FIC: Summer Confessions 5/6

[jeepy91@xxxxxxx]

Hey gang, here's part 5, the infamous Letters chapter. I actually had a ton 
of trouble trying to write the letters so please let me know if I managed to 
at least pull it off a little bit

And since I'm not sure how the formatting is gonna look, I'll denote the 
letters with some sort of symbol or another LOL

Hope you enjoy :)

~~~~
Author: Casandra
Email: rozwellrulz@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: Wouldn't I love to own em! But of course I don't, how much does 
that suck? Everything herein belongs to Mr. Whedon, Mutant Enemy, yada yada 
yada.
Rating: PG-13. What can I say, I still haven't gotten up the courage to try 
my hand at naughtyness
Warning: If the idea of two grown woman in a loving romantic relationship 
gives you the squicks, well then you better avert your eyes.
Distribution: If you want it, feel free. Just drop me an email to let me know 
where it's going.
Feedback: Always welcome and appreciated.
Spoilers: Almost anything is fair game with me. But nothing past mid Season 5 
I don't think.
Pairing: Buffy/Willow
Summary: Buffy wrote letters to Willow, but never sent them. What happens 
when the letters find their way into Willow's hands?
Author's Note: Ok, I wrote this in a completely different way than I've 
written anything. I started it back at the end of May and just wrote bits 
here and there when the mood struck me. And I've switched POV's back and 
forth between Buffy and Willow a little bit. Hopefully it won't get you too 
confused and hopefully it doesn't feel all that disjointed. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With every single syllable I read I become more and more confused. Love 
letters. Buffy wrote me love letters when she was in LA the summer after she 
killed Angel. Three of them to be exact. Each one more heartfelt and raw 
then the one before it. I know I probably shouldn't have snooped and read 
them in the first place, but it's too late now. Knowledge is a powerful 
thing. And I've pretty much been knocked off my feet with the words 
contained on the crinkled notes. I can see the smudges of ink where she must 
not have been able to stop her tears from falling onto the crisp white paper. 
Every letter scrolled in her delicate handwriting, forming words that have 
left me in a complete state of emotional upheaval. 

I don't know what to feel. Hurt that she never told me about her feelings. 
Confused that she actually could feel that way about me. Scared that she 
might not have those same feelings anymore. I can't seem to come to a stop 
on any one of them. 

I mean in all fairness, what's a girl to do when she finds a stack of love 
letters from her best friend, stuffed away for two years in an old black 
duffel bag? Is there some kind of standard for this sort of thing, because 
if there is, I wish I was aware of it. Because I honestly don't know how to 
broach this subject with Buffy. And I can't figure out if our kisses out in 
the ocean not more than 10 minutes ago make this all that much easier or even 
harder than it normally would be.

I decide to read back over each one, I honestly don't know why. Maybe to 
convince myself that I'm not imagining things, that my wishful thinking 
hasn't taken one step too far towards the crazy.

~ ~ ~ ~
Dear Willow,

Ok, well I don't think I've honestly ever written a letter to anyone before. 
So keep that in mind when you read this. Of course that's not entirely true. 
You and I have passed so many notes around in class that I had to buy new 
shoes just to have a box to put them all in. Yeah, it gave me a good excuse 
to get some new boots, I can't help that, so thanks! 

But I bet you didn't know I kept all of our notes did you? Yep, every single 
one. I have the one we scribbled back and forth in Ms. French's biology 
class from hell. Two full pages that we managed to sneak past her, using 
Xander as our aisle buddy. I have to admit, I was so tempted to ask him on 
more than one occasion to switch seats with me. I really wanted to be your 
lab partner. And not just so I would actually pass Biology. But just think 
of all the fun we could have had, passing notes back and forth all period 
long. Of course I should know better than to try and corrupt you into not 
paying attention in class! I've come to realize just how bad an influence on 
you I really am! 

