ff Fever Chapter Seven

["Christeen Demons" <Shyfox30@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Hey guys, I know it's been a while...but here's a new chapter of Fever.:-)


Disclaimer: We all know the drill. Characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer 
belong to Joss whedon, mutant enemy, and I guess Upn.

Subtext: You bet. Willow and Buffy Rosenberg Summers are very happily 
married. If this isn't your cup of tea...run...run away.:-)

This takes place somewhere in the seventh month of Willow's pregnancy...in 
the sappho's spell universe, after Eavesdropping.


Chapter Seven: The dream is over.

I have a picture, hanged to my wall.
An image of you and of me,
And we're laughing, we're loving it all.

Look at our life now.
Tattered and torn.
We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears,
And you cry until dawn.

Hold me now.
Hold my heart.
Stay with me,
Let loving start, let loving start.

You say I'm a dreamer.
We're two of a kind.
We're both of us searching for some perfect world,
we know we'll never find.

So perhaps I should leave here.
yeah, go far away.
But you know that there's nowhere that I'd rather be,
than with you here today.

You ask if I love you.
Well, what can I say.
You know that I do,
and that this is just one of those games that we play.

So I sing you a new song.
Please don't cry anymore.
I ask your forgiveness though I don't know just what I'm asking it for.
Thompson Twins

It was over.

Buffy felt the finality like a physical presence, wrapping around her heart 
and squeezing the very life out of it. Somehow things hadn't ended the way 
she'd expected them to. 'But then again, what ever really does?' Buffy 
thought to herself, morosely, standing silently in
the open bedroom doorway, watching Willow move purposefully around within. 
She castigated herself as the memories of her first and last confrontation 
with the witches that had brought her wife and child so perilously close to 
death rose once more in her mind. Her stomach churned as she let herself 
taste upon the rage that had surged through her then, dark and malevolent, 
it had fueled her actions turning her lethal combat skills especially 
deadly.

Shame burned her as she remembered the feral delight she had taken in 
tearing the witches apart. The sickeningly brittle sound of bones snapping 
echoed hauntingly in her ears. Bile rose threateningly at the image of torn 
flesh and bulging eyes her mind so happily conjured, reminding her of the 
monstrous deeds her rage had lead her to perform. Those actions that had 
torn asunder the very fabric of her life. The self-loathing she had felt 
then, renewed itself as her eyes rose to watch Willow pack items slowly and 
methodically into a suitcase. The redhead didn't blink...didn't even seem 
to be aware of what she was doing, instead handling the picking up and 
placing of articles of clothing automatically.

'Can't really blame her for leaving.' Buffy thought sullenly, staring down 
at the very vessels of her life's destruction. 'I am a monster.' Though 
Willow had claimed other reasons, Buffy knew deep in her heart that what she 
had done was the real driving force behind her wife's leaving.

Buffy sighed feeling the intense churning of her stomach worsen as she 
watched a river of tears fall unnoticed down her wife's face. Staring 
numbly at the floor, she felt a lump roughly the size of the Grand Canyon 
growing in her throat as she searched blindly for something that she could 
say to her. Some magical words that would find a way to make
things all right...that would change what had happened...and change things 
back to the way they used to be. But she had already tried everything she 
could think of...She'd begged her not to leave, tears steaming down her face 
as she threw away her pride, and any sense of
dignity that she'd had left.

"Don't...please don't leave me..." The broken words echoed loudly in her 
head, and she closed her eyes blocking out the sight of Willow clumsily 
wiping her shirt sleeve across the moisture on her face before she continued 
determinedly on her task. "I'll do
anything...just...please..." She remembered pleading, her heart breaking at 
how resigned Willow's face had been, even as tears fell from sad green eyes 
as she had told Buffy her plans to leave SunnyDale.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, Will. I...I promise I won't do anything like 
that ever again...I was just so...so pissed off...and s-scared...they hurt 
you Will." She had cried, her head bowed, her forehead coming to rest on her 
wife's shoulder as the weight of her actions bore heavily on her, thinking 
that Willow was leaving her because of what she had done.

