Fic: Just Beneath the Surface (2/?)

["WillowX" <willowxbvsb@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Title of Story: Just Beneath the Surface (2/?)

Title of Chapter: Everything Is Connected

Author: WillowX email at willowxbvsb@xxxxxxxxxxx

Personal Archive: www.geocities.com/willowneedsbuffy 

Pairing: Buffy/Willow

Rating: PG 

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television and Kuzui Enterprises. Buffy is distributed by 20th Century Fox and the Warner Brothers Television Network.

Summary: Set in Season 7 at the end of "Same Time, Same Place". If you haven't read Part 1 you can find it here www.geocities.com/willowneedsbuffy/secretsoftheheart.html 

Everything Is Connected


The world was a horribly confusing place. Nothing ever made sense and very few people acted the way they were supposed to. Good deeds were reciprocated with bad ones. Smiles were responded to with angry growls. Everything andeveryone seemed unconnected yet related at the same time and I spent the majority of my life questioning my existence. 

'Why am I here?' 

'What is my purpose?'

Over and over and over again I asked myself these questions. There were people who had written books about it. Entire faiths were created to explain our existence, to give our lives meaning, to answer the questions that haunted the darkest part of our hearts. There were so many explanations but noneseemed to satisfy me, and then, just when I had given up, just when I had finally decided that everything was chance, that there was no purpose, thatthere was no meaning . . . I died . . . and everything made sense.

I didn't even know I was dying as it happened. It just seemed like a dream or a vision or a hallucination. I'm not even sure if what I recall is what really happened or just random thoughts and memories that shot back and forth through my mind. It's really hard to describe. 

One minute Willow was standing before me. She was so happy and her smile was so beautiful. Her lips were stretched out broadly across her face and small little lines hugged the edges of her mouth. I had seen those lines the night before as we laid together in peaceful silence. I had lazily traced myfinger over them caressing her softly. They were the beginning of happy wrinkles, the kinds that form after long days spent laughing and smiling, andthe thought of that had made me smile. I thought perhaps I had put some ofthose happy wrinkles on her face. 

We had spent hours making love that day. I could still smell her scent on my hands, in my hair, on my skin. That sweet mixture of raspberry cream and apple scented shampoo had besieged me but I had surrendered to it willingly. I could still feel her breath blow over my neck. My skin had felt so hot at first, as her breath scorched a path from my ear lobe to the base of my neck, but then became icy cold when her lips left their task and proceeded to meet mine. I could still taste her kisses as the sweet flavor of her strawberry lip gloss lingered on my lips. I could still hear her soft pleasurefilled moans echo through my ears. It was the memory of her moans that made my body tingle in anticipation from head to toe as I watched her standingthere.

I didn't even feel the bullet as it passed through me. I was too focused onWillow. I was focused on her eyes and the way they raked over my skin. I could feel them. My blood splattered all over her white blouse leaving a hundred tiny red stains. The impact of the bullet was such that tiny blood drops sprayed all over her arms, face and neck, yet I still I hadn't felt a single thing.

"Your shirt," I said softly, frowning at the stains. 

Willow's sea-green eyes squinted momentarily and then immediately shot openwith fear. I saw something in her eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time. It was horror and it covered her eyes like a dark blanket. They were immersed with it. She was in agonizing fear. I thought to myself, 'It's just a shirt' and that's when I felt it. Like a hard blow. I felt the impact of the bullet as it pierced my skin and burrowed through flesh and bone. Funny howit took a few seconds for my body to notice what had happened. I was too distracted. 

Too distracted with Willow.

I fell forward in slow motion as the world around me began spinning. I still didn't even know exactly what had happened. I thought I was dreaming. I thought I was still asleep snuggled safely in Willow's arms. In fact, I could feel them. I could feel her arms wrapped around me and they were grippingme tight. Squeezing me. I could hear the muffled sounds of her voice. She was pleading for me to wake up from my dream. 

Begging me. 

