Re: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for January and February 2003

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: Director of Public Safety; All Department Heads; and all other
interested parties.
FROM: United Vegetable Empire
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
January and February 2003

Item 1:
The evil adults have koala-napped our beloved Shade Wearing Mayhem Spreading
Koala once AGAIN!! It is the consensus of the Gutter's Intelligence and
Wild Rumour Mongers that this is all a plot of the Riley 4-Life Shippers to
break up the core trouble-makers of the Gutter and Woods Outback... and to
make SPAM the natural pastime. Such heinous veil acts against the furry,
scaly, and out right anti-adult among us shall not go unpunished. Prepare
the pitchforks and tar... I'll go round up the chickens for the feathers...
we have adults to torture into submission. 

We'll bring the popcorn for those who simply wish to observe the torture
sesssion.



Item 3:
Tater... why is there a 'pickled' cucumber outside of the hacker's house
singing "I am 'Enry the Eighth I am, I am"??? Also it is my duty to report
that an overzealous vegetarian Amazon sort of ate the 'pickled' cucumber
outside the Amazon Bard Queen's hut singing the very same song.

I have no idea. All my forces have been rather preoccupied with the cabbage
problem. As for the consumed veggie, we'll notify his family.


Item 4:
The cabbages... the cabbages... the cabbages are river dancing!

Yes. Someone left a large number of concealed speakers set up around the
Demonic Cabbage Patch which are continuously broadcasting the soundtrack
from Riverdance. We've been digging the dang things out of their hiding
places for two weeks, and we still haven't gotten them all. We've been
having to rotate the search teams to avoid psychotic breaks among the
searchers. After about ten days of constant exposure, the cabbages began
dancing. As a result, we've been having to rotate search teams every half
hour, and pay them triple hazard pay. We are also investigating the matter
of who caused this horror. Rest assured, when we find the perpetrator, they
will be subjected to the most heinous of punishments. We're going to chain
them to a chair facing the cabbage patch, and force them to watch the
cabbages river dance until their brains dribble out their ears. In the
meantime, we strongly recommend that all denizens of the Gutter and the
Woods Outback observe the quarantine zone we have erected around the Demonic
Cabbage Patch. Please people, it's for your own protection. You don't want
to go in there. No matter how drunk you are. ...And no tossing Riley
shippers in there either. If they join in the dancing we may have to nuke
the cabbage patch.


Item 6:
The resident Gator of the Woods Outback Swamp would like to issue his
protest of the new Gutter Campaign to rid our community of the cold-blooded
suits! While the Gator is aware the campaign is against the spread of
lawyers, ambulance chasers, and Spam dealers... he is not at all amused at
the suggestion his swamp be used as a dumping ground for the bodies of such
creatures.

You can try tossing the bodies in the Demonic Cabbage Patch. Maybe the
cabbages will get distracted eating them and stop dancing.


Item 8:
Under no circumstances is it permissible, advised, or even recommended that
outsiders go up to the dark Warrior Princess and suggest that she takes
'anger management' course. Especially if said Warrior Princess is armed...
and I would like to point out that the former-warlord is never without a
weapon of some sort. This is the woman that used a nut-bread loaf to beat
off a band of rabid Jehovah Witnesses that tried to convert the Amazons. 

Item 8 Add-on:
Er... did anyone ever find the remains of those religious nuts?? 

Yes, but you don't want to know where. And we think there were some parts
missing. It was hard to tell.


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)
Head: United Vegetable Empire