Fic: R,R&R Book II (2c/?) NC17 B/W/T

Chapter 2 continued some more...

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*knock knock knock*

Dawn stood nervously, shifting her feet as she waited for her mother to answer the door.

The porthole in Giles door opened to reveal her mother’s eyes looking suspiciously out.

“Dawn!” she said, startled, and then immediately unlocked and opened the door.

“Hi mom,” Dawn said with a halfhearted smile.

“Sorry about that, honey. I wasn’t expecting anyone...” Joyce said as she stood back and gestured for Dawn to enter. “Is something wrong? Where’s Xander?”

Dawn smiled, thinking ‘Even with all the weirdness in my life, I can count on mom being ‘mom’!’

“No, nothing’s wrong really. Xander dropped me off...” Dawn explained as she walked in.

“Well, have a seat. Rupert needed to go in to the shop this morning and I was just about to have some coffee...”

“Coffee’d be great,” Dawn interjected.

Joyce wandered into the kitchen, her voice light as she said, “I think he’s getting me hooked on tea, but I still prefer a cup of coffee in the morning.”

‘Well, I can guess what they did after we left last night,’ Dawn thought with some amusement at her mother’s glowing smile and bouncy step.

“Cream and sugar?” Joyce asked.

“Just a couple scoops of sugar,” Dawn answered.

A moment later Joyce came back into the living room with two cups on saucers. “I didn’t know you were a coffee drinker, Dawn,” she said as she handed over one cup and sat down facing Dawn on the couch.

Dawn smiled slightly. “Well, you know. Teenagers can’t have alcohol, so coffee makes them feel more adult than just soda and stuff...”

Joyce raised an eyebrow when Dawn spoke of teenagers in the third person, but didn’t comment on it. Instead she frowned slightly and said, “You look tired honey, are you sleeping alright?”

Dawn sighed, thinking, ‘I shouldn’t have lied about it in the first place, but she was just so freaked out...’

“Honestly, mom? Not so much. I’ve been having nightmares about that night...” Dawn admitted, knowing her mom would understand which night she was talking about.

“Oh, Dawn! How come you never said anything?” Joyce asked, sounding distressed and reaching over to touch her daughter’s arm.

“I’m sorry mom, I... I was afraid you’d freak out,” Dawn explained.

“Dawn, I...” Joyce started, her voice a mixture of apology and denial.

Dawn interrupted, “Mom, it was a seriously stressful situation, and you really didn’t need to deal with that too. There’s nothing you could have done anyway except hold me and tell me how much you love me... and you were already doing that.”

“I... I just wish you would have told me...” Joyce said sadly.

‘You know it’s true, though. That’s why you aren’t arguing against my reasons,” Dawn thought.

“I’m telling you now, mom,” Dawn said softly. “Cause, now we’re not in the middle of getting shot at, and not knowing if Buffy and everybody are ok, or if Glory or the Knights are still out there... all that stuff that was just too much all by itself, let alone with my nightmares added to the mix.”

“I’m just... I wish I could have been there for you...” Joyce said.

“Cause that’s a mom’s job?” Dawn asked, getting the impression that that was her mom’s reasoning. At her mother’s nod, Dawn answered, “You were. I knew you were there for me, just like I knew once the craziness was over, I’d be able to talk to you about it and you wouldn’t freak.”

“And when did you become so wise?” Joyce asked, only half in jest.

“I dunno,” Dawn answered. “It must be from you, though; cause I sure didn’t get it from Buffy!”

“Dawn!” Joyce protested. Her laugh and smile told the real story though.

Dawn took a sip of her coffee, delaying the subject she had really come to talk about.

“The nightmares...” Joyce began, clearly uncomfortable with the thought. “Are they bad?”

“Yes and no...” Dawn said, unable to quantify the dreams to someone who hadn’t experienced them.

‘Xander understood exactly,’ she thought, remembering their emotional episode the night before.

“Actually, the stuff Tara and Willow are teaching me is helping a lot,” she offered, wanting her mom not to worry.

“Do they know...?” Joyce started to ask.

