Fic: All of me

[jend1205@xxxxxxxxx]

Author Jen D
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Believe me I have three boys, I own 
nothing. The song is Evanescence, My Immortal and I don't own it 
either.
Spoilers: Nothing specific.


   From my spot on the couch, I watched as my best friend come down 
the stairs and set her suitcase by the door.

"Buffy&"

"No don't, please," I choked out, knowing if we talked I
would breakdown and beg for her to stay. I would confess it all, my 
feelings, my love that I had worked so hard to keep to myself. Music 
from Dawn's room, where she had hidden since learning of Willow 
departure floated and filled the silence that was threatening to 
unravel my last bit of resolve and quite possibly my sanity.

             I'm so tired of being here suppressed by all my 
             childish fears

    Wasn't that it too, just childish fears that was keeping me
from my confession? What was holding me here on this couch, as the 
one person in the entire world that I could truly say I loved with 
all of my heart got ready to walk out of my life?  Possibly forever, 
because I have no doubt that was a possibility by the way she looked 
around the room, like she was trying to memorize everything.          

"Buffy, you know I have to go," she told me. She was chewing
on her bottom lip in a way that told me she was trying hard to keep 
the tears at bay. Oh how I wanted to go to her, to hold her and make 
all the pain I could so easily see on her face, go away. 

                 and if you have to leave
                I wish that you would just leave  
                'cause your presence still lingers here and it 
                  won't leave me alone

"I know, Will." What else could I say? My little voice that
was my heart was begging me to fall to my knees and beg here to stay 
but I couldn't. Or was it that I wouldn't? Either way I was
going
to let her walk out that door, leaving me with nothing but my 
memories of her presence to get me through my days and dreams of her 
holding me, loving me to get me through the night.






    It was so hard for me to believe that I was really leaving them. 
As I made my way down the steps of our house in Cleveland, had it 
only really been a year since we had so excitedly burst through the 
front door of our new home? The same front door that loamed in front 
of me now, only this time I was leaving and wasn't sure when or
if I was ever coming back. I couldn't hide it anymore, I
couldn't hide from the love that I had for the blonde that was 
sitting on the couch. "Buffy&" I started. I wanted her to
understand. 
No she had to understand why I had to go. 

"No don't, please." 

I didn't. I watched the pain run across her beautiful face and I 
hated myself for putting it there. I looked around the living room, I 
wanted to be able to close my eyes and see it. I knew that my life 
was going to be filled with nights of dreaming of seeing her sitting 
in this room and I wanted to remember every little detail. 
"Buffy, you know I have to go," I told her, trying to keep
the tears from falling.
                                                                     
               These wounds won't seem to heal
               this pain is just too real                           

               there's just too much that time 
               cannot erase

I couldn't stay here. It hurt too much to be so close to her and
not be able to tell her. I wanted to tell her, I actually started to 
so many times but I was scared. My breakup with Kennedy was still too 
fresh and painful to risk putting my heart on the line again but fear 
was causing me to lose my best friend. 

                when you cry I'd wipe away all of your tears
                when you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
                and I'd held your hand through all of these years
                but you still have all of me

How many tears had we shed together, Buffy and I? We held each 
other's hands through so much pain, loss, and heartbreaks. Angel,
Oz, Riley, Tara, Spike, Kennedy. We had loved and we had lost, all 
together. She had me; she would always have all of me.

"Will you ever be back?" Buffy asked me.

I couldn't lie to her; she would see right through me, "I
don't know. Maybe someday, it hurts to much to stay here right
now." I picked up my bag and took one last look at the 
room. "Goodbye, Buffy."

"Will, I&" she started finally letting the tears spill over.

"I know. I love you too, Buff. I always will but I need to move
on with my life," I said and walked out. I knew I couldn't
look back or I would have thrown myself at her feet and begged her to 
love me.







                 You used to captivate me by your resonating light 
                 now I'm bound by the life you    

                 left behind  
                 your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams, your 
                 voice it chased away all of the sanity in me 

  I dreamed about you last night again, Willow. Will they ever stop, 
even after all this time, my love for you still haunts me in my 
dreams. I can do things in my dreams that I was always too scared to 
do in real life. Sometimes I can hear your voice and I think maybe 
I'm going crazy. I miss you so much.






                  These wounds won't seem to heal
                  this pain is just too real
                  there's just too much that time cannot erase

   I put the rest of my clothes in the suitcase, saving your picture 
for last. I traced my finger over the smooth glass, wiping away the 
tears that I couldn't keep from falling. I thought time would
make it easier but no matter how far I tried to run from you, Buffy; 
my love for you was still there. 

                  when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
                  when you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
                  and I'd held your hand through all of these years
                  but you still have all of me






  Oh how I wish you were here right now, Willow. I flopped down on 
the couch and ran my hand through my hair. Our baby went off to 
college today, the house seems so empty now. I'm beginning to
curse the day I let you and Dawn talk me into this big house but I 
always pictured you and I living here forever. I'd never admit it
out loud but sometimes I even daydreamed about hearing the sounds of 
little feet running down the hallway. 

                I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone but 
                so you're still with me I've been alone all alone


But now I'm just alone, you're still with me in my heart but
I'm alone with just a little strawberry blonde running through my 
daydreams. I sigh and get up to answer the door wondering what 
emergency had brought Xander to my doorstop. "Xander, what&"
I started but it wasn't my best male friend standing on my
doorstop but my Willow. Tears welled in my eyes and spilled down my 
cheeks.

               when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears


"Buffy&" I wiped away the tear that slid down her face and
kissed her softly. "I'm scared."

              when you scream I'd fight away all of your fears

"I know, Will. Me too but we'll fight it together."

              and I'd held your hand through all of these years    

I held your hand over my heart, "I love you, Buffy." 

"Willow I've been such a fool for so long, I was just so
afraid of what I was feeling. Please forgive me," she whispered. 

               but you still have all of me...

"You have all of me, Buffy Summers, always and forever," I
told her and kissed her again, this time with all the passion that I 
had hidden all these years.

                



Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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