RE: FIC: The Spaces Inbetween (5/?) NC-17

["TheBear!" <thebear@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

If I have to wait three weeks for the next bit of this... I don't know
if I can make it! It's too good!
Please don't make me wait that long! PLEASE, I'm begging over here!

TheBear!
thebear@xxxxxxxxxxxxx 
http://thebear.somewhere.net 


-----Original Message-----
From: Red Willow [mailto:reddwillow@xxxxxxxxxxx] 
Sent: Sunday, July 07, 2002 6:05 PM
To: buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: FIC: The Spaces Inbetween (5/?) NC-17

Ok ok... i know i said i would be posting soon... however i had to go
out of 
town for the better part of last week so i was unable to write and post 
it... I hope you can forgive. I will be gone again for another week in

another 2 weeks or so (at least this time i know about it !) so i'm
hoping 
to finish the story by then. Work's been a real pain in the arse,
though, 
or i would be more committed.... my own original writing has terribly
fallen 
to neglect in the process.... anyway... on to the story!
++++++++++++++

Title: The Spaces Inbetween
Author: Red Willow
Email: reddwillow@xxxxxxxxxxx or nick_elodian@xxxxxxxxx
Disclaimer: All characters and reference to belong to Joss Whedon,
Mutant 
Enemy, and all them
other peeps. I'm just using them to make my own fun. Casey and Claire
are 
mine though. Girl on Girl action.. you know like.. you no read.
Distribution: Story belongs to me. If ya want it, just ask and credit
me.
Pairing: W/B with a little bit o' Tara and a smidge of Spike
Rating: NC-17 (up to)
Summary: part 5 of ? S6 and veering off into AU land. Tara's left
Willow. 
Buffy slept with Spike. Willow's trying to keep
away from magicks. The spaces inbetween refers to the time between
one
relationship and another.... the fight and the makeup, the time spent in

reflection, dreams...
alone time....
Feedback? I thrive on feedback. Hope you enjoy!
************************************************************************
*******************************************
Again... song mentioned is:
'It's Been Awhile' off the Breaking the Cycle Cd, by Staind. 2001
++++++++++++


I fled to my room. I didn't know what else to do after seeing the look
on 
her face. I was angry, scared, embarrassed, and so much more. I felt 
flooded with absurdity. I locked myself away, throwing on a mixed cd I
had 
burned recently and cranking up the volume. I didn't care how loud it
was, 
so long as I could drown everything beyond my bedroom door out. As long
as 
I could drown out my own torment.

I sat on my bed, clutching my reliable pillow to my chest, and
rocked 
myself back and forth, trying to sooth away the torrent of emotions
boiling 
within me. I couldn't help the tears that freely flowed down my red
cheeks 
and dropped onto the pillow, spreading and soaking into the smooth cool 
fabric.

How could I blow up at Buffy like that? How could I be so angry
and then 
say those things? I was supposed to be the best friend, logic girl; the
one 
person she could trust to forgive all of her wrongs, and I always had. 
People make mistakes; I was a walking testament to that, and Buffy had 
definitely made some mistakes in the past. Sure, maybe sometimes I had
been 
mad at her, but I've always forgiven her. That's part of the best
friend 
job description. It's in the manual!

Forgiveness was not the only issue I needed to deal with though.
My 
stupidity would be a nice start. How could I tell Buffy my secret
feelings 
for her? Not that I had come out and told her that I had been in love
with 
her since we met or that I fantasized about her, had dreams about her, 
thought about her when I. No, I hadn't said all that, but I was pretty
sure 
she got the idea from what I did say, especially given her reaction.
Stupid. 
Very Stupid Rosenberg. As if things weren't already tense around here,
I 
just had to throw more fuel on the fire.
I don't know how long I sat there, staring at the floor, rocking back
and 
forth and holding a tear-stained pillow against my sobs, letting music 
create a barrier between me and everyone else.


why must I feel this way
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

I was startled by Buffy's knock and faint voice at my door.

"Willow?"

I didn't respond. I was petrified, thinking there would never be a good
way 
to handle all of this, the humiliation, the anger, the loneliness, and
the 
rejection. And that was the reason why I never let my feelings show,
never 
told her how much she really meant to me beyond all forms of friendship,
why 
I clung so tightly to Oz and Tara. It was her ultimate rejection that 
scared me into silence, into shoving the need for her deep down inside
where 
no one could touch it, where I could almost ignore it. Denial was a job
I 
was good at. I could sit in class and not look at her, not stare at her 
smooth toned legs or the way the sun lit her highlights into a dance
that 
would mesmerize. I became real good at ignoring all the things about
her 
that made my blood boil, sent shivers down my spine, captured my heart, 
squeezing until I was out of breath.

"Hey Will!" Buffy shouted louder, banging on the door.
Ignore. Ignore.
"Come on Will, we need to talk!"