“No. No, I can’t tell them yet... maybe ever,” Dawn said, her gaze falling for the first time since the conversation began.

“Why not?” Joyce asked, puzzled, but not challenging.

“I can’t tell Willow or Tara something and ask them to keep it from Buffy. Maybe Tara could keep a secret if she really believed it was, like, totally crucial... but it’d be really hard for her; and there’s no way Willow could keep a secret from Buffy... and I don’t want them...” she broke off, embarrassed by her rambling reasoning. “I just don’t want them to look at me... different. Especially Buffy...”

“Buffy wouldn’t...” Joyce began.

“I see her sometimes...” Dawn softly interrupted. “Looking at Faith with that look... Like she did back when that whole thing with the deputy mayor happened, only I didn’t understand why back then...”

“What look honey?” Joyce softly prompted when Dawn had fallen silent.

Dawn set her coffee down on the side table and crossed her arms around herself as she explained, “I know she’s forgiven her and everything... but sometimes I see her look at Faith and it’s like I can read her mind.” Dawn felt a tiny chill shiver her flesh as she whispered, “just for that one second, she thinks; ‘Murderer!’ and then it’s gone, and I can tell that she even feels bad that she thought it... but still it was there.”

Dawn looked up into her mother’s eyes and wasn’t surprised to see a tear forming there. “I don’t think I could stand it...” her voice cracked and she took a shuddering breath as the emotion overwhelmed her momentarily. “...seeing that look in her eyes... when she’s looking at me. I just don’t think I could take it.”

Dawn felt the tears fall as her mother pulled her into a warm embrace.

“Oh Honey!” her mom cried as she held her tight.

‘I love you mommy!’ Dawn thought fiercely as she clutched her mother tightly.

A minute or two later, they let each other go and sat back.

‘Nothing like a good cry to make you feel wiped out,’ Dawn thought as she looked at her mother and saw her own torpor reflected.

Wiping her eyes, Joyce stood up and said, “Well, I could use a little more caffeine to go with my gut-wrenching emotion, how about you?”

“Um, yeah,” Dawn hesitantly agreed. “I think we’re gonna need it.”

“Why?” Joyce asked guardedly as she went into the kitchen to refill their cups.

“Well... that was kinda just the warm-up...” Dawn said anxiously.

‘Ah, there it is,’ she thought sarcastically as her heart started to pound and her hands grew chilled. ‘I wondered where all that fear and adrenaline was hiding...’

“Uh oh, that doesn’t bode well,” Joyce said apprehensively as she returned with the refills and sat down once more. “There’s more?”

“Um, not *more* so much as something else, something different,” Dawn said.

Joyce’s eyes narrowed, but she refrained from comment as she sipped her steaming beverage.

“I’m thinking it’s going to be a strange conversation, and I’m really hoping you won’t freak out too much...” Dawn started meandering towards the topic she wanted to raise.

“Dawn, whatever it is, just tell me,” Joyce said with a look of resistance forming already. “I don’t think I can take any ‘beating around the bush’ right now!”

‘Yep, this is definitely not gonna start off well,’ Dawn thought. ‘Pretty much what I expected.’

Dawn took a drink of her coffee and then set it aside. She sat up straight, clasped her hands in front of her and took a deep breath in through her nose, letting it out slowly through her mouth as Tara had taught her to do when focusing on, and maintaining her center.

“Mom, what would you think, of Xander and I being... together?” she asked calmly and evenly.

Joyce set her own cup aside and clasped her hands much as Dawn had. Her tone wasn’t so calm and even though as she asked, “What do you mean, ‘together’?”

Taking in the narrowed eyes, the gritted teeth behind frowning lips and the overall tension her mother was exuding, Dawn said, “Um, well, pretty much exactly like you’re thinking...”

There was a momentary pause, then her mother began speaking; softly at first, “I’m going to kill him. Then Rupert’s going to kill him some more, and if there’s anything left, Buffy’s definitely going to kill it!” Her volume raised dramatically as she continued, “how could he?! We trusted him with your life! We trusted... How could he do this? You’re only fifteen years old! How could he take advantage of you like that!? That son of a...”

