BuffyWantsWillow::FIC:Something New (7/?)

[Pedder <russianknife@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Author: Pedder

Title: Something New (7/?)

Disclaimer: The BtVS universe was created by Joss Whedon, I'm just borrowing the characters for a while. I don't claim any of it, it's not mine, I think you get it.

Chapter Summary: Deals with the events after 'Hush'.

Feedback: Anything, please.

Archive: Go for your life. Just let me know, k?

Spoilers: None.

Well, I think this is me posting again sooner than two months, but I wouldn't put money on it. I'm never putting a time up again. There's no way I can stick to it. Procrastination's one of my strong points (although I normally put off my work by writing?)

***********

I'm screwed.

Seriously.

I don't know why, but every time I have something good, I have to do something to mess it up. It's like there's some part of me that's only purpose is to ruin my life. Make me do things that I would never do, sabotage the things that make me happy.

For the past few weeks, everything had been great. Buffy and I settled into our relationship, and I started to not immediately think she was going to break up with me every time she wanted to talk. Buffy stopped the world from ending, we all saw Riley in his commando gear so I didn't have to pretend around him any more, and Giles got turned into a demon. So, all in all, a pretty average few weeks for us.

I also started improving at Witchcraft. Tara's been an enormous help, and we can do some amazing spells together. I told Buffy about it, and she was really happy for me at first, saying it was great that I met someone who could help me. Over the last week or so though, Buffy started dropping hints that she didn't want me spending so much time at Tara's. Me being me, of course, felt this was totally unfair. Tara's my friend, what right does Buffy have to interfere?

I think I conveniently managed to forget that Buffy's my girlfriend. And my best friend.

And she might not be either after I talk to her.

I screwed up. Again. Only this time, I'm not going to let it come out on its own. I've seen the results when that happens, and it's not going to be that way this time. I may have just mad biggest mistake of my life, but I'm not going to be a coward as well. If I don't tell Buffy the truth, and she finds out another way, our relationship will be shot. At least this way, I have a chance. Not a big one, but I'm hoping Buffy at least gives me the chance to explain. I don't deserve it, I know, but I'm hoping. I can't give up on this.

Buffy's lying on her bed reading when I get back to the dorm. She looks up and smiles at me when I open the door, and I freeze. I can't help it. I know I said I wasn't going to be a coward, but right now, looking at her, I want to run. I don't want to hurt her, and I know that that's exactly what I'm about to do.

Buffy apparently notices my strange reaction to seeing her, and gets up from the bed. "Will? What's wrong?" she asks, walking toward me.

I back up against the door, which I somehow closed behind me, unconsciously trying to put as much space as possible between us. Buffy either doesn't notice or ignores it, taking my hand and leading me to my bed, where she gently pushes me down and sits beside me. "Will?" she repeats. "What happened? Are you okay?"

Well, that does it. I burst into tears. She pulls me to her, wrapping her arms around me, and I let her, knowing that this is probably the last time I'll get to feel this. She holds me until my tears ease a little, and then pulls back, wiping my eyes with her thumbs, drying my tears. When she kisses me, I almost start to cry again, but something stops me. I don't want to ruin what will possibly be our last kiss.

She's going to hate me.

"Buffy," I manage to say before I choke on a sob.

She doesn't say anything, waiting for me to continue. It takes me a few minutes, but I finally pull myself together. "You're going to hate me," I say.

"Why?" she asks softly, confusion written all over her face.

"I didn't mean to," I continue, blocking out everything so I can get through this. "I never mean to. It just happened. We were doing a spell, and the next thing I know? I didn't mean to. I love you, I do. I never mean to. It just always happens. I ruin everything. I always ruin everything. I?" I can't say it. I can't get the words out. "I'm so sorry," I whisper, before I jump from the bed and run from the room.

No Willow, you're not a coward.

---------

I'm afraid to go back. I'm so scared that when I see her, Buffy will turn away from me. That she won't love me any more, that she won't even like me. She's the best thing in my life, and I've seriously screwed myself over.

I'm afraid that she didn't understand what I was trying to tell her, and I'm afraid that she did. I couldn't even get the words past my lips when I tried to tell her, and I hope she worked it out, because I can't do that again. Hell, I couldn't do it the first time.

