FIC: Cowardice

["xenarip13" <xenarip13@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Cowardice
Author: Bynx
Email: xenarip13@xxxxxxxxx
Pairing: B/W of course
Rating: r to nc-17
Summary: Episode change up from a re run that I saw today.
Disclaimer:  I don't own Buffy.  I owe her creation to the great 
genius of Joss Whedon.  Don't sue please I am poor.
Note:   I simply sat and wrote this in two hours.  I don't know if it 
is good or not and I am not satisfied with the ending, but this is 
what came out.  I have been away from any type of writing for 10 
months after joining the Air Force so please be kind when reading.  I 
am just now trying to get my creative juices flowing again.  I don't 
normally write too much B/W but I tried this one.  I hope it is at 
least mildly entertaining.  Thanks.




Cowardice


There she stands watching Oz play with his band.  Here I stand 
watching her smile at him and all I want to do is run away again.  I 
wanted a Scooby night.  I wanted it to be just the gang here and I 
could try to fit myself back in after leaving them the way that I 
did.  Who am I kidding, definitely not myself.  I wanted it to be 
just `us'.  I wanted time with just Willow and I knew that I couldn't 
have that so I was compromising with the gang.  I wanted time with 
her.  I need to talk to her and she is avoiding me.  I know she is.

"Hey, this is large."  I walk up to her to try to get her to talk to 
me.  I need her to talk to me.  I can't take it with her just paying 
attention to Oz.  I know he is her boyfriend, but I want it&it 
doesn't matter.

"Oh, you like?"  she smiles that smile at me and I can see the 
difference in it.  I want it to be the smile she smiled at me before 
I left.  I wish I could tell her that I came home for her.  I wish I 
could tell her that I left for her and my guilt over Angel, but I can 
never do that.

"Yeah, its great."  I lie, "but I was sort of hoping that it would be 
just us&the `gang'."  I finally say somewhat truthfully.

"What?"  she asks not having paid enough attention to hear me.

"It's great&.really nice."  I won't ruin this if this is what she 
needs to be around me.

She goes back to watching The Dingos play and I am once again left 
out of the warmth of her world.  I wander through my own house as a 
stranger.  I don't know these people and my brief run in with Xander 
and Cordelia proves that I have a lot of people who must be here to 
be a buffer between me and my `friends'.  I know I am being a spoiled 
child and that I left them in the lurch but I didn't know how to 
deal.  How could I have told them everything?  How could I tell her 
everything?  How could I do that?  I hear my mom and her friend.  
Wait, I just heard my name.

"I don't know&I thought when Buffy came home that everything would be 
better, but its not."  Mom tells her friend, "I hate to say this, but 
it was almost easier when she wasn't here."

Not my mom, too.  I shouldn't have come back.  I am just making them 
all miserable. I need to get out of here.  They were doing fine 
without me, hell, maybe they were doing better.  I can't keep hurting 
them.  I can see her standing there as I run up the stairs.  She told 
me earlier that this party was for me.  She told me she wasn't 
avoiding me and that this was their way of showing me how happy they 
are that I am back, but none of them really are.  She isn't and I 
can't hurt her anymore than I already have.  I'll just load the same 
bag that I used the first time.  They won't know I'm gone for awhile 
and then they can all forget I ever came back.

"You're leaving again?"  Willow.  Shit!

"It's&I'm &"  What the hell do I say?!

"Have a great time and don't forget to not write."  I did it again.  
I'm hurting her.

"I'm sorry."  I stammer out. Brilliant.

"NO!"  she raises her voice.  I have to explain.

"You don't understand what I was going through."  I begin.  She isn't 
buying it.

"I want to." She answers a little more calmly.

"I can't tell&"  I mumble.

"I know you were going through stuff and that you still are, but so 
was&am I&"  My turn to interrupt.

"I know you're worried about me&"  the look on her face tells me I 
went to the wrong place.