"Oh..." Willow had gasped, wrapping her arms around the blond as best as 
she was able. "I'm not doing this to punish you, Buffy...I just..." Willow 
had started to say, then sighed heavily, sitting quietly for a few moments, 
except for an occasional sniff as the redhead apparently searched for the 
right words to say. "It made me realize the risk we're
taking...trying to have a baby...right on top of the HellMouth."

"I promise I'll protect you, Will. Both of you." She'd said, looking up at 
her wife, pleadingly. "I'll be the hero you need. Just give me one more 
chance to prove it."

"For how long?" Willow had questioned gently, even though it had the effect 
of stabbing Buffy right through the heart. "Buffy...do you honestly think 
that you'll be able to stop every single vampire and demon out there from 
harming our child? The HellMouth is a much too dangerous place to raise a 
baby. You can't protect us twenty-four hours a day, and I'm not so sure I 
want to live like that even if you could. I don't want her to have to live 
like that."

Buffy had wanted to argue that statement, but she'd tried another tactic 
instead. "Then...we...we'll leave together." She'd said, her eyes starting 
to shine as she'd warmed up to the idea. Leaving the HellMouth for good. 
"Both of us...Mom...Xander if he wants to
come with...we can all move far away from the HellMouth."

"There are demons everywhere, Buffy." Willow had tried to reason with her, 
her green eyes showing remorse, even as her words broke Buffy's heart 
further. "What's to stop them from coming after you? The Slayer." Buffy 
had shaken her head, trying to fend off Willow's voice of reason. She 
hadn't wanted to hear it, she didn't want to know why her life and happiness 
with Willow was doomed.

"I think now, you're just looking for excuses." Buffy had said finally, 
standing and pacing across the room. Her hurt had turned to anger, and her 
anger had gotten the better of her. "You went through Hell and now you're 
afraid of getting attacked again! Or maybe you're
disgusted with me for what I did. Maybe you can't forgive me. Maybe you 
don't love me anymore, because you see me for the monster I've become!"

Willow had shaken her head, her green eyes wide with hurt. "You're wrong 
Buffy. I do love you, but I don't want our child to pay the penalty. I 
don't want her to get caught in the crossfire."

Buffy hadn't said anything to that, merely turned and walked out, too hurt 
and angry to stay and fight for what she needed. Things just got worse 
after that. They didn't talk to each other, Buffy started avoiding Willow 
like the plague, working late at Mario's, then
spending the rest of the night in graveyards, taking her frustration and 
anger out on those hapless vampires who dared to cross her path. They barely 
saw each other, and when they did, they didn't speak, taking great pains to 
circle around each other to keep from getting
in the other one's way. Willow continued making her plans to leave 
Sunnydale, until one day it had all come to head as Buffy overheard Willow 
talking on the phone with her mother about an impending move to San 
Francisco. It had finally sunk in to Buffy that this wasn't just talk, 
Willow actually intended to leave her, and take their daughter with her.

Willow had looked up after hanging up the phone, to meet Buffy's stark, 
pain-filled eyes. Buffy had seen the hard green eyes relent a little as 
they'd looked at each other, reading the hurt in each other's faces.

"You can't just take her away from me." The ragged words had come out in a 
bare whisper, as Buffy's fingers had curled into painful talons digging into 
the flesh of her palm. The thought that she was losing Willow was bad 
enough, but the thought of never being allowed to watch her daughter be 
born...never get to hold her in her arms...never
watch her take her first step, or get her first tooth...never get to play 
with her...it was more than she could stand. "She's my daughter too, you 
know." She had reminded her wife, needlessly. "How can you do this to me? 
How can you...knowing how much I..." She hadn't been able to finish, her 
voice cracking with the unspoken emotion.

"Don't you think that I want to stay? Don't you know that this is killing 
me inside?!" Willow had asked, tears streaming, face blotchy, eyes red and 
puffy with the crying.

"She's not safe around you Buffy!" The cry had caught on a gasp that had 
stung Buffy to the core. 'She really does think I'm a Monster.' Buffy had 
thought, shrinking back from the emotion of the moment, and almost missing 
the rest of Willow's argument.

