<she didn?t leave> Not yet. But she will. I?ve been the worst friend to her 
since Oz left and
now I?m going to lose her forever. <then tell her already>

Talk? Talk about feelings? Tell her how I?m feeling? About her? I shake my 
head in a definite
no response and lay back on her bed. <then you will lose her and you know it> 
How did I go from a
fear of losing her if I told her how I felt, to a fear of losing her if I 
didn?t tell her? <things
constantly change buffy> Then I?ll write her a letter. I?ll just tell her 
that I love her and
always have and want that sexy little body of hers?.<that?ll sound real good>. 
Okay. Okay. You
see why this is so hard don?t you? My feelings are perfectly clear and 
overwhelming in my heart?
but in translation, they seem to lose all meaning and value. I sigh heavily, 
inhaling Willow
scent again, and decide that I at least need to try. I?ll leave it on her 
computer, she?s sure to
find it then.

I get off of the bed and head on over to Will?s computer. I glance at the 
clock. She said she?d
be back at 3:00 and it?s about 2:20 now. I hope that?s enough time. <all you 
have to do is tell
her you love her?. HOW you love her> Her computer is on, though the screen is 
black. I tap the
keyboard as I slide into the desk chair. There is a folder open and I simply 
collapse the title
bar to find her word program. But her word program is already running however, 
and what I see
there shocks the hell out of me. 
<do you see what I see?> uh huh.

++++
I woke with a start realizing that I had dreamt about her again. My shirt is 
damp from my sweat
and there is a familiar throbbing between my legs. I threw my arm up over my 
head and sighed
heavily before turning over to face her. She is so beautiful, especially in 
sleep when she is the
least troubled. The early morning sun stretched its warmth across her bed 
highlighting her
features and a smile traced across my lips briefly before I groaned at the 
nagging tension in my?
I still can?t think about this? I closed my eyes and held them shut thinking of 
anything but the
rising raw need to be with her. To hold her and touch her deep inside while 
kissing soft moans
into her mouth? OH God Oh Goddess, did I just write that?? The tension is 
stretching me in half
but I feel like I can?t move. I want to touch her, to run my fingers lightly 
over her stomach, to
lean down and kiss her pouty pink lips, and run my fingers through that soft 
blonde hair of hers..
I?m so scared. I?m so weak with desire and passion and something? something 
else all too powerful
that I fear I?ll actually do it.

What a wonderful way to start the day huh? She is everything and more to me 
and she doesn?t even
know it. I can?t leave. I am literally stuck in my tracks and in total awe of 
her. This is the
only time I can watch her so closely. I cannot be caught off guard with her 
awake. She reads me
too well. She?d know I was checking her out. I can?t help my feelings. I try 
to push them down
far out of reach but they continue to plague me, and have so since we first 
met. I?m addicted now
and how could I resist? She was actually nice to me. Hell, she saved my life. 
She saves my life
over and over and the only things I know I want to do are to kiss her and hold 
her tight her body against my own. She
floods my thoughts. When I?m scared I call out to her. When I?m happy I share 
it with her. When
I?m sad she comforts me and I comfort her?I guess you know where I?m headed 
with this?. best to
leave it alone.

Tara?s great. I really love hanging out with her and doing the witch thing. 
She?s so sweet and
powerful too. We could do so much together? I like being with her, I like 
having her as just mine,
and the smoochies are great. But, the feelings aren?t the same. Not by a long 
shot. There is
this burning passion in me for Buffy that I don?t think I will ever feel for 
anyone else. I love
her so much it hurts. I think about her all the time and it just seems to be 
getting harder and
harder. Now she?s hanging out so much with Riley and I kind of feel left out. 
I know it?s
stupid but, I miss her.

I can?t control these feelings anymore . I?ve tried. For years now I?ve tried. 
I?ve tried
forgetting about my feelings for her and I ended up fooling around with Xander. 
Sure I?d always
had a crush on him, but that was major frustration going on there. I?ve tried 
to be a good friend
to her. I would give everything for her. I will be by her side as long as she 
needs me, but? I
don?t know how much longer I can hold all this inside. I?m dying here.

+++++

I sit back stunned at the blinking curser after those last three words. <OH 
MY GOD> My mouth
hangs open and I stare unblinkingly at the screen. <now more than ever> Huh? 
I?m still quite
stunned to have just read one of Willow?s journal entries, especially 
considering it was about me.
How do two people stay best friends for almost 4 years, and both harbor 
feelings for the other,
yet still never tell? 
A smile spreads wide across my face. I have to tell her. <now more than ever indeed>




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