“Stop!” Dawn shouted.

‘Ok she’s pissed, but no calling Xander names allowed!’ she thought angrily.

“Do you really think that little of him?” Dawn asked calmly- refocusing herself and not letting any anger show. “Xander hasn’t done anything.”

‘That took the wind out of her sails,’ Dawn thought as her mom deflated mid-rant.

“But... you said...” Joyce stammered.

“I asked you what you would think of us being together. I didn’t say we had been.” Dawn clarified.

“You’re too young!” Joyce immediately said.

Dawn smiled. “Ok, that was a given,” she said with amusement.

Joyce had the grace to blush slightly, but seemed unwilling to cede the point. “Honey, you’re only fifteen and Xander’s...” she paused and crinkled her brow in thought. “He’s twenty?”

“He’s nineteen. I’ll turn sixteen before he’ll turn twenty.” Dawn explained. She was still practicing her deep breathing and focus as she spoke. “Or, you can look at it another way; I’m not even one yet... a year ago there was no Dawn Summers.”

Joyce winced at that.

“Actually though, I’ve been around for thousands and thousands of years, just not in human form,” Dawn went on relentlessly. “Sometimes I feel like a little kid... other times I feel really old. Mostly though, I feel like I’m a young adult.”

“Dawn, I...” Joyce broke of, clearly unsure of how to respond to what her daughter was saying.

“How old were you when you started seeing boys, mom?” Dawn asked, careful to maintain a respectful tone, and not sound accusatory. “I remember our conversation a few weeks ago when we were talking about loneliness... I said I thought about sex all the time and asked you if you were any different when you were my age.”

Joyce blushed.

“You didn’t come right out and say it, but I got the definite feeling that you were doing a lot more than just thinking about it at my age.”

“It should be illegal for daughters to be that observant,” Joyce muttered.

“I know in your eyes I’m your baby, and it’s hard for you to think of me differently...” Dawn said sympathetically.

“Dawn, you’re asking me to give you permission to have sex with someone four years older than you!” Joyce said in a strangled voice.

“Not really,” Dawn countered, again maintaining a calm and even tone. “I’m telling you that I want a relationship with Xander, and I’m acknowledging that you have the power to make that impossible. Xander would never agree to be with me if you were against it.” She snorted slightly and rolled her eyes as she added, “Buffy’s going to be an even harder sell.”

Joyce shook her head, looking confused. “Wait a minute, you’re not... you haven’t talked to Xander about this yet?”

“Of course not,” Dawn said with a laugh. “He’s the last person I’ll talk to!”

“I... wha-huh?” Joyce stammered in confusion.

‘Priceless!’ Dawn laughed out loud at the look on her mom’s face.

“Mom, I warned you that this would be a strange conversation,” Dawn said with an understanding smile. “Xander and I haven’t discussed anything about a relationship, because I know his answer is going to be either, ‘Your mom would kill me!’ or ‘Buffy’d kill me!’. It might start off with the age thing, but it’ll definitely end up with the whole ‘being killed’ thing.”

“Dawn, honey? How can you be sure Xander even... I can’t believe I’m even asking this!” she said suddenly.

“I’ve seen him look at me,” Dawn said simply, utterly confident in what she was saying.

“How does he look at you?” Joyce asked, her voice once again taking on some hostility.

“It’s no secret that I’ve had a crush on Xander for, like, ever,” Dawn began, explaining in her own fashion. “I’ve spent many, many hours watching him, and I remember the way he used to look at Buffy, back when he was so head over heels for her... back when she broke his heart.”

“Yes, well your sister wasn’t necessarily the brightest candle on the cake back then...” Joyce muttered. Immediately her eyes widened in shock.

At her mother’s sudden look of horror, Dawn laughed out loud again. “Didn’t realize you were saying that out loud?” she asked. “Don’t worry mom, your secret’s safe with me.”

Joyce glared at her youngest daughter and mock-growled, “I can actually *feel* the gray hairs sprouting as we speak, you understand...”