"It's not about that!  I was having serious problems while you 
were&."  She takes a deep breath, "I'm practicing witchcraft&and I am 
having serious dating with a werewolf and you weren't her to help me 
deal&"  she turns from me.

"I'm sorry&.I'm so sorry&" I blurt out without knowing what else to 
say, "I wanted to be here & I couldn't&."

"You couldn't&Buffy, I don't know what you were dealing with about 
Angel&I just know it hurt you deeply, but you wouldn't let me help 
you.  I wanted to help you." She tries to walk up to me and I have to 
move away.  I can't let her touch me, comfort me&I don't deserve it.

"I couldn't let you help me Willow&You don't know&"  there's mom in 
the hallway.

"What&is this some kind of joke?!"  I can't do this right now.

"She was running away again."  Thanks Willow.  

"Do you think that you can just walk in and out of this house 
whenever you feel like it?!"  Yes, I do.  Who is going to stop me?  I 
don't want to leave, but it would be better for all of you.

"It's not like that&.I&I'm not sure."  I stutter out.

"Well, you better get sure!"  I didn't mean it mom.  I have to get 
out of here.

I am running again and this time from all of them not myself.  I 
can't do this right now.  I will only say things that I can't right 
now.  I will end up making everything so much worse.  I can here 
them, Mom and Willow, coming down the stairs after me.  I have to get 
out without causing them more pain.  They can get over this if I just 
get out of here.  There are too many people in the way of the front 
door.  I can cut through the living room and dash out the kitchen.

"Don't you dare walk out of this house, young lady!"  as it has in 
the past it stops me and I turn.

I can hear them all.  I hear Xander defending my mother and he's 
right.  I don't know what I put her through, but I don't want to put 
them through it now. I just want to leave and leave them some peace.  
I can hear myself offering a defense for my actions and I know that 
no matter what I was dealing with leaving them without a word was 
wrong.  I hear her voice.  It cuts through everything else like the 
sharpest scalpel.  I feel my head whip around and she is suddenly in 
my line of vision.  I can see the pain in her eyes and I know I put 
it there&again.  I feel the tears sting my eyes.

"Please Willow, I can't take this from you, too"  I plead un aware 
that it was going to come out of my mouth.

"NO!  Let her finish," Xander screams at me.  "You owe her at least 
that!"  He's right, but its not what comes out of my mouth and there 
we are screaming at one another again.  All of us are in the fray 
except Willow.  Oz is trying to stop us, but she is what stops me.  
It is her angry voice that halts me and before I can say anything the 
window is crashing through. 

Zombies&not vampires.  We are all running and I have very little idea 
if what I should be doing.  I have no idea why these things are even 
here.  Where is Giles when I need him?  Where was I when they needed 
me?  I can't think about that right now.  What the hell is mom's 
friend doing with that mask?  Holy SHIT!  She's got some kind of 
power with her eyes.  I can't move and here I am landing on the 
floor.  That's going to hurt tomorrow.  Willow don't look at her eyes&
no&

"WILLOW&DON"T LOOK AT HER EYES!"  too late.  She has her in her 
hands.  She is going to kill her.  NOOOOO!  I can't lose my Willow.  
I can't let her take her from me.

The eyes.  It's in the eyes.  I have to go for the eyes.  Don't look&
Shit!  I can move.  Oz distracted her but she's paralyzed him.  I can 
move.  The eyes&here we go.  YES!

Willow, I have to check on Willow.  Where is she?!  There she is with 
mom.  I need to hug&ooof&mom.  I feel Willow walk past me toward Oz, 
which I know is where she should be, but it isn't where I want her to 
be.  

"Nice moves."  Xander's way of apology.

"Thanks, you, too."  I smile at him.  It's Xander and I love him.

I turn to Willow with Oz standing right behind her looking at me.  
What should I do?  I'll let her decide.  I am the one who is the 
outsider at the moment.  She is walking toward me.  Willow's arms are 
sliding around me.  She feels so right in my arms&so warm.  I don't 
want to let go.  I look over her shoulder and see Oz looking at us.  
What is that look he is giving me?  I see it.  It is a look of 
understanding.  I reluctantly let go of Willow, but she squeezes one 
last time before letting go of me.  I watch as they leave after 
helping mom and I clean up some of the bigger part of the mess.

