Fic: Could this be goodbye? 1/1

["jend1205" <jend1205@xxxxxxxxx>]

I wrote this one more for myself more then anything but I thought
I'd 
share. Oh yeah and I switch POV's between Buffy and Willow I hope 
it's not to confusing.

Author: Jend
Disclaimer: It's late I don't own. Yada yada yada
Ratings: pg-13 lots of cuss words, attempted suicide, depression. 
Spoilers: Mostly four but we'll say up to four.
Pairings: none really just friendship in this one.  


"Buf, how's Willow dealing with all this really?"
Xander asked as 
we made our way through the cemetery.

"I don't know. She hasn't said much since she came back
from spending 
those three days with her parents but she didn't even have the
chance 
to get over Oz leaving before her grandmother died. I'm worried
about 
her, Xander. She seems so quiet anymore."

"Well maybe we can cheer her up?"

"What did you have in mind?" Buffy asked wondering what he
had in 
mind.

"I was thinking maybe the three of us should have a night just
for 
us. Get some pizza, make some popcorn and find the funniest movie we 
can find."

"I like your thinking, my man. Willow thinks I'm staying at
Riley's 
tonight so we could surprise her."

"Race ya to the pizza place," Xander yelled already twenty
feet in 
front of his best friend.







I walked into the dorm room that I shared with Buffy and threw my 
books on the desk. I opened the window, breathing in the crisp cool 
fall air, and watched the sunlight fading just below the 
horizon. `This is the last sunset I ever want to see.' I dug
through 
my purse to find the pill bottles that I had hidden in there after my 
trip to `my parents'. That was almost funny, if I'd
stopped to think 
about it for minute. I actually never wanted to see those bastards 
again. Weren't you supposed to love your children no matter what
they 
did with their lives? I wanted to cry, to scream, to beat my fist 
into the wall. God, I don't know what scares me most the
depression 
or the anger. Maybe for me they walked hand in hand down the long 
road of my mind. Was I angry with myself for not being able to handle 
the depression or was the depression because I was so angry. 
Sometimes I just wanted to find a dark corner and hide from the world 
and others it felt like I just wanted to beat the hell out of whoever 
was standing in my path. I bet your asking yourself why, why
don't 
you take your sorry ass and get some help? All I can say to that is 
yeah whatever, been there and done that. Hell they don't care. I
went 
to see my doctor when the thoughts of not wanting to see another day 
finally got to the point it scared me. He sent me to a nice little 
unit in the Sunnydale hospital. What was it called again? Oh yeah 
that's right, the behavioral health unit, the politically correct
way 
to say the mental hospital. Well I went to there little twice a day 
group meetings and talked to the therapist. I took the pills they 
gave out in the morning, afternoon and night, from the door split in 
half so the nice nurse could lock herself away behind the closed 
lower half. I really wanted it to work. I didn't want to die;
I'd 
spent the last three and half years fighting so that me and the rest 
of the world could stay alive. I didn't want to become the girl
who 
escaped her problems with heroin, only to end up in the same place as 
me. If it hadn't been so sad, it would have been funny, watching
her. 
I was sitting in the room that had been designated the smoking room 
one night when she came in carrying a pan of hot water, or so she 
thought in her drug induced mind. I watched as she crawled into the 
closet mumbling about killing the ants that lived there. I didn't 
want to become that. I wanted to get better, I wanted to be happy 
like I was before Oz left and my grandma died. Oh how my life had 
spiraled out of control so fast. Two months ago I was a shy college 
freshman with a boyfriend in a band, who oh by the way helped save 
the world to someone who felt so alone and couldn't even feel any 
emotions except the anger and self loathing. Who could blame Oz for 
cheating on a nobody like me? Hell my parents hated me because I was 
attracted to a girl. Yeah did I mention that, I think I'm kinda
gay? 
Another recent development in the roller coaster ride from hell, that 
I call my life. If all the other problems hadn't been enough, I
had 
to face that little bitty revelation, after meeting this cute blonde 
witch in the Wicca meeting I went to. I thought maybe just once in my 
teenage life that I could count on my parents to be there for me. Did 
I get that, nooo, what did I get you ask? I got a big load of 
horseshit. You know the `if you even consider this don't call
us 
we'll call you' sure they will, the day after we can ice
skate in 
hell. I swear they even told me, `Bye have a nice life, you sick 
perverted lesbian'. Well I might be a tad bitter and exaggerated
that 
last part but that was what I was feeling when I walked out the door 
that night. Maybe I should have talked to Buffy's mom or Giles, 
they've been more like parents to me then those things that
brought 
me into this world. Oh wow look at that, all the pills are gone. Do 
you know how much water it takes to wash down that many pills? 
Probably not, if your lucky. I can almost feel the water sloshing 
around in my stomach. I wonder if I should've written a note?
Nah, 
they wouldn't understand even if I poured out my soul into it. I 
looked up into the night sky just in time to see a star shoot through 
the darkness. I recited the children's poem and wished for it to
be 
fast and painless. Maybe I'll lie down for a while. Sleep, yeah 
that's it, sleep, maybe forever?






