RoundRobin: Chapter 18 - TheBear

["Jude <AmberBensonFan@xxxxxxxxxxx>" <AmberBensonFan@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Rising From The Wreckage
Chapter 18 - TheBear!

"Shall I take you straight home?" Giles asked, braking the long 
silence that had descended upon them.

"Home? I'm not sure?" Willow said, her mind whirling with the 
thoughts Giles had placed there. "The three of us, bound by love? 
what the heck does it mean?" she asked herself for the hundredth time.

"Not sure?" Giles paused, hoping Willow would complete her thought.  
When she remained silent, he asked, "Not sure that you want to go 
straight home?" 

"Not sure I have one." Willow said softly.

What disturbed Giles more than the statement, was the tone of her 
voice. It wasn't a `please reassure me,' statement, but more of a 
fatalistic questioning- as though she already knew the answer was 
no. "I think that you're mistaken, Willow. I think that you will 
find that your home, and the people that love you, are waiting for 
you with open arms."

Willow hoped he was right, but at the moment her hope was overpowered 
by her fear.

"Can I?" she began, and then was suddenly hesitant- did she have any 
right to ask him for this? She rationalized that he had come to her, 
not the other way around? "Can I stay on your couch tonight?"

"Of course you can, Willow. But you do need to face your friends? 
you mustn't hide from them?"

"You're right, but not tonight, please? I need? I need to figure out 
what I'm going to say to them." She shook her head, wondering if she 
could get through this. "Giles, I? I screwed up so bad, I don't know 
if I can fix this?"

Giles didn't say anything for a minute as they passed the `welcome to 
Sunnydale' sign. After a few blocks, he made the turn toward his 
apartment complex and said, "Let's get inside? I'll make some tea and 
we can discuss this?"

Willow couldn't help but snort out a chuckle, "Tea, the English cure-
all."

========== BtVS ==========

Willow and Giles had been talking for about thirty minutes, catching 
each other up on events when Willow finally started to let out some 
of the issues that had been festering inside her.

Giles was quite surprised when- after he had told her of his doings 
with the council- getting Buffy's stipend and such- Willow's response 
was, `A part of me hated you Giles.'

Willow blushed when she saw the shock in the older man's face. That 
had just kinda come out without her meaning it to. Now that it was 
out though? "You always treated me like I was some stupid little girl-
You knew I wanted to learn magic, you saw that I was doing it, but 
you refused to teach me anything." Willow stared down into her tea 
as she said, "I resented you so much for that? but maybe you were 
right. I got out of control? I lost myself in the darkness and 
ruined everything?"

Giles felt a brief flare of anger at Willow's accusation, but it died 
out even before her self-remonstration. "It was exactly that- the 
concern about the dark magic- that kept me from teaching you, 
Willow. I myself fell into that trap as a young man? and I was 
afraid that if I indulged you in your desire to learn the art, you 
too might be trapped."

Willow sipped her tea and whispered, "Well, you were right."

Giles pondered his response for a moment before saying, "No. I don't 
think I was."

Willow looked up at him with confusion writ large on her face.

Giles smiled at the befuddled redhead. "I believe that my fears 
became a self-fulfilling prophecy." He took his glasses off and 
stared at them as he held them in his lap. He took a deep breath and 
began speaking; "I was mostly self taught in the magical arts- as you 
have been. I didn't have anyone to guide my development, and as a 
result, no one to keep me from accessing the darker magics. It 
wasn't until someone died that I realized my horrible mistake."

Willow nodded and said, "Eyghon."

Giles looked up and gave her a brief, wan smile; nodding his 
head, "Yes, Eyghon." He returned his glasses to his face and 
admitted, "I suppose I believed that I could keep you from following 
in my footsteps? if I simply forbade you from studying certain texts? 
I tried to hide the dark magics from you, hoping that you would then 
be safe." He shook his head, lamenting, "Rather stupid of me, of 
course. I should have known I couldn't hide information from you- 
after all, one of your prime utilities to the group was discovering 
hidden information."

Willow was again staring down into her tea as she said, "I should 
have listened to you and stayed away from those things."

Giles smiled and said, "Of course you should have listened to me, 
just as I should have listened to you."

Willow looked up, again confused.

"Perhaps, if I had truly listened to your desires to practice magic? 
if I had bothered to actually teach you? you might have stayed away 
from the darker magics- if only till you were better prepared to 
understand the consequences of their use."

Willow really wanted to accept that, to shed a little of her self-
blame onto Giles? but her newly found self-awareness and her decision 
to be honest with herself and everyone else wouldn't allow it. "It 
probably wouldn't have mattered, Giles."

"Oh?" he asked, surprised.

