Fic: The Hardest Thing In This World 2/

["bardo4884" <leanne.deplater@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

The Hardest Thing In This World 2/

Disclaimer: Not mine
Spoilers: Takes place after As You Were
Pairing: The Slayer and her Witch
Summary: Willow sits and thinks
Note: Takes place about the same time as The Hardest Thing In This 
World 1 
Author: Leanne




Dawn and Willow sat in the lounge room watching some teen flick that 
Dawn had insisted was "awesome". Dawn watched the television, Willow 
searched her whole being for an answer to her mess. She wanted Buffy. 
But she didn't want to complicate her friends' life. She had it bad 
for the slayer, had since high school. She knew she could never have 
Buffy as a lover. Buffy wasn't gay, she was into boys, men, whatever.

At sixteen, Willow knew who her heart belonged to, but she didn't 
have the strength or courage to let it loose. The teenage redhead 
thought it would be safer fighting the demons of hell than being a 
lesbian in love with her best friend. She was not the most confidant 
girl in school. She liked being with Buffy, helping save the world. 
She definitely liked kicking demon arse along side her two friends. 

She tried to deny her sexuality. She had put all her energy into 
dating Oz. It worked, she lead her double life and no one knew, 
except her. Nothing like a good cover story to keep your deepest, 
darkest secrets away from prying slayer eyes. Life went on over the 
Hellmouth. 

In a moment of formal uncertainty, she kissed Xander. That led to 
Cordelia nearly being killed. Her love life was far from dull if not 
fraudulent. She broke up with Oz, still she resisted her feelings for 
her best friend. She got back together with Oz and fought all sorts 
of demons in her senior year, but not her own personal ones. Still, 
she struggled with her sexuality and her feelings for Buffy. She 
almost gave the game away when her evil vampire twin dropped by for a 
visit. The budding witch kicked herself for months after letting it 
slip. She was so glad no one picked up on her admission or if they 
did, nothing was ever mentioned. As she remembered the moment her own 
words echoed in her mind.. and I think I'm kinda gay. Why not just 
get up on the table in the library and tell everyone. Hey everyone.. 
I'm gay and I'm in love with Buffy! Of course what she meant to say 
was that SHE, the vampire was kinda gay. Freudian slip much! That day 
caused her hot and cold sweats for nearly twelve months. Every time 
she thought about it, she wanted to run away and hide.

She prepared for her future. Yes, she could have gone to Yale, 
Harvard, Oxford, hell, she could have even gone to Sydney Uni if she 
really wanted to, except she wanted in on the good fight. Willow 
started college at UC Sunnydale. How the fuck was she supposed to 
leave Buffy and move on with her life anyway? Her feelings for the 
slayer had not faded, if anything they were stronger. As she changed 
into a woman, her need for Buffy grew. She stayed with Oz, if for no 
other reason than for the sexual release Buffy was causing. Things 
were supposed to be great. She broke up with Oz. He had got it on 
with some wereho and it hurt, for a while.

Sharing a dorm with Buffy pushed her into letting who she really was 
emerge. Her attraction to women broke through and she let it stay. It 
was too much hard work keeping it to herself. She wanted to know what 
it would be like being with another woman. She started dating Tara. 
Now she was gay, a lesbian. Her life was less complicated, she was 
out. Subsequently, she only had the one secret, she was in love with 
Buffy. Life in Sunnydale was almost perfect. It was hard for her to 
share a room with the woman she loved and keep it to herself. Night 
after night she wanted to crawl into Buffy's bed and just hold her 
and love her. Her life was far from simple, but it was better. She 
moved in with Tara and tried to forget about her hunger for the 
slayer. She never did quite get that bit down. Tara helped take her 
mind away from Buffy every now and then, but not for very long. The 
slayer would creep into her dreams, into her waking thoughts. She 
tried not to love Buffy, which was a waste of time. She resigned to 
the fact that she would never be Buffy's, but the love for her never 
faded.