I swear the hair on the back of my neck stood on end when we 
walked through the front door of the building that housed the room 
Willow and I had shared since my demon roommate's father showed
up 
and took her away. I shook my head trying shake the sense of dread 
that I felt as we made our way up the steps to my room. I tried to 
concentrate on Xander telling me about his new job but it wasn't 
working.

"Buffy have I told you how I want to just throw you against that
wall 
and make passionate love to you right here in the hallway."

"That's nice. Huh, WHAT!?" I asked my mind finally
grasping what he 
had said.

"Can you hear the words coming out of my mouth? What's up,
you 
haven't heard a word I've said since we walked into the
building."

"I'm sorry. I just can't shake the feeling that
something's wrong." I 
said as we stood outside the door that led to my room, to my best 
friend in the world. I swear that I could feel her pain through the 
door. I fished for my keys in my pocket and opened the door. The room 
was dark except for the moonlight coming through the open window 
between the beds. I could see the lump in the bed beside mine and 
called out, "Will, you asleep?"

"Buffy?" The groggy voice asked, shifting slightly. 

"Yeah and I brought a man shaped best friend with me. I'm
going to 
turn on the light now," I told her in time for her to cover her
eyes 
to the offensive overhead light.

"Hey Will," Xander called putting the pizza on Willow desk
before 
picking up the empty pill bottles sitting next to the almost empty 
bottle of water.

"What's up? Buffy I thought you were going to Riley's
tonight?" 
Willow asked not even sitting up in bed.

"Well Xan and I decided we needed some Scooby time instead. We 
brought movie and pizza goodness with us." I said trying to put
as 
much enthusiasm in my voice as I could muster.

"Hey Buffy, I think I lost something in the hallway. Can you come 
help me find it?" Xander said as he grabbed me by my arm leaving
me 
no room for arguments.

"What the hell is going on with you?" I asked him rubbing my
arm 
where he had grabbed it, hard.

Xander pulled three bottles our of his shirt pocket and handed them 
to me, "Check the dates, Buff. These were just filled like two
days 
ago. There should be like 125 pills in those three bottles."

"But?but there empty?" I said looking at the label,
Efexor, 
Trazidone, Buspar, what the hell were these and why were they empty? 
I looked at Xander and threw the door to our room open. Willow was 
still lying in her bed. I walked up beside it and sat down. I was in 
shock. I was the goddamn Slayer and I had no idea what to do.
"Will," 
I started my voice cracking. "Willow, did you take this?"

"Yeah."

"Why?" I asked, sounding harsher then I had intended. I
watched as 
someone that I would die for and had on one occasion, shrink away 
from me.

"You weren't coming home tonight. I was supposed to be alone.
I can't 
do this anymore." She said more to herself then to me.

"Xander call my mom, tell her to get here now," I said
looking into 
the shocked eyes that I know must be reflected in my own. 







"I can't do this anymore. I hate feeling like this. Buffy,
please 
just let me go?" I pleaded with her. " Just walk out the door
and 
pretend you didn't see this."

"I can't do that, Will. I love you to much to just let you
go." Buffy 
said grabbing my hand. I suppose she was trying to offer me comfort 
but that's not what I wanted.

"If you love me?" I started.

"NO!" I heard from the boy, no he was a man now, who had been
by my 
side for as long as I could remember. "I will not let you go like 
this. Damn it Willow, I am so pissed off at you right now that I 
can't even put into words how pissed off I am."

I closed my eyes and felt a single tear roll down my cheek, not for 
my pain but for the pain that I could hear in his voice. He was 
afraid for me. I felt my heart jump and for a minute I thought it was 
going to beat out of my chest. I couldn't help but think that
this 
was it. The short life of Willow Rosenberg was coming to an end, not 
with the bang that I had once hoped it might have been but with the 
whimper of a scared, frightened young woman. 