"And I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to her because I 
stayed...because I was too selfish to leave you...knowing how dangerous life 
on the HellMouth really is." The whispered finality in Willow's tone had 
been all that was needed to break down Buffy's defenses and throw all of 
Buffy's arguments to the wind. There was nothing she
could say to that...no way she could fight it, so she didn't even try.

Coming back to the present, Buffy followed Willow's movements with her eyes. 
The restrained way Willow folded and packed her clothes gave great 
testament to the amount of hold Willow was having to use against her own 
emotions. Buffy decided in that moment that she'd try to make this as 
painless for Willow as possible...try to let go of her
as gracefully as she could.

"Will you call me when you get to San Francisco?" Buffy asked hesitantly, 
swallowing several times before she was clear of the tears clogging up her 
throat.

Willow nodded tightly, her face set as she bit off a ragged sob of grief. 
Buffy watched, her heart breaking, as Willow's shoulders started to tremble 
noticeably. Buffy bit her lip, wanting so badly to go to her. Her fingers 
twitched with the need to console her, then
clenched, nails driving painfully into skin as she fought off the impulse, 
unsure if her touch would be accepted, and still feeling the stain of blood 
on her hands.

"I'll...um..." Buffy's voice broke and she had to stare at her feet for 
long, agonizing moments before she got it back. "I'll...send the nursery 
stuff when you get settled. Just...um...call me when you get there and I'll 
have it shipped to you." Her vision blurred with unshed tears, but not 
before she saw the resolve that had driven Willow's motions crumble.

Her slender form caved in on itself, bowing the red-head over as long 
agonized sobs tore from her throat. Willow covered her face with a neatly 
folded shirt muffling her cries as she sank bonelessly to the 
pristinely-made bed, rocking aimlessly back and forth, seemingly unable to 
control her body's motions.

Buffy couldn't keep herself from going to her any longer. She crossed the 
distance between them, wrapping her arms around the shaking shoulders 
feeling them stiffen momentarily under her touch before they convulsed, the 
sobs coming harder. Buffy went with her wife's motions, continuing to rock 
her as she murmured nonsensically in her ear.
She didn't even try to hold back the flow of her own tears, hiding her face 
in the soft, warm apex of her wife's neck, as she held her gently in her 
arms, one last time.

"I'm gonna miss you..." Buffy whispered into Willow's ear, trying to hide 
the tremble in her own voice. "...both of you..." Gentle hands caressed 
the rounded abdomen, feeling agitated movements under their touch. "So 
much." She finished with a sigh, conceding to her fate.

"Goddess..." Willow cried in an agonized groan. "I can't. I can't do this 
to you, Buffy."

Buffy heard the words that she'd wanted so badly to hear, but could take no 
comfort from them. She closed her eyes against the pain she was feeling, 
and found herself facing the same dilemma she'd faced during her fight with 
Angelus what seemed another lifetime ago.

It had seemed like her prayers had been answered when she saw the glow 
appear in Angelus's eyes during the fight, when he had dropped to his knees 
in agony. She had stood over him, sword raised, determination steadying her 
grip and she had been ready to strike him down. She'd looked at him 
confusion warring with distrust, convinced that it was
another ploy he was playing, Angelus trying to gain her trust one last time, 
but he'd looked up at her with those deep, soul filled eyes and she'd slowly 
realized that she had him back. Angel. Her first love...eyes so full of 
love that it had made her forget, for a timeless
instant, all the pain and fear he had brought upon her friends and her 
family. He had held her in his arms and it had felt so good...so warm, so 
caring, it felt like he could take all of her pain away.

It wasn't hard to remember the horror she'd experienced when she'd looked up 
from that warm embrace and saw Alcathla's dimensional portal forming, 
knowing then what she'd have to do. She'd thought then that it was the 
hardest thing she'd ever have to do, stabbing Angel and sending him to Hell 
for the sake of the world. If there was one thing she'd learned being the 
Slayer, it was self sacrifice.

She'd given up Angel for the sake of the world, she'd give up Willow...for 
the sake of her child.

