RoundRobin: Chapter 10 - TheBear

["Jude" <AmberBensonFan@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Disclaimers in Part 1
Visit the MWRR site at: www.megawitches.net/RoundRobin/mwrr.htm

Chapter 10
By TheBear!

It had been three days since Buffy had encountered Spike on her 
nightly security patrol. Her immediate thought after her shift ended 
that morning was to find Tara and confess all, begging for 
forgiveness. But, when she got home, Tara had been napping on the 
couch, actually asleep for once, and Buffy couldn't bring herself to 
wake the exhausted witch, knowing she'd been unable to sleep much 
lately. Then when she herself woke up that afternoon, Dawn had been 
home, and it just didn't feel like the right time.  

Finally after the second day of having her sleep interrupted by 
nightmares of Spike treating Tara and or Willow to the horrors she 
had allowed him to visit on herself, she couldn't wait any longer.  
She realized that she'd been finding any excuse to put it off, and 
with that self-revelation came the understanding that; if she wanted 
to change her life, she'd have to force herself to make it happen.  
It would never get any easier.

So, before racking out that morning, she'd asked Tara to meet her for 
a late lunch after her classes. She had also set up a Scooby meeting 
at the Magic Box after Dawn got off of school. First Tara, then the 
rest of the Scooby gang. She knew it was going to be one of the 
hardest things she ever did; she knew Xander especially was going to 
lose it when she told them about her tryst with Spike; but it would 
be impossible for any of them to move on until she was able to put 
Spike- and the emotional turmoil that led to, and surrounded, that 
relationship- behind her.

Buffy took the time to make herself up a little bit, not wearing a 
lot of makeup, but enough to hide some of the effects of her 
prolonged depression. She was resolving to be positive and happy 
with her life, she couldn't look the sad waif any longer. She styled 
her now shorter hair, and chose an outfit in lighter colors- some 
white Capri pants that used to fit like a glove, but now were a 
little loose, and a pink satin shell that she hadn't worn since they 
brought her back.

She felt a pang at that thought. Her memories of heaven, or wherever 
she'd been, were pretty much gone, but she still had a lingering 
sense of peace, warmth and joy. She quickly shook off the melancholy 
that threatened to shroud her once again. She was going to be happy, 
she was happy- things were better now than they had been for a while, 
even before she died.  

The only exception to Buffy's newfound happiness was the absence of 
her Willow. "God, Will? I miss you so much." She thought. She had 
to shake off that thought before she started to cry. "I've cried 
enough for you Willow. What I need to do now, is get you back."

Before she could get wrapped up in her thoughts and fears again, she 
jumped up, put on a pair of strappy white sandals and left to go meet 
her roommate for lunch.

*****

Tara walked into the restaurant and almost smiled at the smells that 
assailed her. She breathed deep, savoring the smell of garlic and 
tomato and oregano that filled the air. She wondered why Buffy had 
wanted to meet here, not that the Macaroni Grill was overly expensive 
or anything, but it was not the budget kind of place they had been 
eating at, when they ate out at all. On the other hand, it was a 
nice change, and now Buffy's job gave her a little more money for the 
occasional extra.

She did smile at that, glad that she could help her friend out in 
that way. She shuddered to think of Buffy Summers, savior of the 
world several times over, dressed in that terrible orange uniform and 
the hat with chicken wings on it. It wouldn't have been right for 
someone like Buffy to be flipping burgers? it just didn't fit. Being 
a security guard might not be a particularly glamorous or highly 
respected job, but it was much more suited to her. "Basically, now 
she gets paid to do what she normally did anyway- patrol."

Tara's musings were interrupted by when the hostess greeted and asked 
if she was alone.

"N- no. I'm meeting someone?" she started.

"Oh, you must be Tara?" the hostess asked. "Buffy described you, 
I'll take you to her."

Tara blinked in surprise, "Do you know Buffy?" she asked.

The hostess smiled a secretive smile, "Not so much know? we went to 
the same high school? we both graduated the same year," she said as 
if testing Tara's knowledge.

It took her a moment, and then she realized the significance of 
that. "Oh! Graduation, I understand," Tara said, nodding her head.

The hostess began leading Tara to the back of the restaurant. "I? we 
all owe her our lives for that day," she said reverently.

