End of the Year 2003 State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report

TO: All Department Heads: United Vegetable Empire: and all other interested parties.

FROM: Director of Public Safety.

SUBJECT: End of the Year State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for 2003.

Thought I forgot about the report, huh? Not a chance… mainly because the Gutter Self-Defence Force and Lynch Mob would hunt me down and tickle me senseless before chaining me to my keyboard. I know all about the Water Catapult Squad’s “Emergency Bat Pouncing Plan” I don’t care how it is suppose to protect me from the evil adults… I know Francie… she likes to see me attached to keyboards and working on her favourite fics way too much… when she is not jumping out of the shadows to handcuff Albert – my stuffed monkey – to it that is. And since Albert has recently been re-stuffed… he is thirty years old after all, been with me since my dad found him at a German toy factory one day back in Berlin. He’s a cute little thing… even if he is a touch on the threadbare side… but he’s still my best bud. He’s long been my confidant… and no this does not mean he can be monkey-napped and held for questioning… that would be like pig-napping the Golden Slayer’s Mister Gordo… and no one wants a ticked off Slayer after them. Well no one sane anyway… and regardless of popular opinion I’m not insane or crazy… … … my concept of reality is just a bit warped is all.

Item 1:

Public Safety Memo: effective immediately it is no longer acceptable to mark “EMERGENCY RELIGIOUS NUT EJECTOR” cabinets with the words: “Encase of Religious Nut… use BAT”. In the future all such cabinets will have to be marked with: “Encase of Religious Nut… use BASEBALL BAT”. Regardless of how funny it is to toss a vampire fruit bat at a religious nut… it is not funny when said bat is sound asleep at the time and ends up getting knocked into a puddle of freezing water. In the very least you clowns could have the decency to wake me up first – I’m not that heavy a sleeper, I wake up very easy with the least amount of fuss actually.

Item 2:

Regarding the reported howling at all hours at the moon. Need I remind everyone that we do have a large wolf pack in the Woods Outback… oh wait :: checks over report :: it…er… seems that the reports do centre around the Big Oak by the Path Leading to Town. Since that IS my tree and since I have been known to hang out with wolves in the past, even got a touch of wolf in me myself… I have only one thing to say: “Hoowwlllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!” It’s a wolf thing we were holding our yearly gathering of forest predators trying to figure out if the Koala should be reclassified as a predator due to his hover tank driving – or lack therefore – and his general mayhem raising. The Gutter League of Predators has long prided themselves on keeping true to their ancient roots of maintaining the pre-history relationship between the Wild Ones and humans. Basically by making sure certain silly humans are kept sufficiently scared of us and leave us the hell along… especially when it is our night at the South Gutter Hot Tubs. Nothing ruins a party like a clueless human stumbling in and spazzing out on us… and we won’t go into the evil of calling out animal control! We have GOT to get an ordinance against those guys too… we can’t just keep leading them to the Demonic Cabbage Patch… the Cabbages may start getting sick on us or something. Or worse… spitting them back out and turning on US!!

Item 3:

We have been able to obtain the funding for the research and hopefully answer to the age-old question of :“How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie roll centre of a Toosie pop?" Our researchers are hopeful that the answer to this most puzzling of questions, which will lead to solving other such puzzles that have plagued us… such as: “Just what IS the deal with all the damn Old Navy commercials anyway?!”

Item 4:

Regarding the BeeGees among us… they are not our enemy and have no desire to be. They have to be our friends… they have emailed me twice saying as much and seem to have as deep a hatred of the BS shippers and enjoy Riley bashing like the rest of us. Although it does need to be pointed out that the BeeGees are not … as it was initially assumed fans of the pop-group BeeGees and know absolutely nothing about the influx of Disco Music that has been plaguing the local dance clubs recently. The BeeGees are in fact… Buffy/Giles shippers… a small and well behaved little group that have long been supporters of Mutt-boy flea-dipping drives as well as are the group helped pass the “Ban Idiot Commandoes from the Gutter Self-Defence Force” which keeps out former “Initiative” idiots from our beloved Lynch Mobs!

