RE: FIC: Making Sense (1/1)

Thanks Bear...Maybe I'll do a sequel just for you (okay and others who are writing me wanting more, more, MORE in the lovin' department<G>). Perhaps I'll do it from Buffy's eyes since the 'first time' is usually intense. Thanks for replying.

CN Winters

author of 'Irrefutable Evidence' from Renaissance Alliance Publishing Inc. http://rapbooks.biz/winters.shtml

>From: "TheBear"

>Reply-To: buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

>To:

>Subject: RE: ::BuffyWantsWillow:: FIC: Making Sense (1/1)

>Date: Sat, 9 Nov 2002 22:30:16 -0800

>That was beautiful. I loved the honesty when Buffy admitted that the

>intensity caused her to want to flee the situation. I?m sure that

>admission was more difficult even than admitting the attraction and

>desire she had. I could very well see it requiring ten years and even

>then a spontaneous act to breach her denial.

>Great story, it only lacked one thing; well, perhaps not lack so much as

>I would have very much enjoyed seeing an NC17 epilogue? (and that?s just

>my opinion of course?). ;)

>TheBear!

>thebear@xxxxxxxxxxxxx

>http://www.papa-bear.com

>-----Original Message-----

>From: cnwinters71 [mailto:cnwinters@xxxxxxxxxxx]

>Sent: Saturday, November 09, 2002 7:39 PM

>To: buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

>Subject: ::BuffyWantsWillow:: FIC: Making Sense (1/1)

>Disclaimers: Mr. Whedon owns these characters. I'm just borrowing

>them for a little while.

>Pairing: W/B

>Rating: PG-13 (a little sexy stuff but nothing too?ahem?telling.)

>Distribution: My page http://cnscaldron.tripod.com

>Author info: Like the story? Feed the bard! cnwinters@xxxxxxxxxxx

>Synopsis: 10 years has passed since Willow outted herself to her

>friends and a desperate situation leads to a not so unexpected

>discovery for Willow and Buffy.

>Making Sense

>By CN Winters

>It's all making sense. It took me long enough to reach this point.

>Just one kiss; that's all it took.

>We got a tip that the recent baddie in town liked to hang out at the

>Red Oyster bar. I chuckled when I first heard the name, which drew a

>complete blank for Xander and Buffy ? neither of them had heard of

>it. The Red Oyster bar you see is the local gay bar?Okay so there's

>no 'official' gay bar in Sunnydale. That would be far too progressive

>for this town. But they are gay friendly with lots of 'mixed

>couples', much like the Bronze on certain days of the week. However

>straight folks, although welcome, are the minority at the Big O as

>it's been nicknamed.

>I knew the three of us would 'blend' so I had no quips about going.

>Xander, although mega supportive of my life, still had concerns ?

>maybe its doubts about his own preferences but I wasn't about to play

>armchair psychologist with him. Anyway, he was worried that he would

>have to fend off sex-starved men who dressed like the Village People.

>Of course I chastised him for his stereotyping but I gave him the low-

>down ? 'Tell them your flattered but you're straight and not

>interested. They'll appreciate the honesty.'

>Buffy seemed intrigued about going but I chocked it up to interest

>about MY life. We never really sat down and had a heart to heart talk

>about just what my choices in life meant on a grander scale. It was

>always about the here and now. How's 'fill in the blank with the

>latest gal's name'? Where you going this weekend? Which spell did you

>and the misses try this week? Stuff like that. Our conversations

>weren't heavy with things like do you get scared about showing

>affection in public? Do you plan to have kids someday and if so, how?

>At times, do you feel like an outsider to the rest of the world?

>Nothing like that ever came up since I outted myself to Buffy ten

>years ago.

>I wasn't offended because I knew why. Buffy lives in the here and

>now. She often considered that she didn't have much of a future and

>voiced it regularly. Her life expectancy giving her 'profession'

>wouldn't allow for long-term plans so she never made any of her own.

>As a result she never asked us about our own. I think it made things

>easier for her if she didn't have to focus on the long road ahead as

>much as where her feet where at the moment. Xander and I never

>complained. We still don't.

>Idealistically, years ago, I imagined Tara and I growing old

>together ? gray hairs and arthritis ? living someplace warm like

>South Beach, Florida. She would be my first, my last, my always.