"Buffy?"  damn.  Mom catches me walking out the front door.

"It's not what it looks like, mom.  I swear."  I'm not leaving just 
going for a walk.

"Here,"  she smiles sadly, "I just wanted to give you a jacket.  It 
might get chilly.  Summer is almost over."  She trusts me.

"Thank you."  I hug her to me tightly, "I love you, mom."

"I know."  She turns to walk back up the steps, "Be careful."

"I will."  

The park is silent.  I was sort of hoping for something to kill.  All 
this pent up energy just isn't going to go away by swinging.  How 
could I think of leaving them again?  How could I ever think that I 
could leave her again?  I know I couldn't.  I left to get away from 
being the slayer or that is at least what they all thought.  Hell, I 
even tried to convince myself that is why I left.  I know better.  I 
left to get away from her&.my Willow.  I am so guilty.  How did you 
deal with this guilt Angel?  What right do I have to ask you?  I 
killed you.  I did worse to you though.  I took your love and turned 
you into the demon that you used to be but fought so hard to beat.  
I'm sorry I didn't love you enough.  I hope that you forgive me.  How 
could you though after I used you and executed you.  I'm sorry.  I 
truly am.  I should never have lied to you and told you I loved you 
when I loved another so much more.  You knew I loved her.  I know you 
did and still you stayed and chose your own doom.  My love hurts 
everyone who mean something to me.  If I could have told her the 
truth, but how?  How was I supposed to tell her that I was guilty of 
stabbing you through the heart long before I actually did it?  How 
could I tell her that I longed for her love instead of yours?  How do 
you tell your best friend that you are in love with her enough to 
make love with a centuries old vampire because you can't have her?  
How do I tell her I gave you the part of me that I wanted her to 
have?  

"How do I tell her all of these things?"  I hear my own voice cry out 
to the night sky.

"Tell&tell who what?"  WILLOW! 

I see her there as I turn around still in her party outfit.  How did 
she sneak up on me without me knowing it?  `Because you trust her'  I 
answer my own question.  She stares out me confused as she stands in 
front of me.

"Umm&nothing&just thinking out loud."  I mutter.

"Buffy, not this time.  I forgive you for leaving.  I forgive you for 
not talking to me before you left.  I do.  I forgive you, but you 
can't do it again."  She is starting to put on her resolve face, "I 
can't go through you not talking to me again.  I need you here not 
somewhere else all the time."  I can see the pain in her eyes.

"I can't tell her&." I whisper.

"Who&your mom?"  she fishes.

I just shake my head.  I can't talk to her.  I can't open my mouth, 
because I don't know what will come out.  I just stand there silent 
and I see the hurt turn to anger as she begins pacing.

"Damn it, Buffy!"  did Willow just cuss at me?  "You can't do this to 
me again!  I won't let you.  Tell me what is going on!  You pick up 
and leave after Angel.  You come back and expect everything to be 
fine.  You expect us to just be grateful that you came back at all it 
seems.  You don't know how grateful I really am, but I am also so 
pissed off!"  she whips around to look at me, "I was so worried about 
you.  I was scared you would get killed and we would never know.  I 
would never know!  How could you do that to me!?  You are supposed to 
be my best friend!  I was so frightened that you would never come 
back.  I got over being worried, but then I got angry. I hated you 
for leaving me when I needed you!  I&"

"Willow, please&"  I whisper and she stops short just looking at 
me, "I&couldn't&I can't&I want to talk to you, but I will only hurt 
you again and I never want to do that."  I turn away from her.  I 
can't look in those eyes.

"You're&"  she starts, "You're h-hurting me now&"  I barely hear 
her.  God no&I can't cause her this pain.  If she wants to hate me 
then let her I can't be the cause of her pain.