It was strange for Tara to meet someone, outside of the Scooby gang, 
who actually knew about Buffy. It was nice that other people 
remembered and were thankful for the amazing things she did; she knew 
she herself was extremely grateful.

As they got to the back, the hostess gesture to the door to the 
patio. Tara could see Buffy through the window, she looked? 
amazing.  

"Well, there she is," the hostess said.

Tara gave herself a little shake and turned back to say thank you, 
when she was distracted by the hostess staring intently at her face, 
her head tilted slightly as though she was considering something.  
Feeing immediately self conscious, she asked, "W- what's wrong?"

The hostess shook her head, "Nothing, just? the way Buffy described 
you. She's definitely right."

Tara thought Buffy must have described her as the mousy shy girl that 
looks like she's afraid of everything around her. At least that's 
how Tara had been thinking of herself since she found out Willow had 
left. All the improvements she'd made seemed to evaporate without 
Willow in her life. Nonetheless, her curiosity overwhelmed her 
shyness and she asked, "W- what did she s- say?"

The hostess smiled and said, "She told me to look for `a pretty blond 
girl with the biggest bedroom eyes you ever saw'." She almost 
laughed at the way the blond in question gaped at her. She 
said, "Enjoy your lunch!" and then turned and walked away.

*****

Buffy was basking in the sun on the patio, enjoying the warmth. She 
had spent most of her daylight hours sleeping and moping around 
indoors lately, and it was nice to take a minute to relax in the 
sunshine for once. She noticed that she'd gotten kinda pale in the 
last few months and resolved to spend more time out in the sun from 
now on.

She turned to look back into the restaurant and noticed the hostess 
just leaving Tara. Buffy tried to remember her name, "Jennifer, I 
think." She recalled that the girl had been part of the `graduation' 
party that had fought off the Mayor's vampire platoon with Xander 
while she had battled the Mayor. Buffy waved when Tara didn't move 
right away to join her on the patio, wondering what was wrong. Tara 
seemed to snap out of her trance when she waved. At least she shook 
her head a little and came out the door to join her.

*****

Tara had blushed mightily when the hostess had told her what Buffy 
said. "Buffy said that? About ME?" she thought frantically. She 
felt a sudden rush of confusion, embarrassment, even a little fear.  
She tried to ignore the jolt of arousal that accompanied all of the 
other feelings. When she saw Buffy wave, she realized she'd been 
standing there, staring at her. She gave herself a shake and went 
out to join her friend.

She notice again that Buffy was looking? really nice. Different than 
how she had been since? "Since we yanked her out of heaven," she 
thought.

"Hi Tara!" Buffy said as she got up and gave the taller blond a big 
hug.  

As Buffy sat back down, Tara took a seat, saying, "Buffy, h- hi. Um, 
you l- look?"

Buffy laughed. She supposed her behavior was pretty shocking given 
how mopy she'd been for so long now. "Shocking, I know. No black 
anywhere!"

Confused, but glad to see a smiling, laughing Buffy, she said, "N- 
no! I was going to s- say `nice'."

Buffy smiled again some more at that. "Thanks!" she quipped as she 
handed Tara a menu. "Here. I can't decide between the Chicken 
Piccata and the Chicken Marsala, what do you think?" she said, 
deciding to put off serious conversation until after they ate.

Tara sensed that Buffy wasn't ready to talk about whatever it was on 
her mind yet, so she just went with the flow. "I like the eggplant 
parmesan," she said, giggling when she saw Buffy wrinkle her nose.

"I don't know, Tara. I'm not a big fan of eggplant. I mean, what 
the heck is eggplant? Ok, it's shaped kinda like an egg- I get that- 
but what chicken lays purple eggs?"

Tara giggled and they continued to have an amusing, but meaningless, 
conversation all through lunch.

*****

*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*

"Dammit Andrew! Go the hell away. I told you, I'm not interested!"  
Warren shouted at his door.

*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*

"God, you're like a little puppy! I don't care what you think in 
your twisted little brain! I am not the love of your life!" he 
shouted. "Annoying little fagot!" he muttered.