>Perhaps that was silly of me because when you decide to dedicate your

>life to the Slayer you take a chance. Tara took a chance in knowing

>me but she didn't mind the stakes. I remember one night we were in

>bed. I told her that my life was dangerous. She told me that loving

>me was worth the risk. I told her we might die someday. She told me,

>we all die someday. But as long as it was in my arms, that was fine

>by her. I never dreamed in my darkest nightmares that would become

>the reality. And I never imagined that I could become the latest 'big

>bad' that the Slayer had to face as a result.

>I've often wondered if?if maybe she'd waited?if she waited just a few

>more days to return to me . . . Tara would be alive. Not so much for

>my sake but for hers. She was a beautiful human ? inside and out and

>that light went out far too earlier. And it went out because of me.

>Yeah I know I didn't pull the trigger but it's a feeling of guilt by

>association. We all felt it actually. But I told them what Tara had

>said. I sometimes doubt though if she really meant it. If I'm lucky

>enough to get to Heaven that will probably be the first thing I ask?

>was it worth it? I just hope she says yes.

>Months later after Tara's death, Dawn came across a book. 'Reviving

>the Dead 101' basically - a way to bring back the dead who died by

>human and not mystical means. It was the hardest choice I ever had to

>make in my life. But I couldn't make the same mistake I made with

>Buffy. I couldn't rip my angel from Heaven. I loved her enough to let

>her go. Dawn was upset with me at first. She said a lot of stupid

>things teenagers say when they're upset and apologized them for

>later. But it still cut ? it cut deep. I took solace in the fact that

>eventually Dawn understood. Tara was my girl but I couldn't drag her

>back to earth to satisfy me or Dawn or anybody. If I had known Buffy

>had gone to a better place instead of a hell dimension?as hard as it

>is to say?I would have let her go too. And I would have continued to

>fight with the scoobies to our deaths.

>Xander thinks that when you're truly destined to die you will.

>Nothing can change that. So regardless of whether Tara came back he

>feels she still would have lost her life that day. He may have a

>point. I mean?there are many, many times that any one of us should be

>pushing up the daisies but here we still are, almost fifteen years

>later from our Sunnydale High years. Buffy at 32 is the oldest living

>Slayer in history. Still beautiful; still strong. She teases me about

>my tiny crow's feet, which are starting to show, but I don't mind. I

>tell her it's from years of smiling and she really needs to look in

>the mirror too now and then. I'm not the only one who isn't getting

>any younger. Anyway, I try my best to believe Xander's theory?to

>think otherwise, to think that Tara died because of me, is just too

>damn painful.

>I moved on after Tara. I didn't think it was possible but as clichéd

>as it sounds time heals all wounds ?Let's see?there was Trisha,

>Denise, Barbara, Tiffany, Rachel?oh and Jan... I'm sure I'm

>forgetting a few others here and there. The latest and probably worst

>was Jan. All my relationships ended for one reason or another but Jan

>was the only one who voiced an ultimatum.

>'Your friends or me' she said one night. Needless to say, she lost.

>As a result I had 'dyke' tattooed across my BMW in spray paint and

>various windows smashed in the Summer's home. Buffy was ready to kill

>her but I talked her out of it?barely. When we started getting the

>harassing phone calls at all hours of the day and night that's when

>Buffy decided to visit her. She promised she wouldn't kill her; she

>just wanted to reason with her. Although I know how Buffy

>can 'reason' at times, enough was enough and I let Buffy go. She

>never mentioned what happened but I did notice Jan at the Bronze soon

>after with her arm in a sling?We never got another phone call after

>that?Maybe it's just coincidence.

>It was around college graduation that things came into focus even

>more but I shrugged it off.

>I was offered a job with a leading software manufacturer as a

>programming troubleshooter. My degree didn't mean nearly as much as

>my hacker skills it seemed but having that piece of paper did help

>I'm sure. $300,000 a year to start, full benefits, bonus, profit

>sharing, you name it. Buffy was immediately concerned that I would be

>leaving. There was no logical reason for me to stay. The thought of

>leaving hadn't actually entered my mind until she asked what my plans

>were now that I was 'set'. I told her I still wanted to stay but if

>she thought I should move out I would. Well that's not exactly true.

>I didn't finish the sentence before she started apologizing, saying

>that she wasn't giving me the boot. In fact it was the opposite - she

>did want me to stay. But she understood if I wanted a life of my own.

>It was at that point that I first realized our lives were

>intertwined.

