[no subject]

[Kimber <kacoe@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

TITLE: Book Five: The Roads Series - These Roads We Travel (1/?)

AUTHORr: Kimber (kacoe@xxxxxxxxxxx)

DISCLAIMER: All BTVS characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant
Enemy. Grrr, argh.

DISTRIBUTION:

SPOILERS: Everything is fair game.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: The more feedback I get the more I'll post..nuff
said. flashbacks are enclosed in { } Thoughts enclosed in < >



-----------



She's just. . .amazing. Every time I see her and catch a glimpse of
that red hair and those fiery green eyes, it reminds me. . .of what I
lost.



She's sleeping now. And here I am again like most nights, watching
over her. Keeping her safe and sound. The nightmares still won't go
away. She wakes in a cold sweat every night screaming my name,
screaming her name. . and there's nothing I can do about it. No way
to ease the pain or even make it disappear.



I'm trapped in my own hell too, though having lived for so long, I can
deal with it, push it down, swallow the words. The words that want to
leap from my throat almost every minute of every hour of every day I'
ve spent without her by my side.



She's stirring again and I place the washcloth on her forehead and
touch her cheek and stroke her crimson hair. Just as I've done every
night for the past six months. Does it ever get any easier? Is there
ever going to be a time when she'll sleep through the night again?
Feel safe again? Smile again?



I sigh and go to the window. Dawn is approaching. The sun is
beginning to break through the inky darkness and I close my eyes,
realizing that it's today. *The* day is today. One day at a time.
That's what everyone keeps telling me, but that only makes me keep
count of all the days leading up to this day. . .and all the hours in
between.



I loved. . .correction *love* her.. With everything I am, everything
I feel and know, and some things I still don't understand. . I love
her and live for her. That's the only thing that keeps me going, even
now.



She's whimpering in her sleep again, and I rush to her side knowing
full well what's to come. She struggles harder, more violently, and
all I can do is sit back and wait.



She sits bolt upright in the bed, clutching the blankets. "Mom, no!!"
She looks around and sees me and drops her head in embarrassment.
"Will it ever end?" She mumbles.



I reach out and touch her cheek with my hand. Slowly she raises her
head and looks at me with that lopsided smile I know all too well.
She kisses the palm of my hand and traces some of the old scars there
on my arm. I smile because the look on her face is as if she's
committing each wound to memory and plotting vengeance for them. Her
green eyes lock on my own hazel ones and she scrunches her eyebrows in
concentration.



"It's today. You know. . .*the* day. Well, of course you know, how
could you forget I mean not that you're forgetful or anything, don't
get me wrong but, you know, it could have slipped your mind or
something not that you'd ever forget about-"



I cut her babble off with the tip of my finger. "I know."



She smiles sadly. "It'll never get easier, will it?"



"It may with time." I push some hair away from her face. "And with
each other." I get up knowing that she's not going to put up with the
bonding session much longer. As I reach for the door she stops me.
"Hey, Buff?"



"Yes, Laurel?" I turn and try to give her a brave smile.



"I know. . how much you love her still and, as much as I miss her, I
know you miss her more and it hurts you more and you cry sometimes
when you think I'm not watching. And if you need me to, you know. .
talk or whatever-"

"I know." I nod and smile at her. "It's a little easier with you
here. You remind me of her and you look like her and even babble like
her." We both laugh at that. "And I love you in a way that I can't
even explain." I shrug at a loss for words.



She gives me a perplexed look. "So it doesn't hurt you? With me
being around? Cause I know how much I look like her and I would think
that it bothered you and-"

"Never, Laurel. You have the face of the one person who brought me
happiness - the face of your mother - how could that ever bother me?"
I smile again and reach for the door before I have a total mental
breakdown. "Get dressed, I'll make breakfast. Uncle Xander will be
here around nine."



"He's up before noon?"



I chuckled. "Laurel. You know how he gets. What he does is very
important and-"



"I know, Buff. I'll be nice to him. Promise."



-----------



"Where am I?" This thought rattled around Willow's head as she looked
at the scene before her. She knew where she was, but not really. She
was sitting outside of a small café, sipping a mocha and watching the
crowd shuffle by. She was in Paris.



As pleasant as the surroundings were, she wasn't able to enjoy it at
all. She missed Buffy, Laurel and Xander and wished they were with
her. She smiled sadly to herself knowing how much Laurel would love
to be in Paris. She was a typical teenager, and Willow could picture
her going from boutique to boutique putting a serious strain on her
credit card.



