Repost: Sundowning01- Last Rays

[Mad Hamlet <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>]

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Sundowning
Last Rays

My world is ending, but not with a whimper but a bang. A hell of a big bang
too. 
	
Typical. 

I would have prefered the whimper. The last gasp of a life support machine
maybe, surrounded by my family and loved ones as my aged body finally gave up
and let me go. Maybe not even that, just me, at an old age of course, sitting
on my porch admiring the garden or the sunset. Admiring something at any rate,
and I'd get really tired and fall asleep. 

I think that would be a whimpery enough ending to my world. Not gonna happen
though. I should have expected it too. All Slayers die, some just live longer
than others. 

Check that. 

Slayers don't live. We exist. Living requires happiness. Yes I'm being bitter,
I'm seconds away from dying you can't expect me to be all perky at this
instant can you? 

Stop screaming Dawnie. This is the only way. Okay it's not, I could have just
chucked you into this void but ..right. I'm gonna do that. Better me than you
lil sis. What was that line? The needs of the many something something... I
don't think I'm gonna have time to remember. That 's okay, the movie sucked
anyway. 

Stop screaming Dawn, no really stop. If you mess up your voice how will you
give Willow my last message?

Willow.

I promised I'd never leave you. You think I forgot my promise? I remember it,
in the shower, with my clothes on. I promised and I keep my promises but..but
I couldn't keep this one. At least not now. Dawn will tell you, she has a
message for you. It's not long, I didn't have time to come up with anything
really deep. Just seconds. Seconds to give you some fucking words that are
supposed to fill the gaping hole in you I'm about to tear open.

I'm sorry.

I'm so very sorry. Wanted to spend my life with you. Your magic, my slaying,
our adventures..our love. Our love..that would have been a grand adventure.
One worth exploring over and over and.. you can't hear me now can you. Can't
even see me. You don't know what's happening, don't know I'm falling into a
hole in the sky. You don't know I'm seeing a different, million nightmares
each with a million different faces. You're standing at the foot of the tower
right now arn't you? Did you save your friend Tara? She's probably all better
now, got her mind back, that's a good thing. You're standing at the base of
the tower and waiting for me to come back down with Dawn. The Slayer, once
again triumphant over the bad guys. Like all those other times right? 

I'm not gonna this time my Willow.

For that I'm sorry. 
Really, really sorry.

For such a short way to fall this is really taking a long time. Gives me all
the time I need to see all these lovely different aspects of Hell. Aren't I
lucky?

Oh God, oh God, oh God, I'm scared, I'm falling into Hell and I'm so scared,
so scared, scared, scared and there's nothing to save me and I can't grab
anything and even if there was I couldn't grab it 'cause that would mean the
world would die and I'm scared but the world..scared..the world..all
worlds..there's only the wind, nothing comforting, nothing ..fear..wind...it's
getting closer but it's not actually here. Oh God.

Willow!!

It's not fair! It's not fair, I earned something didn't I? What did I do to
deserve this! It's not fair, oh mommy I'm scared. Why can't it be fair? In all
those movies and stories where the hero sacrifices themselves for something
greater they.. they earn some sort of understanding. They always look so
peaceful right before the end, like they know something nobody else does. It's
not fair, I'm going to die and there's no understanding, don't I even deserve
tha-

** 

Meat.

She hit the ground like a sack of meat. 

The woman I love, the only person I've ever loved...she hit the ground like a
sack of meat. 

I hate them right now. I hate them so much. The Powers That Be, she gave them
everything. They refused to do anything to help themselves taking, instead,
everything from one girl who just wanted to love me. Just took and took and
took..couldn't they..I dunno.. lowered her to the groud. A small gesture of
respect? A thank you? Anything? Not just have her collide with the ground,
letting her flop around, limp.

Oh God, Oh God..she's dead. Buffy's dead, Buffy..Buffy!! BUFFY!!

Mmm..her hair is all mussed up. That's bad. She hit a wooden crate on the way
down and now she's got splinters all tangled in her long lovely blond hair.
That's no good. I'll have to fix it. That's something I can fix right now. 

I move over to where she's lying and kneel beside her. Reach out..pick out
the pieces and smooth the hair. Pick n' smooth, pick n'smooth. Soon she'll
look much nicer. No one is saying anything. That's fine though, I'd rather not
get distracted by conversation. Pick n'smooth, pick n'smooth. 

I know she's moving before she touches me, don't ask me to explain how, it's
a witch thing. 

"Willow." 