She was right, but that didn't mean I wanted to. It didn't mean I would

like myself any better for messing everything up. For acting the way I
did 
tonight, for adding to the tension between me and Buffy. And it
certainly 
didn't mean that I would ever forgive myself for doing magicks on Tara
to 
keep her beside me, keep her close as a distraction against my feelings
for 
Buffy, or my guilt I saw reflected in her own eyes when she looked at
Buffy 
in a way I was all too familiar with. Talking wouldn't erase the shame,
or 
erase the guilt, and heartache.

I got up, leaving my damp pillow behind, and walked to the door. I
thought 
maybe I would just give in and open it, confront her, confront all our 
problems, and confront my own hidden passion for her. Talking would 
definitely be a step in the right direction, thank you logic girl, but
that 
still didn't mean I wanted to.


it's been awhile
since I could hold my head up high
and it's been awhile
since I said I'm sorry.


I pressed my forehead up against the door with my eyes closed,
my right 
hand flat near my head.

"Willow!" I heard her shout just as the song ended, shattering the
precious 
ability to ignore with silence.
"Please Will! Don't shut me out!"
And in the end, could I ever really shut her out? Buffy was my
lifeline. 
Ironic that she was dead for nearly 6 months and yet she above all else 
still kept me going. She was right, we needed to talk and I needed to 
finally tell her everything, finally get all of this out of my system, 
finally come clean to the one person that had caused me to hide all
these 
years. I just couldn't do it now. I needed time to think, to breath,
to 
get myself under control.
"Go away Buffy." I said, trying to contain my sobs, my voice flat and
cold.

The next track came on, breaking the silence once again, and if Buffy
had a 
response I didn't hear it, but she didn't knock on my door any more.


Time passed and I took no notice. Songs by likes of K's Choice, Ani 
Difranco, Ferron, and an assortment of others started and ended with
little 
thought from me. These were my favorite, and generally I would be
really 
into the rhythm of the music, singing along, every word memorized. But 
instead I felt lost, only faintly aware of the tunes as they filled the 
empty void for minutes at a time. I sat against the wall, knees drawn
up to 
my chest and my eyes closed.

I don't know how long I sat there before I realized how quiet it
was and 
that my butt was numb. I got up, rubbing my sore ass and decided to
chance a 
bathroom trip.
I stared in the bathroom mirror at my swollen eyes, red lips,
and messed 
hair. I made faces, trying to smile, trying to pretend that I could be 
something other than a coward. I wasn't convinced.

"Get over it girl. It's high hairy time you faced this." I said
to my 
reflection. "Yep, darn tootin'."
I washed my face and brushed my hair back.
"Ok Buffy, just you and me." I declared, turning to open the
door.

Before I had time to open it though there was a knock.
"Crap." I whispered, before saying, "Uh, just uh. just a
minute." Oh God, 
oh God.
"Hurry up Willow, I got a pee!"
I closed my eyes. Ok, so much for just me and Buffy.
"Hold on Dawn."
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before opening the door.
"Hey Dawnie," I said sweetly, a strained smile on my face. "Where've you

been?"
She rushed passed me and closed the door before yelling, "Movies! I'll
tell 
you in a minute!"
I chuckled before starting to make my way down the hall. "Okay!"

I decided that it would probably just make things worse if I went and
locked 
myself in my room. I also figured that given more time, I would just
become 
a much more cowardly lion. NO, I just needed to go downstairs and talk
to 
Buffy. That's right Rosenberg, resolve face time.

"So it was good?"
"So good! You gotta see it! I-it was like so cool with all the people
coming 
back to life and going after the government agent people! A-and they
were 
like, all nasty monstery and some had like, skin hanging off them!"
"Okay." I took another sip of my Coke. "Dawn don't you get enough of all

that gross stuff living on the hellmouth?"

We were in the kitchen, sitting at the counter. Dawn was telling me of
the 
movie her and a couple of her friends from school had gone to see and I
was 
using this as a perfect opportunity to not think of the more pressing
issues 
at hand. Buffy wasn't there, probably on patrol, and I can't say I was 
entirely unhappy, even if I did know we needed to have a major talk.

"Well yeah. but mostly it's funny ya know? 'Cause like we've seen real 
monsters and vampires and in the movie it's just, I know it's make
believe. 
I-I mean, the movie stuff, not like, hellmouthy stuff. Ya know?"
"Uh." I nodded, not sure if I followed her. "So tell me Dawnie," I
leaned 
closer to her, "Just how much candy did you have tonight?"
She rolled her eyes and laughed lightly. "At the movies or before?"
"Nevermind."
"So Buffy still out on patrol huh?"
"Uh. yeah she must be." I trailed off, looking at the clock. It was
getting 
late but I figured that she would probably stay out later than usual
given 
our argument or rather, her confession and my explosion. I sighed
heavily 
and drank more of my Coke.