Willow shook her head, "I wanted to be super-Willow. I wanted to be 
strong enough to fight right alongside Buffy." A tear slipped down 
her cheek as she admitted, "I wanted to be as good as her? or better."

Giles was surprised by that, "You were jealous of Buffy?"

"Honesty sucks!" she thought to herself as she felt compelled to 
correct his misconception- no matter how much she wanted to hide 
behind it and not reveal the truth. "No, not jealous of her, more 
like `couldn't live without her'."

Missing her meaning, Giles attempted to console her. "There is 
nothing wrong with wanting to protect your friends, Willow. I know 
that you care greatly for Buffy?"

Willow shook her head, again having to correct a misconception that 
she'd rather let lie. "No, Giles. You really don't know. One of 
the reasons I got so flustered about that prophecy, is because? 
because it sounded so good."

Giles frowned, not sure he was understanding her.

"I love Tara, I really, really do. And, I want nothing more than for 
us to get back together?" Willow began.

Giles nodded, yes he understood that, he thought.

"But even if we can get past all the bad stuff that happened?" Willow 
took a deep breath and admitted, "I don't know if she'll be able to 
forgive me for loving Buffy too."  

This was the part Giles didn't understand.

Seeing incomprehension on his face, she clarified, "For being *in 
love* with Buffy too."

"Ahh," Giles breathed, getting it at last.

"And then," Willow went on, revealing all of her fears, "even if Tara 
can forgive me for that? even if she could accept that? there's 
Buffy." Her voice almost a sob, she said, "Giles, I ripped her out 
of heaven- and I didn't do it because I thought she was in hell; well 
I did think that, but that wasn't why I did it, I did it because I 
was selfish? because I couldn't live without her." She looked back 
down at her tea, as though seeking some kind of answer there.  

"And I? if I had known where she was?" Hot, bitter tears of shame 
began to fall from Willow's eyes as she quietly admitted, "I'm not 
sure it would've made any difference?"

========== BtVS ==========

"Good morning, Mr. Giles," Tara said brightly as she entered the 
magic box on her way to class the next morning.  

"Good morning, Tara," he replied with trepidation, knowing Willow 
hadn't expected to face any of the Scoobies till later in the day.

Tara caught the strange tone to the watcher's voice an started to 
ask, "Is something wro?" She noticed movement out of the corner of 
her eye and turned her head as she spoke. Her voice stopped working 
when she recognized just who was sitting at the research table.

"Oh Goddess!" Willow thought, sitting frozen like a deer in the 
headlights. She had tentatively planned to spend the morning 
figuring out who to see, in what order and what she'd say to each of 
them. She even had a pad and pen out- she'd put each name down and 
left space to make notes.  

Each space was still completely blank even after sitting there for 
almost an hour.

Tara saw the wide eyes and the look of fear on the redhead's face.  
She thought her heart was tearing in two again, seeing that fear.  
Her voice restarted long enough to breath out her name in one 
explosive exhalation. She unconsciously choked back a sob and didn't 
even feel the tears running down her face. Her hand made one aborted 
effort to reach out for the girl, almost as if she feared that it was 
only a mirage that might fade away at any moment.

Willow felt Tara's tears as though they were her own. She felt so 
deeply ashamed of how she'd hurt this precious and wonderful person.  
Hot tears of sorrow and pain began to rain down her face as she heard 
Tara's hesitant `is it really you?' asked with such anxious wonder; 
as though the blond witch were afraid she'd run away.

A small part of Willow's mind bitterly protested, "Remember, she left 
you!" The greater, and smarter, part of her apparently fractured 
psyche reminded her, "Yes, after you mind raped her twice!" which 
pretty effectively shut down the complainer. Meanwhile, her mouth 
was left pretty much on it's own and was only able to come up 
with, "Hi," accompanied by a small wave of her hand. Her mind was 
unanimous in remonstrating, "Hi!? Is that the best you could come up 
with?"

Tara's tears almost turned to laughter as she saw Willow's face 
contorting in what had to be an internal babbling argument with 
herself. She'd seen that look many times before, and it had never 
failed to make her laugh in the past.

Giles broke the tension somewhat by suggesting, "Why don't the two of 
you go in the back? I imagine you have a great deal to talk about?"

Tara turned to the older man and smiled a wide, genuine smile- 
grateful for both the idea, and the interruption. She nodded her 
head and turned back to Willow.

Willow also silently nodded her head and then walked back into 
Buffy's training room. She was filled with dread and 
anticipation. `We can work it out,' Tara had written in her email.  
Willow wanted that so badly that her teeth hurt. Although that might 
just be because her jaw was clenched shut.

