RoundRobin: Chapter 4 - Stefan

["amberbensonfan" <AmberBensonFan@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

All disclaimers in part 1

Rising From The Wreckage
Part Four
Stefan Akerblom


Xander watched the retreating back of the slayer as she walked away, 
her hair DID look cute, but for some reason he couldn't raise any 
enthusiasm about that right now. Scratching his fingers through his 
unruly hair, he thought about what had happened in the last couple of 
days, Buffy's invisibility, Willow leaving, and a few other problems 
to do with the impending doom of his own marriage. From out of 
nowhere came a hot surge of anger, 'damnit where does Will get off 
leaving without saying a damned thing to him? And what about everyone 
else, wh ...' he shook himself, 'what about poor Tara, did she know?'

Fidgeting for a few moments, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed 
up.

"Hello?" He held his breath for a few moments, the voice on the other 
end sounded a little uncertain. "H ... hello??" The voice questioned 
shakily.

"Uh ... hi ... Tara, it's me." he said softly.

"Xander? What ... is ... uh is everything ok?" He licked his lips and 
tried to think of something safe to say. And instead blurted out.

"She left!" Silence greeted him for moments, so he was forced to 
continue. "Will ... she left."

"Left what, where?" the wicca was sounding worried.

"Us ... he left us Tara, she's gone." He heard an indrawn breath.

"Gone? Where Xander? Where is she, where's she gone?" Tara's voice 
was shaking. "Why ... was it ... was it 'cos of ..."

"No it's got nothing to do with you, it was ..." Xander again licked 
his lips. "Buffy said something, and she ... they had a fight, and 
Will left. She's gone to LA."

" But ... what ... why ..." Xander cut her off.

"Look I'll come over, I'll be there in a couple of minutes, ok?" Tara 
sighed audibly across the lines, her breath coming in a shudder.

"O ... ok. I'll just ... yeah all right." And she hung up. Xander 
looked at the cell phone and wondered if he'd done the right thing by 
telling Tara, but he realised, she also deserved to know, SHE 
especially needed to know.

------------------------------

The door opened a crack and Tara peeked out, and closed the door 
again to remove the security chain. Then she pulled the door open and 
closed with Xander, throwing herself into his arms. She'd been crying 
and her face was raw and red.

"What's happened Xander, why did she go, what did they fight about?" 
She pressed herself into his arms and hugged tight. Xander felt a 
little awkward at the sudden contact, but softened and squeezed back. 
He whispered into her hair.

"I don't know Tar, honestly I think it was just ... something 
happened between her and Buffy, and she got upset and left." Tara 
sniffed into his shoulder.

"She didn't even ..."

"No she didn't, she didn't even tell me either. And ..." he stopped 
himself short, he felt terribly let down. For all the years they had 
been friends, she hadn't even told him she was going. He'd know 
something was up, she was upset and the addiction, and all the issues 
that had surfaced recently, but she'd left town without even saying 
good bye to him. After all these years, he felt he deserved at least 
that much.

"I ... uh I think I need to talk with Buffy, because ... because I 
want to find out what they said, what happened ... uh ... why she had 
to go, because ... because ..." Tara's face fell even further. "Oh 
god Xander, I ... I didn't want ... she ... and I, we ... we ... 
Iuh ... I miss her ... so much!" Xander nodded gently and whispered 
into her hair.

"I know, I need to know she's all right too, I think ... I think 
she's heading to Angel's. He'd be all with the caring for her, they 
were pretty good friends in the end, before he left."

"I know ... a way. I can find her, I can track her ..." Xander softly 
shook his head.

"She left for a reason, and I think trying to track her down wouldn't 
be what she wanted right now. She ... she's trying to get her act 
together, get her head straight. We've kinda taken her for granted, 
we ..." and then it occurred to him, and his heart sank. "... oh 
jeeze Tar, she was going through some major heavy stuff and ... and 
we were all so caught up in our own problems to notice. You left 
her ..." Xander felt Tara tense up at his stinging words. "... Anya 
and I were so busy planning this wedding, Buffy was off slaying like 
there was no tomorrow. We ... we didn't even notice half the time 
that there was anything wrong." Xander felt Tara nod on his arm. She 
sniffed and sighed.

"I still want to talk with Buffy. I need to know what they said." 
Xander held her away and looked into her tear filled eyes.