*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*

"That's it! I am seriously gonna kick your ass!" he yelled as he got 
up off the couch and stomped over to the door. He yanked it open, 
ready to lambaste the person on the other side, when he was stopped 
short. It wasn't Andrew, it was some guy in a black suit- with a 
black shirt, and black tie. It looked very expensive; also, very 
wannabe Darth Vader.

"Warren Mears?" the man asked, his voice bland and devoid of any 
emotion- yet somehow chilling.

"Who's asking?" Warren said, pretending to be unimpressed with his 
visitor, despite the fact he was wearing a stained t-shirt and a pair 
of star wars boxer shorts.

The guy handed him a business card, also black with gold lettering.  
It said `Wolfram Hart, attorneys at law' and below that 
simply `Damien Bester' and there was a phone number. He said, "My 
employers would like to retain your services, Mr. Mears.

"You're a lawyer?" Warren asked, wondering what the hell a bunch of 
legal eagles wanted with him.

"No." 

Warren blinked at that. This guy was giving him the serious 
creeps. "Why should I?" he started to ask, when the guy tossed what 
looked like a black doctors bag onto the floor next to him.

"That's half. You get the other half when you're done." 

Warren paused only a second before kneeling down and opening the 
bag. Inside were stacks of cash. He pulled a few out at random and 
flipped through them- all hundreds. He looked up and the guy 
answered his question before he could even ask it.

"One hundred twenty-five thousand. One quarter million total, when 
the job is done."

"What's the job?" Warren asked.

"Does it matter?"

Warren stood up and looked into the guy's eyes for a second. They 
also were black. "Not really, I guess," he said.

Mr. Bester smiled for the first time since Warren had opened the 
door. It wasn't pretty- black gums with little pointy black 
teeth. "There's a vampire with a chip in his head that keeps him 
from hurting humans?"

"So *that's* what it does! No wonder he didn't want to tell us!" 
Warren thought excitedly. "You want it out?" he asked.

"No. They want to be able to control it."

Warren smiled. "They want to be able to control *him*" he said, 
smirking. It's what he would have done if he had the chance.

"Yes. Find him, then call that number when he is ready to be picked 
up."

"You want me to convince him that you'll take the chip out?" Warren 
asked, imagining he already knew the answer. "What if he won't 
agree?"

"Be persuasive. You have forty-eight hours." 

*****

They had finished eating and had about an hour before they needed to 
be at the Magic Box. Tara smiled a genuine smile at Buffy. She 
hadn't been this carefree since? "Buffy?"

Buffy saw the smile on Tara's face diminish, though not go away 
entirely. "What is it, Tara?"

"D- don't get me wrong, Buffy. This was n- nice?" she started, not 
sure how to explain without sounding ill-mannered.

"But, you want to know why." Buffy said.

Tara just nodded.

Buffy felt her heart speed up a little bit now that the moment was 
truly upon her. She knew this was going to be the less unpleasant 
conversation compared to the one to take place at the Magic Box, but 
she still felt the fear trickling down her spine. She took a deep 
breath and began to speak.

"I want to tell you some things, Tara. Some of them are bad." She 
dropped her eyes and quietly said, "really bad."  

Tara instinctively reached out and took Buffy's hand, whispering, "Y- 
you can tell me a- anything, Buffy."

Buffy smiled up at this dear, sweet woman who had helped her so much 
in the last few weeks, just by being there, just by 
understanding. "I know I can, Tara. That's just one of the many 
things I have to thank you for." She cut off Tara's protest, "But, 
first?" Another deep breath. "I've been behaving badly? since I 
came back? I? I think a lot of why Willow left is my fault. I- I was 
so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself, I ignored the problems she 
was having."

Tara interrupted, "Buffy! That's not your fault, you were going 
through a lot!"

Buffy squeezed Tara's hand, she brought up her free hand so that she 
was holding Tara's hand between her own hands. "I was? I was going 
through a bad time. But, instead of coming to my friends for help, 
instead of seeing their pain and trying to help them? I?"

Tara could almost see the guilt and pain Buffy was trying to break 
through like it was a physical wall. She couldn't help, so she just 
gave Buffy the moment she needed to marshal her thoughts and get 
through it.

Another deep, shuddering breath, then Buffy continued, "Instead of 
coming to you guys, I went to Spike?"