Tara trailed the redhead into the back room, very unsure of herself.  
She didn't know how or what to say; Willow's body language was stiff 
and angry. Tara knew that she was the one who had been wronged, at 
least initially, by Willow's actions, but she felt responsible for 
not doing enough in the first place to see the problems Willow had 
been having.  

Plus, Tara felt guilty for leaving. Despite Buffy's reassurances and 
explanations, Tara couldn't get it out of her mind that Willow might 
not have run away if Tara hadn't done it first.

Willow was startled out of her fugue state when she heard `I'm sorry 
Willow.' She spun around, jaw dropped in surprise- of all the ways 
this would go, she had never imagined it would begin with Tara 
apologizing to her. "What?" she asked, not able to formulate a more 
intelligent question at that moment.

Tara had her eyes down and her arms wrapped around herself, as if to 
try and hold back from exploding from all the pain and hurt and worry 
that rumbled in her stomach. "I sh- shouldn't have l- left you."  
She lifted her eyes to meet Willow's open-mouthed stare and 
continued, "Please, Willow; I'm s- so sorry!"  

Willow's jaw snapped shut and her lips rolled inward in that way they 
did when she was trying not to cry. Not that she was being 
successful in that endeavor. She stepped over to her ex- and 
hopefully future- girlfriend and reached out with her hand to cup her 
face. She wanted to say that there was nothing to forgive? that Tara 
did the right thing and she shouldn't be sorry for it? but the truth 
was that Willow did harbor some resentment for that.  

She knew she didn't have the slightest right to be mad about it, but 
she still was. Just as she had lashed out at Buffy after the car 
crash, when she herself had been totally in the wrong, so she had 
felt angry at Tara for leaving when it was her own actions that drove 
the blond witch away.

"Oh, Tara? I?" she stopped, not knowing what to say. `I forgive 
you' felt hypocritical, but what else could she say? "Tara, there's 
so much I need to apologize for? I did so much? I can't believe you 
even feel bad for leaving after what I did?"

"I shouldn't have left, I don't know what I should have done, but I 
know I shouldn't have left you. I? I just? I should have tried 
harder to fix things?" Tara stumbled through her thoughts, trying to 
convey them to Willow so she'd understand.

Willow couldn't hold back the tears after that. "Oh Baby," she 
cried. "I was so out of control? and I didn't? I totally couldn't 
see it." She dropped her eyes as she honestly admitted, "I didn't 
want to see it."

"But you see it now?" Tara asked hesitantly. She could forgive 
Willow anything, but she had lingering concerns that the problems 
wouldn't be fixed, that the same things might happen again unless 
Willow really understood what she'd done.

Willow nodded her head, deeply ashamed for the things that had gone 
on- stuff Tara didn't even know about.

"Willow? if you can forgive me for not being there for you, for 
running away? I can forgive you for anything? for everything." Tara 
said. "I already forgave you for the Lethe spell?"

Willow looked at her in disbelief, "How?" she asked. Such little 
spells, but they had such a horrible impact. And the worst was, when 
she did them, she really didn't think she was doing anything 
wrong. "I practically raped you with those spells."

"I couldn't at first, but now I can- because I think you really 
understand now." Tears were pouring down her face just as they were 
Willow's as she explained, "It hurt me so much when I figured it out? 
I think mostly because you didn't think it was a big deal? that what 
you did was ok."

Willow now had her arms wrapped around herself in an unconscious 
attempt to guard herself. Tara's words were like repeated punches to 
her stomach. She felt like running away again, but she knew she 
needed to hear this- she needed to let Tara do and say anything and 
everything she wanted to- whatever it took so that they could maybe 
move past it.

"But, I already forgave all that, Willow. I had to- it was eating me 
up from the inside the longer I held onto it."

Willow was shaking her head, "I don't think? you don't know? I did so 
much, Tara, and I don't know if you can forgive me for all of it. I 
don't know if I can forgive myself for all of it.

========== BtVS ==========

Tara was just about cried out. For the past hour she had listened to 
Willow pour out her soul- confessing everything she had done leading 
up to, and after Tara had left.

She had told Tara about the Lethe spells, not only that she'd cast 
them, but what she'd been thinking as she'd done them. She told her 
about her and Amy at the Bronze, all the people she'd cast on? what 
she'd turned them into?  

She talked about her visits to the warlock Rack. The almost sexual 
bliss of the dark magic she'd swum through? again, not only revealing 
facts, but talking about how it had made her feel, how much she'd 
enjoyed it. She talked about taking Dawn with her, and the flight 
from the demon that she'd summoned. She told Tara about her argument 
with Buffy and subsequent move out of the Summers household. She 
talked about her anger and pain and eventual realization that she'd 
done all these things to herself and the other Scoobies.