Do you remember the note we went back and forth with right around the time 
when Ford and Drusilla came to Sunnydale? Or the one during 7th period 
English when we had that substitute teacher that was more boring than one of 
Giles' musty old books? I have every last one of them. I cherish them if I 
want to be brutally honest. Every word you wrote to me I have safely tucked 
away here in my shoe box. And I brought it with me. I couldn't stand the 
thought of not at least being able to live our friendship vicariously through 
all those words we've written back and forth to each other over the last 2 
years.

And that brings me to my main point of this letter. I'm so so sorry Willow. 
I'm sorry I left you the way I did. I'm sorry I left period. But I couldn't 
stay in Sunnydale after everything that happened. You're spell worked Will. 
In the last moments before I was about to plunge a sword into my lover's 
chest, it worked. I saw a flash of purple light in his eyes and suddenly he 
was Angel again. But it was too late, and behind his shoulder I saw the 
vortex open. So I'm sure you know what I had to do. I mean the world is 
still turning so I know you can figure it out. After all, you are the one 
that wears the smarty pants in our little family. And I know what you're 
thinking, you're blaming yourself. Whether it being for not casting the 
spell in time, or just doing it to begin with. It doesn't matter to me 
though Willow. I don't blame you. God, I could never ever blame you for 
trying to help me like that. So please don't blame yourself, I couldn't 
stand it knowing you're blaming yourself just because of my screw ups.

I honestly hadn't made up my mind to leave for certain until I saw you the 
morning after. Yes, I had went home and packed a bag, left my mom a letter 
saying goodbye. But I wasn't completely sure until I saw you. In a 
wheelchair. Because of me. I know you didn't see me, I was standing behind 
the tree over across from the courtyard out in front of the school. But I 
saw you and the gang, looking around, waiting for me. And seeing you like 
that, so hurt, it completely made up my mind. I put you in that wheelchair 
Willow, maybe not technically, but everything that's happened to you in the 
past 2 years, all the roads lead back to me. And I figured that the only way 
to protect you was to leave you. And as much as it killed me to do it, 
you're safety and happiness is the most important thing in the world to me 
Will. 

I'll never be able to thank god enough for gracing my life with your 
presence, even if I've cut our time together shorter than it might have been. 
But I could never have asked for a better friend than what you've been to 
me. And as long as I live I'll never forget what you mean to me. I love you 
Willow. Please, if anything, remember that. Try not to be angry with me, 
the thought of that cuts through me like a knife. And try not to worry about 
me. I'm ok, really, I just miss all of you so much. Take care of yourself, 
and each other.

Love, your best friend,
Buffy
~ ~ ~ ~ 

If she would have stopped with that one letter I probably wouldn't have 
thought anything of it. We've said I love you to each other plenty of times 
in the last 4 years. Well not so much in the last 4 years. If I really 
think about it, we never said it to each other until right before 
graduation. Almost a year after she wrote these letters. Not that it really 
matters, because knowing now that she felt it even back then is enough to 
give me all sorts of warm and tinglies. I've cherished our friendship, in 
fact, if I really want to be honest, it's the most important thing in my 
life. Her friendship is even more important to me than Xander's. And that's 
really saying a lot, because I've known Xander, even if we haven't always 
been close the way we are now, since I was a scrawling infant. Ok, well 
maybe not an infant, more like toddlers, but the difference is the same. But 
I've only known Buffy 4 years, and I feel closer to her than I have to 
anybody, my parents and Xander included. I couldn't imagine her not being in 
my life, the brief thought that she would be anything less than my best 
friend is the most chilling thing I can imagine. 

I can live without Xander. I can live without my parents. And I've learned 
this year that I can live without Oz and Tara. But I honestly don't think I 
could live very long without Buffy. And after reading the last two letters, 
it's glaringly apparent that Buffy feels the exact same way about me.

~ ~ ~ ~
Dear Willow,

It's me again. I know I haven't sent the other letter yet. I'm just not 
sure whether to send them all at once or not. Ok, yeah, I'm actually not all 
that sure whether to send them period. 