>We were a family. It was true that Dawn was in college, with her own

>life, but still I wanted to be there?just in case. Besides hearing

>the door open in the earlier morning hours, knowing that Buffy

>survived another 'night on the job', was better than sitting in my

>own apartment waiting until sunrise to make a phone call. At least

>that's what I told myself at the time. When I looked deeper I

>realized it was much more than convenience that kept me there

>although I had the means to leave.

>It wasn't until the incident at the Red Oyster that things really

>came into perspective. But even prior to that night, I began to

>realize that with each new woman that popped up in my life over the

>years Buffy always had a problem with them ? too tall, too talkative,

>too clumsy, too blonde, you name it. Nobody was good enough for me. I

>figured maybe she was holding onto Tara in some way. I know that

>Buffy cared for Tara. Hell she even confided things in Tara that she

>didn't confide in me, her best friend. Maybe no woman would ever be

>as good as Tara. But that night at the Red Oyster something changed?

>forever.

>Like I said, we were tracking the newest 'addition' to the Sunnydale

>line-up. Buffy wanted to stay?undercover. By undercover she didn't

>want the demon knowing that she was trying to stake him out?no pun

>intended.

>The demon's name was Marlrid ? a real scumbag ? although he appeared

>human. He got his kicks (and power) by picking a victim and harassing

>them relentlessly. He couldn't just go for the kill because the more

>fear and injury he instilled, the greater his strength became. So he

>returned to the same victim over and over again. Xander joked that

>maybe he was related to Joy. I had to admit that made me laugh.

>So to the bar we went. Since Xander was still 'worried' about being

>someone's boy toy, I issued Buffy and Xander to the dance floor. If

>they were together then chances are neither of them wouldn't get hit

>on. As they took to the room's center, I talked with Cody who ran the

>bar. I asked if she'd heard of a guy named Marlrid but she couldn't

>help. I went out to the floor and told them the news. From there we

>decided to split up and search the room.

>After a few minutes we found nothing and met back at the small

>hallway near the entrance where a variety of people were coming and

>going. Suddenly Buffy's eyes got wide as she watched Marlrid walk in

>with two 'friends'. We had to hide her somewhere, somehow but there

>was nowhere to duck. Quickly I turned to Xander and order him to tell

>us when he had passed us. I don't think Buffy even knew what hit her

>at first. I bent her body back slightly and kissed her, my long red

>hair spilling around her face, shrouding her features. She stiffened

>at first but became more relaxed the longer I spent nipping at her

>lower lip. Suddenly I felt her hand cup the back of my head. The next

>sensation was her lips rising to meet mine. Instantly, Xander came to

>mind. Yes the oddest of moments I know. But I remembered what it felt

>like when I kissed him after my long-standing secret admiration was

>realized. I thought it was the greatest rush I'd ever feel. Turns

>out, I was wrong.

>When Buffy return the kiss, quicksilver shot to my center and the

>demon in the hall was forgotten for the moment. And as her tongue

>tentatively slipped past her lips to brush against my own, asking for

>permission, I felt my legs weaken in an instant. Not only did I give

>her permission but welcomed it. I began to suck on the offered tongue

>and I heard a soft moan escape. Whether it was from she or I, to be

>honest, I couldn't tell. In truth, I didn't care. I couldn't sustain

>her weight anymore and I brought her upright again, my body pinning

>hers to the wall. She felt toned but supple as my body melded against

>hers. I felt her pelvis thrust forward, only slightly, and it was the

>only invitation I needed. I moved my thigh between her legs, giving

>her the contact it was obvious that her body craved. My hands reached

>up both sides of her face. Perhaps it was reactionary. Maybe

>somewhere in my aroused mind I still knew I had to keep her hidden ?

>always playing the faithful 'scoobie'.

>She felt soft. So delicate. I'd never felt another woman as soft as

>Buffy, except for one ? Tara. I think it was that moment that I knew?

>if anyone would ever take Tara's place in my life it was the woman I

>was kissing at the moment ? the woman who, I should add, was kissing

>me back.

>That fact hit me hard, shaking me from my rapture, pulling me from

>those sweet lips. I realized that it had been quite sometime now and

>Xander still hadn't said anything. Tentatively I looked around but no

>Marlrid. I looked to Xander. Speechless would be a good descriptor of

>his _expression_. I snapped my fingers to get his attention and he

>shook his head, his mind coming back to the hallway. 'Sorry,' he told

>us, 'I just went off to far-away, magical place for a moment.' I

>rolled my eyes. Men.

