"First Date"-slightly shorter review--SPOILERS FOR EP!!!

[danspector@xxxxxxxxx]

Well, David Boreanaz was pretty good and Tracy Middendorf rocked the
house as Tina and it was great seeing Cordelia again and the villains
were cool. OTOH, all that exposition in Act 1 went over like a dead
fish, some of the jokes were awful and it definitely wasn't Joss's best
work as a director.  

Oh, wait, that's my review of "City Of", the first episode of "Angel".
See, that's what comes of having bought the DVDs--I was way more
interested in that than the new "Buffy".

For my review of "First Date", 

follow

me

down

here

past

the 

ever-present

Spoiler

Space


Okay, I'm going to spoil this one at the start. I hated the damn ep.
If you're one of those people on the BuffyWantsWillow list who
multi-ships Buffy/Spike, too, I'd advise you to delete this now because
my anti-Spuffyness gets a real workout here.

Similarly, if you're one of those who allegedly reads these reviews for
plot recaps (which they definitely are NOT) or to "get charged up about
the show" (and where the idea that as a moderator, I had to stay
positive about the series came from, I have NO idea) or if you don't
like my being negative, leave this review, now, please. Trust me, you
don't want to see this.

Also, I'd stop reading if you don't like to see me write the word "Fuck"
a lot. By which I mean, A LOT.

Anyway, here we go. And although the above paragraphs were written
after the whole review was complete, the review itself was, as ever,
written "on-the-fly", ie, my impressions as I watched the show.

Previously...

Lots of Andrew. Ugh. Unless he dies.

ACT 1:

Well, at least we got to see what happened at the end of "Sleeper", no
matter how implausible it might be.

Anya told Spike Giles was the First Evil? When??? Spike had gone to
the Initiative *before* Robson called and scared the ninnies. Once he
got back, Anya knew Giles was Giles.

And why do they make Spike look moronic by trying to tackle
"FirstGiles"?? Mind you, I loathe Spike and it's nice that the show
realizes getting physical with the First is silly, but this makes Spike
look foolish, and makes Buffy look thick for punching "FirstWarren" last
week. Add it to Willow not being able to find a thing about the
Initiative unless it's on a web site (helloooo? Don't you remember what
"hacking" means?) and Spike forgetting that he had the Trio analyze his
chip last year ("Smashed") and HE'S LIVING IN THE SAME FRICKING HOUSE
WITH ONE OF THEM, and you've made everyone seem "profoundly stupid". I
used to admire these people. Even the bad guys.

And what's the deal with Giles's accent? It sounds weird. (And ASH
really is English, so??)

Giles seems pissed Buffy took the chip out. Think he'll be allowed to
challenge her? Nah, me neither. :(

Oh, so the Chinese Potential doesn't understand English? Gee, I didn't
see that joke coming. Oh, wait...I did. Hell, people in CHINA saw that
joke coming.

(And thanks for making Giles look like some jerk who's just been barking
orders at Chow An without realizing that she doesn't understand them.
Feh.)

ACT 1:

Written by Jane Espenson, Directed by David Grossman. Well, they don't
necessarily suck.  

While I admire ME's dedication to keeping Danny Strong employed, it'd be
nice if death could at least rid us of Jonathan. (Aww, so the poor
rapist/murderer just wanted to be a Scooby, huh? Witness me care.
Not.)

Well, they let Giles keep his backbone, they just don't let Buffy listen
to him. And I've figured out what's wrong with the accent--ASH has
stopped using the Etonian "Giles" voice and is using his own Scouser
tones. So sad when even Anthony Stewart Head can't be assed to do the
work. (And it's particularly annoying listening to all the "yew"s.)

I can't believe the show wants us to think that Buffy's right to put
Spike's "journey to manhood" above the very real threat he poses to
those in the house. Well, I **can** believe it, that's the problem.

Gack! Spuffy!!! "He can be a good man". Yeah, well, "he" himself
thinks he should be chained to the wall because he can't be trusted. A
little new hardware couldn't hurt.

"I wanted more for you". Ulp! There go the B/G 'shippers, choking on
that "father/daughter" line. OTOH, at least they let Giles call Spuffy
"a future filled with nothing but pain". Faint, faint crumbs of hope...