Tara got to relive Willow's revulsion and horror, her self hatred, 
and her spiral down until she crashed at rock bottom in LA. She felt 
Willow's fear at the attacks from the werewolf and warlock. She felt 
the overwhelming sense of terror that must have accompanied the trap 
with `The Gentlemen' at the UCLA campus. It was apparent that Willow 
felt guilty for using magic in those two situations, which Tara 
thought was ridiculous. She'd be dead if she hadn't!

Finally Willow seemed to wind down and Tara spoke at last. "Willow, 
I think you need to forgive yourself for most of that- and I don't 
think you did anything wrong by using magic when you were attacked  
If anything, it seems like you've gotten much better from where you 
were when you left Sunnydale. As much as it hurt to know that you 
left, and as scared as I was that you w- wouldn't come back, it 
sounds like you n- needed it, and it helped."

Willow looked up at the ceiling, wishing her tears would stop. "I 
did so much Tara. And, yeah I think I'm better than I was when I got 
to LA, I still did horrible things? and I guess I have a hard time 
believing that anyone could forgive me for them?" so far she'd left 
out the two things that she thought were the worst, or at least that 
she thought Tara would never forgive her for.

Tara sensed that Willow needed to hear her say she forgave her. She 
didn't think it was her place to say it- not because she begrudged 
Willow forgiveness, but because she didn't think that she was the 
injured party. However, Willow needed to hear it, so she walked over 
and took the redhead's face in her hands and said, "Willow, I forgive 
you for all of that. I don't even think that any of that was against 
me, but whether it was or not, I forgive you."

Tara tried to embrace the redhead, and was both surprised and 
extremely disappointed at what happened next.  

Willow stepped away from the encircling arms, despite wanting nothing 
more than to bury her face in Tara's neck and hold the blond witch 
tightly. She turned her back and moved a couple meters away, 
saying, "There's something else."

Tara felt like someone has poured ice-water down her back, and it had 
somehow formed a solid lump in her stomach. "Oh," she whispered as 
she began to feel light headed. "You don't? w- wa- ant me? 
anymore?" Her knees buckled and she stumbled, sitting down heavily 
on the floor. It felt like her very soul was pulling away from her 
body.

When Oz had come back to Sunnydale just when Tara had believed she 
and Willow were about to take their relationship to the next level; 
she had thought the ache in her heart was the worst thing she could 
ever feel. Now she knew there were unplumbed depths of pain she had 
yet to explore.

Willow whirled around upon hearing Tara's whisper, just in time to 
see the beautiful girl she loved so much stumble and fall. "NO!" she 
exclaimed as she rushed over. "Goddess! No, Tara! I want you so 
much it's like my heart is trying to break out of my chest, just so 
it can be closer to you! I'm just terrified that when I tell you 
what I? that?" she barely choked back a sob, "that you won't want me 
anymore!"

With a lurch, Tara felt her heart start beating again. She still 
felt a chill running through her flesh and her skin turned to 
gooseflesh on her arms and legs. She couldn't speak yet and she just 
stared into Willow's eyes, trying to somehow convey the impossibility 
of such a scenario.

Willow stayed crouched down, holding Tara's hands, but turned her 
head and looked away. "When I was in LA? I? I was staying with 
Cordelia. She? we? we were both going through really bad stuff, and? 
we tried to be there for? each other. You know? comfort each other, 
and?"

Tara did feel pain at what she was sure must have happened, but it 
wasn't the pain of betrayal; it was more the case that she was hurt 
and angry with herself for not `being there' for Willow- so that she 
had to find someone else to comfort her. "You slept with her," she 
said, trying to keep her voice even and unemotional.

Willow just nodded jerkily, still looking away from Tara. She 
fearfully awaited Tara's condemnation, feeling angry with herself for 
her weakness.

"Did it help?" Tara asked, again trying to keep any negative emotion 
out of her voice.

Willow wanted to say `no', wanted to call it a horrible mistake? but 
that wouldn't be truthful. She pulled her hands away, feeling the 
overwhelming need to put a little distance between her and the 
vilification she was sure to come, though she believed that she 
deserved no less. "It? yes. I- I needed? I felt so horrible, so? 
unlovable? And, it was just once?" she trailed off, wincing at that 
pathetic attempt to ameliorate her infidelity.

Tara climbed shakily to her feet. Yes she felt jealous at the 
thought of *her* Willow in some stranger's arms- well stranger to 
Tara anyway; but she couldn't revile Willow for what she herself had 
done? Although? she could imagine sharing Willow's heart with Buffy, 
because she herself loved the Slayer, but what if? "Do you love her?" 
she asked, suddenly worried again.