Buffy. Willow knew she would fall in love with this place the moment
she saw it. The aesthetics of the surroundings, the architecture of
the old buildings, the gardens and parks. She smiled to herself again
picturing herself and Buffy laying in the grass having a picnic near
the Eiffel Tower. Buffy would feed her strawberries dipped in fudge
and neither of them would care about the stares they got from the
passer-bys. Buffy would remark that they were just jealous to see two
people so completely in love with each other.



"Why so sad?"



"I miss my family." Willow remarked.



"I'm sorry to hear that. Have you been away from them long?"



She sighed. "I don't know."



"Seems to me that they're only as far away as you make them. At least
that's what I've always thought."

"They're. . .they're in here always." Willow placed her hand over her
heart. "But. . " She trailed off.



"You wish they were here, physically. I understand that all too
well."



Willow had been staring off in the distance, but brought herself back
and looked around her immediate surroundings. There was no one there.
"Um, where are you?"



"Oh, I'm here. You just don't want to see me yet." The voice, male,
took on a knowing tone.



"That's weird. Why wouldn't I want to see someone I'm talking to?"



"Well, you may not be ready, or you might need more time to adjust.
One can never tell with this sort of thing. I miss my family too, and
my friends. It's been such a long time since I've seen them."



"Why? I mean, can't you call them or something?"



He laughed. "They're too far away. I can't reach them." A slight
sadness touched his voice. "They've been far away for a long time
now."

Willow nodded knowingly and looked off into the distance again. Two
young girls were running around, playing tag - much to the
dissatisfaction of the adults trying to walk by. She smiled and
remembered playing tag with Buffy and Laurel in Weatherbey park.



"Fond memory?" He asked.



"Yes. My daughter, Laurel. She used to love to play tag in the park.
And Buffy and Xander would join in. We must have looked like a bunch
of fools, playing tag with a ten year old, but we didn't care. She
was so beautiful back then, beautiful and innocent."



"Ah, so you have a daughter. You must miss her."

Willow nodded. "I hate being away from her. She's nineteen now.
When I think about all the trouble I got into when I was nineteen it
just makes me want to lock her in the house till she's thirty." She
laughed.



"Trouble maker, were you?"



"No, not really. I was a big geek at that age. I didn't have many
friends at all. Just one. . .no, two. Two very good friends that I
grew up with. Then Buffy transferred to Sunnydale, that's where I'm
from by the way, and she had an . . .interesting hobby. We got
involved with it and, well, it was dangerous but - it was for a good
cause." Willow looked down at her hands. She fingered the gold band
on her ring finger and closed her eyes. "I wouldn't trade it for
anything ever."



"Sounds like you and your two friends must have loved her a lot to
risk your lives with her, um, hobby."

Willow nodded. "Xander and I loved her a lot. And Jesse? Well,
Jesse never got the chance to really know her. He was. . .killed by
vampires. But I know he would have loved her too."

"I'm sorry you lost him. To uh, vampires?"



"Oh, um. . oops?" She looked up and smiled at him sheepishly.
"Sorry, I got so carried away with my story that I totally forgot.
You probably think I'm some kind of nut now. Talking about vampires.
Sheesh."

"No, not at all. I'm sure they exist. I mean, how else can you
explain all the sudden deaths from 'mysterious blood loss'." He made
quotation marks in the air with his fingers. "Besides, I've heard a
lot of stories like yours. Nothing surprises me anymore. I'm
existing surprise free these days. Really."

Willow smiled at him. "No matter how hard we fought or how many times
we won, I think Buffy was always trying to make up for loosing Jesse
those first few weeks she was in Sunnydale. She knew how much he
meant to Xander and I and it hurt her that he was one of the ones she
couldn't save." Willow smiled to herself a little. "Xander would
probably say, 'Damn vampires. They're such sneaky and unpredictable
things.' Only if he said it, it would be much funnier. He was always
trying to lighten the mood." She closed her eyes again. "I miss
Jesse. I guess in a way, I started helping Buffy to make sure, you
know, that him dying. . .that it wasn't for nothing. It was for
something. A good cause."



"I'm sure he didn't blame you or your friends. He knew things were
going on that no one else could see. Everyone did, but the difference
was that you and your friends paid attention to it and took care of
it - and without taking any credit."



