Re: Afterlife Happens (3/?) (B/W)

["bighotvirgo" <BHV@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Amazying - this chapter's even more powerful than the last. 
I really want more of this story but at the same time I'm scared of 
what we'll see happen. 
Consider that a compliment. Good stuff here.


--- In buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, "ivygort" <
ivygort@e...> wrote:
> Author Ivy Gort 
> 
> Spoilers up to Afterlife and then it takes off in another direction.
> 
> Direct quotes from the episode Afterlife written by Jane Epson. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters nor do I claim 
ownership of this fiction.
> 
> Summary: Willow has to deal with the consequences of her 
actions.
> 
> A big special thanks to Ann Marie for BETAing this monster. 
Without her this story would not have been written or posted the 
Buffy lists.
> 
> 
> 
> ********************************************************************
****
> 
> 
> 
> Part Three
> 
> 
> 
> ********************************************************************
****
> 
> 
> 
> I'm sitting here sewing up Buffy's fingers; normally she doesn't 
need stitches, even when the cut is down to the bone, like it is 
now. All Giles used to do was pull the edges together with tape 
and by the next day the cut would be closed. The day after that, 
the scar would be gone. 
> 
> 
> 
> Tiny stitches, close the wound, pull the thread, tie the knot, 
move on to the next one. 
> 
> 
> 
> The light from the window I'm sitting under is just enough. It's 
the window that Buffy would climb out each night to go on patrol. 
> 
> 
> 
> I guess I'm overcompensating for not fixing her hands when 
she clawed her way out of her own coffin. And the guilt just 
keeps on coming. Not only do I pull her out of heaven; I leave 
her in a coffin, six feet underground.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm two for two in the 'let's traumatize your best friend' 
competition.
> 
> 
> 
> Well, at least I'm using the purple thread. She likes purple. I 
have no idea why surgical thread is different colors. It just never 
occurred to me to find out. 
> 
> 
> 
> I hear the front door slam open and footsteps on the stairs; it's 
a single set so my guess it's Tara. Xander probably went to 
pick-up Dawn from school and Anya wouldn't leave her money in 
the middle of the day, so it has to be Tara. Usually I would be 
able to feel it when Tara was this close to me; only now, I'm 
working hard at not feeling anything.
> 
> 
> 
> Tiny stitches, close the wound, pull the thread, tie the knot, 
move on to the next one.
> 
> 
> 
> She comes rushing into Buffy's room all out of breath and 
flushed faced. And her beauty absolutely stuns me. I don't want 
to feel, I don't want to think of the conversation we have ahead of 
us. 
> 
> 
> 
> Tara always warned me about using too much magic; to her it 
was her religion. She truly believes in the natural order of things, 
'do as ye will and harm none.' 
> 
> 
> 
> Well, I'd say she's broken that rule. I'd say she's harmed one, 
so what does that mean? 
> 
> 
> 
> Have I damned her, too?
> 
> 
> 
> Don't think, don't feel, don't breathe..
> 
> 
> 
> Tiny stitches, close the wound, pull the thread, tie the knot, 
move on to the next one.
> 
> 
> 
> She's standing a few steps inside the doorway watching me. I 
can see the concern written all over her face, and at the same 
time I know she reaching out to me. Not on a physical level, we 
are sooo past that, she's reaching out to me with her emotions. 
> 
> 
> 
> She's an empath; she can project her emotions-calm 
reassurance-that's what I suspect she trying to send to me.
> 
> 
> 
> "Sweetie?" She asks, when she gets no response, she moves 
further into the room to stand by the opposite side of the bed. 
> 
> 
> 
> Alright, so now I have to talk to her. I can do it; I used to talk to 
her all the time. But that was before I found out that I may have 
talked her into damning herself to raise my -- what? Just what 
was, I mean is, Buffy to me? More than a friend, less than a 
lover, no she's more than a lover, she was a part of me.
> 
> 
> 
> "Willow, sweetie, Xander said you sounded.." She starts with 
that concerned tone of voice she has, the tone I used to love, but 
now I can't stand to hear.
> 
> 
> 
> "Tara," I cut her off without looking up, I don't want to miss a 
stitch, now do I? "Tara, I will tell you what's going on when 
everyone else is here." I have to pause, the tears have started 
again and I don't trust my voice.