(And since Willow's both absent and spoken for, not even for us, alas.)

Aww, the chip muzzled poor widdle Spikey and that was wrong?? Sniff,
sniff. Except for the little detail that he was a soulless monster when
chipped, that is. Could someone tell Buffy that Maggie Walsh wasn't
trying to "fight evil", she *was* evil? Yes, the chip is
inhumane--that was the comparison. Buffy gives the vamps the decency
of a quick staking. She should have dusted him in Season 4, back when
the "free will" she's so keen on was all about him murdering and raping
Willow, then her. But after using "the chip makes him harmless" as an
excuse to keep Spikey-wikey on the show for three years, don't start
crying about how "violated" he was.

If I had a brain, I'd stop watching now.

Buffy goes snooping in Principal Plastic's office. She seems vaguely in
character, so thank God Principal Plastic barges in and gets Buffy to
turn back into a spluttering weakling, which is how she's supposed to be
these days. (Except when she's standing up for the Redemption
[Hallelujah!] of St. Cheekbones, of course.)

Well, at least Buffy's trapped into dating Plastic. I was afraid they'd
try and do a romance. And now we know why Plastic hired Buffy, the
World's Most Incompetent And Unqualified Counselor: he wants to get
into her pants. About the only reason that makes sense, really.

Weapons cabinet was cool, though.

So that's a good act break, right? No, that's a good TEASER. (Exact
same problem as Jane's "Conversations with Dead People', you'll note.)

"Dear Mutant Enemy,

This is how you write a television show:

Giles: I can't believe you let them take out Spike's chip.

Buffy: His soul is what makes him good, not some piece of wiring.

Giles: And what if you're wrong?

Buffy: I'm not wrong. Now, if you don't mind, I've got something else
to do.

(Cut to office. Buffy snoops, almost getting to the mystery cabinet
when Wood walks in.)

Wood: Buffy!

Buffy: Ulp!

Wood: Hey, date me.

Buffy: Um, no way out of this otherwise, so, sure!

(Buffy goes, Wood seems relieved, hangs up dagger on ultra-cool hidden
wall.)

Roll Opening Credits.

You're welcome."

ACT 2:

Yay, B/W scene! But hacked to death by choppy, cut back and forth
direction. Why shoot a master shot if you never use it?

Yes, Buffy, Principal Plastic must be evil because his office is RIGHT
OVER THE HELLMOUTH. That just makes one evil because IT'S SO CREEPY.
After all, it's not like you spent ***your entire high school life***
sitting at the table in the library that was in the EXACT SAME SPOT. So
clearly you have absolutely zero ability to understand what being on top
of the Hellmouth is like.

Sigh. Or possibly, fuck.

Is it really too much to ask Jane to watch the show? Really, "Prophecy
Girl" is a very good episode, Jane, you'd like it. (Okay, maybe writing
for this piece of shit and liking good television are mutually
exclusive, but still.) Or heck, you could watch "The Zeppo", which you
might remember since *you were already on the staff that season*, "The
Zeppo" is not that great an episode, but it does give you a chance to
see Buffy and Willow and Giles being perfectly normal in the library,
even while sitting at the same table that the Hellmouth later opens
below. Plus, hey, Xander gets his character assassinated, so you'll
probably love it.

Enjoy Willow laughing at the idea of Buffy meriting a promotion and
calling her a "frisky vixen". (Okay, so Buffy is neither these days,
but it's nice to see Will still has fantasies.)

But...

"Why does everybody...think I'm still in love with Spike?"

Still? Still? Still?

STILL??????????????????????

When the fuckity-fuck-fuck-fucking-fuck was she EVER in love with Spike?
She realized she didn't love him and she broke it off, remember? That's
why he raped her, for fuck's sake.

Fuck

And fuck

And...FUCK!

(Wait, I've got more...)

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Also, fuck! Nothing like
a blatant retcon to try and shove the Spuffy down our throats, huh?

Yeah, I guess "Buffy loves Spike, she just has to learn to admit it"
felt like too hard a story to sell, so now they've rewritten canon to
say, "Buffy loved Spike and everyone knew it. She just has to admit
that the feelings are still there." Lazy pathetic writing in service of
a plot I hate--hence the "fuck"s.