Willow turned back to face Tara, wanting her to know? well she 
couldn't say her love was undivided, but it wasn't focused on 
Cordelia Chase? "No." She shook her head, "I mean, yes, as a friend, 
and now more than ever, but no, not `in love,' love."  

Tara let go the breath she was unconsciously holding, feeling greatly 
relieved.

If it was possible, Willow felt even worse at Tara's sigh of relief.  
She forestalled her ex-girlfriend's next words, imagining they might 
actually be ones of forgiveness- which would doubtless turn back to 
vituperation when she heard the last, and in Willow's opinion, worst 
betrayal.

Tara cocked her head and frowned when Willow raise her hand in 
a `stop' gesture.

"I love you, Tara, and I'm not in love with Cordelia chase? but?" 
Willow began, adrenaline making her hands shake as she closed in on 
this last admission- one she'd been keeping even from herself for a 
long time.

Tara tentatively said, "but you are `in love' with somebody? else?"

Willow nodded miserably.

"Somebody other than me and Buffy?" Tara said, a tiny bit fearful, 
but nearly certain that's who it had to be. "Goddess!" she thought 
with barely restrained joy. "It's perfect!"

Willow's mouth sagged in shock. "Y- y- you, you knew?" she asked, 
thrown both by Tara's knowing, and by the complete absence of 
invective and shouting- which she had been totally expecting. It was 
her turn to feel her legs turn to Jell-O and begin to collapse.  

Tara saw Willow begin to fall and was there in an instant. She 
wrapped Willow in a tight hug and this time her tears were of 
absolute happiness. "I love you so much!" she cried softly into 
Willow's ear. She leaned away, and then back in to capture the still-
stunned redhead's lips in a desperate kiss- not in fearful 
desperation, but rather in overwhelming desire to communicate her 
feelings of love and adoration. She had her Willow back! And it 
looked like she would get to have Buffy too!

Stunned she might be, but the feel of Tara's lips was something she'd 
been longing for since the beautiful blond moved out. To have that 
sensation once again, after baring her soul and revealing every 
horrible, terrible thing she'd done and said and felt? her arms moved 
of their own accord, wrapping Tara in a frantic embrace as though she 
feared she would disappear.  

After breaking off the wonderful kiss with some reluctance, Tara had 
to pant for a few moments to catch her breath again. She avoided 
Willow's attempt to recapture her lips and said, "We have to go!"

Willow whined, "Go? No, we should stay right here," and again tried 
to consume Tara's mouth.

Tara smirked as she stepped back from Willow, not enough to break 
their embrace, but enough to look her in the eye and say, "Much as 
I'd like to test out those mats?" she indicated the padded mats on 
the floor with a tilt of her head.

Willow's eyes went wide with a little surprise and a lot of desire at 
Tara's surprisingly spicy words.

Tara grinned at the look in Willow's eyes as she continued, "We have 
to go home, right now."

Willow's smile dimmed a little as she said, "Home?" 

"Yes, Willow. Our home? I moved back in, and Buffy and Dawn and I 
have been waiting for the missing member of our family to come back 
to us," Tara said with a look of sincere joy in her eyes.

Willow felt a range of dichotomous emotions- melting warmth, chilling 
fear, happiness, sadness, and so on. "They, they aren't a- angry 
with me?" she asked in a high voice.

Tara felt that absolute truthfulness was going to be highly necessary 
for the foreseeable future, if they wanted to make their fractured 
relationships heal and grow, so she didn't offer the strong 
reassurance Willow was looking for. "Oh, sweetie? they're a little 
bit angry, just like you are with them, I'm sure. But they both want 
you back way more than they're angry. They'll forgive you, and 
you'll forgive them? and there's some stuff Buffy has to tell you- 
that you didn't even know- that she needs you to forgive her for."

Willow wasn't sure she was sold on this trip `home'. Being here in 
Tara's arms was awfully hard to want to trade for more emotional 
turmoil.

Tara smiled at the childlike look of stubbornness on Willow's face.  
It reminded her of the look she had when she didn't want to get out 
of bed some mornings. She knew she had to- and she would- but she 
didn't like it one bit. Tara said, "And? Buffy and I have something 
to tell you. Something that I think you're gonna like a lot."

Predictably, Willow asked, "What?" as though she were a little kid 
who'd been promised a present.  

Tara stepped away from Willow's loosened embrace and took her 
hand. "Un uh! Come on, you'll find out when we get there." At 
Willow's pout, she added in a kind of sing-song voice, "The sooner we 
go, the sooner you'll know," while pulling the recalcitrant redhead 
along.

========== BtVS ==========

Buffy was walking around the house, lost in thought. She had woken 
up when Tara left to go to class around nine and wasn't able to fall 
back asleep. Her mind kept revolving round and round about Tara, and 
Willow, and her and Tara's conversation after dinner last night.