“Sorry.” Dawn said unrepentant. “Watch Xander tonight at dinner. Watch him look at me when no one else is paying attention. You’ll see the look I’ve been waiting for, like, all my life.”

“Like he used to look at your sister...” Joyce said.

Dawn nodded. “Of course, about a second later you’ll see him realize what he’s doing and he’ll start kicking himself... That’s when he’ll look for you or Buffy to see if you noticed what he was doing,” she said with a sympathetic smile.

“Honey, I’m still not comfortable with this...” Joyce said.

‘At least she’s saying it like she’s almost sorry that she feels that way,’ Dawn thought. ‘I wasn’t sure this conversation would go anywhere near this well...’

“You never answered my question, mom,” Dawn said. “How old were you?”

Joyce gaped wordlessly for a moment before finally saying, “I’m really, really uncomfortable with this conversation, Dawn.” She sounded extremely reluctant.

Dawn chuckled and said, “Believe me, this isn’t my idea of the perfect Saturday morning either. I was planning on making Xander take me shopping so I could tease him with sexy clothes and get him all worked up, but here I am.”

‘Oops, I may have broken her...’ she thought with a huge smile as her mother’s eyes bugged out and she gasped loudly.

“Of course, that was just my real-world plan. My fantasy plan was more along the lines of us staying in bed all morning having hours and hours of hot, sweaty sex...”

Joyce’s hands were trembling as she fumbled for her coffee and she immediately drank it down I one long gulp.

Dawn suppressed the side-splitting laughter that threatened to burst forth upon her mother’s stunned _expression_. ‘She might just kill me if I laughed right now,’ she thought.

“Are... are you trying to kill me?” Joyce asked shakily.

Dawn reached out and held her mother’s still shaking hands in her own. “I’m really not, mom. What I am trying to do is tell you that... I’m your daughter, and I love you very much, but I’m not your baby girl anymore- not withstanding whether or not I ever really was.”

“Dawn...” Joyce whispered, clearly having no idea how to respond to that.

“These are my thoughts and feelings, this is what I’m experiencing in my life right now. I’ve seen what hiding stuff does, and I don’t want us to be like what you and Buffy were during all the denial years,” Dawn said earnestly.

Joyce’s _expression_ melted at that point. “Oh honey, I don’t want that either. That was... terrible.”

“Worse than this?” Dawn asked humorously.

“Even worse than this...” Joyce answered with a look of humor bordering on manic. “But not by much!”

Dawn laughed, recognizing that she was mostly teasing.

‘I think mom needs a break for a second,’ Dawn thought. She took that moment to stand up, asking, “More coffee?”

Joyce glanced at the clock on the wall and said, “Unfortunately, it’s too early for wine, so I guess coffee will have to do.”

‘Ouch, she wasn’t kidding,’ Dawn realized as she walked into the kitchen to refill the cups. ‘Still, I could only wish the conversation with Buffy will go this well.’

Stirring the sugar into her cup, Dawn thought, ‘I wonder how hard it’ll be to convince Xander? I wonder if I’ll be able to be this brave when it’s him instead of mom or Buffy...’

When she sat down and handed a cup to her mother, Dawn asked, “Were you in love?”

“In love?” Joyce asked, tilting her head questioningly.

“Your first time?” Dawn clarified.

“Ahh,” Joyce said.

She took a moment to blow on her coffee and then take a couple sips before answering. “I was thirteen. I thought I was in love, I suppose...”

‘Thirteen!’ Dawn thought, outraged. ‘I didn’t even like boys- except for Xander of course- and mom was doing the nasty in junior high?’

Joyce closed her eyes and leaned back against the arm of the couch as she reminisced. “Tony Stewart. He was fifteen, and I was so thrilled that he would spend time with me... He was so handsome...”

“Was he nice?” Dawn asked when her mother trailed off.

“He was a jerk,” Joyce answered decisively.

Dawn blinked in surprise at the vitriol in her mother’s voice.

“Of course, I didn’t know it until it was too late,” Joyce continued in a calmer tone.

“Did you regret doing it?” Dawn asked, genuinely curious.