"Yes Tara?" It's Tara who was moving you see. It's Tara who has her hand on
my shoulder and it's Tara who is in really, really big trouble right now.
No..not really. She's my friend. A fellow Witch. Wiccan really, we try not to
disembowel each other even when we've just lost, scant seconds before, the one
thing we really, really loved. It's called 'Respect'. We always have to
respect each other. 

"She's gone Willow." Tara says.

"I know." Pick n'smooth, pick n'smooth. Almost done. Just a few more pieces.

Maybe a french braid?

"I..I don't think B-Buffy is worried about her hair where she is." She says
it so quietly. Like she's afraid I'm going to turn on her or something. Scream
maybe..shout..lose my temper.. Do something really badly bad magical wise.
Mmm..tempting.. but no. 

"I know." I say again.

"She..she..really can't care Willow." Tara tries again. For someone who has a
such a hard time speaking up she's really being brave right now. Good for her.


"Yes." I say and turn to face her. Jee, I wonder what she see's 'cause she's
stumbling backwards. Looks really scared. Am I scary right now? Do I look
dangerous? That's odd, I don't feel scary or dangerous, I don't feel anything.


"Yes." I say again. The voice of understanding, calm..calm old Willow. "But I
care you see. I care how she looks, we all should. Because," I gesture toward
Buffy with my hand. "She did this for us."

Hmmm..Tara doesn't seem to be listening, she's just backing up real fast with
one hand over her mouth..gosh..is she trying not to scream?

Well..I still have to finish fixing Buffy's hair.

**

No one came and helped me down from the tower. Sheesh, you think they could
have ..y'know sent Giles up or even Spike but noo..Dawn has to get down by
herself just because her older sister di..di...

Oh God I'm sorry, sorry sorry..so sorry Buffy, I'm sorry..did't mean to be
selfish it's okay..I don't mind getting down..really..I'm
sorry..oh..please..please I'm sorry Buffy.. 

Don't be stupid, she can't hear me. And...even if she could..I..I.. I haveto
get down of this tower. I have to get down right now. Gotta get
off..just..gotta...Have to tell Willow. Focus on the ..the..message..collapse
later. 

No, no, no..damnit..whoops. I swore. Buffy said she didn't like hearing medo
that. What a pain she wa..IS! What.A.Pain.She....was....big sister..

I can do this, I have to do this. Got to give Willow her message. Jesus
Christ(Sorry Buffy.) If my big sister can save the word multiple times I can
deliver a stupid ..it's not stupid.. try again. If Buffy can .. can..do her
thing then I can do what she asked me to. 

Yeah. 

no no no no no no no no no..

Three steps left..move feet..c'mon move. Can't just stay in this metal tower
forever..three steps to go. Just three. Then I'll be down and everyone
will..uh..be..there and they..will..but so will..I ..I don't wanna see! Don't
wanna look, don't make me look! I can't look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I can't I
just can't!

I just fall down, collapse on the last steps before I get off this tower and
they're all waiting for me, right around the corner but so is..and she's and
..and I can't..and..

I cry. It's not like I know she's dead, that..she..maybe..maybe she survived,
yeah..maybe she's okay, a little hurt but she'll be fine and..no. Didn't work
for Mom and it won't work for Buffy. Lying to myself is ..oh God...why?

I don't hear his footsteps on the metal and I don't notice his shadow falling
over me but I know he's there and I look up. 

"Hey bit." He says.

"My..my feet Spike..they won't work." I stumble over the words, tears are
getting in the way. 

"No prob luv." He leans over and offers me his hand. "I'll take you the rest
of the way."

***


My...my Slayer. 

I failed. 

She lies before me broken, sorry..lies before us. Actaully, that's not fair
either. She lies before Willow. We were ...all so important to her but Willow
was special and...

Dear lord no, I'm already thinking is past tense. Damn my watcher mentality.
Must I always be so pragmatic? Not even have the comfort of an illusion fora
few moments. 

Willow crouches beside the Slayer's body. She finished ..correcting..Buffy's
appearence some time ago and now is just sitting beside her, holding Buffy's
hand in her own with her other clasped over her heart. Tara has moved over to
my side. 

"Did...did you see her?" She hisses at me.

"I'm..I'm sorry..what did you say?" I cannot tear my eyes off the image
before me. 

"Did you see her?" Tara whispers again. "Her face?"

"No." I whisper back. "No I didn't. Is something the matter?"