Buffy died. A part of her died that night too. She was thankful for 
Tara's support during her mourning. Her life was not the same without 
Buffy. They fought all evils of hell side by side for so long and now 
Buffy was gone. Sucked into some Hell dimension by the skanky Hell 
God that was Glory. God knew where Buffy's soul had been flung to via 
the portal to God knows where.

Willow could not leave Buffy in some Hell dimension; she tracked down 
a spell that would bring her back. She thought hard and long about 
the spell and everything that could go wrong. All she could see was 
Buffy spending the rest of forever in a place she didn't belong. The 
spell was dangerous. She was willing to risk everything to rescue 
Buffy. The slayer had saved her life more times than she could 
remember; she couldn't abandon Buffy, not now, not ever. 

She mourned the death of her best friend until her eyes saw her for 
the first time in one hundred and forty seven days. She felt whole 
again, Buffy was home. She had her life and soul back, Buffy was 
back. As long as Buffy was in her life, she was complete. She was 
Willow.

When she found out where Buffy had been brought back from, it nearly 
killed her. How could she have dragged Buffy back from Heaven? She 
felt depleted and hollow. Buffy wouldn't talk to her about it. She 
needed to tell Buffy why she brought her back. She wanted the slayer 
to know. Her best friend was drifting away from her and it hurt. She 
wanted the old Buffy back. That wasn't going to happen though. The 
old Buffy had died and went to Heaven. Willow tried to occupy 
herself, tried to take her mind off the guilt that was hounding her 
day and night. If only she could make Buffy forget where she had 
been, maybe then she'd be the old fun lovin' slayer. Willow tried and 
it backfired big time. Tara left because of it, she wasn't as 
devastated as she thought she might have been. 

She tried to dull the pain that was her guilt at bringing Buffy back. 
How could she have been so stupid. She should've looked more into 
locating Buffy's soul. She missed Buffy so much, she couldn't let go. 
Now every thing was so wrong. It wasn't how it was suppose to be. 
Buffy was back, for what it was worth. She had made her best friend's 
life a nightmare. She had ripped her out of Heaven. What had she 
done? 

If anyone deserved eternal peace, it was the slayer, the world owed 
her that much. She hated herself for what she had done to the woman 
she loved. It didn't surprise her that Buffy had been avoiding her. 
They used to be there for each other, they promised they would NEVER 
not talk to each other again. Willow needed Buffy to react ? 
anything. The slayer was out on all night patrols, not coming home 
sometimes until morning. Willow wanted to tell her how sorry she was. 
Wanted Buffy to tell her how much she hated her for doing what she 
did. She just wanted Buffy to talk to her.

She hated herself for what she did. Pain, guilt and disgust ran 
through her. Those feelings were a part of her now. As far as she was 
concerned, it was all justified. Remorse consumed her. There was no 
escape from the inner torment she was feeling. But Rack helped her 
change all that. He was able to take her pain away. What he gave her 
dulled it all. There was no more pain, she didn't feel anything with 
the power that coursed through her body. Her agony was gone. It was 
better for her that way. She couldn't feel anymore. She wished the 
numbness would last forever. She deserved to walk through life 
unfeeling. She'd thought about offing herself, but that would have 
been cheating the retribution she felt was due to her.

She was out of control, she didn't care what happened, caution went 
flying into the wind, and responsibilities were dammed. She had 
really screwed up her life. She had made life hell for the only 
person she ever loved. Now, she was walking through life numb. She 
didn't care.

She was letting her despair get in the way of the people she loved. 
She had not meant for Dawn to get hurt, but she had reached the 
lowest point in her life, there was nowhere left to fall. It was 
Buffy that pulled her back. Now all she wanted was to feel again, to 
tell Buffy how sorry she was, and to just live the rest of her life 
in misery.

The movie finished and Dawn took herself off to bed before Buffy got 
home. Willow went to the fridge to get another bottle of water, and 
trudge back into the lounge room. Still deep in thought, thinking 
over everything that had happened since the resurrection spell, she 
heard Buffy coming through the back door.