My vision grew dark and a tingly feeling formed in the pit of my stomach, like the way it feels when you fall unexpectedly, but I wasn't falling. Suddenly I began to move. I didn't know whether I was going up or down, I just knew I was moving fast. I had become increasingly disoriented. It was apparent that I was alone and my heart ached at the loss of Willow's touch. Coldsharp winds blew across my face. I couldn't hear anything but the roaring sound of air coursing all around me. I was in a tunnel of air, a tornado sort of speak, at least that's what it felt like because I could only see darkness. I hung there idly in the dark as my mind raced. Visions of Willow flashed back and forth in my thoughts, like a slide show running at enormous speeds. Then just as quickly as it all started . . . it all stopped, and I was left wandering alone in a garden. 

There were luscious green trees as far as the eye could see. The scent of fresh roses and jasmines floated in through my nose and calmed my spirits. Invisible droplets of water hung in the air as I felt the moister caress my skin while I walked. The ground beneath me was cool and wet as long blades of soft grass tickled my feet and brushed between my toes. It was then thatI realized I was barefoot. I looked down and noticed I was wearing a long sleeveless baby blue dress. The dress was my favorite tone of blue, the onethat accentuated my eyes and brought out the pinkish hue of my skin. It was my favorite blue. I ran my hands over the fabric and it was soft and slippery like silk, except not like any silk I'd ever felt. It was smooth and cool, and it hugged my body like second skin. In the distance I could hear the soft rushing sound of a waterfall and birds chirping up above.

'It is a dream', I thought and wondered what it was I had eaten that had given me such wacky hallucinations. 

I shrugged the confusion away and continued walking through the garden. I could hear the sweet sound of soft humming coming from up ahead. I thought surely it was Willow. Who else would sing to me in my dreams? I pushed past bushes and tree branches effortlessly. I was trekking through a huge gardenand hadn't even broken a sweat. The cool breeze was blowing across my faceas the sound of Willow humming was getting louder and louder.

I reached a clearing in the garden and there was a large pond of crystal clear water. So clear you could see straight down to the bottom, the smooth rounded rocks and colorful fishes that were beneath. A cascading waterfall poured into the pond but the water remained calm. I thought about how odd that was and walked toward the edge to further investigate. I dipped my toe into the pond slowly and it seemed to disappear under the surface, but yet there were no ripples. I had pulled my toe out of the pond and was shacking the excess water off, when I heard it.

"There you are!" The voice called from behind me. I froze. That voice had sounded strangely familiar but it couldn't be who I thought it was. I just couldn't. I turned slowly searching for the source of that voice. The momentmy eyes graced her presence I felt my heart skip a beat. I couldn't believe it.

"Oh Goddess!" I gasped as I brought my hands up to cover my mouth. I couldn't believe my own eyes. Her slender figure stood tall before me as long golden blonde hair ran down her shoulders and hung mid torso. Her eyes were asblue as the sky on a clear sunny day and her lips were the color of pink roses.

"M-mommy?" I asked confused through my fingers. It was almost like looking in a mirror. I had forgotten how much I looked like her. My heart beat raced, how I had dreamed of seeing her again.

"Come here darling," she said with a soft smile, extending her arms out to me. I ran toward her as fast as I could. As fast as I'd ever run before in my life. She was only a few feet away but it felt like miles.

When I reached her, I stopped a moment to really look at her. I needed to see her. I needed to really see her. Her eyes were filled with happy tears and I felt my own eyes well up too. My senses were overwhelmed by the smell of her hair. It wasn't perfume or shampoo I smelled; it was just her. It was the way my bed smelled when I was little after she had read to me and tucked me in. It was mom smell. The kind that makes you feel loved and safe.

"I missed you," she whispered and I wrapped my arms around her tightly. Shewas real! I could feel her. I could feel her heart beating against mine. Icould hear her breathing into my hair. She was real. Oh Goddess, she was real. 

'Thank you!' I screamed in my mind to whatever deity was listening. She wasreal and she was alive and she was beautiful and I was holding her again. My mother! Oh Goddess, I was holding my mother! 

It was then that I remembered . . . it was all dream.

I froze in her arms. My entire body froze as silent tears ran down my face.She squeezed me softly and it only made it hurt more. To have her and thenlose all over again was tearing my heart apart. The dream had quickly turned into my worst nightmare.

"It's not a dream, Sunshine," she whispered into my hair. I let out a smallsad whimper when she said my nickname. She always used to call me that because my hair reminded her of the sun. She used to say I was her Sunshine. She used to say I brightened every day for her.