(Although I'd hate to be a Spuffy-'shipper and have Buffy's first "I
love Spike" be in passing like this. Not particularly satisfying if
that's what you've been waiting for since "Fool For Love", I wouldn't
think.)

Liked Xander's line about "Well she likes me, so there's a good chance
[she's evil]. But I'm hoping!", even if it was an obvious funny.

Oh, joy. More of Giles, the Ugly American (with strangely variant
English accent). Why not just have him call her "slant-eyes" and get
it over with? Not amused.  

Okay, I take it back. I'm glad to see Danny Strong, since he's the only
one who can play a convincing First Evil. Everyone else was a
cartoon--but as Jonathan, the First has needs and is frustrated and is
even scarier because it seems more real. (Actually, most of the BigBads
in "Lessons" did a good job, George Hertzberg and Mark Metcalfe
especially.)

But how sick is the show when someone blithely observes about the heroes
"most of them are murderers, too"? So why the hell should we care about
them, then?

Oh, wait, I know: because we can all be evil and the purpose of the
show is to tell us that we can all be Redeemed [Hallelujah!] if we're
weawwy, weawwy, sowwy and we work had for our Redemption [Hallelujah!].
Because nothing we ever do, not even willingly murdering our best friend
for power, will ever put us beyond Redemption [Hallelujah!].

Yeah? Well, screw that.

(I was over my quota on the "f-word".)

Once upon a time, this was a show about hard choices and the importance
of Doing The Right Thing. And because the characters were willing to Do
The Right Thing, no matter how much it cost them, we looked up to them,
and wanted to be around them, and wanted them to be happy. But
nowadays, it doesn't matter what you do, because no matter how wrong you
are, you will be Healed by the Magical Goodness of Redemption
[Hallelujah! Sing it!].  

Redemption [Hallelujah!]--which makes all decisions pointless.

Redemption [Hallelujah!]--which sucks the drama right out of the show.

"Oh, Buffy, I don't know what I've done! I broke into the maternity
ward with a flame thrower, skewered a dozen babies on a rotisserie and
made shish kabob out of them!"

"Dawn, that was very bad. Go upstairs to your room. And don't come
down until you're Redeemed!" (Hallelujah!)

Can I get an "Amen"??

Wish I could say I'm surprised that they left a functional gun in the
house, but are you kidding me? At this point, I'm giving points for
Buffy not having given the gun to Andrew as a "you're all Redeemed
[Hallelujah!]--see how much I trust you" present.

Why is Buffy doing the nervous girl talk thing with Anya, of all people?

Nice self-continuity, with Jane slipping in a mention of the pizza stain
Dawn got on Buffy's top in "CwDP".

Hey, it looks like SMG ate something! Those are actual curves, and I
don't even see a Wonderbra under the chemise.

Wouldn't it be great if Spike really **was** willing to move on? After
all, the soul should make him different from Buffy-lusting EvilSpike.
But, of course, it's just misdirection, as St. Cheekbones's little pout
shows us.

Geez, Kennedy, give Willow a LITTLE room, okay? And nice to see that ME
just figures that they're a perfect couple now, despite the fact that
their first flirtation made Willow essentially attempt suicide.

Gee, Dawn, you sure are relevant to the show these days, aren't you?
(I'm actually somewhat annoyed on her behalf, which feels very weird.)

And again with Googling being the extent of Willow's computer skillz.
Y'know, I'd like to think that a superhacker like Will was able to do
something beyond just USING A FRICKING SEARCH ENGINE. Is it crazy of me
to ask that Willow be better on the computer than **I** am?

(BTW, this makes Dawn, Kennedy and Amanda all look silly, too. "Wow,
Willow's really good. She can use Google." :p)

Another bit of good continuity, with Giles and the disturbingly gory
visual aids, as in "Hush".

Oh, Anya bitching about her datelessness to Giles, that's not obvious at
all. They better not be setting him up with her--ick!!!

"Didn't you see the flashcards?"--hee! (And ASH has found his
wandering accent again--he oughta get a leash for that thing...)

I'd be thrilled to see Andrew lurking homicidally, and I'd gladly tell
you that this shows how Andrew's Redemption [Hallelujah!] is crap and
he's still the same evil Worm as before, but come on. I'm sure he won't
kill anyone; instead he'll get Yet More Redemption [Hallelujah! Glory
Hallelujah!] by resisting FirstJonathan.