Whatever reaction she expected, she didn't get it. Buffy looked up 
at Tara's face and instead of revulsion, she saw confusion. "God, 
make it harder why don't you," she thought exasperatedly.  

"You went to Spike? And that's bad?" Tara asked. She thought Spike 
was harmless, and he'd been pretty good about looking after Dawn?

Buffy said, "I used him? I let him use me?"

"Oh," Tara said, taking a second to understand the 
ramifications? "OH! Used him, used him. I get it." She shook her 
head after a moment, "And that helped?"

Buffy ruefully chuckled, "No. Not at all. It made me feel worse."

Tara was a little shocked that Buffy would do that with Spike of all 
people, but she wasn't mad, how could she be? She did feel extremely 
disappointed, for some reason. She chastised herself for that, "It's 
not my place to tell Buffy who she can have sex with!" To Buffy she 
said, "You're not still?" the hurt in her voice surprised her.

Buffy expected the hurt, frankly she expected anger, and was confused 
when it didn't come. She answered Tara's question quickly, though; 
wanting to reassure her. "No! Absolutely no! It's been? a while, 
and a few days ago he came on to me, while I was on patrol. I told 
him in no uncertain terms that it was over and I even told him that 
he wasn't welcome in Sunnydale anymore," she said with a little 
satisfaction in her voice. She'd been proud of herself for standing 
up to him, not succumbing to any depression or self loathing.

"Well, that's good, right?" Tara asked, still bewildered by her 
feelings on the whole situation.

"I think it's a start," Buffy said. She ducked her head until she 
had caught Tara's eyes with her own before continuing. "Tara? Will 
you? do you think you can? forgive me?"

Tara was again surprised. What had Buffy done that she needed Tara's 
forgiveness for? She was one of the ones who had dragged her out of 
heaven and then not noticed how hard it was for her. She was the one 
who had abandoned Willow, and sure, ok, forgetfulness spell and all, 
but she still shouldn't have left; she should have stayed and worked 
through it with Willow. Instead, she'd abandoned her. She was lost 
in her own self-recrimination and forgot Buffy for a moment.

"Tara, I need to know that I? I can make this right between us. What 
can I do?" her voice was quiet and full of fear. She thought Tara 
was going to tell her that she couldn't forgive her.

"Oh, gosh Buffy! I didn't m- mean to leave you h- hanging, I was 
just? I think I was the one that chased Willow away, and? I mean we 
tore you out of h- heaven and all?" 

Buffy smiled. Self-blame, how well she knew that feeling. "How about 
we split the responsibility on Willow leaving, and I'll forgive you 
for that, and tearing me out of heaven, if you'll forgive me for 
ignoring Willow's problems until they exploded all over all of us, 
sleeping with Spike, and generally being a bad friend?"

"I? uh? o- ok?" Tara stuttered out. "But, for the record, I don't 
think you're a b- bad friend. You've been great to me," she said 
with a shy smile.

Buffy smiled again, relieved that Tara didn't hate her for the whole 
Spike debacle. She hoped Xander would be able to forgive her 
eventually. She didn't kid herself that it would be nearly as 
easy. "I'm glad you think so, Tara. Having you move in? I think you 
saved me. You're there for me when I'm hurting over Willow- you 
understand how it feels?" she shook her head, not wanting to re-enter 
the sadness zone right now. "And you got me the job with Securitas, 
which is so much better than that fast food job was going to be, and 
I don't just mean the money. And, you've been great helping with 
Dawn, and taking care of the house and? just so much. Thank you!" 
she squeezed Tara's hand tight, trying to make sure she conveyed her 
gratitude to her good friend.

Tara was choked up. No one but Willow had ever made her feel so 
needed or important. It meant a lot to her that Buffy felt this way.

"I feel so close to you lately, Tara. I? Thank you for being there 
for me, and letting me be there for you." Buffy said, the heartfelt 
sentiment clearly evident in her voice and on her face.

Tara blushed and ducked her head at the intensity of emotion from the 
Slayer. She felt a warm shiver of emotion herself. She said, "I 
don't know that I s- saved you?" she continued before Buffy could 
protest, "But, if I- I did, it's only fair. You saved me first."

Buffy cocked her head, "What do you mean?"