"W-what?" I asked slowly as I pulled out of her embrace.

"It's not a dream. I was sent here to explain to you what happened," she said. My thoughts got increasingly confusing. I couldn't understand what she was trying to say. 

"I don't understand Mommy," I murmured.

"This is one of countless sub-heavenly dimensions. It's actually catered towhat your idea of a safe and happy place would be," she said looking all around at the scenery. "It really is quite beautiful, Sunshine."

"Sub-heavenly dimension? I don't understand," I repeated softly.

"You died, Tara," she stated plainly. Her eyes were squinted with a hint ofdisbelief; as if she couldn't understand why I was so confused. "Don't youremember?" She asked tracing her finger over my forehead removing wayward strands of hair from my eyes. 

"No. I don't," I replied with my voice barely above a whisper. I couldn't understand what she was saying. I couldn't understand what was happening. Itwas all so confusing. I was so sure it was a dream. I knew it was. I couldn't have died. I couldn't have.

"You were shot, Tara," she said with a grimace, as if the thought of that alone hurt her too. 

"No," I said softly at first. "No. No," my voice escalated as I shook my head in disbelief. I was trying to convince myself of it. There was no way I had died. There was no way.

"This is a dream. A wacky, crazy dream brought on by a four o'clock in the morning cheese puff binge. I'm alive. I know I am. I can feel my heart beating," I said firmly. 

"Look," I took her hand and placed it on my heart. 

"Can't you feel it?" I whispered. 

"It's my heart! It's beating strong! I'm alive!" I said loudly. 

"I'm alive!" I repeated convinced. 

"I'm alive!" I shouted looking straight at her. 

I was alive! I knew I was. It was all a dream. No. No. It was all a nightmare. A nightmare. A horrible disgusting nightmare and when I woke up from itI was going to rid the world of cheese puffs. Willow would do it for me. She would make it all go away. I would never have a nightmare like that again. 

Never.

The palm of my mother's hand was still tightly pressed over my chest. I wasgripping her wrist with both of my hands, holding it in place. She looked at me and her eyes drooped in sadness. Her forehead was frowning and her lips trembled as if pulled on by the weight of her words. With her free hand she gripped one of mine, pulling on it gently, releasing the grip I held onhers. She took my hand and placed it over her own heart. I felt the thump of her heart beat against the palm of my hand, like the ticking of a clock,one thump after the other.

"My heart beats too," her soft voice echoed through my head.

"My heart beats because you want it to . . . not because I'm alive," she finished. The words seeped in through my ears filling all the little open spaces I had left in my brain. It was like a veil that had been covering my eyes was lifted and suddenly everything stopped. 

The noise of the waterfall behind me ceased, the happy chirping birds were silenced, the sound of wind rustling through trees ended, and the only thing I could hear was my own breathing. Labored and hard. The air was thick and heavy like syrup and I had lost the strength to inhale. I had lost the strength to live.

I stopped. I stopped breathing and my heart stopped beating as well. I dropped my arms to my sides and took a step backward away from my mother. I turned slowly, very slowly, observing my surroundings. The trees still swayed but there was no sound. The waterfall poured into the pond but I couldn't hear it. The birds flew over head but they went audibly unnoticed. Everything was quiet. The world was silent. It was like someone had hit the mute button on the remote control.

"You see, Sunshine?" My mother's voice echoed from behind.

"You control it. This is your reality and you don't have to stutter any more. I'm here with you," she said. How had she known? How had she knonw I hadstarted stuttering after she died? I spun around to look at her. The moment my eyes met hers the noises resumed again all at once. 

"I died?" I asked hoarsely. She walked toward me slowly. Her long dress rippled in the wind and her blonde hair shimmered in the sunlight. Her eyes sparkled with glistening tears and my heart grew heavy with fear.

When she reached me, she took my hand into hers and we walked together toward the pond. The flat motionless surface of the pond sparkled. She looked at its surface steadily and I looked where she was looking, wondering what she was trying to see.

"This is what happened," she said. An image appeared on the surface and it was so clear and full of color it seemed as if we were watching a movie screen. It was an image of Willow. Her eyes were the color of blood and fire; anger was flowing through them. She was sitting on the floor of our room holding my limp body in her arms and my blood was splattered all over her crisp white blouse. It was then I remembered. I remembered what had happened. I remembered when the tiny droplets sprayed all over her and I remembered when her eyes grew dark with fear. 