Item 5:

There is NO on-list bashing or flaming allowed! This rule is one of the very few that has EVER been rigidly enforced around here… well that one and the one involving turning the Koala over to Interpol. Seriously… every group that I have named or ‘bashed’ in the Gutter Reports – with the exception of the Buffy/Riley Let’s All Get Along Shippers – are inventions of my rather fevered, wild and often times uncontrollable imagination. While I do tend to be a rather loyal basher of Riley, Mutt-boy and now BS-shippers… I do not approve of or condone the bashing of other pairings and/or ‘shippers that may be apart of the lists that I post the Gutter Reports too. The matter with the Buffy/Riley Let’s All Get Along Shippers came about over an incident where Kimber, Patrick Kelly, and myself, devised a little on-list mayhem by having our respective fics – well updates to certain fics – taken hostage by a rabid Buffy/Riley cult. Only to have our mayhem unexpectedly joined by the Buffy/Riley Let’s All Get Along Shippers denying all knowledge over it.

To avoid an on-list flame war it was decided to warp up the whole hostage fic idea… but I couldn’t resist continuing to poke fun at the Buffy/Riley Let’s All Get Along shippers in the Gutter Reports. I don’t have a problem with other ‘shippers being on the list and supporting their favourite pairings… it’s a free list and by joining it is generally accepted that there is an interest in more then one pairings. I mean… what other reason for a Buffy/Giles shipper join a Buffy/Willow list if they were not interested in that pairing as well? Well okay… there are those idiotic and narrow-minded little bastards that like to join different lists and start trouble. Thankfully they are not all that common and are usually kicked the hell off of a list when found as fast as possible – along with the damn spammers when found – but they are out there.

Just remember that the Gutter and Woods Outback Reports are meant for fun… and mostly as a vent for my rather ‘demented’ as Quin insisted on calling it, imagination… as such the people I do single out and mention in the Reports are my friends. People I’ve spoken to either via ‘email tag’ or through instant messenger… they know how fast my mind works and are mostly more then happy to join in on my mischief. Since I have dragged the BeeGees out into the open… expect more on these intrepid little ‘shippers. I mean we got to blame someone for smuggling of polyester and white leisure suits!

Item 6:

Regarding the Solstice/New Year Block Party in which the Silent Panicky Gopher was seen dancing on a table wearing a leather jacket singing: “Macho, macho gopher… I wannabe a macho gopher”. We don’t know why he was singing either… but he did look nice in the leather biker’s jacket and the Cute Office Assistant Rose did seem to enjoy the performance by her ‘Rebel Cuddle Gopher’ – something else I’m not going to ask about. Nope… don’t want to know about that one… or what happened to the new conference table that ‘disappeared’ from the Gutter Conference Room.

Item 7:

Per the Shade-wearing Koala’s request I will not be mentioning the Koala Kult’s Karaoke Rendition of YMCA at the Solstice/New Year Block Party.

Item 8:

Will the owner of the Bright Yellow with Puke Green Interior 62’ Chevy parked near the heavy weapons range please come to gets its remains? It sort of had an unfortunate encounter with one of the shells from our howitzers late Christmas Eve when the Royal Kingdom of Denial’s Air Force Command opened fire at what appeared to be a rather large sleigh being guided by eight tiny reindeer and what we think was an outboard engine from a wave runner. While the incident is being investigated Gutter Security adamantly denies that the 62’ Chevy was deliberately targeted by the howitzer crew; although, we are looking into why that particular automobile was parked in direct line of fire from the howitzers… even if it was legally parked in the parking lot with the rest of the vehicles. We are not ruling out ‘Suicide by Howitzer’ since it is common knowledge of how depressing it would be to own a bright yellow with puke green interior car.… some things are just wrong no matter how you look at them.

That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.

ShadowDrake -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

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