"You okay Willow?"
I looked at her, registering concern on her face.
"O-Oh yeah, just uh. just lots of stuff on my mind."
"Tara?" She asks, eyeing me with her head to the side.
"Uh. well." I smile at her. "Sort of. But not really."
"I miss her."
"I-I know. I miss her too but-"
"I miss you guys being together." She said sadly.
I smiled at her. Dawn must be the most pro-gay teenager in the world.
"I know. But. I. I don't think that that would be such a good idea. I
mean. 
for us to. get back together."
"But you guys love each other!"
"Of course Dawnie. But. there are sometimes things two people can't fix.

a-and sometimes love just isn't enough. Or sometimes, it's. it's not
the 
right kind of love."
She looked at me quizzically for a few moments and I was sure I'd have
to 
explain that more in depth.
"So. you guys love each other, but. because of like, the magic.?" She 
didn't finish, just looked at me for answers.

I was a little hurt that me and Tara's breakup, and all our problems
could 
be blamed so easily on my use of magicks. Of course, I was fully aware
that 
I did have a problem, was dealing with it, and could also admit that I
did 
royally fuck up where that was concerned.

"Well. my magic use definitely had something to do with it. a-and yes. I

wouldn't listen to her. but."
I had to pause and choose my words. I knew Dawn and Tara were close and
I 
didn't want Dawn to get the impression that I wanted to blame Tara or
bad 
mouth her. I just wanted her to understand the whole situation better.

"Sometimes," I continued, "there are people that you are just better at 
being friends with. That's. that's kind of how it is with me and Tara.
I-I 
do love her. a-and she means a lot to me. I owe her a lot and I want to
be 
friends with her, I was sad when she left, but I know now that, that
it's 
for the best. There were things in our relationship. other than the
magicks. 
things before the magicks even became an issue that. that shouldn't have

been."
"Huh?"

I smiled, knowing I was making this more difficult than it should be.

"Okay. If I tell you something, you promise not to tell anyone?" I
asked, 
knowing she would love to hear a "secret" but that it might be hard for
her 
to keep it.
"Oh! A secret?!" She was excited, leaning forward and ready to receive 
whatever dastardly bit of information I was about to reveal.
"You are too cute Dawnie." I told her smiling.
"So.? What is it?"
"W-well. uh. besides some other things that. that I don't want to get
into 
right now. um. we were both. attracted to um. well to other people."
"You weren't attracted to Tara?"
"No. no, no, no. We were very much attracted to each other. Believe me.

but. I knew she was attracted to B. uh. to some uh. other girl. And I-I
was 
uh. too. um, attracted to uh. someone else. So much so that it caused 
jealousy and accusations and arguments."
"I never heard you guys fight." She stated rather matter-of-factly.
"Well, we didn't air all our business for everyone. I-I would hope there

were a lot of. uh. other things you didn't. hear. either."
Dawn smiled widely and her face turned a bright red.
"Or did you?" I asked, peering at her with a raised eyebrow.
"W-w-well." she stammered, "S-sometimes. But oh my God! You guys were
like. 
so loud sometimes!"

I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. She was so cute and excited.
It 
felt good to laugh. It felt like I hadn't laughed in so long. I really

needed this release.

She grinned at me, trying to mock a glare.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I said, holding up my hand in front of me. "Oh.

that felt good." I said finally getting my laughing under control.

Dawn looked at me thoughtfully while I downed the last of my Coke.
"What?" I asked her.
"Is it Buffy?"
I shot a surprised look at her.
"Huh??!"
"The someone else that Tara's attracted to?"
"Uh."
"'Cause sometimes I thought she was looking at her, like. like you guys 
looked at each other. before. I mean."
"I know what you mean."

And she was right. Smart kid we had here. I always suspected Tara had
a 
thing for Buffy. I had been there so long myself, I could pick up on it

pretty easily. But after bringing Buffy back, and living in the same
house 
with her, it had become extremely obvious that Tara was lusting after
her. 
I thought it was just me who noticed. But I realize that Dawn sometimes

gets shoved aside, forcing her to watch from the outside, and apparently

she's become a really good observer.

"Yeah. she's got a. thing. for Buffy."
I guess I really have perfected hiding my own love and lust for Buffy
since 
Dawn hadn't asked if she was the one I was attracted to.
"You too though, huh?"
Ok, so I spoke too soon.
"What?!"
"Come on Willow. I know my memories are supposed to be fake ones the
monks 
created for me but. I've always known you loved my sister."

Can we say. what the hell? How did she know? I was sure I hid it so
well. 
Who else knows? Oh of course, Buffy, because I basically told her and
she 
hates me and I guess none of it matters now anyway!