Willow squinted at him. He was. . .fuzzy. That was the best way to
describe it. Like someone took a huge lens and twisted it out of
focus only on him. She could see the outline of his body but. . .she
rubbed her eyes and blinked a few times. This made him laugh.



"You want to see me. Don't you?" He reached his hand out and placed
it on her own. "Everything you want to see, everything you want to
know is right in front of you. All you have to do is open your eyes a
little wider."



She stared at him intently and focused on wanting to see him, being
desperate to see him.



"I know you blame yourself, even now, but you shouldn't." His voice
took on a sad tone. "Things just. . .happen, Willow. Things that
nobody ever has control over, and that's just the way it is." He
squeezed her hand reassuringly. "You need to know that. . .you're
fighting on a daily basis, putting your life on the line, killing the
baddies - none of it was in vain." He took a deep breath and
whispered. "I didn't die in vain."



She gasped and the tears that had been threatening to surface finally
spilled over as he came into sharp focus in front of her. He stood
the same time she did, and she fell into his arms sobbing openly. She
clung to him, stroked his hair, kissed his cheek and finally managed
to croak out between sobs, "Jesse."



-----------



"Xander." Buffy breathed.



He stood in the doorway to her home and bobbed his head in
acknowledgement the way that only Xander could. "Hey, Buffy. Where's
my girl?"



"Getting dressed." She smiled and stepped aside to allow him access
to the house, then hugged him as soon as she closed the door. "It's
so great to see you, especially-" She stopped herself and hugged him
even tighter.



"I know." He whispered into her hair.



"Uncle Xander, is that you?" Laurel called from upstairs.



He smiled. "The one and only!" He looked down at Buffy. "God, she
sounds more and more like Willow every day."



Buffy nodded somewhat sadly and retreated to the kitchen.



Just then, the redheaded teen bounded down the stairs and jumped into
her uncle's arms. "Whoa, Laurel." He tried to regain his balance.
"You're getting so big. Let me take a look at you." He held her at
arms length for inspection.



"I think I grew two inches from last time you saw me, Xand-man." She
smiled.



He narrowed his eyes at her playfully. "Xand-man, huh? Lemme guess.
. .Faith's been by recently."

"Yup!! She took me shopping in L.A. for new clothes for school and we
went to the Chinese Theatre and then to Rodeo Drive and," She looked
around conspiratorially and dropped her voice to just above a whisper.
"She even bought me a pair of leather pants for when we go out on
patrol."

"I take it you're whispering cause Buffy doesn't know yet." He
whispered back.



Laurel shrugged and headed toward the kitchen. "I'm not worried about
it, Uncle Xander. Everything's five by five." She smiled at him and
disappeared through the kitchen door.



Xander shook his head in disapproval, but couldn't help chuckle a bit.



---------



Buffy, Laurel and Xander finished up breakfast and were washing the
dishes together. It was almost the perfect family scene, except one
important person was missing. Willow.



Buffy stepped back and watched Laurel and Xander finish up. She
remembered a time not long ago when the four of them would do this
every time Xander came over for dinner. It would usually end in a
water fight, which usually sent Willow into 'resolve-face' mode in
record time. They'd get scooted out of the kitchen while she cleaned
up the mess, then she would bring them all ice pops and they'd sit on
the front porch watching the night go by.



It was such a simpler time back then. Buffy frowned. <Back then?>
In reality, it was only six short months ago but now it felt like a
lifetime. She was shaken from her thoughts by the sound of a loud
motor right outside the house. She knew it could only mean one thing
as she watched Laurel's eyes go wide with delight.



"Faith!" Laurel yelled from the window as she waved at the Dark
Slayer. She smiled wider when Faith beckoned to her to come outside.



"Jacket." Buffy reminded her.



Laurel stopped in her tracks, ran to the living room, grabbed the
beaten up old leather jacket Faith gave her and ran outside.



Buffy enjoyed the silence for a few moments and leaned back against
Xander. They watched as Faith showed Laurel the ins and outs of the
motorcycle, and Laurel stood there listening intently. Buffy noticed
that she began to ask Faith questions, and as soon as Faith started to
answer, Laurel pulled a small pad and pen out of her jacket.



"Looks like Faith is in trouble now." Xander commented.



"Yup." Buffy smiled. "After all, Laurel is the daughter of the one
and only research queen. Willow taught her well." A tear trailed
down Buffy's cheek.



"I know that tone, Buff. You taught her lots of things too." Xander
tightened his grip on her waist a little in reassurance.