>I turned back to Buffy. She looked nervous muttering something about

>taking Marlrid down as she went back inside the bar. I looked to

>Xander who just shrugged before we followed her inside. To make a

>long story short (too late I know), Buffy took Marlrid out that night

>and we headed back home. Xander dropped us off and wordless we went

>inside. She sat down on the sofa and turned the television on. I knew

>I had to say something, anything. I walked over and picked up the

>remote turning the television off. She looked at me but didn't say

>anything.

>I told her we needed to talk about what happened in that hallway. She

>avoided it at first, trying to act nonchalant ? there was nothing to

>discuss she said. She tried to go into the kitchen but I rose and

>grabbed her by the waist. Our bodies shook at the impact as I brought

>her back against me. I never realized how well we fit together

>physically until I leaned around to whisper in her ear.

>I asked her if it was only me; was I reading too deeply into what

>happened? I asked her if I imagined her kissing me back in the

>hallway. She was quiet for a long moment. Finally she whispered, no.

>I asked if given the chance would she kiss me again. She said she

>didn't know. She felt confused all night she told me. Slowly I let

>her go, my fingertips brushing her hips. I told her I would give her

>time to figure it all out.

>I walked to the staircase. Slowly, I turned to her and the tears she

>had in her eyes caught me off guard. They weren't tears of joy or

>pain. They were tears of fear. I could always tell when the Slayer

>was scared ? petrified. What she experienced now with me, her best

>friend, scared her more than the vamps she faced on a nightly basis.

>It was ironic in a way ? the red-haired, computer geek hacker had the

>power to make the strongest woman on earth tremble.

>I knew she needed something more as I watched her from the lading. So

>I told her it was finally making sense. The reason for all the

>disastrous relationships I got into, the reason I sat up ? sometimes

>until dawn ? waiting for her to come home, the reason I continued to

>stay in a house when I could afford to be on my own. It all made

>sense now. Yeah it took 15 years but damn it I got there.

>The reason was simple. The reason was her.

>I told her I was sorry that my admiration upset her but I would never

>be sorry for the admiration. And I told her regardless of what she

>decided to do with these facts I would stick by her if that's what

>she wanted. And if that was too much then?I'd go away. Because I knew

>first hand?sometimes you had to give up the things you love most in

>the world because it's best for them.

>The climb upstairs was a rough one and the longest I'd ever taken in

>that house. I put it all out for Buffy to see. Suddenly I was the

>one, much like Buffy, living in the present. It was now or never. I

>knew that. She knew it too. I got comfortable on my bed with a spell

>book, but my mind couldn't comprehend a single page. I got up again

>and decided to find something else to look at when I heard her voice

>in the doorway.

>'You're right. About everything,' she told me. 'It's odd but ever

>since you've gotten your job I've been worried that you'd leave.' I

>reassured her that I wouldn't and she raised her hand to make me

>stop. 'Let me get this out okay?' she asked. I simply nodded and she

>continued. 'When you came to me and told me about Tara, about how you

>fell in love with her and it took you by surprise I've felt the same

>lately. Okay, maybe it's been longer than lately', she

>grinned. 'Point is you said you didn't fall for a gender. You fell

>for a person. I realized that what we have it's more than gender.

>It's deeper. Way deeper than that. So tonight when you kissed me I

>reacted. To be able to express that bond of depth in a physical way

>was?intense?So like usual when things get intense I run.'

>I watched as her bottom lip began to quiver. 'Help me from running,'

>she said softly. 'Show me I'm not the only one in love here.'

>I smiled and walked over. My hands reached up and stroked her

>face. 'I'll prove it,' I told her as she closed her eyes, savoring my

>touch. She grinned and opened her eyes.

>'You've been proving it for nearly 15 years now Will,' she told

>me. 'Every mission. Every battle?Tonight I want you to show me.'

>And show her, I did. Repeatedly. In a variety of ways.

>Thank Gaia for the magic. I don't think I'd be able to keep up with

>the Slayer strength and stamina any other way. Finally, around dawn,

>she fell asleep, wrapped in my arms. Contentment was something I

>hadn't felt in years but she brought that back to me. It took me long

>enough to reach that point. But just one kiss; that's all it took.

>Finally I knew?it's all making sense.

>The End

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