Just in case you're curious, it's the fourth of July tonight. I'm sitting 
here in this dingy low rent apartment and listening to the streets below come 
alive with the sounds of bottle rockets and poppers and all sorts of other 
fireworks that the denizens of LA are reveling in at the moment. I just got 
done pulling a double shift at the diner. Yep, another shocker for you. I'm 
a waitress at a seedy grease trap. Aren't you just so proud. I go from 
saving the world to serving undercooked burgers to slimy, unwashed truck 
drivers. The mighty have fallen, that's for sure.

But that's not what's really bothering me. You are, Willow. God how much I 
miss you. I never realized just how much I took your presence for granted, 
but not being near you, not just being able to walk through the halls of 
Sunnydale High and talk about anything and nothing in particular with you, I 
can't stand it. I feel like I'm just completely drifting farther and farther 
away. And my anchor, my Willow, isn't there to pull me back in. How 
pathetically dependant am I? I wonder what you're doing right now. Did you 
and Oz take a blanket out to Weatherly Park and sit and watch the fireworks? 

I was surprised last year when you told me that Sunnydale actually had a 
Fourth of July show. Vamp playground I figured. Who would have thought they 
would be too scared of errant fireworks dusting them! I really wish I hadn't 
gone off to LA with my father last summer. I missed out on all that time 
with you. We could have gone to the fireworks together. Oh, of course we 
would have had to share the blanket with Xander. But that would have been 
ok, we would have at least been together. I can only imagine what the tint 
of the fireworks do to your already blazing red hair. It must look 
beautiful. I'm so sorry I won't have a chance to find out for myself. But 
Oz better appreciate it, or I might just have to come back and knock some 
sense into him. He better realize that he's the luckiest guy in the world to 
have you. So many times I felt like smacking Xander upside the head for not 
seeing what was right in front of him all those years. I hated seeing that 
disappointed look in your eyes every time he decided to pay more attention to 
everything else in a skirt instead of you. 

I mean, how can anyone ignore you? You have this way about you Will, it just 
draws me completely in and I never want to find my way back out. That's 
exactly what happened the first day I met you. I caught one look of your 
sharp emerald eyes and I knew, just knew with everything that I am, that I 
needed to be your friend, needed to be in your life, someway, somehow. So 
yeah, now you know, that old excuse of getting me caught up on my school work 
was just a ruse. It worked though didn't it? Because here I am, 2 years 
later, and I can't imagine what my life would be like if I never would have 
gone out to you in that courtyard and sat down.

And now I'm getting all weepy. I'm sure you can probably tell, if you can 
even read this thing with all the splotches on it. So I guess I'll say 
goodnight Willow. Maybe I'll dream about you, us dancing together at the 
Bronze like we used to, or walking through the cemetery on patrol, a mocha in 
one of my hands, your own warm palm in the other. I love you Will, and God, 
I miss you so much. Please take care of yourself.

Love, 
Buffy
~ ~ ~ ~
By the time I get done reading that one, I have a few tears sliding down my 
cheek. It's almost like I can feel all the emotion she put into her words, 
every pen stroke like she was bearing just a little bit more of her soul.

But it's the last one that has me totally reeling.

~ ~ ~ ~
Dear Willow,

Another month has gone by, and it's just getting worse and worse. All I 
think about is you anymore. I dream every night of you, of us, together. I 
wonder almost every single moment what you're doing, who're you're with, and 
if you're safe. If anything other than that, please god I hope you're safe. 
That's always in the forefront of my mind. That you might be hurt or even 
worse. And I can't even begin to describe the panic and fear that grips me 
when I think like that

And over the last two months I've started to come to realize some things. 
Some scary things. About myself, about you, about our friendship. I've 
re-read over the other two letters I wrote you. I know, I know, I should 
have sent them. If anything it would have just let you know that I'm not 
lying dead in a ditch somewhere. For being the Slayer, I'm an awfully big 
coward when it comes to matters of the heart, aren't I? But in reading over 
the letters, I realized just how much of my heart I poured out onto the 
pages. And in realizing that, I've come to know just how big a piece of that 
heart you really do own.