Of course it is you stupid british pillcock! Everything is the matter! Your
Slayer is dead, more than that your daughter is dead! Her sister is alone in
this world, and yes while it is rather nice to still have a world around us
the price has been so very high and I'm really quite unsure it was worth it. 

Lord, Dawn. What will happen to her now? 

"Willow." Tara whispers to me. "She's..she's..she's being eaten." 

I ..

"What?" I say back.

"I c-can't say it any other way." Tara whispers. "I looked into her
eyes..and..she's not there, or she's less there than she was!"

I spend a moment digesting that.

"Eaten?" I query.

Tara shrugs, it's a slight, small gesture. "Hiding?" She offers.

I look again at the tableu before us all. The words come unbidden and
unthought but they are there and I say them freely.

"A hero taken, a lover alone, a family shattered and a sister lost, merely
for the sake of the world." I pause and take a deep breath. "Oh yes, what on
Earth could she be possibly hiding from?"

**

If I'm not careful I'm going to break Anya's ribs.

But I have to hold her tighter. Have to make sure it's really her in my arms,
that her own are around me and I'm carrying her and that sweet air on my neck
is her breath. That it's not illusion and she's really alive and she really
did say 'yes' a few hours ago and the woman in my arms, who is still alive,is
going to be my wife.

And all it cost was Buffy.

She's there on the ground, Willow beside her and where I have Anya (thank you
God, thank you, thank you, thank you.) Willow does not.(Damn you God. Damn
you, damn you, damn you!)

No.

Damn me. 

Because I know Willow is ... beyond..she's..pain.. there's .. Willow is in
..pain right now. Not 'stubbed toe' pain or even 'Stubbed soul' pain. She is
IN pain. She's drinking it, soaking in it and all I can think about is 'Thank
God that's not me.' And then I look at Buffy's..at..I..look AT Buffy and.. all
I have is simply..'Thank God that's not Anya.'

No, not damn you God, or damn me.

Damn us all.

I'm sorry Willow, I'm so sorry.

I pull Anya even tighter.

	

**

Holding Dawn's hand we step around the corner. She can see now. We all can
see. 

Dawn sinks to the ground again, that cerimonial robe that Hellbitch gave her
pooling around her bare feet. Mm..need to get her something warmer, she'll
catch cold. 

She's crying of course. That's the odd thing. She's the only one. Willow is
right beside the Slayers body, she's not crying, just holdin' her hand. The
newest member of the Joy Luck club, Tara, she's not cryin neither. Just
huddlin' next to the Watcher, himself standing silently. I'd say he's being
'utterly british' but he's wearing a haunted expression that humans just can't
fake. 

Xander and Anya. Ah, now them I can read. Xander refuses to look, he's
starin' at the ground while holding his woman. She's just got these eyes right
now, big as billards balls they are. Not Xander though, refuses to look. Call
it an 'educated guess' but I'm willing to bet a fiver that he's feelin' a tad
guilty. I could blame him for that but I think he's blaming himself enough. 

Dawnie's crossed her arms over her chest, she's sobbing really loudly now,
it's the only thing you can hear. Not even a wind right now. Rockin back an'
forth on her knees, not taking her eyes of her big sister. Promised I'd
protect her but there's nothing I can do about this. 

I could act supportive I suppose, lay my hand on her shoulder, let her borrow
my 'strength', cluck sympathetically a few times maybe...

Nah.

For the most part because I don't do that well and additionally what good
would it honestly do? Not a lick. It wouldn't help one iota, I doubt she'd
even notice. Then, of course, there's my general streak of bastard behaivore.

I look at the Slayer. 
Check that, her name's Buffy. I owe her that much. 

Okay then, starting over.

I look at Buffy.

She's lyin' there, real peaceful. Looks like she's sleepin, and what the hell
made me think of that? I've seen more than enough dead people to tell the
diffrence 'tween a sleepin one, and a dead one. Most noticible is the vibe
that's missing from a corpse. Vamps can spot it in an instant. A glow that the
living have, we don't and they don't either when they're not living either. 

You still have it though don't you luv? I ask myself.

I can feel it still. The air is humming about you now, just like it always
did when you ..were not dead. Pardon my brusequness but you are now and I feel
little need to bely the obvious. Still got the vibe though. Good for you
lass. Maybe that's why I can almost fool myself into thinkin' yer merely
resting? 

I glance at the lil' bit. She's still crying. 

Yeah Slay..sorry..yeah Buffy. I remember my promise. I'll watch over yer
sister, yeah yeah..blah blah blah..end of time. End of my time at least, or
hers. But that'll only come from old age, I swear it. 