"Yes, you can. You have to." Buffy whispered finally, feeling Willow 
stiffen in shock. She wasn't sure if it was the words that she said, or the 
fact that she had said them that made her stiffen, but she could feel the 
tension radiating through her wife. "No. I don't want you to go...and I 
know you don't want to go, but you made the right choice, Will." Buffy's 
voice trembled with emotion as she held onto Willow's shaking body.

Buffy paused, allowing her words to sink in after she'd said them. Finally 
realizing all that she was giving up. She felt a hole in the bottom of her 
soul that started off fairly small, but was growing bigger and bigger with 
every word that she said. A cold, bitter emptiness working it's way around 
her heart, a void she knew she'd never be able to fill after Willow had 
gone. 'I'd give up anything...I'd give my life...if I could just change 
things. But it's not like I have a say in the matter. She's right...I'm 
just putting them both at risk wanting them here.' Buffy thought to herself 
grimly.

"The Hellmouth isn't exactly a great place to raise a baby." Buffy 
whispered, her throat tight, her tone defeated. "She's better off away from 
here. Away from the Hellmouth. Away from the Slayer." She couldn't help the 
bitter twist to her voice on the last note, hating herself right at this 
moment with every fiber of her being.

Nothing was said after that, Buffy wasn't quite sure what to say, and Willow 
wasn't offering anything but silent sobs, so Buffy simply held her, taking 
as much comfort from these last moments as she could. The silence was so 
pervasive that the quiet knock on the door startled them both into jumping.

Buffy glared up at the hesitant intruder standing in her doorway. 
'Great...great timing, Mom.' Buffy growled internally, as she fought off the 
rising feeling of panic inside her, knowing her mother's presence now could 
only mean one thing.

"I'm sorry to...Buffy, Sheila's waiting downstairs." Joyce said, gazing in 
understanding sympathy back at her daughter.

'Yeah...figured as much.' Buffy thought, sadly, as she heard Willow's 
whispered 'no.' and felt her tense in her arms. Laying her head on her 
wife's shoulder she sighed. "We'll be down in a minute, Mom." Buffy 
whispered, not wanting to let go right this very second. In truth, she 
didn't ever want to let go.

"Don't let go." Willow whispered, her voice sounding tight and constricted 
in her throat. "Don't ever let me go."

Buffy sighed again, rubbing the extended stomach beneath her hands, thinking 
of the new life Willow would have. "You'll be all right, you know. You'll 
make a new life for yourself in San Francisco. Our daughter will..." She 
let her mind wander as she tried to imagine her wife giving birth, sweat and 
tears covering the redhead's face as the painful strain gave way to new 
life. She could almost hear the strong cries of her newly born daughter, 
could almost picture how she'd look, small and clean, placed in Willow's 
outstretched arms. She tried to imagine what she'd look like as she grew 
older, from the wobbling toddler taking her first steps, to the precocious 
five year old running to catch her first bus for school. She imagined her 
daughter happily playing in a nice big, green lawn, unconcerned about any 
dangers there might be in the world. She pictured a bright gleam of courage 
lighting green eyes as her daughter whooped wildly with joy as she rode her 
bike
without training wheels for the first time, Willow running breathlessly 
behind her, trying to keep up. "She'll be happy there...safe...protected. 
You'll make sure of it, Will. I know you will."

"This isn't exactly the way I thought things would..." Willow shrugged 
lightly.

"End up?" Buffy whispered, finishing her wife's sentence. "Me either. I 
wanted to live the rest of my life with you, Will. I wanted forever." She 
admitted, feeling the pain rising up, her stomach clenching as it tried to 
crush her with it's intensity. She shoved it back down, using her firm 
resolve to carry her through. She knew she'd have to deal with it 
eventually, but preferring it to be much later...after Willow was gone, when 
she could allow herself to drown in her own misery. Until then, she'd have 
to remain strong, for Willow's sake, if not for her own. "That isn't 
possible, but I want you to know that I will never regret any moment that I 
got to spend with you. You made me so happy, the happiest I've ever been. 
You gave me a lot to hold on to." She admitted, knowing those bright days 
would be all that she'd have to keep her sane in the days ahead. "You're 
still the best friend I've ever had, Will."