"I'm s-&"  

"You're sorry.  I've heard it!"  She waves me off.

"Willow&.I&never meant to hurt you&" I blurt out and it stops her 
from moving away,  "I can't stand the thought of hurting you ever.  I 
would rather die than cause you pain."  My voice breaks a little, "I 
left to&" I turn not being able to stand looking at her, "I left to 
stop me from hurting you worse than just leaving.  I was leaving 
again tonight to stop from hurting you more by staying.  I heard you 
all talking in your own ways about how much harder it was now that I 
was back&even my mom."

"Buffy, I never said such a thing."  She gets defensive.

"No, Willow& you never did.  I was so happy that you never did, but 
you wouldn't talk to me and I knew that I had done more damage to us 
than I ever thought I could.  I don't know how you can forgive me and 
you shouldn't.  I&I am so guilty.  The person I can never tell is&is 
you.  I guilty of some things that are so horrible that I never 
deserve to be forgiven."  I feel the tears streaming down my face.  

"Please, Buffy let me help you."  She pleads.

I feel her touch my shoulder and I shrug her off, "Please don't.  I 
can't finish and I have to finish."  She sighs but moves away, "I 
have to tell you why I left and then you may want me to leave again.  
No one knew what I was going through&no, that isn't true Angel always 
knew what I was going through even when Angelus took over.  You see, 
he always knew that I wasn't truly devoted to him.  He knew that and 
it is part of my guilt.  I destroyed Angel long before I killed him.  
I could have stopped him from becoming Angelus if I had just told the 
truth.  It would have hurt me to do so, but it would have saved so 
much pain.  I loved Angel don't get me wrong.  How could I not love 
him?  He was dark, broody, gorgeous, and a caring man, but I wasn't 
in love with him.  He knew that and he loved me anyway and accepted 
it.  I know you and everyone thought he was my life, but he was my 
cover."  I look at her briefly and see the shock on her face, "I let 
him&I gave him what he wanted from me and he loved me despite knowing 
he could never have all of me.  When we&when&this is so hard&I gave 
him something that I wanted desperately to give to another.  I dove 
into his love and his arms to forget that the one person I was truly 
in love with had another.  He offered me a way to forget in his bed 
and I gave in to push away the thought of my love with another.  It 
was that one selfish act that brought Angelus back.  I am guilty of 
not loving him enough to say no.  I am the one who killed Angel for 
my own selfish purpose.   Then, I found out that Angelus knew my 
secrets the same as Angel had and he knew how to use them.  I vowed I 
would kill him for trying to hurt the one I loved more than anything 
else, more than anyone.  I some how thought that this would at least 
be peace for Angel since I couldn't take back what I had done to 
him."  I choke back a sob and I see the tears forming in her eyes 
with the questions, "I killed him.  We know that and became even 
guiltier.  I changed him and then I killed him and I was happy for 
doing it.  I was happy that he could never hurt y..my love again.  I 
had to leave.  I had no choice.  I couldn't deal with it.  I couldn't 
deal with the guilt of destroying such a loving man, the guilt of 
loving someone who I killed for, watching my love give what I wanted 
to someone else, and the shame of giving myself away meaninglessly.  
I left so I wouldn't cause anyone anymore pain."

"Oh Buffy, you loved Angel I know you did."  

"Yes, I did, but not the way he deserved.  Wills, I loved someone 
more than I would ever have loved him.  I killed him for this 
person.  I killed Angelus to protect them&I lied to you to everyone&
to Angel to save myself pain."

"Buffy, who did you love more than Angel?  How could I not know that 
you loved someone more than Angel?  I'm you're best friend.  I would 
have known."  She tries to comfort me again with any path away from 
my guilt, but I know that I am guilty.  She can't change that.  I 
can't change that and now I have to tell her the truth and lose her 
in all ways in my life.