Tara couldn't help but smile at the look of Buffy's face. She looked 
so cute when she was confused. Tara had always thought that, but 
suddenly it felt weird to verbalize it, as it were, even in her 
head. She shook it off, getting to the point. "When my father and b-
brother came t- t- to take me? away, and I al- almost got everyone k-
killed?"

"Tara?" Buffy remembered that night with anger to this day. Those 
pitiful excuses for human beings? they made Tara believe she was a 
demon, and obviously there was physical abuse involved too. She 
could tell from the way Tara was so skittish and shied away from them-
that was pure fear. She'd wanted for Mr. Mclay to make a move on 
her so badly that she could taste it! She had really wanted to hurt 
him, something she'd never felt towards another human before, or 
since- though Parker had been close.

"You said I was family?"

"You are family, Tara!" Buffy interjected.

Tara smiled that same joyful smile she'd had that night. "You've 
made me feel like that, like family, ever since then?"

Buffy couldn't resist it anymore. She stood up and pulled Tara into 
her arms for a hug. "I love you, Tara. And I'm going to get our 
Willow back. And then we'll be a real family again!" she said firmly.

The girls hugged for several moments, both taking comfort in each 
other's friendship. Finally Buffy broke the hug, saying, "Come on.  
It's time for me to face the music."

Tara chuckled, "I'm sure it won't be *that* bad."

Buffy rolled her eyes, "Yeah, Xander might forgive me before the turn 
of the next century?"

Neither one of them gave it a passing thought as they instinctively 
held hands while walking out of the restaurant. After all, friends 
hold hands all the time, right?

*****

The conversation with the Scoobies was going about like Buffy had 
thought it would. She said pretty much what she'd said to Tara at 
lunch- right up till where she'd slept with Spike.

"I was feeling worthless, and he made me feel?"

"What? Better? Screwing the soulless demon made you feel better?" 
Xander shouted. "Is that it, Buffy? `Cause I don't get it?"

"NO!" Buffy shouted, crying her eyes out. "No! He didn't make me 
feel better, he made me feel? horrible, dirty and degraded. I 
thought I deserved it. I felt like nothing! And Spike made me feel 
like that's what I deserved."

Xander sat down, his rage burnt out into bewildered sadness. "Why?" 
he asked, shaking his head. "I don't? Why didn't you come to one of 
us?"

"BECAUSE I HATED YOU!" Buffy screamed at the top of her lungs. She 
collapsed to her knees on the floor, crying harder still. "Don't you 
get it? You, Tara, Willow, Anya? I blamed you for tearing me out of 
heaven. For making me face everything I thought I had escaped. And 
then for making me lie about it to make you feel better!"

Tara sat there, silent tears running down her face as they revisited 
this topic. Somehow the pain still felt all fresh and new every time 
it was brought up, even though she and Buffy had made their peace 
with each other over it.

"Um, hated" Anya emphasized the `ed' in hated. "Hated, as in past 
tense?" She looked at Xander and then back at Buffy. "You don't 
hate us any more, right?" Turning again to Xander- who had his arms 
crossed tightly over his chest and his own tears filling his eyes- 
she babbled, "Because, Slayer, hatred, Slayer strength smashing what 
she hates? I don't want to be smashed, Xander! We're supposed to get 
married, and the photos will be terrible if we're all smashed up, 
and, and, the colors! They don't match with black and blue at all!  
We'd have to change all the colors and?"

"Ahn!" Xander stopped her. Turning to Buffy he tried to 
apologize, "Buff, we thought? We would never? If we had known?"

Buffy waved him off, saying "Xander, I forgave you guys already.  
There's no way you could have known where I ended up." Buffy wiped 
the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. "But that's why I 
didn't go to you. I hated you, and I hated myself even worse. And 
what better way to punish myself than to degrade myself with my sworn 
enemy?"

"Do you still want to go back?" Dawn asked- the first words she'd 
spoken since Buffy began her `apology'

Buffy wanted to grab her sister and hug her tightly, but she could 
see from Dawn's posture; she could hear from the brittle tone in 
Dawn's voice, that the girl would not accept that right now. She 
settled for meeting Dawn's steely gaze with her own penitent 
one. "No, Dawn? I couldn't go away again, not knowing that I'd be 
leaving you behind," she turned to look at each of the Scoobies, even 
Anya, "I couldn't stand to leave any of you again."