“I regretted it when he dumped me a week later...” Joyce said sadly. “Honestly though, it wasn’t bad... I’d heard horror stories from other girls. He at least knew how to make it... pleasant... for me.”

“Did it hurt?” Dawn asked, revealing one of her fears.

Joyce opened her eyes and focused on Dawn’s for a moment. It looked like she was trying to decide something. Finally, she nodded and said, “It did. It actually hurt a lot, but only for a moment. I was sore for a little while, but he was gentle... and pretty soon it felt really good.”

Dawn smiled happily. “Thank you for telling me.” she said quietly but sincerely.

The smile on her mother’s face was radiant. “You know, as amazingly hard as this conversation has been... I, I’m glad you felt you could trust me enough to come to me.”

‘She really is the best mom, like, ever!’ Dawn thought.

“I know it’s going to be weird for you, seeing Xander and me together...” Dawn began.

“Can you say ‘understatement’?” Joyce asked, her voice half serious, half in jest.

“No man knows me like Xander does,” Dawn said with a joyful smile on her face. “Could you imagine me explaining to a potential boyfriend that I wasn’t really born, that I was created out of a glowing ball of energy and the blood of the Slayer? I’ve been hunted by a hell-god and an ancient brotherhood of knights, I’ve killed men to defend my family from death...”

Dawn had tears in her eyes, even though she continued to smile happily as she continued. “Xander knows all my deepest, darkest secrets... stuff I could never tell someone who wasn’t a Scooby. Stuff I’d be locked up in the nut-house for if I ever told anyone else; he knows all that, and he still looks at me like he does...” She shook her head in wonder as she said, “What man would I ever meet that would drop everything and fly across the country to come get me, knowing someone was trying to kill me, knowing there could be an assassin gunning for me... what man would do something like that for me and not even think about the risk to themselves?”

“I... I never really thought about it like that...” Joyce said, sounding almost startled.

“No one does, we’re all just so used to him acting like that, that we take it for granted,” Dawn said sadly.

“Buffy was chosen to be the slayer, Giles is her watcher, Tara and Willow are powerful witches and plus they’re Buffy’s lover’s... Faith’s a Slayer too... But Xander wasn’t chosen,” Dawn said with awe and wonder in her voice. “He doesn’t have any special powers, and he’s lost his best friend, been possessed by a hyena, been beaten up, like, hundreds of times... all with no Slayer healing... He’s helped save the world a bunch of times and he does it all because he’s Xander. He chooses to help, over and over, never caring that he could, like, die...”

“He’s a good man,” Joyce said, emotion choking her voice. “You’re right Dawn. I’m ashamed to say that I’ve taken him for granted too. I never really thought about it, but you’re right... everything you said is true, and he never makes a big thing about it...”

“It makes me wonder what stuff he’s done that no one knows about...” Dawn said, thinking about it for the first time. “I mean, he never brings up the stuff he does, so if someone wasn’t there to see it, we’d never even know...” she trailed off, wonderingly.

Joyce took a deep breath and sighed loudly. “Ok,” she said with a noticeable tone of reluctance.

Dawn shook off her reverie. “Ok?” she asked, confused.

“I really, really can’t believe I’m saying this... in fact, I’m hoping I’ll wake up anytime now and realize this was just a bad dream, but... ok.” Joyce said resignedly. “You sold me.”

Exhilaration coursed through Dawn’s body like she’d been hooked to an electrode. “Ok?!” she squealed excitedly. Pulling her mother into a hug, she cried, “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Releasing her, she bounced in place, extolling, “Oh God! Mom, you are the greatest!”

Joyce tried to glower, but a grin kept threatening to break out. “Don’t think this means I won’t threaten him within an inch of his life if he ever even *thinks* of hurting you for a second!”

Dawn laughed in delight at the threat. “You really are the best, mom!” she said intently.

“You have to promise me something though Dawn.”

“What’s that?” Dawn said, her excitement undiminished.

“Promise me that you will *never* tell me *any* of the intimate details of your relationship!”

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end of chapter 2

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