Re: Fic: A Walk in the Clouds 1/?

["mad-hamlet <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>" <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>]

Greetings,


> Feedback: Oh please please please. I'd be happy and write more and 
> everthing.


Fine. Consider this a bribe.



> Notes: /Thoughts/ ---- signifies a new reality----


BZzzzz! Danger, Danger Will Robinson, we have 'Keys' We have 'Keys'! 
Bzzzzz.

Why the redlights, whoop, whoop, whoop? Cause 'Keys' or a little 
dialiouge explaining various symbols in a fic are bad. There are 
grammatical rules for Thoughts. For most it's a Single quote. Ie.

"Look at me, whee I'm talking!" she said. 

Vs

'Now I am thinking deep thoughts,' She thought. 'I like cheese.'

Best to stick with basic grammar rules rather than fancy, flashy 
fandagoes. As for the new realities thing...wouldn't it be far more 
intresting to read about moving from each one and so on?


> 
> She's floating. There's really no other word for it.
> 
> Buffy's dreaming and she's floating.
> 

Damnit Buffy! Wear a PARACHUTE before falling asleep while plunging 
to the ground from an airplane!

> It's peaceful here. Everythings quiet. Not a itch of evil she's 
used 
> to.
> 
> Just peace.
> 
> "Weird dream" Buffy landed on an unseen floor.

Huh, perspective changed. It started with Prestet tense and now it's 
past tense. 

> Everythings black, no walls, no ceiling, and well duh- no floor.
> 
Back to present.

> Squinting and covering her eyes just as the lights appeared Buffy 
> preped for a fight.

Back to past.
> 
> "Do not be afraid. Nothing can harm you here" a child like voice 
> spoke calmy.
> 
> "Where is here?" tilting her head Buffy waited for her eyes to 
adjust 
> to the flashing lights.
> 
> "Nowhere" the voice came again.
> 
> "Ok Little miss cryptic can we cut the lights?" Buffy blinked 
> rapidly "I'm gonna heave here"

Heh. That's so Buffy.
> 
> "Oh sorry" the lights stopped flashing leaing a dull glow that 
Buffy 
> easily adjusted to.

whating a dull glow?
> 
> Before her stood a normal looking child in demin coveralls and a 
> turtle neck.
> 

Aww...KAWAII! 

> "What are you my spirit guide?" Buffy crouched down to the childs 
> level.
> 
> Silently they eyed each other.
> 
> Taking in a deep breath the child spoke "I am that which is in your 
> darkest nightmares" came a deep booming voice.
> "You cringe in your sleep at my deeds"
> 
> Standing up straight Buffy laughed, having to take in deep heaving 
> breaths to keep from passing out
> "That's great. You must be a kick at parties"
> 
> "Yeah they love it" the girl waved a hand in dismisal "So you're 
this 
> big bad prophecy breaking slayer"

HA! Nice. Great, I'm liking this little tyke. Well made. Well made 
indeed.

> 
> "I guess" Buffy shrugged "So what are you?"
> 
> "The Guiding Light" the girl held out a hand "Nice to meet you"
> 
> 
> "You have a choice" the girl pulled a notebook from a non-existent 
> pocket "the powers that screw-" 

Sigh, that's so true, so true indeed. Well put, hear, hear. I call 
for more 'Guides' with proper mortal attitudes.

she jumped back as
> a bolt of lighting struck at her feet "-be, have decided to grant 
you 
> something. You know for averting all hell breaking loose"
> 
>

-Snipittiy Doo Dah-

Okay between where I left off and where I begin again I got a few 
things to say. 

GREAT Dialiouge. Loved it. Snazzy, catchy, kinda got a funky, funky 
rhythm going for it. Very well done and true to the 
characters...charcter...as Buffy is the only one there Vaya is your 
own creation, but a good one. I like her.

Desciptions. Lacking. Course it's a black, on black, on black place 
so background descriptions would be kinda...boring. It was black. 
Then it was black some. Buffy checked her watch; nope still black. 
She hummed a few songs while black was black. See?