Willow, over the last two years you've unknowingly, to both of us I think, 
become the center of my universe. Everything that's happened to me since 
arriving in Sunnydale, you've always been there right beside me, literally 
from day one. I've always come to you when I needed comfort. And you've 
always been there, offering it to me unconditionally. God, even when Angel 
turned, you were willing to do anything to help me. Even after he almost 
killed you.

And since I brought up that subject, I might as well get more to the point. 
I'm being beat around the bush Buffy, and it's not helping either of us. 

A few days after I had gotten out of the hospital last spring I had a 
encounter with Angel that I never told you about. I still wasn't up to full 
strength, but I had enough in me to tire him out so that I didn't have to go 
running. But what he said to me, I can still hear his words echoing in my 
ears as I write this. 

Let me ask you something Willow. Did you ever wonder why Angel sent Xander 
away that night in the hallway ? Why he came after you first and foremost? 
And even later with your fish. He went after you first again. He told me 
that night that he knew right where to hit me. That he didn't need to bother 
taking out Xander and Cordy and Giles and everyone else first, because he 
knew that the second he took you away from me, the moment he killed you, it 
would have killed me too. He said it was almost too perfect. That I let 
myself love someone that much that all he had to do was snap your neck and he 
would have killed me with you. And of course I denied it to him. Besides the 
fact that if I admitted anything it would have just given him all that much 
more pleasure, and made you even more of a walking target. So I beat his 
face till it was barely recognizable, until he finally managed to throw me 
off of him and race back into the sewers. But his words have haunted me ever 
since.

Because he was right. I do love you that much Willow. If something were to 
happen to you, it would kill me too, I have no doubt at all about that. But 
it's not just his words that have me writing this. It's the dreams I've been 
having too. Dreams of us Will. Holding hands and walking down the beach 
together at sunset. Dreams where we're lying in my bed, watching bad foreign 
soap opera's together, you curled in my arms with your head resting gently on 
my chest, my fingers playing through your silken auburn hair. Dreams of us 
walking through the middle of Sunnydale, our arms wrapped around each other's 
waist, goofy smiles permanently plastered onto our faces. Dreams where I 
scoop you up into my arms and impetuously kiss you like there's no tomorrow. 
Dreams where we make tender sweet love for hours, holding each other close 
and hearing the rhythmic beat of each other's heart.

I love you Willow.

And I'm in love with you too.

And that is the reason I've decided to come back home to Sunnydale. Back 
home to you. Because to me, you are home. Whether I ever give you this 
letter or not, whether I ever tell you how much I really do love you, you 
forever will be home to me Willow. And I need to come back to you.

In love forever, 
Buffy
~ ~ ~ ~ 

There aren't enough words to describe what reading that letter has done to 
me. My legs have turned to Jell-O and I find myself sitting on the floor 
with my back against the sofa. If the soft leather wouldn't be holding me 
up, I know I would be flat on my back, I'm that bowled over. Reading it the 
first time didn't affect me as much as this time. I think the shock factor 
is starting to wear off, the real meaning behind her words slowly seeping 
into my consciousness.

Buffy loves me. Buffy is in love with me.

Or at least she was two years ago. A lot has changed, for both of us. I 
can't be sure she still feels the same way. But oh Goddess I hope she does. 
Because with those few pieces of crinkled paper all my dreams of the past 
four years have suddenly come to life. And the thought that it's too late is 
paralyzing me with fear. Tears are working their way down my cheeks in a 
constant river of salty wetness. 

"Willow, what's wrong?!" 

TBC.... I know, I'm evil.........

Casandra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy:"I could wrestle naked in grease for a living and still be cleaner than 
after a shift at the Doublemeat."
Willow:"Plus, I'd visit you at work every single day."
-'Normal Again' Shooting Script