Deep green eyes looked startlingly back into hers. "Mine too." Her wife 
whispered, her throat closing around tears. Buffy kissed her then, 
slowly...softly, wanting to leave a burning, searing impression of her in 
her brain, the taste of her, the sweetness of her lips,
and the softness of her face against her hand as she caressed it.

"I'll love you forever, Willow Rosenberg-Summers." She said against her 
lips, tasting the saltiness of tears mingling in their kiss.

"I...I love you, Buffy." Buffy closed her eyes, feeling fresh tears slide 
down her cheeks. 'Okay...it's time. This isn't going to get any easier.' 
Buffy's brain, which had reached the satiation point of her emotional pain 
threshold prodded her into getting this over with.
Taking one of Willow's hands in hers she stood up from the bed, staring down 
into the vivid green of Willow's eyes, clearly reading the indecision and 
pain so very apparent in her eyes.

"Come on...your mom's waiting for you." Buffy said softly, her voice husky 
as she worked to wall up her emotions. Willow shook her head, her pale face 
and red-rimmed, tear-filled eyes giving testimony to the agony she was 
feeling toward the impending separation.

'Oh God! This isn't happening!' Buffy thought savagely, closing her eyes 
against the look that battered her every defense. 'This wasn't my idea, but 
now I have to convince her to leave me for her own good. How fair is 
that?!' She swallowed hard, shoving the thoughts aside and forced herself to 
do what she knew she had to.

Opening her eyes, she allowed all the love she felt for the redhead to come 
to the surface, wanting Willow to see it clearly in her eyes. She caressed 
the pale face gently, cupping a soft cheek in her hand. "Oh Willow...I 
promise you it will be okay." The words felt like a
lie on her lips, but she hoped they would at least be convincing.

"How can it be?" Willow asked, plaintively, her eyes full of doubt.

Buffy paused for a moment or two, stroking the tender skin beneath her thumb 
lightly, as she searched blindly for the right answer to that question. She 
knew things wouldn't be 'okay' for herself, her life would be over the 
moment Willow walked out the door. But maybe it didn't matter if she was 
okay, as long as Willow and the baby were all right. Finally, she could only 
come to one conclusion.

"It will be okay Will, because it has to be. There just isn't any other 
way." She could plainly hear the note of defeat in her own voice,
but she couldn't help it. She well, and truly felt...defeated.

Willow must have heard it too, because the redhead wrapped her arms around 
her and buried her head on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Buffy. I--"

"Shh...It's not your fault." Buffy whispered into her wife's ear, clasping 
her tightly to her. 'If it's anyone's fault, it's mine...I should have 
protected you better.' Buffy berated herself harshly, knowing she was never 
really going to be able to let that one go. "Never your fault. We 
tried...we really did. It just...didn't work." She sighed, shrugging her 
shoulders lightly at the admission. "But I don't regret it, Will. Not a 
moment of it." Heart hurting, she tried desperately to lighten up the 
moment. "We made magic together...didn't we?" She asked, smiling wistfully.

Willow nodded against her shoulder. "Yes we did." She whispered in Buffy's 
ear.

"You won't lose that. Our daughter will keep it alive for you, Will." 
Buffy whispered back, conviction warming her words.

"But what about you?" Willow asked, her voice trembling.

"I'll be fine, Will." Buffy lied glibly. "You don't have to worry about me. 
I'm the Slayer, remember. I can take care of myself." Buffy brushed off 
her wife's concern, not able to take it when faced with the reality of the 
situation.

Sharp green eyes looked instantly up into hers. "You can't lie to me, 
Buffy." Willow said sternly, catching Buffy flatfooted. "I know you too 
well. You can't tell me this isn't hurting you."

"I never said it wasn't." Buffy said coolly, pain flashing in blue eyes. 
She tried hard to temper her words. She didn't want her last parting words 
with Willow to be spiteful. "But it doesn't change anything. We both know 
why you have to leave. How I feel about it
doesn't matter."

"It isn't fair to you." Willow cried, guilt apparent in her eyes.

