RE: FIC: Heaven

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-----Original Message-----
From: hd_genscher [mailto:HD.Genscher@xxxxxx] 
Sent: Tuesday, July 09, 2002 12:14 PM
To: buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: FIC: Heaven



TITLE: Heaven
AUTHOR: HD_Genscher (hd.genscher@xxxxxx)
RATING: PG
PAIRING: B/W
SPOILERS: 6th season
DISCLAIMER: All characters and places belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, et al.
ARCHIVE: HD's Fan Fiction Archive (http://www.u34.de/hdffa/). If you
want it too: take it!
FEEDBACK: Please. 
SUMMARY: Buffy reflects on what she experienced during her sentence in
an old people's home.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place in an AU, and "Seeing Red" will not be
part of it. Paragraphs in square brackets [] are quotes from Buffy's
dairy. 
MUSIC: Candlelight Mix of 'DJ Sammy & Yanou feat. Do - Heaven' (a
female voice/piano/strings version of the Bryan Adams classic).



I'm lying here, beside you. I can't sleep, despite your deep
breathing, soothing me. Maybe it's the full moon... Or maybe it's that
entry in my old diary I read again today that I can't get out of my
mind.

Have you ever held the hand of someone who's dying? I did. More than
once. Many times, in fact. I never told anyone though. Not even you...

I was polite, dutiful, entertaining even. The old guys loved me, of
course. I'm sure some of them hadn't seen "fresh meat" in ages.
Although some of the nurses were pretty hot. But I'm avoiding the
topic, again.


Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven


[It's the fourth week of my sentence now. I don't know why I wanted to
serve it in an old people's home at all...

It's not fair! Discipline is necessary, the judge said. If only he
knew...
I mean, it was just a car, right? Okay, three of them... and a couple
of devastated frontyards. But it was for a good cause. Seven vamps in
one night! Too bad one of the neighbors called the police.

Really, Cordy should be the one having to do this, if only for one
day. She'd realize very fast that life's not just fun, movies and
clothes. It's about living. Because soon enough you'll look back and
say: what have I done with my life? Where did all that time go?

If that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn, that's really old news. As
the Slayer, I knew that ever since I had to fight for my life against
some fiend of darkness.]


I thought I was prepared for everything. Hey, I kicked a lot of
vampire butt, right? But I had to face the truth: I just wasn't
prepared for dealing with death. I couldn't do it. I mean, I tried...
I really did. Support... calm... just be there, so he or she wouldn't
be alone. But every time, after a few moments that seemed like
eternity, I ran away. Got someone, a nurse. Until finally I did it...

It had been predictable that she would die. Liza had been living in
the home for some months when her condition had become worse suddenly.
Yet, her relatives wouldn't come. I couldn't believe my ears when my
nurse told me that this was what her daughter had said on the phone.
They were preparing their holidays and everything was paid. Her own
daughter didn't have time for her dying mother...

I couldn't leave her alone. Not her... She reminded me of grandma so
much. The white hair always carefully wrapped in a bun just like her.
And that strength in her blue eyes, as if she was unbreakable... I
never understood where that strength came from. But I was very young,
too young to understand.


[Breathing in, rattling.
Letting the air stream out again. 
Even something that simple is arduous.
In again.
Out again.
Then a beat, getting longer each time.
Me, stroking her hand.
In.
Out.
More time elapses, painfully slow, and I start to worry.
I need to...
In.
Then she let the final breath out.
Deep... so very deep, like I never thought someone could exhale.

I didn't see anything. I swear, I didn't.
But I'm sure: along with that final breath leaving the spent body, her
soul ascended to whatever there is... above.
Heaven, maybe.]

"Do you believe in heaven?" she had asked earlier, slowly and
arduously, her mind already going, but her eyes sparkling. I just held
her hand. 

Yes, I can say now. I've been there. But I didn't meet Liza where I
was. Maybe there's more than one or everyone's got his or her own. I
dunno.


Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven


I look at you, sleeping peacefully beside me. The moonlight is
caressing your beautiful face and your flaming hair. And I know that
I'll never leave you alone...

Because when I'm with you, I'm in heaven.


THE END


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