"Conversation, that's funny," she thought. It would have been a 
fight, almost? except for Tara's steadfast refusal to rise to Buffy's 
provocations. "God, is it always me that starts these fights?" she 
wondered. She thought back to her fight with Willow that had led to 
her moving out, and eventually leaving town altogether. Yes Willow 
had been wrong, and out of control? but it wasn't like she was 
denying it. Pretty much the opposite, in fact- she was crying her 
eyes out and begging for forgiveness? "and my response? Attack," 
Buffy thought sadly.  

Tara had taken exception to Buffy's insistence that she focus on 
Willow while backing away from Buffy until she and redheaded witch 
had repaired their relationship. Buffy tried to argue that Willow 
wouldn't understand, and might feel like she was being pushed away 
again. Tara hadn't even bothered to address that; she just told 
Buffy she was being dishonest again, that she was speaking from her 
fear and trying to pull away again.

Buffy blushed when she remembered how she had tried to deny that she 
was afraid. Tara had stood up from the couch, and walked across the 
room to where Buffy had unconsciously retreated into a corner. Buffy 
remembered with shame how she had braced herself- "As if Tara would 
ever do anything to hurt me!" she rebuked herself. No, Tara had just 
gently taken Buffy's hands, uncrossed her arms and then wrapped them 
around herself and hugged the Slayer. "Are you sure you aren't maybe 
just a little afraid?" Tara had gently asked her.

Kinda hard to deny it at that point.

Buffy remembered breaking down a little bit then; tears starting at 
her eyes as she admitted, "I messed up, Tara. I drove her away and 
I'm afraid she won't forgive me this time, especially if she knows 
about what you and I did."

"Oh, sweetie! How could Willow ever not forgive you? She's only 
loved you forever!" Tara had tried to reassure her.

Buffy wasn't comforted though. "I don't know, Tara. I- I- I've hurt 
her so many times. I- I push her away, or I run away? and she's 
always?" she sniffed loudly and said, "I think I went to far this 
time? she actually sl- slapped me, Tara! I've never seen her so mad."

"You both said things you didn't mean, or maybe you meant them, but 
not with the anger that you had," Tara had her own tears flowing as 
she said, "We all made mistakes. I should never have l- left? I 
don't know what I sh- should have done?"

Now it was Buffy's turn to offer comfort. "Tara, Willow loves you.  
You know that?"

Tara leaned away from Buffy, keeping her arms around the Slayer's 
waist, but wanting to look into her eyes. "I know that she did, I 
hope she still does?" Tara moved one hand up to cup Buffy's face and 
her voice was intense as she said, "we can't put this aside though, 
Buffy. I don't want to walk away from you to get to Willow. I want 
us to both reach out and bring Willow in?"

Standing in her living room, looking over at the corner where last 
night's discussion had taken place, Buffy felt a shiver of warmth 
wash through her. Her head was cocked to the side as if she could 
once again press into Tara's warm hand on her cheek. Her eyes 
slipped closed and she remembered what Tara had said and done next.

"Buffy, I?" Tara had to swallow hard; it felt like her heart was 
trying to escape out her throat. "I don't? Not being with Willow 
hurts so much!"

Buffy nodded, "Me too!" she whispered painfully.

Tara nodded along with Buffy, but added, "but I think letting you 
walk away from me? from u- us would hurt just as much? I l- love 
you? I'm in love with you?"

It was kinda silly how strongly that hit Buffy. "I mean we just made 
love a couple of hours earlier, and we talked about the three kinds 
of love? it's not like it was coming out of left field or anything?"  
Still, even now half a day later remembering it made her feel all 
warm and gooey inside.

Her response had been to pull the blonde witch tightly against her 
and kiss that pouty mouth- deeply, slowly and lovingly until she was 
almost out of breath. "Oh, God, Tara! I? How can I be in love with 
you and Willow both? I'm so scared of loosing either of you. I? 
my?" she turned her head and lowered her eyes as she painfully 
admitted, "?my track record isn't so good with love?"

Tara smiled at that, "I know you're scared sweetie. Just p- please 
don't let it stop you from trying?"

Buffy wanted to, she wanted to believe that the three of them could? 

Seeing her internal struggle, Tara said, "Buffy, you know Willow; 
you've known her for years? you know her even better than I do. And, 
you know me? about my family? all my secrets."

Buffy remembered not having a clue where Tara had been going with 
that, but she nodded; yes, she knew Willow and Tara.

Tara had continued, "How well did you know Angel, or Parker, or 
Riley?"

That's when she got it. That's when she realized that this could, 
maybe, work. With dawning realization she'd whispered, "Not really? 
not at all." This time when she looked back up at Tara's face, she'd 
been more hopeful than scared.  