> 
> 
> 
> "I will only be able to say it once." I finish lamely. I use the 
sleeve of my shirt to wipe my face.
> 
> 
> 
> "Willow, baby," she starts to come around the bed. And I don't 
want that so.. If I can't stand to hear the concern in her voice then 
the touch of her love will shatter me.
> 
> 
> 
> "Stop!" I shout, and I suddenly feel it, the power, uncurling, 
looking for a fight. I want to use it; I want to crush her just so I 
won't have to look at the pain in her eyes. It wants to crush her, it 
wants to be released and I want to let it free. 
> 
> 
> 
> God help me, I want to let it have me. I would do anything to 
make this burning in my soul stop. 
> 
> 
> 
> Tiny stitches, close the wound, pull the thread, tie the knot, 
move on to the next one. 
> 
> 
> 
> Don't move, don't look up at Tara, keep your hand steady. 
Don't let her know..
> 
> 
> 
> Is this what it means to be damned? Is it this constant torture, 
this searing insight into how horribly you have hurt the person 
that you love most, is this what Hell is going to be like?
> 
> 
> 
> I can tell that the tears are coming again because Buffy's 
fingers have become blurry. Oh, well, there wasn't anymore 
room on her fingers to put another stitch. I start to methodically 
pack away the First Aid kit, when I realize that Tara is still there.
> 
> 
> 
> She must have seen something in me because she's still 
standing exactly as she was when I shouted at her. I mildly 
wonder if some of the power might have leaked out and I froze 
her accidentally.
> 
> 
> 
> But then her hand flies to her mouth in horror, so nope, not 
frozen.
> 
> 
> 
> "Willow, honey, please let me help." She begs.
> 
> 
> 
> I look up at her for the first time, I meet her eyes with mine and 
I let her see it. I'm not sure if it manifests on a physical plane or 
not. With Tara it doesn't matter. She takes an instinctive step 
backward before she can catch herself.
> 
> 
> 
> We just look at each other for a few moments -- not moving, 
not speaking -- not feeling.
> 
> 
> 
> The front door opens downstairs and I hear Xander and Dawn 
come into the house. Since I have no idea how deeply Buffy is 
sleeping, I motion Tara to follow me as I stand up. As I brush 
past her, she doesn't touch my arm but her words stop me.
> 
> 
> 
> "We will talk about this, I will not loose you." Tara tells me, her 
voice is full of confidence. 
> 
> 
> 
> I let it come out a little bit more, enough for it to show on the 
outside, enough for it to take the edge off the worst of the pain. 
But, once I take the reins off, it floods outs -- oh god the relief -- 
it's smothering the agony. It drowns all the questioning, all the 
wondering . gone in a blink of an eye.
> 
> 
> 
> When I'm ready, I do a slow pivot to face Tara. I want her to 
see it, I want her taste it, to touch it, this is power! This is the 
monster I'm destined to become.
> 
> 
> 
> "That's not your choice." I say coldly, using a tiny hint of force. 
"Nothing will be your choice ever again." She backs away from 
me, and keeps backing until her back is pressed up against 
Buffy's closet door. Her expression is one of utter devastation as 
the tears well up in her eyes. 
> 
> 
> 
> "Will-Willow," I notice her stutter is back. Her fear of me is 
wafting off her in waves and its delicious. "I know you're not a 
bad person.."
> 
> 
> 
> "I don't care what you know or think you know, Lover." I mock 
her, feeding off of her hurt along with her terror. 
> 
> 
> 
> I detect the magical energies forming around her and act 
before she's ready to anchor the shield. With a twitch of my little 
finger I shatter it. 
> 
> 
> 
> "Always the Wiccian, Lover?" I smirk, "A mirror shield to deflect 
my power back at me?"
> 
> 
> 
> One measured step forward into her space. "A mirror shield, 
Lover? Come now, can't you do better than that?" An idea forms 
in my mind.. "If you like mirrors so much, how about I put you in 
one? I wonder how long it would take for you to loose your 
mind?" I pause for effect. "Again."
> 
> 
> 
> If I'd thought she was afraid before, I now know what real fear 
tastes like. I take it all in -- the rapid heart beat the quickened 
breath -- she's gasping for air like a marathon runner on the 26th 
mile. It's all-glorious! I start the spell as she slides down the 
door to huddle on the floor. 
