Re: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for June 2003

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: Director of Public Safety; all Department Heads; and all other
interested parties.
FROM: United Vegetable Empire
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
June 2003

>Item 1:
>We have been receiving reports of random eggplant slayings near the demonic
cabbage patch, while we are not sure if this is some Ancient Veggie Ritual
of Ceremonial Eggplant Sacrificing or just the overzealous yams trying to
force the Cult of the Cauliflower on the rest of the Vegetable World, we do
know that for once it is not the Koala's doing. Said Koala has been off
studying hard for his up coming promotion to Ultimate Dark Jedi Master so he
can begin to form his Night Shadow-dwellers of the Moon Commandoes that will
become the foundation for his all Furry Delinquent Mischief and Mayhem
Spreading Army to counter the spread of Adult-ness in the Kingdom of Denial.

Ah, well... actually... we just don't like eggplants much. It's the purple.
Reminds us of Barney.


>Item 2:
>Regarding reports of something resembling the long thought destroyed evil
that is "Strawberry Shortcake" and the "Care Bears" returning and trying to
set up a colony somewhere in the Woods Outback. Such acts of 'settlement'
within the borders of the Gutter and/or Woods Outback by these demons will
not be tolerated. Members of the "Anti-deformation of Strawberry Shortcake
League" and the "Caring for Care Bears Association" have argued that we have
not made a fuss about the Possessed Cabbages within our borders and by
denying the colony of Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears to be built we are
discriminating against these unbearably cute beings. As Director of Public
Safety, it is my duty to keep the Gutter and Woods Outback as well as all
citizens within our borders and protectorates of the Kingdom of Denial as
safe and as protected as possible. I also deny and resent the accusation
that I, or any member of the Senior Executive Committee of List Gutter
Affairs, is discriminating against anyone or any being. The fact is the
Demonic Cabbage Patch was right there it is when we moved in, its been there
for about 5 million years or so... besides it is the Cabbages that have been
raising the most hell about NOT letting the Care Bear and Strawberry
Shortcake demons in!

Demonic cabbages are very territorial. They will not tolerate other
cuteness demons anywhere near their domain. If the Care Bear and Strawberry
Shortcake deomns are allowed to settle anywhere near the Gutter or the Woods
Outback, there will be mass mayhem. Of course that is not neccessarily a
bad thing.


>Item 3:
>Regarding the recent 'mishap' at an LA mall involving the Seer and Dark
Slayer, according to the report apparently the Dark Chosen One and the Seer
was arguing near centre court and Cordy told her to quote "Bite me".... so
she did... repeatedly... and that led to making out... and then on to things
no child should see... luckily the police cleared the mall until they was
done and then started looking for their Woods Outback escort... the guardian
papers lists our beloved Scooter Tramp of a Were-badger Alex as the person
to contact in case of trouble. At the moment, Alex Badger was not available
for comment but was last seen with a big wicked grin on his face and a
camcorder. If someone should see him, please tell him that there are orders
for mass copies to be made of the tape and yes, he still has to make the 4%
donation of all revenue on taped and/or recorded frisky and naughtiness to
the Gutter and Woods Outback Centre to Save Mischief and Mayhem.

The United Vegetable Empire would like to order 200 copies of this video.


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)
Head: United Vegetable Empire