Buffy didn't notice that she was smiling like a fool as she stood 
there staring at the corner, not really seeing it as it was now, but 
remembering the thoughts and feelings from last night. She and Tara 
had gone to bed soon after that. Together. No, they hadn't re-
enacted the passion of earlier in the evening, but just slept in each 
other's arms. And, it had felt so right, so amazingly right.

Buffy had no idea how long she'd been standing there when she heard 
the door to her house open up. Dawn and Tara were both at school, 
she thought, so who would be walking into her house?

She turned around to see Tara walk through the door. She was happy 
to see her new love, in fact, she felt almost giddy, given that she'd 
just been standing there daydreaming about the lovely blonde witch.  
Buffy smiled widely at the excited look on Tara's face. She 
said, "Not that I'm not overjoyed to see you, but what happened to 
your classes?" she asked.

"Buffy!" Tara said, breathless from hurrying home. "Look what I 
found!" 

Buffy's eyebrows crinkled when Tara turned back to the door and 
started waving furiously, whispering sotto voice, "come on!" Her 
confusion peaked as Tara grimaced, somehow while still smiling, and 
stepped half way out the door. She started to walk over to her when 
Tara came back in holding someone's hand and pulling them in. When 
she saw who it was Buffy stopped, frozen.

========== BtVS ==========

Willow Rosenberg's heart was hammering in her chest and she was stiff 
with fear as Tara forcibly pulled her into the Summers' home, once- 
and maybe again- her home too. Every step she'd taken towards this 
house from the sidewalk to the door had seemed like she was walking 
through hardening cement. Buffy was in that house. The last time 
she'd seen the Slayer, she'd screamed at her and slapped her across 
the face as hard as she could.

Her amazing relief and joy that Tara had totally forgiven her, and 
wanted her back as a girlfriend, had helped her make it to the door, 
but then she'd stopped, unable to make that last step. Fear was like 
a brick wall blocking her from forward motion. Not only was there a 
little bit of physical fear- even though she didn't believe Buffy 
would ever actually hurt her physically- but there was a big, giant 
mound of fear that Buffy wouldn't forgive her. She didn't know what 
she would do if that happened.

"Oh Goddess!" she thought as she stumbled into the house and saw her.

"Willow?" Buffy squeaked out, as though she wasn't sure what she was 
seeing could be real. Her smile faltered as she saw the redhead.  
All the optimism she'd mustered last night washed away in the ice-
water of fear that poured into her. But? "Tara's smiling. That's 
gotta mean something good, right?" she wondered, desperately grasping 
for some kind of reassurance.

Willow saw Buffy's quivering lips, heard her add, "Is it really you?" 
and saw the blonde's eyes well up with tears.  

Buffy saw Willow bite her lip trying to keep from shedding the tears 
that were threatening to spill. She heard her best friend for the 
last five years softly cry, "Oh, Buffy!"

Just like that, they were in each other's arms, collapsing to the 
floor and crying a chorus of `I'm so sorry's and `please forgive me's.

========== BtVS ==========

It took Tara about five minutes to get them up off the floor and on 
the couch. She sat on the coffee table kinda between them, but not 
separating them. She encouraged them to make their detailed 
apologies, knowing neither would be fully honest without some 
encouragement.

Buffy went white with shock hearing about Willow's time in LA, the 
attacks from the mage, the werewolf, and the gentlemen. "What, do 
they regenerate?" she asked rhetorically. "I thought we killed them 
all!"

It hurt Buffy to hear about Willow's tryst with Cordelia, even though 
she acknowledged that she hardly had any right to feel like that.  
She both resented and appreciated Tara forcing her to admit that 
hurt, and to forgive Willow for it.  

For her part, Willow felt like she had betrayed Buffy and was 
grateful for forgiveness. She got to feel exactly what Buffy had 
felt as she listened to her describe her brief madness with Spike.  
Willow felt hurt even though she knew it wasn't about her. She 
forgave Buffy without prompting from Tara.  

When Buffy had confessed everything up to her and Tara's `changed 
relationship' she trailed off, glancing at the blond witch.

Willow noticed the furtive glance and looked over at Tara herself, 
trying to figure out what that meant. All she saw was a serene and 
joyous smile.

Tara slid her hand into Willow's, interlacing their fingers and 
gently squeezing. She knew Willow would never voluntarily tell Buffy 
the last thing she had `confessed' to her; not because she was 
ashamed, but because she couldn't possibly believe Buffy would want 
her. She thought both Willow and Buffy were blind. She could see 
the desire there even before either of them ever admitted it. Of 
course, she had been completely shocked when Buffy had kissed 
her, "So I guess I can't talk?" she thought.