> 
> 
> 
> Choking sobs behind me catch my attention and I whirl, 
bringing my hands up to blast anyone sneaking up on me.. 
When all I see is my best friend curling into a ball and rubbing 
her eyes like a petulant child that has cried herself to sleep. 
> 
> 
> 
> A flash of purple on her hand sparks a memory..
> 
> 
> 
> Tiny stitches, close the wound, pull the thread, tie the knot, 
move on to the next one.
> 
> 
> 
> I realize, for the second time in two hours, that the power has 
taken hold of me. I stand there in shock, and I start to feel so 
cold that my teeth begin to chatter.
> 
> 
> 
> "Fight Willow, fight it." I can hear Buffy's voice in my head. 
"You're my big gun. I kind of love you!" All the times Buffy told me 
she loved me, or told me I was worth something, that I wasn't 
just a geek to her, it all rushes through my mind.
> 
> 
> 
> But the power is old and strong, and it's so embedded within 
me that I don't want to resist it, I want it to wash away my pain, I 
want it to wash away all my mistakes. 
> 
> 
> 
> I hear a whimper at my feet and I look down in time to see Tara 
pulling herself to her feet with the help of the doorknob. 
> 
> 
> 
> 'Oh no! I couldn't have..' I think frantically.
> 
> 
> 
> "Tara baby," I plead. She won't look at me; her hands are 
trembling and she won't look at me. I reach out to touch her on 
her shoulder and she shies away.
> 
> 
> 
> "Please, Tara look at me, say something!" I beg falling to my 
knees. She's been my rock, my constant. "Please you have to 
forgive me! I can't loose you too!"
> 
> 
> 
> Tara takes a step, then two, away from me. I think she's 
leaving but she stops and turns around. Tears are running 
freely down her face, her eyes are red and bloodshot, she tries 
to take a deep breath but it catches on a sob.
> 
> 
> 
> What did I do? What could I have done to cause this? I have 
no memory from the time that I stood up, until now. I vaguely 
remember something about a mirror, only that thread is quickly 
fading. 
> 
> 
> 
> Tara looks away, running trembling fingers through mussed 
blonde hair.
> 
> 
> 
> "When my mother died," she starts, then has to pause to 
gather her wits. I know this because I know her; I see her 
straightening her back, standing up as if her mother was here, 
watching us.
> 
> 
> 
> "When my mother died," she repeats. "I promised her that 
once I moved and left Daddy and Donnie, I would never live in 
fear again."
> 
> 
> 
> Tara turns to me and her eyes are cold. I know what's coming, 
I know and I can't stop it.
> 
> 
> 
> "I love you Willow, but I'm not the one you love, and I'm not the 
one you want.. And after today I'm afraid of you." Tara's 
composure totally dissolves on the last word and she turns to 
dash out the door. Only Dawn and Xander are standing there 
as silent witnesses. 
> 
> 
> 
> "No! No, baby! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" But its too late, she 
ignores my pleas. Tara gives Dawn a hug and then she leaves. 
> 
> 
> 
> The power is building in me again. It's whispering that it will 
take all my troubles, that it can fix everything if I would just let it 
out. I would never have to know what it does, I would be happy 
and safe..
> 
> 
> 
> I feel like I've lost everything.. 
> 
> 
> 
> I don't want to resist.
> 
> 
> 
> But I do.
> 
> 
> 
> I fight it because I haven't lost everything - yet. Tara was right, 
she was right that she's not the one I want. not the one I love. 
> 
> 
> 
> And even if Buffy hates me for the rest of my life, I will hold on to 
this one truth: when I was at my darkest, twice in one day, my 
love for her saved me. 
> 
> 
> 
> With that realization the Darkness, the evil, the power - retreats 
and leaves me to my mistakes. I can never fix my best friend; I 
can only love and support her, and hope that one day she 
recovers.
> 
> 
> 
> Still the power is old and patient and it's awake now.
> 
> 
> 
> End of part three
> 
> 
> 
> TBC
> 
> 
> 
> (Thanks to Ann Marie.;-)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bright Blessings,
> 
> 
> 
> Ivy
> 
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> 
> 
> 
> Feedback matters!