"Willow?" Buffy yelled shaking me, pulling me from my
thoughts or was 
that a babble that I had been so prone to do. Was it bad that I was 
now talking about myself in the past? Probably. "Damn it were is
my 
mom? Come on Will, let's get you standing and ready to go." 

Buffy pulled me out of the bed, into a sitting position on the side 
of the bed and turned to talk to Xander. I wonder when it became so 
hard for me to sit up by myself? I've been doing it years all by 
lonesome. My thoughts were cut short when I found myself face first 
staring at the carpet. Hey how'd I get here? 

"Willow!" I heard in stereo from the two people that meant
the world 
to me. How could I leave them here to fight alone? What would happen 
to them if I died? Would Buffy run away like she did when she had to 
kill Angel? Would Xander be able to forgive himself for something he 
had no control over? Shit, damn, fuck, son of a bitch why did they 
have to pick this time to come to my rescue? Where the hell were they 
when I needed them two weeks ago or hell a few hours ago? And
who'd 
thought I, sweet little innocent Willow could sting that many cuss 
words together. 

"Buffy, I think we need to call an ambulance." Xander cried,
his eyes 
shiny with the tears that had yet to fall and his cheeks wet from the 
ones that had already made the journey down his face.

"Do it," Buffy ordered and moved to sit me up. Wasn't
that so like 
her? When things got bad who did we turn to, Buffy of course. She 
always rode in to save the day. Wow, I had my own personal night in 
shining armor. "Willow, do you feel sick, cause I think if you do
you 
should let it out."

Now I just want to say right now that I didn't want to throw up
until 
she opened her big Slayer mouth. She just had to say it and now all 
that damn water that was sloshing around in my stomach was screaming 
to come out. I nodded my head.

"Xander trashcan." Buffy yelled and caught it just as I felt
the 
offending water come forth. I bet she was thanking god for Slayer 
reflexes because I have a feeling a second longer and her nice outfit 
would have been a little messy. "Let it out, baby," she
whispered 
soothingly in my ear, rubbing my back. God this must be hell,
that's 
it, I'm dead right now and this is hell. I'm really not
sitting on 
the floor of my dorm throwing up the most vile white foamy shit I had 
ever seen and living on the hellmouth all my life I had seen some 
vile things. I looked up and saw the woman that I wished had been my 
mother standing beside Xander. I couldn't hear what he was saying
but 
for just a second my eyes locked with the older woman's and lets
just 
say that I now could add ashamed to the list of negative feelings 
rolling around in my head tonight. I was letting the people who cared 
and loved me down. I was the reason that they were standing in this 
room, tears rolling freely down their faces. Sadness filling the room 
like thick smoke from a raging fire. 





`Where the hell was that fucking ambulance' my mind screamed
as I 
watched Willow throw up into the trashcan. My Slayer hearing could 
pick up the changes in her heartbeat, it had been beating wildly when 
she had fallen off the bed and now seemed to slow to almost nothing. 
I couldn't lose her, not like this. This wasn't a vampire or
a demon 
that I could swoop in on and save the day. This was a plea for help 
or the legitimate attempt to end the pain. I looked into my
mother's 
eyes pleading for my mommy to make it all better, like she would do 
when I was little. Scrapped knee's always felt better when my
mommy 
would kiss them and put a band-aid on them. I felt rather then saw 
her sit down beside me and wrap her arms around Will's
shoulder's and 
mine. That's how the paramedics found us sitting on the floor,
three 
scared people holding on for dear life to someone who was trying so 
hard to let it go. The paramedics went to work taking blood pressure, 
hooking up monitors, starting IV's and asking endless questions.
It 
took every once of patience not to scream at them to hurry up.

"Ms. Rosenberg?" The youngest of the paramedics asked.
"How long have 
you been on these meds? There for depression, right?"

Depression? Willow? My mind wouldn't even wrap around the concept.








"Yes and about week. I was released from the behavioral health
unit 
three days ago." I figured I had might as well be honest. I guess 
there wasn't any reason to hide it now. I could see the shocked
looks 
from the three other people in the room who knew me. I knew that they 
were coming to the realization that I had lied to them about my 
whereabouts for the three days that I had disappeared. I guess I 
could just add the guilt to the growing list that I seemed to be 
compiling tonight. 