"W-well. of course I love your sister. she. she's my best friend a-and I

love Xander too but I don't want to uh. do stuff. I mean. not anymore. 
'cause. um."
But I saw the look in her eyes and I knew my babbling was a lost cause.
I 
knew she knew and there was no denying anymore. And what was that I had
just 
said about it not mattering anyway?

"Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes! Okay?"
She smiled victoriously at me, showing a lot of large white teeth. She
was 
gloating!
"Think you're so smart huh?" I asked, leaning closer to her, mocking
threat.
"Yup!" She shouted cheerily, jumping down from the stool and heading out
the 
kitchen.
"Hey! Where are you going?"

I followed her into the living room, where she turned to me with a
genuine 
smile on her face.
"Willow. I love you. And I love Tara. And I love Buffy. I just want
all of 
you to be happy. If you and Tara are happy together then that's what I 
want. But if you can't be happy together, like you said, then I don't
want 
you two to get back together because you guys won't be happy anymore."

Maybe I could have brought a notebook and pen with me for taking notes.

"Ookay."
"So, if you guys are happier not together then I'm good with that. I
don't 
know if Tara loves Buffy. Do you think she does?"

I felt my heart start to sink. Did she want Buffy and Tara to get
together? 
Of course, it wasn't like I had a chance anymore. But Buffy wasn't
into 
girls, I think. Let me stress I think. There were a couple of times I 
wasn't sure.

I had to shake my head to clear my thoughts. Does Tara love Buffy? I 
honestly didn't know. I always simply assumed she just wanted her in a
sex 
way.

"I don't know Dawn." My voice was weak.
"But you do, don't you?"

I looked at her and nodded. I could feel the fears that I had tried to 
ignore while in the kitchen with Dawn come shooting to the surface
again. 
Yep, officially terrified again.

"Well, I'm just thinking that it makes so much sense for you guys to get

together. You and Buffy, Tara and Buffy. I don't know."
"Well Dawn, I don't think Buffy is exactly. ya know. into girls."
She said nothing else. Just smiled and glanced at the window.

I followed her gaze and saw a shadow of someone on the porch. I thought
it 
was probably Buffy and felt relief. Relief bordering on outright fear.

I looked back at Dawn who, for the first time, I saw as a rapidly
maturing 
young woman and was finally struck with the knowledge that she was the
same 
age that I had been when I fell in love with Buffy. She yawned,
stretching 
her arms up and behind her head, before passing me and heading for the 
stairs. She stopped at the door and looked through the peephole.

"Buffy's home. I'm going to bed. Night Willow."
"Night Dawn." I said just above a whisper, still looking at the shadow.

I wondered what she was doing. I wanted to open the door, make sure she
was 
all right, that she wasn't hurt. But this panic that was rapidly
spreading 
its wings over my entire body threatened to immobilize me, to force me
into 
another retreat where I would hide and deny and force Buffy away. I had

done that too long already. It was time for action girl and it was
going to 
have to be now or never because in truth, if I waited any longer, I
really 
would be back in my room, probably under the bed, and unwilling to come
out 
for days forcing Buffy to finally break down the door where she would
find 
my rotting dead hand sticking out from under the bed. Okay, bad bad 
thoughts. Clear head and focus. Come on feet, work.
I made my way over to the door, and although it a very short distance,
It 
still felt like it took forever. I could imagine myself walking in
thick 
mud, every step harder than the last. I looked through the peephole and
saw 
that she was sitting on the porch, slumped against the post. Oh
Goddess, 
she's hurt! Or, wait no. She wouldn't be on the porch, she'd be inside 
getting help, and I know this. No, she's scared to come inside. Oh,
she's 
scared of me I bet. Scared I'll yell at her again. Or maybe she's not 
scared maybe she's angry. Oh boy.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. This was it. I gripped the

doorknob, turned, and opened the door as quietly as possible. She
didn't 
know I was behind her. She must have been distracted because generally,

with Slayer abilities and all, she would have heard the door open, or
sensed 
someone there.

I stepped out onto the porch, pulling the door shut behind me. She 
straightened up when she heard the click, knowing now that she was not
by 
herself.

"Buffy?" I said her name almost in a whisper, but I knew she
could hear me. 
"A-are you. all right?"
"Willow." She responded in her own whispered and sad voice.
"Buffy. we need to."
"Talk." She finished for me. "Yeah, we need to talk."

I couldn't tell if this was going to be good or not. I did have
a feeling 
though, that this was going to be an even longer night than it already
was.




"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound
anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that
as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like
beautiful music"
-Soren Kierkegaard


Willow: Oh Buffy, you really need to have every square inch of your ass 
kicked.
Buffy: Then show me what you got, and I'll show you what a Slayer really
is.

Who the hell am *i* to capitalize myself?


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