"You didn't know, because I couldn't let you know.  I couldn't let 
you know I loved someone more than Angel.  I wouldn't cause you&no&I 
wouldn't cost myself my best-friend by letting the truth be known."

"I would still be your friend no matter what Buffy.  It wouldn't have 
changed anything for you loving someone&.wait&Xander, you were in 
love with Xander and afraid that I would be angry at you&.Oh Buffy,"  

"NO!!.."  I laugh maniacally.  I can't believe this sound is coming 
out of me. "Not Xander&.I never wanted Xander&I wouldn't kill for 
Xander&"  I have started crying and I can't make myself stop.

"Buffy, tell me&let me help you&"  she pleads with me.  I wish you 
could help me, Willow.

"You can't&.You won't want to after&.OH God Willow,"  I fall to the 
ground.  It is chilling me through my jeans.  Mom was right it has 
gotten a little chilly tonight.  I cant breathe.  

"B-buffy, please&"  I feel her arms trying to encircle me and I move 
away as fast as I can.  I don't deserve her touch.

"How can you want to touch me?!  How can you want to offer me 
comfort?!  After all I've confessed how can you not run away from 
me?!" I scream at her. "I don't deserve your friendship&"

"Buffy, we want to help you.  I want to help you&I care about you&"  
she reaches out to me with her hand begging with her eyes.

"Willow&.I&I couldn't tell you that I&.How could I tell my best 
friend that she&. I can't even tell you now&but I have to no matter 
what it costs me.  I deserve to lose everything&."

"No one deserves that Buffy&no one deserves to suffer simply for 
loving someone&"  she says to me quietly, calmly.

"I do&just promise me you'll be happy no matter what& I don't want 
you to feel responsible for me after&.I don't want you to feel bad 
when you hate me&."  She starts to interrupt and I put my hand to her 
mouth lightly, "I am going to tell you my deepest, darkest regret and 
then if you must leave me or want me to leave&I'll do whatever you 
want, but please just listen.  Willow, I met you my first day of 
school and you were amazing even then.  You took me in and have ever 
since been my rock.  All I ever had to do was ask and there you 
were.  The moment you found out who or what I was you never backed 
away, but joined in my destiny.  You have watched me make mistakes 
and have backed me every step of the way.  You were there when I 
killed the master&there when I needed stitches, a shoulder, or just 
something chocolatey.  You have always been there and I ran out on 
you without a word and here you still are now.  You are the most 
amazingly beautiful person I have ever met or seen.  You love 
unconditionally and accept the worst of me with my best.  I know 
there is more worst than best.  I would die for you, Willow, but I 
was too much of a coward to tell you who I loved."

"W-would y-ou&."  She swallows hard interrupting me, "w-would y-you k-
kill for me&"  she knows or at least part of her does.

"I&"  I choke on the words, "yes&"   I whisper.  It is all that I can 
manage to get out.

Willow's face goes into shock as she jumps up and away from me.  I 
knew this is what would happen.  She hates me, but I have to 
apologize before I say goodbye.  I'm sorry mom, but I can't stay if 
she wants me gone.

"I'm sorry Willow.  I never meant to hurt you.  I didn't mean to fall 
in love with you.  I tried to fight it.  I tried to tell myself it 
was just a best-friend crush&.I tried&.to forget it in Angel's 
arms&.you found Oz and you were happy&.I&.I tried to let it go, but I 
couldn't stop loving you.  It was my fault that Angelus came after 
you&my fault that he killed your fish and you would have been next so 
I killed him, but I shattered him long before then&..I had to leave.  
I couldn't stand to be here with my guilt, my shame, and my 
jealousy.  I was jealous that Oz had what I wanted, needed&.loved."  
I sob out loud.  I have to make her at least see if not 
understand, "I loved you too much to stay, I loved you too much not 
to come back and be sure you were safe, and I still love you more 
than I will ever love another.  You are my reason for slaying, my 
reason for my destiny, and my reason for coming home.  If you were 
not here slaying wouldn't matter, because you are my world.  I'm 
sorry for hurting you&sorry that I couldn't confide in you&sorry that 
you hate me now, but never sorry for loving you&never sorry for 
falling in love with you."  I feel myself collapse to the ground my 
face in my hands against the cold earth.  I am waiting for her to 
tell me she hates me, demand that I leave, say I am disgusting, but 
nothing comes.  The only sound is my sobs.  Then, I hear it, the 
heavy breathing of crying.  I have made her cry.  NO&I can't do 
anything right.  I have to get out of here.