Buffy and Plastic get jumped by vampires. (None of the vampires gets a
line, has a personality or is a challenge, of course, because that might
accidentally make vampire-slaying an important part of the show.) Oh,
look, Plastic's a hero! Yay. (He's still Plastic, though.)

BTW, gotta love the bald, middle-aged vamp. What lame-o sired *him*?
Guess they were running low on stunt men for the scene, huh?

ACT 3:

Of course Buffy doesn't stand up to Plastic or demand answers or
anything that she would have done when she was 16. Let's hear it for
"growing up", ladies and germs!

Jeez, Plastic's taking a looooong time to tell his story.

Oh, that's cool, though! He's Nikki the Disco Slayer's kid. (You know,
the one Spike killed on the subway in 1977. And yes, the age works--if
he was 4 then, he'd turn 30 this year.) Okay, that's a good plot
twist--he's sworn to slay the vamp that killed his mother, little
knowing that it's his rival for Buffy. Good enough that Wood gets to be
called by his own name again.

Of course, I'd enjoy this plot twist a lot more if it wasn't merely an
excuse for some Spuffy angst on the road to smoochies. Or if there was
a chance in hell that actually meeting the son of one of St.
Cheekbones's victims would cause Slutty the Vampire Layer to reconsider
her interest in the evil murdering fiend. Or if, just because I and
every other person who ever saw "Fool For Love" immediately realized who
Wood's mother was and who killed her, that meant that ME wouldn't make
us wait untl the end of the episode--or, for all I know, SEVERAL
episodes--before they spring the "revelation" on us. Oh, well, at
least the "gotcha!" plotting worked this time. We can't have
everything.

BTW, if Wood idolizes his Dead Slaya Mama, doesn't that make hitting on
Buffy a little squicky?

Naturally, Andrew wasn't even tempted to do something evil. Because
"I'm good now". And why, exactly? (Not to mention, how?)

Nice makeup on FirstJonathan here. But at this point, I think even the
Really Stupid Scoobs (why put a wire on Andrew, anyway? He can--and,
in fact, does--simply tell them what the First said) are starting to
figure out that the First Boredom can't actually DO anything. Just
ignore the ghost and it'll go away.

Haven't mentioned Xander's date (because the plot's silly--and so
hackneyed they actually have Xander ACKNOWLEDGE this--and "R & B
Sensation Ashanti" really blows), but I have to like how they covered
the Seal of DenzelWashington with a nice slab of concrete. Only not.
Okay, well, it's not like they could, after all, since it's not like
Xander is **running the construction crew that's working on this very
school** or anything. (Gahhhh! **bangs head**)

Glad Giles points out the stupidity, although I'm galled that there's
stupidity to point out. Spike actually seems to have his brain back,
which is both pleasant and wholly inconsistent with the last two eps.

Oh, and here's some chemistry-free Andrew/Dawn flirting. Yep, the
virgin and the rapist, they're perfect for each other. Shiny McWhiny
and a Murderous Jackass. (Okay, maybe they are perfect for each
other...) And all that stuff with Andrew being gay? Forget it--the
writers have.

And here's our thin gruel of B/W for this ep--Spike keeps wanting to go
fetch Buffy, which we're supposed to think is Spuffy love in full swing.
Only, who keeps stopping him and insists on contacting Buffy themselves?
Yup, a certain redhead....

Thin gruel, indeed.

ACT 4:

Xander's bleeding from the gut for at least 15 minutes and he'll be
fine? Hooookaaay...

So everytime you bleed someone on the seal, you pop out another
UnterVamp? Then why did FirstDru stop with just one? And if you open
the Hellmouth, shouldn't the Big Squiggly Demons (starting with the
Hellmouth Muppet) be coming out, not some lame UnterVamp?

Gee, they make such a big deal about the Hellmouth opening in "Lessons",
with Willow feeling it from 6000 miles away, and it turns out that all
it does is release some lame and easily killable vampires to serve the
First Windbag? So truly of the suck.