I had died!

I stood by the pond holding my mother's hand as images of the events that took place after my death played out before me. I saw as black magic took possession of Willow's body. I saw her face turn pale and the blood in her veins run jet black. I saw her beautiful red hair turn dark with death and evil.

"This didn't happen," I muttered, shaking my head. 

"Yes it did, Tara," she said.

"But why? Why would this happen?" I asked near tears and she turned to lookat me.

"Everything is connected, Tara. No one enters your life without a purpose. Nothing happens out of pure coincidence," she turned to look back at the reflection on the pond. "No one dies in vain," she finished pointedly and I looked at her profile confused.

"Do you remember the photo albums I had at home?" She asked softly, turningto look at me again. A sweet smile sneaked over her lips.

"The albums of your travels around the world with Uncle Mark?" I asked. My mother had spent her youthful years traveling with her brother. It always made her smile broadly to look at the many photo albums she had accumulated,at the memories she had captured in a still photo. There were pictures of her at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City, photos of my uncle standing in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and countless snapshots of their adventures around the world. Those photo albums were her legacies and they represented to her the happiest moments of her life.

"Yes, those," she smiled. "Each individual photo in those albums represented an important day in my life, highest moments, days of accomplishments or fulfillment of dreams, if you will. But notice I never had pictures of the many days we spent planning our trips or the many days we worked double shifts at the local dinner to pay for them, right?" She asked.

I nodded 'no' in response.

"Yet those days were just as important because without those days the pictures I had in the albums would have never existed," she explained. She looked at me steadily. Her gaze was piercing and intense. She was searching for understanding in my eyes. It seemed crucial to her. She squeezed my hand softly and proceeded to speak.

"There are people the Powers That Be use to fight their battles on the mortal realm. These people are called Champions. They dedicate their lives to fight and struggle for the rest of humanity. They are like those important days. The ones we take snapshots of and treasure in our albums. They are ourheroes," she continued. The tone of her voice was getting stronger with every word. She was speaking with conviction of heart.

"And everyone else in the world, all the people these Champions fight for, are just as important," she said stressing the last words. "Because withoutthem the Champions would have never existed."

Her explanation was so clear I understood it completely. It was as if a door had suddenly been unlocked. I looked into my past and saw everything. Allthe people I had touched in my lifetime, all the things I had accomplishedand all the things I had failed to do. I saw my past and everything was soclear. Every event so meaningful. If I took a pencil, I could literally trace a line through each and every moment. My whole life was connected. My existence made sense. I saw my purpose.

"Willow. . . ." I hissed softly.

"Yes. You were valuable," she began to explain but paused for a moment to clarify. "No. You were instrumental in the development of one of the most powerful Champions of your time," she said with a distinct gleam of pride in her eyes.

"You helped shape the life of the person that will have a primary role in the final battle of the Apocalypse. Your existence left an imprint on hers. Your birth, your life, and even your death were of immeasurable value to the fight against evil," she finished. Tears of pride glistened in her eyes. 

I stood before her speechless. There was so much information for me to comprehend. I had taken an active part in shaping Willow's life. Willow was a Champion. I had heard of these Champions before. I knew that Buffy, as the Slayer, was a Champion but I didn't know Willow was one too. I felt pride, overwhelming pride, my Willow was a Champion. The woman I loved more than life itself was a chosen hero. My heart warmed at the knowledge. I looked at my mother and smiled. The world finally made sense and I could hardly contain my happiness. 

The smile still lingered on my face as I turned slowly to look at the pond once more. Images of Willow still flashed on the pond's surface. This time she was fighting Giles. The Magic Box was in ruins. Part of its ceiling wascaved in and fire was consuming the walls, destroying its foundations. Electric charges crackled all around Willow as she stood proudly, wide eyed, and with an evil grin on her face. She lifted her arms and electric currentsshot out in the direction of Giles. Giles double over in pain as blood dripped from his forehead. Suddenly I felt as if I'd been popped like a balloon as all the pride seeped out of me like hot air. I saw the imprint I had left on her life and it burned.