"Damn you!!!!!"   she cries out at me, "Don't you dare fucking walk 
away from me!!!!"  Willow just said `fuck'.  I broke her.  

She is running up to me.  I see the tears on her cheeks as she begins 
to beat on me with her fists.  It shouldn't hurt, but it does.  It 
hurts that she wants to hurt me.  I let her pummel me.  I do deserve 
this.  OUCH!  She just kicked me in the shin.  Her punches are coming 
less frequent and they are lighter.  She is wearing herself out.  I 
wish she could truly hurt me.  I wish for her she could hurt me the 
way that she wants to.  She is practically laying against me in her 
exhaustion.  I want to wrap my arms around her, but I don't dare.  I 
hear her sobs, feel her body wracked with pain, and I want to die.

"How could you&how dare you" she weeps out, "I can't believe you did 
this to me!  How dare you not give me the choice!!!  You are a damn 
idiot.  You left without giving me the option of&.of loving you 
back&"  she wraps her arms around me trying to hold herself upright 
against the fatigue setting in after thrashing me.  I still can't 
hold her.  I have no right, "You never asked me what I want!  You 
never trusted me enough to tell me you loved me for anything other 
than a friend&how could you not trust me?"

"I trusted you&I was afraid&.I didn't trust myself."  I offer.

"You should have trusted me more&.we could have avoided all of this&I 
could never hate you, Buffy&.I don't hate you, Buffy&.I am so angry 
at you&all this time&so much hurt for cowardice&.I won't be a coward 
anymore!"

I feel her nails dig into my back as she raises her eyes to mine.  I 
can't read the emotions in them.  Her eyes are wild like a storm as 
she stares into mine.  What is she doing?  She is pushing me 
backwards.  I'm stumbling as she doesn't let go of me, but digs her 
nails deeper into my back to keep our balance.  Her eyes haven't left 
mine and they look feral.  I have impacted with brick wall of the 
public restroom and suddenly Willow is leaning into my face.  She's 
kissing me.  Willow is kissing me and I'm kissing her back.  Her 
tongue is seeking entrance into my mouth.  I want it.  She tastes so 
sweet.  Why is this happening?  I feel her hands move from my back to 
my hair.  They tangle in it as she masters our kiss.  I won't deny 
her anything she wants.  How can I?  She rips her mouth off of mine 
and I'm panting.  She stares into my eyes as one hand leaves my hair 
to pull me into her.  I can feel her heart beating as fast as mine.  
She leans into my neck and bites hard at my jaw line sending shock 
waves through me.  I sense her body writhing into me seeking contact.

"Willow&."  I hear my voice but it sounds like a moan.

"You denied me&." She rasps out next to my ear before biting me 
again, "You gave yourself away without ever asking me&without telling 
me&without giving me a choice!"  she almost yells into my ear.  

I gasp as her free hand is now at my waist pulling at my jeans.  She 
can't be doing this.  I must be dreaming.  My God&her hand is in my 
pants searching until it slides into the top of my panties.  My hips 
buck trying to gain more contact.  I hear myself panting and then the 
intake of breath as her fingers find my wet center.  Her fingers move 
against me as I cry out.

"Yes, Willow&."

"It should have been my choice not yours&." She growls into my 
ear, "So, hot&"  

"Gods, Willow&.ohhhh&."   I want her inside of me.  

