Feedback: FIC-Valentine's Sunrise (1/1)

[Alan M Rogers <masterofwords@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Jamie,

Overall, nice work -- a very enjoyable read. But then again, anything endorsed by Mad Hamlet usually is.

You did a really good job with the transition from dream reality, without any artificial (read: symbols, italics, etc) transition symbols. No mean feat, that.

I have a few problems with the first few lines of your second scene, though.

Sunnydale High was your typical Californian High School really.

There should have been a comma before 'reall y', setting it off from the rest of the clause -- grammatically speaking, 'really' is acting as an intensifier and isn't needed in the sentence, and is also not an intrinsic part of the grammatical syntax of the sentence.

Bored teachers, bored pupils, hellish vibes pretty much everywhere. Well, maybe not typical in the last part,

 

My thoughts here are purely stylistic -- I had to stop and re-read this sentence, because the phrase 'maybe not typical in the last part' was awkward.  A better phrasing might have been:

 

Well, maybe the last part wasn't typical, ...

 

And the last few phrases here are what really annoyed me as a reader -- and almost made me stop reading. 

 

but that’s hardly surprising when said school sits on top of a Hellmouth, a convergence of mystical energies that tends to bring the bad in a big way.

 

As well written as this explanation of the Hellmouth is, it's something I already know -- and I imagine most people reading this would already know what the Hellmouth is, too.

 

By violating your readers' expectations -- which are that you will treat them as if they are reading your fic because they enjoy BTVS, most noteably the B/W pairing, and therefore will already know most of the setting the show is designed around.

 

However, it is a well-written and concise explanation of the Hellmouth.

 

Another place you did a superb job was in characterization through dialogue; I could see the events happening as if they were on the show.

 

But I think your crowning bit was this passage:

 

“Willow,” she breathed, barely more than a whisper on the wind as she spoke. “I have something to tell you.” Silence, then the redhead responded.

 

“I know.”

 

Everything moved in slow-motion as she spoke those two words. Buffy supposed it should have been another one of those moments where everything went hurtling through her mind at warp-speed, but to be honest, she didn’t form thoughts, didn’t think of words. She could only feel and react.

I haven't seen that particular tactic used for the moment of revelation (not to say it hasn't been used by someone else, just that I haven't ever seen it), and I thoroughly enjoyed it -- the tension you had bult up between them using just Buffy was excellent, but using just those two words to breai that tension was a masterstroke.

 

~alan the mad dragon

 

PS I only gave this kind of C&C 'cause I figure anyone who can be beta'd by Mad Hamlet can more than handle me throwing out some thoughts on the fly.  If I offended or annoyed,  my sincere apologies.

Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                      —'Choices'

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