Re: End of the Year State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for Nov. and Dec. 2002

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; Director of Public Safety; and all other interested
parties.
FROM: United Vegetable Empire
SUBJECT: End of the Year State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
November and December 2002


>Item 1:
>Regarding the rioting turkeys that are still running amok while being chased
>by a mob of mutant cranberries? now Tater, we have our little agreement
>about the veggies being your responsibility. However, I am going to have to
>protest the six-week stampede that is still going strong, that has torn upa
>good potion of the East Gutter near the Catholic Girl School. Tater I?m
>getting complaints from the NUNS! They keep coming in here in their black
>and white habits? confusing the hell out of the penguins that are still
>hiding in Quin?s office. And if one of the vampire-penguins ? that the
>Koala absolutely knows nothing about, although the said vamp-penguins ARE
>living in the Koala Kult Temple ? mistakes a nun for a penguin there is
>going to be hell to pay. First off, a vampire-penguin nun is just wrong? no
>matter how you look at it. And the Vatican doesn?t like us as is and is
>just looking for an excuse to have us exorcised off the planet, vamping one
>of their nuns by a penguin is so not going to help relations with the old
>stick-in-the-muds. So if it is not too much trouble? call off the mutant
>cranberries or have them out flank the turkeys and lure them into the
>demonic cabbage patch ? I don?t care which, I just want no more Nuns coming
>into my office to complain about mutant mobs of cranberries. Is that too
>much to ask?


So that's why Thanksgiving dinner is so late. The cranberries haven't
caught the turkeys yet. We plants are slow, and used to never getting
anything done in a timely manner, but still, we were starting to wonder.
Plus the crowd waiting around the table have been snacking on each other for
a while now. That's the downside to having a cannibalistic empire. I'll
dispatch reinforcements to aid the crannberries immediately. The celery, I
think. They won't mess up the flavor of the turkeys during the melee, since
they're going in the dressing anyway. We may be slow, but we're still going
to eat those birds. We should have the matter cleared up shortly. If the
celery doesn't get the job done, I'll send in the yams.


>Item 4:
>There? appears to be? a {cocks head to one-side and narrows eyes}? well I?m
>not sure what it is actually. But it appears to be a picture of two people;
>one is wearing a pale blue tuxedo with high-water pants, a pink ruffled
>shirt with a dandelion in the lapel, and holding this large heart-shaped
>box. The other is in a {cocks head to other side and turns picture 45
>degrees} Ms. Edith in an S&M leather dress. {Little bat?s eyes widen in
>disbelief} Oh gods! I think we just found Rod?s prom picture! {Drops
>offending picture and dives for the safety of a shadowy ceiling rafter
>shuddering in shock.} Gods? I know I?m going to have nightmares aboutthat
>image now? I need to start getting more hazard pay. {Shudders}


We have a special Extremely, Highly, Horribly, Unspeakably Toxic Waste
Disposal Unit, never you mind why. You want us to send them for the
picture? They'll put it where it will never be found. Or at least our
unspeakable things dump hasn't been found yet. We know this because we're
not in jail and there hasn't been an apocalypse. Well, not a serious one
anyway.


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)

Head: United Vegetable Empire