"But this," I cried, gesturing toward the pond. "This can't be the imprint I was to leave in her life. This can't be it," I shrieked in disbelief.

"Part of Willow's journey was to learn what she was capable of," she explained as her eyes lingered over the images of Willow. 

"Willow needed to see it with her own eyes. She needed to feel the evil coursing through her veins to understand it," she said and looked up to gaze at me again. There was something different in her eyes this time. She was holding something back. There was something she hadn't said. I shook my head from side to side urging her to keep speaking but she just stared at me.

"What? What is it?" I urged.

"Willow needed to stand on the brink of destruction in order for her true love to save her," she revealed slowly as if the speed in which her words came out would make it hurt less. I looked back at the pond and there was an image of Xander holding Willow. The sun had finally come out and it was shining bright above them. He was holding her tightly and they were both crying. Wind was blowing all around them and strands of Willow's black hair slowly turned red again.

"Xander?" I asked, shocked.

"No," she responded plainly. "That's why you are here. Events did not go asforeseen and Willow missed the opportunity to join with her true love. Their union was supposed to create a binding alliance between two Champions-"

"Buffy!" I interrupted.

"Yes. The end result of your death was to join the Slayer with her Sorceress," she finished.

As hard as it was for me to hear, the information didn't surprise me at all. It was if I'd always know it, somewhere in the back of my mind, but refused to acknowledge it. From the moment I met Buffy I knew, I had seen it in the way Willow's eyes seemed to gleam in her presence. The way Willow followed her faithfully into the darkest of places, to fight battles that were not her own. The way she searched high and low for a way to bring Buffy back, refusing to ever give up, refusing to ever let her go. I knew it.

Deep down inside, I'd always known.

"I remember. I mean, not remember but it's like, I don't know, it's like I've always known that. It's like I'd always seen it in Willow's heart . . . just beneath the surface," I sniffled. My mother took me into her arms onceagain and hugged me dearly. It was a soft reassuring hug. I closed my eyesand allowed the feeling of comfort to flow through me.

"It doesn't lessen the love you two shared," she whispered into my hair andI closed my eyes tighter. I clung to her thinking of all the things she had said. I let my mind wander to the sound of the waterfall behind her. It was a hard rushing sound. If I concentrated on it, I could lull myself to sleep. I thought of all the things that had lead me there. I could go crazy rethinking the circumstances. There were so many 'what if's' floating aroundin my head, but something inside of me assured me this was the way things were meant to be.

"What do I do now?" I asked over her shoulder. She released me from her embrace slowly and took my face into her hands.

"Now you must help us fix what went wrong. Events are aligning themselves. The Sorceress' heart shall be vulnerable once again. We have but one opportunity left to join her to the Slayer. If you succeed in doing so, you will leave this sub-heavenly dimension and join me in your rightful place as a spiritual guide," she stared at me.

"This is not the end Tara. This is only the beginning. You have fulfilled your duty on Earth. Complete this last task and you shall receive your compensation," she finished.

I removed her hands from my face and turned to look at the pond once again.I had no words to describe the feelings that were running through my body.My hands were shaking and I was overwrought with emotion. I felt grief at the knowledge of my own death. I had died and Willow watched me slip away. My blood had splattered all over her, staining her skin for hours afterward. She watched as I took my last breath in her arms, as my eyes grew dark with death, as my soul seeped away from her. She felt as my heart stopped beating against her body and my veins stopped pumping life. 

She bore the task of burying me.

I felt sorrow at the suffering it had caused her. She snapped and forsook the good in her. She let anger and remorse take over. She destroyed what shehad spent years building. I looked at the image of Willow flashing on the pond. It was of her sitting alone under a tree. Her forehead was frowning, her eyes were drooping around the edges in sadness, and her mouth was curved downward in an unhappy grin. All her features hung on her face in anguish. She was in pain.

I looked at her image closely and it was as if her thoughts were revealed to me. She was questioning her existence as I had done so many times. She wondered why she was allowed to walk upon the Earth when I was dead. She wondered at the injustice. She thought it unfair and hated herself for having lived. She hated herself. She hated herself for having survived her own attempt at an apocalypse. I looked at her and her heart was empty. I couldn't bear to see it any longer. She deserved so much more. She deserved a life full of love and promise. She deserved happiness. 