I keep my promises Buffy. You know that, in fact for you I'm going to do one
thing I never did for no one before. 

I'm going to break a promise. Just for you though and if you let it get out
I'll...do what exactly? Kill you again? Nevermind, anyway...

Remember how I promised you I'd dance on your grave one day? Well, what with
things bein' how they are I'm sure you won't mind it too much if I pass on
that one. So, can you hear me Slayer? I'm gonna keep my promis to you and
break a promise for you, and me, without even having a bloody soul and..and..
God how pathetic have I become anyway? 

I hate you Slayer you know that? Look what you'd done to me! I'm
soliloquising! 

This, you realise, is all your fault don't you? 

Look at me, protecting people and feeling a little crappy because someone
who, being dead, is making me feel somewhat miffed. I should, at this very
moment, be throwing a party. 

Ah. 

No. You're going luv. I can feel it, I mean..you're gone already but the
vibe, even yours..

Happy trails pet. 

	

Now it's all quiet. 

No..sirens.

Bollocks, we gotta go!

**

"Times up campers! Smokey is coming." 

That's Spike. 

I've been hearing everything very clearly. Tara's whispers, Dawn's tears.
I've been listening very, very hard. Listening for her heart, anything.
Anything at all would do. Some...farewell, a last sigh..or sign. I'm not
picky. Listening very hard but I hear nothing. 

Oh, I hear them fine, I hear nothing that I want to hear though. Nothing from
Buffy. My Buffy.

Police? That's fine I guess. I would think a big whole in the air, complete
with lightning and all other whatnots screaming across the skies would get
some attention. 

Spike's words seem to snap everyone out of where they were. Spike himself is
now crouching next to Dawn, some whispered words I guess, trying to get herto
stand up. She doesn't seem to be listening, I'm not. 

He scoops her up into her arms when she doesn't react. 

I can hear them now too, the police. Sirens wailing, good ol' law and order
sweeping in to right the wrongs, preserve justice. All sorts of good things.
Right.

Giles has stepped up beside me. 

"Willow." He says. "We have to go."

"Yes." I reply. 

"Come." He says. "Stand up. I'll..."

"I've got her." I say.

"Willow." He begins. "I'm not sure that's a..."

"I am." I reply.

I'm not strong, never have been. I am in my own way, I mean I did give a
hellgod a good zappin not so long ago but physical strength has never been ...
I ..that is. I'm not strong. 

I stand up, lean over and pick Buffy up in my arms anyway. 

"Please Willow." Giles says. "Let me..."

"No." I say quietly. "I've got her. I..I have to."

Xander, who is still holding Anya speaks up.

"She's not heavy, she's my lover. Or something like that right Wills?" He's
trying to smile. Trying to be Xander. 

"Yeah Xander." I say back to him. "Something like that."

"We really have to go people!" Spike shouts. Well, at least he wasn't
sarcastic.

**

"Put me down!" I say. 

"Pet, you're just not moving fast enough." Spike mumbles. 

"I can, I can, please..just put me down." I'm still crying but I have to do
this, something..anything is better than just being carried. I'm not weak, I'm
not helpless I don't want to ever be helpless ever again.  

"Whatever." He grumbles. "Hang on a mo' let's just get into this alley."

We hide around the corner, out of sight of the police who are getting closer
to the..to ..that..place. Spike finally puts me down but as we're not running
anymore...

All of us, we're huddled in this dark little shithole, we're the heros and
we're hiding. Giles, Spike, Xander carrying Anya, Tara behind the two of them,
Spike standing behind me. Willow with my..my... All hail the conquering
heroes.

I peek around the corner. I can see the..tower. Where it..everything
happened. I can still feel the chains cutting into my wrist, the knife..Buffy
words in my ear..it's all there. All part of that tower, that building,
that..place. 

Ben is still in there. I guess, I didn't exactly look for him. I hope he's
hurting... he was a coward, a traitor. Glory...Ben..what's the diffrence? Both
were takers, not caring for anything but themselves. Not Buffy though, she
didn't, she couldn't have, even if she wasn't the Slayer. 

I just stare at that tower in the sky.

I hate it, I hate, I hate it, I hate it..I wish it would die, I wish I could
kill that place, kill it dead and keep on killing it over and over. Nothing
left..hate it..oh I hate it so much. 

"I wish I that place would die." I whisper.

I don't notice Willow standing beside me, watching me, watching the tower.
She shrugs her shoulders, still carrying Buffy. 