I think I'm afraid of relationships. Maybe I'm afraid of being happy. All I know is that when I was with Oz, I kissed Xander. Oz was hurt, but we worked it out. Then, I cheat on him again, only this time with Buffy. Okay, so I kind of saw that as a blessing in disguise for a while, it did get me Buffy, after all, but when all's said and done, I still cheated.

And now? Now I'm happy with Buffy, completely in love, and what do I do? Follow the pattern, that's what. Great Willow, ruin the best thing in your life by kissing another girl.

I want to cry. I want to rage, to be angry, to scream and shout and run away from everything. But I can't cry, because I'm too angry. And I can't do anything about the anger, because it's all directed at me. I could scream at myself, but I think I might get some strange looks from the other people in the park. Not that I really care right now, but there's some part of me that would rather not be seen as a lunatic.

Aren't I though? I have to be some kind of crazy. No sane person could mess things up like I have. I don't know how long I've been sitting here, but I don't think I can leave this bench. I like the park. It's pretty.

I hurt inside. My chest feels so tight I can't breathe. I barely notice as my tears finally start to fall, my anger gone in the face of this pain inside of me. I pull my legs up and hug my knees to my chest, in a vain attempt to find some sort of comfort. I feel like my heart's stopped, and the fact that I'm still alive when it's in pieces draws up my anger again, which only makes the hurt worse.

My breath start coming out in ragged sobs as I give in to it, and I close my eyes and rest my head against my knees, wrapping my arms even tighter around my legs. As the pain wells up with more force than ever I let my mind shut down so I can block it out.

When I finally come out of it, I notice with some shock that it's dark. Judging by the way the park is now deserted, I can only assume that the sun's been down fro some time. A niggling piece of fear works its way into my mind, but I ignore it. I don't have time for that. Unwrapping my arms from around my legs, I try to stretch them out. Unfortunately, spending the afternoon in one position has caused my body to cramp up, and unbending my knees proves to be a slow and painful process.

I'm still in the middle of working the kinks out of my body when I hear someone step on a dry twig behind me. I spin around, ignoring the protests from my aching joints.

"Great," I mutter. "Just what I needed."

The vampire smiles and growls deep in his throat. I roll my eyes. He thinks that's threatening? Sure, he can probably kill me before I take two steps, but for some reason I don't seem to care right now. It's strange. I feel so detached, like I'm only slightly more involved than I would be if I was watching a movie or something.

The vampire stops growling and looks confused when I don't scream and run away. "Aren't you gonna try and run?" he asks.

I shrug. "Is there any point?"

He just looks more confused. "It makes it more fun," he tries.

I laugh. "Yeah, that's top on my list of priorities right now. Go out of my way so you have a better time killing me. Sorry, if you're going to kill me, you'll just have to be bored while you're doing it."

He's silent for a minute before he shrugs. "I can deal with that," he says, and jumps over the bench that was still separating us. He tries to grab me, but I duck out of the way just in time. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, since everything is still feeling very strange. I don't particularly want to be vampire chow, but I also don't really care. Really, what I want is just to go somewhere where I can be alone and wallow in self-pity.

Actually, what I'd really like is to reverse time, not kiss Tara, and then go back to the dorm and make love with Buffy all night.

It's a nice fantasy.

The vamp lunges at me again, and this time he manages to grab my shirt when I try and get away. Pining my arms to my sides, he pushes me roughly up against a tree, smiling when he finally gets to see fear in my eyes.

Screw that. I'm not giving him anything.

I close my eyes and wait while he slowly lowers his teeth to my neck. Time seems to freeze, but I'm not thinking anything. There's no flash of memories, no life passing before my eyes. There's just nothing, and the wait for it all to end seems like an eternity. Like Hell. Finally, sharp teeth pierce my neck, and with the sudden pain my mind clears and the fog of apathy that shrouded my mind vanishes.

What the hell am I doing?

Muttering a few words, I flare out the fingers on my right hand and feel a ball of flame grow and float above my palm. Screaming, I lift my arm and thrust my hand into his chest, venting all the pain and anger and hurt I had been feeling as I watch him burn.

He collapses into ash still trying to put out the flames that were consuming him, and as the last of the fire dies away I sink to the ground, my back still pressed against the tree. Now that the danger is gone, I can't control my emotions. Pulling my legs up to my chest again, I put my head on my knees and cry.

**********

Sorry this one was so short, but I hope you liked it. Longer next time, I promise (I'm not promising when though?)

Pedder



---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Y! Web Hosting - Let the expert host your web site