"If you're ready, I'll drive us over there." Tara nodded and rubbed 
the heel of her hand over her eyes, and then gathered up some 
belongings. They filed out of the room and the lock snicked behind 
them, leaving the lonely room in darkness.

---------------------------

Xander let himself into the Summers' house, and saw Buffy in the 
living room. She looked up and smiled.

"Hey Xander nice shiner there, I didn't think Warr ..." Buffy's smile 
faded a little as she noticed Tara sneak in quietly behind Xander, 
standing in his shadow. "Ah ... h ... hey Tara. Good to see you ..." 
something warned her if Tara was tagging along, this would be a time 
of questions and answers. "How's every ... how's things?" Tara wrung 
her hands together and grimaced.

"Ahm ... I uh ... they could ... they could be, ya know ... better. 
I ..." her face fell, she took a deep breath and launched into 
questions "... Xander's told me ... about Willow, uh ... what ha ... 
happened?" Buffy looked from Xander back to Tara, and sighed, sinking 
into a chair and steepling her hands in her lap.

"Will um ... Will left. We ... she had, she took Dawn to this guy, 
this magic guy and she ... they had a car accident. And ... and Dawn 
was hurt, so I ... I told her off. I tried to make her see she was 
endangering Dawn. And ... and she snapped ..." The stinging words 
Willow had uttered had almost cut to the bone. But deep down Buffy 
realised there was much truth in what the red-head had said. She'd 
been so preoccupied with her own problems, she had hardly even 
noticed when Tara had left, she'd barely paid any attention to 
Willow's magick problems, and finally when it all came down to it and 
Dawn was put in danger, the shock of that had triggered the final 
outcome,

But by then Buffy realised, it was all too late. Willow had had 
enough, she of all the Scoobies had always been the one who was 
stable, who held the group together through all the terrors and 
troubles, who provided the stability to them all, and when she was 
the one who really needed their support, nobody had been around to 
help. Willow had been alone, and not only that, the one person she 
loved above all others in the world had abandoned her.

Willow had walked away from all that was dear to her, she had felt 
lost and alone. Her friends had left her to herself to cope with the 
horrible withdrawal from the magicks, to deal with the loss of her 
lover, to realise she would once again be the loser, the loner, the 
misfit she had always believed herself to be, before Buffy had 
befriended her. And all they had done ... was nothing.

The room was silent as the emotions of it all seeped into them, 
Xander hopped from foot to foot, trying to find a comfortable 
position, because everything told him in his heart, this was all 
wrong, they should never have let it get to this, Willow needed them 
and they needed Willow. It was a situation they couldn't allow to 
happen. But to go after her would be to pull her back from whatever 
it was she felt she needed to do. He began to speak but all that came 
out was a croak. He cleared his throat and tried again.

"Wh ... did she ... do you know what she wants to do, in LA I 
mean ... she IS going to Angel ... right?" Buffy looked up at him 
with arched brows, the concern apparent.

"I uuh ... I hope so, I ... kinda worded him up, to take care of her 
when she gets there." She hadn't said to him to tell Willow she 
needed her back, or that she needed her friend so much, it was way 
too late for that. It was time Willow was the one to be looked after, 
and they had to figure out some way they could bring her back, and 
make her realise they hadn't abandoned her, that they had just got 
lost along the way, and that they loved her and ... that they 
would ... make it up to her ... somehow.

Buffy's heart quailed, for the first time since Willow had stepped on 
the Greyhound bus, it finally sank in, Willow was really gone, and 
for the life of her she didn't know if they ... she, if she would be 
able to cope without her good ol' faithful geyser dog.

Tara sat down on the couch, her arms around herself, she had missed 
feeling Willow's arms around her so much, she longed to feel the 
warmth of her embrace again. And now she was gone. She knew how she 
could send her senses after the red-head, but with everything that 
had happened, chasing Willow with magicks was tantamount to 
hypocrisy. She had been the one who had chastised Willow for using 
magick for the wrong reasons, and ... would using her magick to find 
her lover be wrong, could love be a wrong reason, wasn't love 
possibly the only really good reason to use magicks?