Buffy was about to comment when she heard Laurel say to Faith, "That's
wicked cool! Can I try?"



"Uh oh." Buffy and Xander said in unison as they went outside to stop
any of the ideas the redhead may have just come up with.



--------



Rupert Giles woke in the morning feeling all of his sixty plus years.
He yawned and padded his way to the bathroom to begin his morning
ritual. Showered, shaved and dressed, he grabbed his trusty walking
cane from beside the bed and headed downstairs.



In the forefront of his mind, he knew what today was and knew what was
to come. He'd spend the day alone in quiet refection, perhaps go
through an old photo album or two, check on impending prophesies, then
there would be a knock on the door. He would get up to answer it,
only to have the joy of his life be impatient as always and burst
through it with a resounding 'Papa' before falling into his arms and
showering him with kisses. Laurel. His precious 'granddaughter',
with the smell of youth surrounding her and life behind those soulful
green eyes would make him feel ten years younger or more any time he
saw her.



The visits had grown shorter and shorter now. It wasn't that Laurel
was too old for him or not interested in her Papa anymore. No. It
was far worse. Buffy had grown too old for him, too old and
uninterested and bitter and hateful and. . .Giles shook his head.
<What's the use?> She'd never forgive him, never be his Slayer again
or the daughter he never had.



---------



"What happened Willow?" Willow and Jesse were walking along a cobble
stoned street reminiscing about high school and all the good times
they had together growing up. Jesse tried to broach the subject of
Buffy a few times, but Willow skirted the issue. He thought it was
best to leave it alone but now it was time for the hard stuff.
"Will?"



"Jesse, I really don't-"



"-Wanna talk about it, I know. But-" He shrugged. "you know how
your tummy gets all acidy when you keep bad stuff inside. Come on,
Will, I'm here for a reason. You have to know that."



She sighed. "I know. It's just. . .a touchy subject for me right
now. Buffy, well, it's kinda hard to explain."

"You love her."


Willow smiled up at him. "Apparently not that hard." She walked
beside him in silence for a while. "It started in high school, kind
of. I admired her, wanted to be like her. It always seemed so, I
don't know, exciting and daring. . .you know, all the Slayer stuff she
did and even that aside. . .she's an amazing person - so full of life
and funny and sweet and romantic and sexy and-"



"Willow-"



"Sorry, too much information I guess." She blushed.



"No, it's not that, it's just, well, why are you here? Have you asked
yourself that yet? I mean, do you even know where here is?"



Willow stopped in her tracks and looked around. It was as if she was
noticing for the first time that things were very different. She
tried as hard as she could to remember how she got there but couldn't.
Then she tried to remember the last time she saw Buffy and Laurel.
She couldn't do that either. A look of panic crossed her face.
"Jesse?" She looked at him quizzically. "How did you get here?" She
began to back away from him almost fearfully. "You're. . .you're
dead. I saw it. . .I saw Xander stake you in the. . .oh God, that was
sophomore year of high school."

"Take it easy, Will."



"Take it easy? Take it easy? I'm dead. . .am I dead?. . .oh God, I'm
not dead, am I? Cause I have a nineteen year old daughter that needs
me and Buffy, Buffy doesn't know how to cook! And she doesn't know
when Laurel's doctor's appointments are and. . .and I think there's a
load of laundry in the washer. . .the last time Buffy did laundry
everything turned out pink! And Giles still isn't fully recovered from
the fall he took last year, he needs me and-"

Jesse placed his hand on her shoulder. "Willow, breathe."



"Breathe? Dead people don't breath, Jesse they. . .well, they don't
do anything. . .cause they're dead!" She ran her hands through her
hair in frustration. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"Okay, I'm calm. . .somewhat." she opened her eyes and looked at him.
"You can tell me the truth, I can handle it, really. Am I dead?"



Jesse looked at her with sympathetic eyes. "Well. . ." He hedged.


. . .To Be Continued. . .




~~Kimber
List Gutter Lust Goddess, Masked Road Runner (meep, meep!!), Keeper of
the crazy lil comma, Slayer of the Mad Dragon's Heart, Elmer to Pat's
Wabbit, self proclaimed 'perfect drug' addict, and Official Tormenter
of the Phantom Chimpunk and her band of crazy nuts. Proud supporter
of the Mad Poet Society and the Troll under the Bridge.

Proud Member of the BtVS Writers Guild: Because fic makes anything
possible.

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