End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for June 2003

["ShadowDrake" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all other interested parties.
FROM: Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report forJune 2003

:: Small furry little menace of a fruit-napper steps up to podium wearing dark sunglasses and a dark T-shirt that reads, "Anti-Sun Worshipping Association Local #1701" :: Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen it is that time once again,when I force the lot of you to gather and explain just why the Gutter Accountant felt the need to wake me out of a sound sleep in the middle of day to yell at me about expenses going through the roof and to complain about someone moving everything around on her desk and holding her stapler hostage.Now with that said lets get down to business so everyone can start fingerpointing and getting their alibis straight.

Item 1:
We have been receiving reports of random eggplant slayings near the demoniccabbage patch, while we are not sure if this is some Ancient Veggie Ritualof Ceremonial Eggplant Sacrificing or just the overzealous yams trying to force the Cult of the Cauliflower on the rest of the Vegetable World, we doknow that for once it is not the Koala's doing. Said Koala has been off studying hard for his up coming promotion to Ultimate Dark Jedi Master so hecan begin to form his Night Shadow-dwellers of the Moon Commandoes that will become the foundation for his all Furry Delinquent Mischief and Mayhem Spreading Army to counter the spread of Adult-ness in the Kingdom of Denial.

Item 2:
Regarding reports of something resembling the long thought destroyed evil that is "Strawberry Shortcake" and the "Care Bears" returning and trying to set up a colony somewhere in the Woods Outback. Such acts of 'settlement' within the borders of the Gutter and/or Woods Outback by these demons will not be tolerated. Members of the "Anti-deformation of Strawberry ShortcakeLeague" and the "Caring for Care Bears Association" have argued that we have not made a fuss about the Possessed Cabbages within our borders and by denying the colony of Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears to be built we arediscriminating against these unbearably cute beings. As Director of Public Safety, it is my duty to keep the Gutter and Woods Outback as well as allcitizens within our borders and protectorates of the Kingdom of Denial as safe and as protected as possible. I also deny and resent the accusation that I, or any member of the Senior Executive Committee of List Gutter Affairs, is discriminating against anyone or any being. The fact is the DemonicCabbage Patch was right there it is when we moved in, its been there for about 5 million years or so... besides it is the Cabbages that have been raising the most hell about NOT letting the Care Bear and Strawberry Shortcakedemons in! 

Item 3:
Regarding the recent 'mishap' at an LA mall involving the Seer and Dark Slayer, according to the report apparently the Dark Chosen One and the Seer was arguing near centre court and Cordy told her to quote "Bite me".... so she did... repeatedly... and that led to making out... and then on to things no child should see... luckily the police cleared the mall until they was done and then started looking for their Woods Outback escort... the guardianpapers lists our beloved Scooter Tramp of a Were-badger Alex as the personto contact in case of trouble. At the moment, Alex Badger was not available for comment but was last seen with a big wicked grin on his face and a camcorder. If someone should see him, please tell him that there are ordersfor mass copies to be made of the tape and yes, he still has to make the 4% donation of all revenue on taped and/or recorded frisky and naughtiness to the Gutter and Woods Outback Centre to Save Mischief and Mayhem.

Item 4:
It has been reported that a certain unnamed furry little purring menace hasbeen seen making a cameo in a Hand of Chaos fic... when asked the small beast in question replied. "What? I was doing it for a friend... and besides that pocket was nice and warm and there was fruit involved! I'm a fruit bat... of course I'll be making the cameo!" The little beast was furtheredoverheard muttering something about silly humans and being mad about not being small enough to fit into pockets.

Item 5:
The Dan One... moderator on the BuffywantsWillow and BuffylovesWillow listswas taken into protective custody by Gutter and Woods Outback Security andlocked in Gutter North Tower until further notice. He will be held until the Mischief and the Mayhem can once again run amok on the lists without fear of the 'censor gnomes' stepping into to make everyone's fun... not fun. Dan was picked via special 'pool ball lotto' in which he will remain locked up in the North Tower and have to listen to the Spuffy {Spike/Buffy shippers} pitch their reasons their ship is the best and should be allowed to post on the BWW and BLW lists. Dan has to be locked up to prevent him from ordering a wet noodle nuke strike... it is strictly for his protection and we're not letting him out until we're sure he's not been converted into a Spuffy shipper after having to hear all those whacked out plot ideas and reasons. If Dan can manage to retain his sanity he will be awarded the Golden Stake and get to act as the Chosen Two's practice dummy for a half hour... any longer and he could get hurt you know.

Item 6:
Hamtaro - that ugly little rat that is suppose to be a hamster I'm told... its scaring the demonic cabbages and our resident swamp dwelling alligator who is demanding the right to death roll the rat. Apparently said rat...er, hamster scared the Golden Slayer's little sister forcing her official cuddle-gator to cuddle with her for well over and hour before moving onto kissage. Exactly how that is a bad thing we're not sure, but the Gator in question is ticked off over the evil little rodent and wants to chomp it after suitably death rolling it.  

That is all we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics. :: Little beast turns back to report of 27 stolen water purifiers and a train loadof spiked jungle juice disappearing in the middle of Ohio.

ShadowDrake -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

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