"Life isn't fair, Will." Buffy retorted, softening her voice to lessen the 
impact of her statement. "I've known that for a long time. Ever since I 
became the Slayer. I just forgot it for a while." She smiled ruefully, 
gazing into her wife's green eyes as she struggled to be
truthful with her. "I was living an impossible dream, Will. I thought that 
if I wanted it bad enough I could stop being the Slayer, that I could retire 
and live a normal life with you. That we could raise our baby together. We 
just got our wake up call sooner than I thought
we would. That's not your fault...it's just the way it is." Buffy finished 
quietly.

Buffy backed up, picking up her wife's suitcase with her right hand as she 
chafed her wife's right hand with her left. "It's time." She murmured 
softly, watching, her heart aching, as Willow blinked back tears and nodded 
jerkily.

As they walked silently, hand in hand, out of the room, Willow stopped, to 
look back. Buffy could see by the expressions on the redhead's face, a 
thousand memories springing to life in her wife's mind as she stared back at 
the room they had shared. 'I hope they're all good ones, Will.' Buffy 
thought hopefully, before squeezing her wife's hand gently, bringing her 
back to the present. She watched as Willow sighed, squaring her shoulders 
before raising her gaze to meet Buffy's own.

"I'm ready." Willow said simply, and Buffy nodded. 'That pretty much says 
it all.' Buffy thought as they continued they're journey, walking hand in 
hand down the stairs.

Sheila Rosenberg waited for them at the foot of the stairs. "Well, I was 
starting to wonder when you two would get down here." She stated snippishly 
and Buffy had to visibly restrain herself from taking the woman's head off.

"We were just...finishing up, mom." Willow said quietly, slipping her hand 
from Buffy's, though Buffy hated letting her go.

Buffy watched from the corner of her eye, as Willow hugged Joyce. She could 
partially hear they're conversation but she didn't want to intrude on their 
moment, knowing that the two women had held a special relationship, and that 
Willow's saying goodbye to her was like saying goodbye to her own mother. So 
Buffy reluctantly turned her attention to Sheila.

'God...she looks like she's about ready to fly out of her own skin.' Buffy 
noted, sardonically. The woman looked haggard, tired..and jumpy, like she 
had been up all night and drinking way too much caffeine. 'I wonder if this 
is a normal condition for her, or if it's just the aftereffects of living on 
the Hellmouth.' Buffy wondered snidely, feeling the sting of losing the 
battle that this woman had waged on her relationship with Willow. She had 
tried to split them apart from the start, and Buffy couldn't help feeling a 
little resentful that the woman had won.

Reluctantly, she handed Willow's suitcase over to the woman. "Take care of 
her." Buffy said tightly, too emotionally overwhelmed to see the irony in 
the statement.

"I will." Sheila replied staunchly, as though the thought should never even 
be taken into consideration. Buffy could take little relief from the verbal 
promise, but nodded her head anyway.

"Well...I guess we should be going...Willow...we don't want to run into 
traffic." Sheila said, looking extremely uncomfortable as she glanced at 
her watch.

'Yeah...like there's a lot of traffic at six a.m.' Buffy thought 
scornfully, rolling her eyes.

"Okay Mom." Buffy could hear the stiffness in her wife's tone as she 
responded to her mother, but after she'd hugged Joyce one last time and 
turned to face her, Buffy could see the remorse in her eyes.

Buffy couldn't care less what anyone else thought as she hugged her wife 
tightly for the very last time. "I'll call...write...we'll keep in 
touch...okay?" Buffy couldn't help the crack in her voice, and for once, she 
didn't care. Willow merely whimpered, nodding her head
against Buffy's shoulder, before she hugged her quickly and stepped back.

"Be safe." Willow whispered, and Buffy bit down on her own lip as she 
nodded, the physical pain keeping the tears at bay.

Buffy's hands clenched as she watched Sheila put her arm around Willow's 
shoulders, putting some emotional distance between them. "Joyce...Thank you 
for all you've done...you've truly been a godsend. I'm sure Willow truly 
appreciates you." Sheila said,
the sugary sweetness in her tone, making Buffy feel like she was going to be 
physically ill.