Now, you see, Wood would (hee, "Wood would"--I have my own fun) make a
good villain. Son of Slayer seeks revenge for mother's death; not by
dusting the vampire who Buffy bones, but by killing this pathetic whore
who is unworthy to be The Slayer, whose vile rutting defiles the memory
of all the brave girls who gave their lives to fight evil. More
powerful drama than the First Boredom, any day.

Yet ANOTHER Chinese "joke". Not only is this insulting to Giles (who,
as seen in "Checkpoint", knows Japanese), but it's almost racist, with
Chow An as the inscrutable Oriental whom Western men can never fathom...

Gee, they're just giving the Xanderslashers years' worth of material all
at once, aren't they? So why can't we get one good B/W snuggle?
**pouts**

(Of course, making Xander a wannabe-gay joke helps any recalictrant
fools in the audience know that there is no man for Buffy except St.
Cheekbones. Almost literally, at this point.)

"These [flashcards] are not a joke!" Well, actually, they *are* a joke,
Giles, which makes this scene even better. IMO, though, Giles is too
pissy and not commanding enough here--he can get the gang to pay
attention without flouncing off like he does here.

Again, Spike shows a brain, which is a pleasant surprise. But you
didn't really think Buffy would let him go, even if there's no logical
reason for him to stay, did you?  

Mind you, she doesn't actually say "I love you, Cheekbones" yet.
They're saving that for the end of sweeps. Or maybe the finale.

And here's our revelation. Yay! Someone wants to kill Spike! Yay! If
only he would...

GRADE:

Nice twist on Wood, although the final surprise was immediately obvious.
Good guest shot by FirstJonathan. And two sly contnuity references.

Weigh that against masses of Spuffy, Andrew-redemption, and characters
looking like idiots. And the special ring in hell Jane gets for making
Giles play "ugly American' all ep long. And another for "ooh, what's it
like to be right on top of the Hellmouth, cause I have NO idea about
that."

I also won't be able to forget a Xanderplot that was silly, so overused
they had to admit to it, meant absolutely nothing and seemed to exist
just to put Nicky in the same position JM was in during "Never Watch
This Show Again" (or whatever that ep was called) so all the girls can
say "Ew, Xander's fat! See, that's why Buffy must be with Spike, he's
so hot!" Gee, remember when "Xander dates a monster" eps were
emotionally resonant, like "Teacher's Pet" or "Inca Mummy Girl"? Well,
then, you're one up on the writing staff, aren't you?

In the end, about all I can say is, "well, it didn't suck as much as
'Lessons' ". Call it a C-, or more likely, D+.

NEXT WEEK:

Dawn teaches calisthentics to 16 (!) Potentials (Way to stop cast
bloat, Joss!), including Amanda, a fat chick, and a hottie that looks
like Jennifer Love Hewitt without the fake boobs.

PS--two notes of bitterness that I didn't catch on my own before.

One, when Wood takes Buffy and Spike to the school, he looks at Spike
**in the rearview mirror**. Hello, vampire? For a show that used to
have an "Angel doesn't reflect" gag practically every other ep, this is
a jawdropping error.

(On the audio commentary of the DVD of "What's My Line, Part 1", Marti
Noxon points out that the mirror gag--Buffy's talking to Angel in her
room, but in the mirror, she's alone--is a way of showing why Buffy and
Angel can never work. To quote Marti: "Sure, she's the Slayer,
but...he's DEAD!" Who would have thought that, just two years after she
recorded that commentary, Marti would be running a show that has Buffy
in Twu Wuvv with a vampire, and all of the vampire issues, including the
non-reflecting, completely forgotten? Ah, Redemption. [Hallelujah!]) 

And two, the fact that nobody bothers to express any concern for Xander,
even though he's been STABBED IN THE GUT AND LEFT TO BLEED FOR AT LEAST
FIFTEEN MINUTES. Not his ex-best friend, Willow, not "father figure"
Giles, not "you're exceptional" Dawn...and certainly not Slutty, who's
more concerned that Twiggy the Wonder Chimp got conked on the head than
that Normal Guy got stabbed right in the viscera. I'll have to see if
it's true that when Ms. "I'm Hot for Cold Corpses" finally wanders over
to have a look at Xander, Wood gives her a "what took you so long,
bee-otch?" look.

Gee, Wood is human and cares about people. No wonder they're making him
the bad guy.

Screw this noise.

Dan