"Willow, I want you to tell Buffy the other thing." Tara said gently.

Willow's eyes went wide and she shook her head, shooting a glance 
toward a confused looking Buffy and then back to Tara, her whole body 
stiff and radiating terror. "I- I- I?"

"Willow!" Tara said firmly, interrupting her fearful 
stuttering. "It'll be ok, I promise!"

Willow was still rigid with fear, but the love and sincerity 
radiating from Tara's eyes held a promise that she couldn't help but 
believe. She slowly forced herself to look at Buffy, seeing 
confusion and concern there. Her eyes slipped shut, squeezing out 
fresh tears? she just couldn't look Buffy in the eye and say it- she 
was too afraid that she'd see rejection there, and that would 
absolutely break her heart. She squeezed Tara's hand hard and 
blurted out, "I'm in love with you," having to do it fast lest she 
fail to do it at all. Even though Tara obviously wanted her to say 
it, she still felt like she was betraying her girlfriend all over 
again as she said it. Plus there was the big ringing-silence coming 
from Buffy that had her heart racing like she was being chased by a 
whole pack of vampires.

Buffy felt her heart hammering in her chest, and she started 
breathing really fast. She shot another glance over to Tara and saw 
her nod and smile so brightly that it felt like Buffy was staring at 
the sun. she looked down as she felt Tara's fingers interlacing with 
hers.

Finally Willow opened her eyes, her burning curiosity to get some 
reaction from Buffy overwhelming her fear of what that response would 
be.  

Buffy found her voice when she saw Willow open her eyes. The fear of 
rejection she saw there almost broke her heart. "You love me?" she 
squeaked, immediately chastising herself for such a stupid 
question. "Obviously she wouldn't have that look in her eyes, not to 
mention she wouldn't have said it at all if it wasn't true," she 
thought.

Willow felt a burning sensation in her lungs and realized she had 
been holding her breath. She released the air in her lungs in an 
explosive whoosh when Buffy smiled at her with a radiant glow of 
happiness such as Willow couldn't remember ever seeing in the 
Slayer's face before.

"Me too. I? I mean I'm in love too, Will. With you I mean," Buffy 
babbled.

It was Willow's turn to ask, "Really? I? you? Really?" she 
stuttered, her gut filled with mishmash of feelings that she couldn't 
really separate and identify at the moment.

Buffy nodded slowly, confessing, "for a long time, I think. I think 
I just? I dunno, like didn't wanna see it, maybe." She looked back 
at Tara, love shining on her face yet some more as she said, "But, 
Tara made me face up to it? to a lot of things actually."

Her attention drawn back to her girlfriend, she wondered how Tara 
could be so happy about this, after it kinda left her out? didn't 
it? Then she noticed Tara's other hand intertwined with Buffy's, and 
the look they were sharing? she got a quizzical look on her face as 
she questioned, "Tara?"

Tara looked away from one girl she loved to the other. Taking in her 
confused look, Tara simply said, "Me too."

Willow frowned, "You too?" then it struck her that Tara meant she 
was in love with Buffy too and her eyes widened. She looked back and 
forth between the blondes, "You mean, you two?"

Both Buffy and Tara locked eyes and nodded, smiling happily. 

Willow thought she recognized the look on Tara's face, having put it 
there herself on occasion before their breakup. "Oh! You two?" she 
gestured helplessly with her free hand, "?too?"

Buffy dropped her eyes to her lap, ashamed and feeling like she'd 
cheated on Willow.

Tara didn't drop her eyes. She looked Willow straight on, almost a 
hint of challenge in her eyes as she nodded her head.

Willow felt an initial flare of anger, but it was quickly snuffed out 
by shame. She had sought solace in the arms of someone she didn't 
even love- though they were close. How then could she begrudge Buffy 
and Tara, who were apparently in love with each other, as well as 
with her? She felt her heart swell again at the thought of being 
able to have both of her loves.

Tara inclined her head toward Buffy, as if making a suggestion.

Willow immediately picked up on it and looked back at the guilty-
feeling blond. "My love," she thought happily. She took Buffy's 
free hand in her own, so that all three were connected equally with 
each other. "Ok," she said with a smile as Buffy looked first at her 
hand, the up at the redhead with fear and hope in her eyes.

"Ok?" Buffy asked, still needing a little reassurance.

Willow's smile widened and she nodded. 

Both witches beamed in the light of Buffy's joyful smile.

She knew there was going to be a lot of talking needed, plus there 
was the whole `The Beast' issue, and the prophecy? However, the only 
thing Buffy could think of as she leaned in to kiss her best friend- 
and hopefully soon to be lover- for the first time was, "I'm so glad 
they brought me back!"