Love was such a foreign feeling to Tara, that when it had finally 
happened, when she'd found Willow, the emotion had almost overwhelmed 
her, it had been like a bolt of lightning from a cloudy sky. Willow 
had brought out the very best in Tara. She'd been terribly shy and 
insecure before meeting Willow, and now the only person who had ever 
really mattered was gone, had left her. Willow had abandoned her, but 
had she, hadn't Tara abandoned Willow first?

Tara had over time admitted to herself she had probably over-reacted 
to what had happened between them. Sure she had been mad at Willow 
for using magicks to control her, to stop the bad feelings she had 
begun to have about what had happened. But again, Willow had done it 
out of love, Tara had to acknowledge. She had just gone about it all 
wrong, and instead of talking about it, she'd used the magick to 
suppress the bad memories Tara had, and as a response she'd walked 
out on Willow.

Tara had over their time apart, had many opportunities to question 
what had happened, and what the outcome had been. She had almost come 
to the conclusion that she'd handled the entire episode almost as 
badly as Willow. And the only real solution to it was to confront the 
problems, and face them, fight them, not run away from them. But ... 
Willow was gone now, and her heart cried out, chase her, find her, 
bring her back, make her understand how much she is missed. Tara knew 
that without Willow in her life, she was diminished. The red-head had 
made such a difference to her, that she was no longer the same shy 
insecure girl she had been when they first met, she had made it 
possible for Tara to grow into a confident powerful woman, just by 
being there, being her support, her guide and her lover.

And now Willow was gone ... the horrible thought kept repeating 
itself in her mind over and over, she's gone. She looked at Buffy 
with tear filled eyes, her arms hugging herself tightly like Willow 
had done, like she wanted Willow to be doing right now, this very 
moment.

"Oh Buffy, we have to get her back, she has to come back to me ... 
to ... to us. Can't ... can't we call Angel, can't we tell him to 
bring her back ..." Buffy looked sadly at Tara and shook her head.

"Willow has made a choice, it might not be one we agree with but it's 
something she wants to do. The only one who can bring Willow back to 
us is Willow, we can beg her and ask her and hope she comes to us, 
but when all is said and done, Willow has to want to come back ..." 
Tara closed her eyes and shook her head, refusing to believe.

"No, she left because of us, we didn't ... we ... she ... she needed 
us, and ... and ..." Buffy broke in on the blonde.

"Willow left because of us, yes. But that doesn't mean we can demand 
she returns to us, in fact I will almost be surprised if she does 
come back. At the end of the day, we treated her pretty badly. I just 
yelled at her, you left her, everyone else almost ignored her, I can 
understand if she's pissed with us all." Tara looked up and her 
bottom lip trembled.

"Uhn ... I don't want ... I don't want to live without her Buffy, I 
want her in my life again." Buffy nodded slowly, her own eyes filling 
with mist. She whispered softly.

"I know Tara, I feel almost the same way, I want her back so much. 
When we spoke ... when we fought, she said some things to me that at 
the time seemed harsh and coming simply out of the rage she was 
feeling, the emotions taking over. But it finally dawned on me that 
what she said was absolutely true, we DID take her for granted, and 
right when she needed us, we were too busy to care, too caught up in 
our own little troubles and problems." she tried to see a positive 
side to the whole situation, but couldn't, it all seemed so hopeless 
right now. "We couldn't see she was falling, that she was in so much 
trouble she couldn't escape from without our help and understanding." 
Buffy sighed and held her fingers to her temples, her head filled 
with sadness and confusion. In spite of her own feelings of remorse, 
she tried to defend Willow's actions. "If she feels this is what she 
has to do, then we have no right to stop her. All we can do now is 
hope and pray that she realises how much we really do love her, and 
that we need her and want her and that she comes back to us." Tara 
looked at Buffy through tear filled blue eyes.

"Buffy you don't understand, I don't ... don't want to live without 
her, I ... I don't want to be alone. Willow is ... is everything to 
me, she is my light, and my life. Without her ..." The blonde wicca 
sniffed and her breath hitched as she sighed deeply, her voice 
sinking to a whisper. "... without her, I'm nothing, I was ... 
nothing before I met her. She made me into what I am. And I have come 
to terms with that now, I have finally realised after what happened, 
after I walked ... after I left." She looked deeper into Buffy's 
eyes, desperation plain in their blue depths. Buffy saw complete 
resolve and abandonment. "I will get her back, I have to get her 
back ... or I'll ..." Tara looked away. "... I ... just have to."

----------------------------------------