However the physical descriptions were sorta vauge and those that 
were there were rather ...abrupt. The leaping from lighting blasts, 
rolling eyes etc...those were okay but...what else? Tones of voice? 
Facial expressions? Hmm?


> "Living in the caves on the coast of Sunnydale. Sleeping for now" 
> Vaya urged Buffy towards the Vortex
> "She'll wake up in a few hundred years, kill about 70 people and 
lay 
> 10 eggs. And end modern man as we know it"


Bummer. I had vacations then too. 


> "Well that sux" Buffy bravely stepped up to the Vortex "Is this 
gonna 
> sting?"

Spelling. Don't use spelling slang in text. 

> "Only for a second" Vaya shoved her through.
> 
> Buffy screamed at she felt shocks all over her body. Sizzling and 
> scattering. The electricity ran over and through her
> body. Her clothes were ripped to shreds, and she was falling, naked 
> and burning, through the sky. The clouds parted
> their mist cooling her burning skin, dampening her frazzled hair. 
> Then the earth came up to meet her.

Now THAT'S a description! YEAH Baby! Magic Carpet Ride Time Through a 
Nuclear Power Plant! I'd like it a little longer but that's good.

> ---------------------------------

See? This? This I don't get. 

> It was then she first realized there was a warm body in the bed 
next 
> to her.
> 
> A warm naked body.
> 
> "Willow?" looking to her left she found the redhead laying back 
> against the pillows. Her arms outstretched
> above her head, the sheet and blanket making it's way down her 
torso.

At this point I'm pretty sure Buffy wouldn't want to leave.

> /Her nipples are pink/ Buffy thought staring down at the lissom 
> beauty / I thought they'd be darker/
> 
Well she hadn't given it enough thought. Still, those /thought/ thing 
really disctract me. Since you've said 'Buffy thought' there's no 
need for em. All they do is clutter up the prose.

> "Another bad dream?" Willow reached over and began to rub Buffy's 
> belly as she laid back down.

Lay, it's lay back down.
See 'Mad-Hamlet's Top Five Pet Peeves Of Fanfiction'.


> Buffy noticed a silver band on Willow's left ring finger. Bringing 
> the hand to her lips she kissed
> the ring mouthing the engraved designs.

Query: Is this Canon Buffy? Because if so she's taking the sudden 
appearence of Willow in bed naked and feeling romantic really well. 
Unless falling through realities sorta altered her personality to one 
that would 'fit in here'.

> Willow sighed in contentment, pressing ever closer hoping Buffy 
would want to make love. 

She's not the only one.

> 
> "I'm not made of glass Buffy. Making love won't hurt the baby"
> 
> Buffy's head was spinning. She was married to Willow and they were 
> having a..
> 
> /BABY/

Huh, is Buffy really sure she wants to leave? I mean, what's wrong 
with Willow in this one? Loving partner by day, serial cannibal by 
night or something?

Okay, this was good. I liked it. The idea is certainly different; a 
sort of tour de force of various realities all of them of sufficient 
waffines and cuddliness that the Slayer will want them all. Hopefull 
they'll all be Willow-Centric. Of course I'm suspiscious, the Powers 
The Screw(Yeah I said screw buddy, SCREW! Whatya gonna do about it? 
Feh, stupid Powers) never give things away for free.

The formatting could use a wee touch up here and there and there were 
some punctuation errors that were kinda distracting. Some more 
descriptions akin to Buffy's first dash through the spin cycle would 
be welcome.

Dialiouge seems to be your main strength. The characterzation of 
Buffy was very good, Willow I don't know about yet simply because 
there wasn't a lot of her. Your original creation I, as I've said, 
like and think she'll fit in well. So despite a few minor tweakable 
things this is pretty spiffy work. 

Yay you.

Go you.

Bring it on, you.

I'd recomend seeking out a beta-reader of some sort to aid in the 
final bit o'Spit'N'Polishin' but nothing drastic.

Yes, defintly an intresting fic, one I'll keep my eye on. 

I remain, as always,
Mad-Hamlet