As if reading my thoughts and my movements, her fingers suddenly sink 
into my core.  She is filling me over and over again as we move 
together.  My arms have finally found their way around her holding 
her to me as if my life depends on it.  I hear her breathing in my 
ear as she drives up and into me.  I feel her light kisses and bites 
on my throat and upper chest where my shirt is open.  I can feel my 
climax coming.  I am so close.  I can't believe this is happening.  I 
pull at her shirttail in the back of her jeans trying to get to her 
skin.  I want to touch her.  There bare skin&I run my hands over her 
back as she pumps into me again and again.  My hips are moving to her 
rhythm.  I hear her moan as I move to kissing her neck and ears.  I 
can't take it.  I need release.

"Please&Willow&.harder&"  I hear myself implore.

I hear her growl again.  Willow speeds her pace slamming into me 
deeper than before and her palm is brushing my clit.  I'm going to 
explode and I do as I drag my nails up her back at the pinnacle of 
orgasm.  I know I must have drawn blood as I can barely hear her hiss 
deeply over my scream.

"Willow!!!!!!!"  I collapse back to the wall out of breath with her 
leaning into me her face buried in my shoulder.  I feel her sobbing.

"Oh God, Willow&.don't cry&it didn't&"  I can't move away she is 
inside me, holding me and so I put my arms around her and let her 
cry.  I did this.

"Ssshhhh."  She coos into my neck, "I'm sorry&.B-buffy, please don't 
b-be mad at m-me&I just& I have wanted you for so long&"  she pulls 
in a choked breath, "I love you, Buffy.  I should have said that 
first.  I have almost always loved you.  You should have told me&.so 
much pain that didn't have to be&.I love you, Elizabeth Anne 
Summers&.do you hear me&I love you."  She sobs.

She loves me&My Willow loves me&.she loves me.  I tighten my grip on 
her and kiss her hair, her cheek, her shoulder&my Willow loves me.

"I didn't know&I was afraid&I love you, Wills.   I love you more than 
I can ever tell you or make you understand and you can do this to me 
anytime."

She looks up at me suddenly and I see the blush creep up her face.  
Shame flashes in her eyes.  I don't want her to be ashamed for loving 
me.  She is trying to free herself from me, but I grab the arm 
attached to the hand inside me stopping her.  I pull her back to me 
with my other arm at her back.  She won't meet my eyes.  I kiss her 
cheek.

"Willow, please look at me,"  she shyly turns her face to mine, "Do 
you feel me?  You are a part of me.  I want you here,"  I pat her 
hand inside my jeans, "I want you inside me&you have always been 
there in my heart.  Please don't be ashamed of loving me&"

"I'm not&.Buffy, don't think that I'm not ashamed of loving you&I'm 
just&em-embarrassed that's all&I have never&.n-never&"  she blushes 
deeper.

"I know, but you have now&."  I kiss her lips lovingly.  Slowly, she 
pulls from within me and wraps her arms around me, "How can you love 
me, Willow after all of this how can you still love me?"

"It is because of this that I can love you Buffy.  If you didn't make 
mistakes you wouldn't be human.  I don't love the slayer, Buffy&I 
love you and you make mistakes.  I make mistakes&will you still love 
me?"

"Always."  I mean it.  I will always love her, "Willow, I&I want&I 
push her back a little so I can look at her.

"What Buffy what do you want?"  she asks openly.

"You."  I whisper before pulling her into me for a long kiss.  When 
we break for air she holds me close.

"I want that, too."  She stutters out.

I watch now as she sleeps in my arms.  She is everything that I could 
have ever wanted.  She is mine.  I can't believe that she is mine.  
I'm never letting her go again.  She was so engaging in my arms as we 
made love.  Every inch of her is beautiful, every gasp and moan I 
will treasure forever.  How could I have been such a coward and waste 
all this time.  I am still guilty, but maybe with her help I can 
atone for my sins.  I'm sorry Angel&please be happy for me.  I feel 
her place a light kiss against my breast in her sleep.

"I love you, Willow.  You are my salvation."  I murmur to her.

"Love you, Buffy&always." 

FIN




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Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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