"Do you think you can move to the bed?" The younger one asked
me. I 
started to stand but before I could even push myself up, Buffy 
scooped me up into her strong arms and placed me gently onto the 
gurney. If I listened real close I could hear the sound of her horse 
in the distance because once again she had rode in and saved the day. 










I watched as they wheeled my best friend into the ambulance and 
followed the young paramedic that I had discovered was named Bob, 
into the back of the truck. I waited for Bob to argue. I guess he 
must have seen the look of determination in my face because he closed 
his mouth before he even had said a word. There was no way in hell 
that I was going let her down again. I had been so wrapped up in my 
own life that I hadn't been able to put two and two together to
make 
four and figure out that she had needed me. Oh god she looks so pale 
lying there. I held her hand, careful not to tug on the IV needle 
that was sticking in the back of it. I looked into her face and for 
the first time I wondered when the dark circles had appeared under 
her eyes. She looked so fragile that I just wanted to pull her into 
my arms and hold her, make it all go away. I saw the emergency room 
come into view and breathed a sigh of relief for finally arriving. 
Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that it would be ok now. 
These people would save her life and Xander and I would make sure it 
stayed that way.









I sat on the bed behind the curtain and listened to the sounds of the 
emergency room. The paramedics had wheeled me in here and a young 
doctor had shown up just as they walked away. He talked to me and did 
his usual exam and told me that because I had thrown up so much that 
they wouldn't have to pump my stomach. I guess maybe the Slayer
had 
done a good thing then. On the down side the nurse appeared later 
carrying a big cup that I swear looked like tar. Not tar but close, 
charcoal. I thought my mouth was going to hit the floor when she told 
me that I was supposed to drink it all or it was back to the stomach-
pumping thing. It was a little hard after taking a swig of it not to 
suggest going back to it. So there I sat with my cup of charcoal, 
which might I add should be used only for cooking food, while the 
social worker came in and talked to me. I think I had her convinced 
to just let me go home to my bed. That I was feeling better and had 
come to some conclusions while I had sat on the floor throwing up 
stuff that I don't even think that I had eaten. I was screaming
for 
help and help had arrived in the form of my friends. 
She nodded and told me that she wanted to talk to those friends 
before she made any final decisions on what she would like to see 
happen, before slipping out through the curtain. I took another big 
swig of the black gunk that was slowly becoming my enemy and wiped my 
mouth with the back of my hand. I looked at it and frowned, it was 
covered in black and I could just about imagine what my face looked 
like. I looked up when I heard the curtain open and looked away when 
I realized that it was Buffy standing there. She didn't say
anything 
just walked over the sink and wet a paper towel. She stood beside the 
bed and gently wiped the black grime from my face and hand. I could 
never leave her. What the hell was I thinking? One by one the tears 
started to slide down my face. Buffy wrapped me into those strong 
arms that I had wanted to crawl into since the first thought of 
ending my life had started and the damn broke. I cried for the love 
that I had lost with Oz, for the grandmother who was never coming 
back, for my parents who had let their bigotry and hate come between 
us, for almost ending a friendship that I knew would always be there 
to hold me up when I had hit bottom and I was pretty sure I had hit 
that bottom, hard.

"Talk to me, Will." Buffy whispered into my ear and through
the 
tears, I did. I told her everything that I had been feeling and was 
feeling. I told her about Tara and thinking I was gay, about the 
fight with my parents, my fear of her rejection and the people I was 
the closest too. I let it go and for the first time in months I 
smiled and meant it. "Willow, promise me you'll come to me if
you 
ever feel like this again. I love you so much. I'm not sure I
could 
go on every night without you. If you ever scare me like this I swear 
to whatever god is listening I will kick you skinny ass."

"I promise." I said and meant it. I had found my peace, I
knew that I 
still had some things that I needed to work out but I knew with Buffy 
and Xander and Giles and Joyce by my side I would come out on top.

"Willow, the social worker thinks that maybe you should take a
couple 
of days and check back into that behavioral health thingy again. Mom 
and I think it would be a good thing too. She said that you
didn't 
give the meds long enough to work, that's why you haven't
been 
feeling any better. After you get out Mom wants you to stay with her 
for a while. Want do you think, slumber party every night, home 
cooked meals?" Buffy said with a big goofy grin on her face. How 
could I say no to that? I knew now that I could never leave. I was 
going to make it and I knew that my best friends would be right there 
beside me the whole way.