Dawn was not appeased, "Because you're the Slayer, right? You have 
to protect us cause it's your job, right?"

Buffy could tell there was going to have to be some private groveling 
on her part before Dawn would forgive her. But, she answered the 
question as well as she could. She stood up and once again met her 
gaze, "It is my job, Dawn. But, that's not the reason why. I need 
to be with you because I love you. I love all you guys, and it would 
kill me to lose any of you. I don't just need to protect you for 
your sake, Dawn. I need to do it for my sake too."

Buffy once again looked at everyone in the room. "I? I'm asking you 
all to forgive me for being a bad friend, for being a bad sister, for 
making bad decisions that hurt you all as well as myself. I want to 
do better. I want to be better," she said sincerely.

Anya said, "Ok. I accept your apology and forgive you for being a 
bad friend." She looked around, smiling with pride at her 
helpfulness. "I eagerly anticipate you being a better friend going 
forward!"

Buffy had to laugh. It was either laugh at Anya or kill her, and she 
didn't really want to kill her- most of the time anyway. "Thank you 
Anya," She said. She then looked at Xander, hoping against hope that 
he could get past his anger. She knew he would eventually, but she 
really wanted today to be a fresh start, as much as possible.

Xander wanted to be mad. The thought of Buffy and deadboy jr. made 
him violently ill. But he could see that it made her sick too. He'd 
never understand it, but at least this time she realized that she'd 
been insane. "I think? in this case? the crime pretty much was the 
punishment. And, I think none of us really paid enough attention to 
see how much you were hurting, so we all should have done better too."

Buffy smiled, taking that as a yes. She turned to Tara, who had 
already forgiven her, and stopped; captured for a moment by the 
witch's exquisite eyes. She just smiled as Tara nodded her head.

Buffy turned at last to her sister.  

Dawn wanted to be pissed off, but part of her felt she was just being 
petty. She'd see if Buffy was going to walk the talk this time. She 
nodded her head once, then asked, "What about Willow?"

Buffy's smile faltered. She said, "I want her back. I need? we need 
her back. But, maybe? for me at least? her leaving was a big enough 
slap in the face to wake me up, to snap me out of it. I mean I told 
Spike we were through. Tara got me a job that actually pays a 
little, and doesn't make me feel like a complete loser. Bills are 
getting paid on time? Tara's back in the house? You're doing better 
in school? and I'm not constantly in fear that social services is 
going to take you away. Now all I need is Willow, and everything 
will be good. As good as it gets in Sunnydale, anyway."

"So what are we going to do?" Xander asked.

"I talked to Angel. He thinks she's ready, maybe not to come home, 
but to at least know that we want her back. He said she was so full 
of self hatred when she got there a few weeks ago, that she wouldn't 
accept that anyone could ever care for her again."

Everyone except Anya was near tears at that point. Tara was openly 
weeping and Buffy walked over to her and wrapped her up in a hug.  
After a moment she went on, though she continue to hold Tara in a 
loose embrace as she spoke. "Believe it or not, he says that 
Cordelia has been helping her feel better."

Xander raised both fists up to shoulder height with both index 
fingers pointing straight up, as if to emphasize his point, "Wait a 
minute! We are talking about Cordelia *Chase* here, right?"

Buffy nodded her head. "Yeah, that's pretty much what I said.  
Anyway, he thinks we should write her letters, or emails anyway, 
telling her we love her and want her back."

Xander nodded, "We can do that! That's good, right? We should do 
that!"

Tara spoke up. "I- I think we need to b- be sure we don't discount 
the p- problems we had, though."

Buffy nodded and glanced over at Dawn, "It's ok to be angry with the 
things she did. She made mistakes that we will have to forgive her 
for. But we, or at least I certainly screwed up big-time; and I'm 
gonna tell her everything and beg her to forgive me and come back."

Tara was weeping again as she nodded her head vigorously. "I n- need 
her to come back!," she sniffled back a sob. "I miss her so much!"

Xander, Anya and Dawn all looked at the two girls strangely when 
Buffy once again pulled the blond witch tightly to her, unconsciously 
stroking her hair and whispering, "We both do, Tara? we both do."

*****