'I never did like the woman.' She thought acidly, crossing her arms tightly 
over her chest, as her resentment of the woman grew.

"Well...Goodbye Buffy...I hope things...go well for you." Sheila prattled 
on, looking her way and Buffy glared at the woman, letting some of her 
resentment show. 'Must have scared the woman.' Buffy thought darkly, 
chuckling mentally as her fidgeting increased.
'Such a shame.' Her thoughts continued, sarcastically.

"Yes...well..." Sheila stuttered, her hand fluttering against Willow's 
shoulder. "We really must be going."

'So go...who's stopping you?' Buffy thought, rolling her eyes. 'It's 
almost as if she's waiting for me to attack her.' Buffy thought 
sardonically, then realized she was right, as Sheila glanced apprehensively 
back at her. 'She is! Oh for god's sake!' Buffy threw her hands mentally 
up in the air. 'Just get the hell out of here...before I have a chance to 
change my mind.' And she'd do it too, if Willow didn't leave 
soon...now...Buffy knew she'd end up making a fool out of herself by begging 
her to stay...on her knees if she had
to...despite all the reasons why she couldn't.

Willow must have sensed it too, because their eyes met just before Sheila 
began to lead her away, and Buffy could see the same desire in her wife's 
green eyes. "There now...we'll get you tucked into the car and then we'll 
be on our way." Sheila said, breaking the moment, and she kept up a steady 
verbal patter, breaking the pre-dawn stillness, as she led Willow across the 
lawn to the car parked on the street outside.

'How appropriate that she leaves me at dawn...when daytime and nighttime 
meet.' Buffy thought as she watched the first glints of sunlight breaking 
over the horizon. 'How profound.' Buffy snorted at herself. 'I know 
exactly which one I am. No wonder we didn't last.'

Buffy watched, arms crossed, as she leant against the door sill. She felt 
her mom's presence behind her, taking small comfort from her mother's hand 
resting gently on her shoulder. She knew it was the only support keeping her 
standing as her wife got into the passenger seat of the sedate looking Saab. 
She felt panic rising up inside of her, and had to rely on her Slayer 
reserves to keep herself standing there, instead of running over to the car 
and dragging Willow out if she had to.

'It's for the best, it's for the best, it'sforthebest.' She repeated over 
and over to herself like a mantra as she watched Sheila place the
suitcase in the back seat, then walk over to the driver's side of the car. 
'You owe her this...you owe the baby this...let...her...go!' She told 
herself sternly, as her fingers dug harshly into the flesh of arms.

She tried to smile as Willow waved tentatively to her from the car...but she 
couldn't seem to make her mouth move. 'Good bye, Will. Have a good life.' 
She thought to her hard, wishing her wife could at least hear her thoughts. 
The redhead smiled back sadly as though she had.

The sound of the car starting was like a shot to her heart, but Buffy stood 
firm. Her resolve didn't flicker when she heard it being put into gear. It 
only started to crack when she saw the car begin to move, and she shrugged 
off her mother's hand as she fell forward
a step just as it picked up speed. She felt her walls crumbling as the red 
of the taillights drove out of sight, and her feet started to move over the 
cool grass toward the road. She barely noticed that her feet were bare, 
hardly felt the tickling sensation of the grass under
her feet. She almost didn't hear her mother coming up behind her, calling 
her name, but a part of her did.

"Buffy...where are you going?" Through the numbness, she could almost hear 
the note of concern in her Mom's voice...but somehow couldn't get past the 
cold feeling filling her chest to care.

"Out." She mumbled, her voice barely loud enough to carry in the still air, 
as tears started welling and falling unnoticed from her eyes.

"When will you be back?!" Joyce called out again, and Buffy could definitely 
hear the worry in her voice now as she reached the street, her cold feet 
resting on the cool pavement. There was a part of her that felt guilty for 
the concern she was causing her mother, the voice of conscience in her head 
told her that she should turn around and
alleviate her mother's worries. It was quickly drowned out by the 
overwhelming need to get away. She left her with a last parting remark.

"Later."


...to be continued.


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