She deserved true love.

"Ok," I conceded through tears. "What do I have to do?" I turned to look atmy mother. She looked at me and let out a sigh of relief. I hadn't noticedshe had been holding her breath or maybe she wasn't and it was all just inmy head. She waved her hand over the pond and the image changed. 

"This is what is happening right now, as we speak. It's your chance, Tara, the Powers that Be will answer your pleas," she said. I looked at the imageand saw Willow hurt. She was sitting on the bed in Buffy's room. She was meditating, using the Earth to heal herself. I could feel Willow drawing power from the Earth. She was so strong, and it was amazing. Buffy was standing at the door of the room watching her. Her eyes were fixed on Willow as she examined her from afar. There was a myriad of emotions running through Buffy. I could see her heart and mind, and it was full of conflicted thoughtsof Willow.

'Look up, Willow, she's waiting for you,' I pleaded with my mind and Willow's eyes fluttered open. 

"Buffy . . . ." Willow's voice echoed through the room and it seemed to resonate through the garden I was standing in.

I watched as Buffy and Willow exchanged kind words with one another. It wasawkward at first, yet comforting in a strange way. I hadn't seen them speak so freely since before Buffy died. Willow's heart warmed in Buffy's presence and it pleased me. I wanted her to be happy. I needed for her to be happy.

I watched as Buffy extended her arms out to Willow, offering her strength to heal her, but Willow hesitated. She was afraid. She was so afraid of taking Buffy's hands. She was afraid of being vulnerable again. She was afraid of the way holding Buffy's hands would make her feel. She thought she didn't deserve it and it pained me that she gave herself such little worth.

'Take her hands,' I pleaded in my mind. Willow looked at Buffy steadily. Her eyes searched for Buffy's. She was searching for permission. She was searching for acceptance. She was searching for her friend. A shy smile crept over her face as it seemed she had found what she was looking for and finally took Buffy's hands.

"It's time," my mother said from behind me. I turned to look at her one last time for reassurance. She smiled broadly and nodded as a sign to continue.

My entire body was tense from the decision that stood before me. Every single muscle ached, even the ones on my face. The level of pressure was such that I could feel the frown on my face. I could feel the muscles on my forehead locked in tension. I closed my eyes to relax and breathed deeply. The air was sweet and it smelled like raspberry cream and apple scented shampoo.The smell reminded me of the last time I saw Willow standing before me. She was so happy and her smile was so beautiful. Her lips were stretched out broadly across her face and small little happy lines hugged the edges of her mouth. It had made smile thinking that perhaps I had put those there. 

I stood there with my eyes closed remembering Willow and heard the sound ofhappy birds chirping all around me. My heart was beating loudly and I placed my hands over my chest. I needed to feel my heart beat one last time. I needed to remember the way it felt. The way Willow made it beat. It was like music. Willow made my heart beat like music. She made my heart sing. She was my always . . .


But it was time to let her go.

"Reveal your heart to her!" I pleaded out loud this time, with the last ounce of strength I had left in me. I opened my eyes and watched through tearsas all the feelings Willow had been hiding in her heart poured into Buffy.I saw as Buffy's body jerked from the sudden impact. It pained her, the feelings inside Willow were tearing her apart, but it only made her strive harder to hold on. 

Willow's entire essence poured into her. Everything, every secret she held dear, every thought that made her happy, everyone that made her weep in pain, all of it . . . Buffy saw it all! She saw her heart as no one else had. She saw her heart as I had never seen it. 

Suddenly, Willow's essence returned to her in a terribly strong sucking motion taking Buffy''s essence with it. For a moment, for a brief bright moment, Buffy was inside of Willow looking out. She was allowed to see herself through Willow's eyes and everything was revealed to her.

"It is done," my mother said. "That should be enough, Sunshine. The wheels have been set in motion and now it's only a matter of time," she finished. I turned from the pond to face my mother as my body tremble. It was done. Ihad completed my duty. It had hurt, but I let her go.

I let her go.

I began walking away from the pond and my mother followed me.

"How much longer do you think it will take?" I asked curiously.

"It won't be long now, Sunshine. It won't be long," she assured.

To be continued in Part 3 "Rain"