"Okay." She says.

What?

**

"Spike? Could you take her please?" I ask. "For just a minute."

"Red?" Spike looks confused for a second then gives his head a brief shake.
"Sure. Sure thing I..

I don't wait for him to finish just gently hand the body of my love to the
arms of her enemy, a vampire. I don't think she'd actually mind though. 

"Willow what do you think you're..." Giles begins speaking.

I turn to him. "Shhhh.." I say. A finger across my lips. "It's okay."

I look at Dawn, her eyes are real big. I'm not sure she expected anyone to
actually hear her but... I'm glad I did. 

I feel so... strange. My Buffy is dead. She's in the arms of Spike. Her hair
is hanging limp, arms never gonna hold me again. Behind her lids, even though
she looks like she's sleeping, I know those eyes will never shine with
laughter or look at me in a sultry manner again. She's not going to smile,
pout, or be sad again. She's not going to be anything again. I'll never getto
hold her, she'll never get to hold me. 
Like..like Anya said about Joyce a few months ago..she'll never get to drink
fruit punch either. Though..I don't think Buffy actaully liked fruit punch
that much. I'll...I'll never get to help her with her homework.. or..pizza...
patrols even. I..

She's gone. She's right here but she's gone. I'm looking at her but she's
far, far away. Maybe not even at all. We don't know but she's not here. 

Where's my pain? 

I don't feel anything at all. Just... a wind in my hair and everyone's eyes
on me. 

But no pain.. 

Oh.

Wait.

There it is.

**

I know where she is. My friend Willow. She..she... she's being eaten. She's
not hiding, she's inside somewhere. Her..she's...she's always been so strong
in the magic. Doing things so fast. Alright, it didn't always work all the
time, or even most of the time but when it did. We practiced spells, her and
me. I owe her so much. Not just for the magic, or...anything wiccan-ish. She's
my friend, and through her I've met these other friends and I've never had
friends before and it's all thanks to her. All I did was tell her ..as she
told me..I helped her with her Truth and she gave me all this. And they're
still my friends, even after all that nonsense with my family. Now, when it
counts the most I can't do anything...can't do anything at all.

She was..she is..so strong. Now though it's eating her. I can't help her.
None of us can. 

She...hunches over. I feel it first. This..wave of grief. Then I hear her.A
choked out hiccup, or ..something. She can't clear her throat, like all this
pain is trying to take actual form and rush out her throat but it's gotten
stuck and now she's choking on it.

None of us move. She..bends over a little more, her back is too us... I hear
something like she's gagging. Then the noise cuts off. She's clapped a hand
over her mouth so the only sound is a muffled ...noise.. over and over. Each
one drains her, she's falling lower and lower to her knees. 

Finally she's resting on one hand and her knees, the other still muffling her
sobs. 

We watch.

Goddess forgive all we do is watch.

She pulls her hand away slowly. Sniffs a few times, wipes her cheeks with the
back of her hands. Then, holding up her index and middle finger she collects
her tears, and then kisses the tips of her   
fingers, drinking the tears collected there. Slowly, she reaches out with her
fingers, fingers that were covered in tears and then blessed with a kiss..and
she touches the ground. 

She's stopped crying. 

Without a tremor or a bit of hesitation she stands back up. 

"Spike." She says. "Can I have her back?"

Wordlessly he complies.

She turns to face all of us. "We should go." She says.

Readjusting her...lover she turns and beging to walk away. I don't say
anything, what can I say? I just move to follow her. No one says anything
either. 

We make it about three steps before we hear the first screech of metal.

I spin around. We all do, Xander turns a little more slowly of course, he's
still carrying Anya.

The tower is falling. 

No, falling isn't the right word, it's like it's being crushed from above by
a giant hand. Or two fingers gently, but unceasingly pressed into the earth.
It buckles, twists and, with a shriek like...like no building ever
shrieked..collapses. The then the walls begin to cave...I can see a few roofs
begining to shudder as well. Glass windows explode outwards but the shards
don't fly far as they are suddenly forced into the ground as well. It's not
collapsing, it's not exploding. The whole place is being ground into the
earth. There is no shrapel flying around...just dust..dust being ground into
dust. 

The police cars screech to a stop in front of..what was seconds ago..a
construction site. Now it's...flast. It's good chance that the cops would find
more remains at ground zero of a nuclear explosion. 

Willow...she didn't even look back. 

Just walked on, down the street.

Carrying Buffy. 

Away.



	
	


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