Fic: In Rome 10: Pronoun Trouble In Rome

["ebailey140" <ebailey140@xxxxxxx>]

Title:  Pronoun Trouble In Rome
Writer:  E
Email:  ebailey140@xxxxxxx
Rating:  PG-13
Disclaimers:  The usual, don't own them, Joss and Fox do, blah blah 
blah.
Spoilers:  Pretty well any and all BtVS, and Angel Season 5.
The Story So Far:  Buffy and Dawn had moved to Rome, as part of 
rebuilding the Watchers Council.  The reason they picked Rome, 
besides liking the Eternal City, is the house they live in.  From 
the outside, it appears to be a modest villa, but it was actually 
built centuries ago by the Templars.  It's much vaster than it seems 
on the surface, full of large underground rooms, passageways, and 
vaults, one of which has been converted into a state of the art 
lab.  Willow came to visit after splitting from Kennedy (due, in 
part, to Buffy and Dawn reprogramming the Buffybot to have a 
condition unique to Slayers:  Post Slayage Horniness), and Buffy 
finally won the love of her best friend in the non platonic way she 
wanted for years.  While adjusting to this change in their 
relationship, they've had more visitors who have complicated 
things.  Giles, Xander, and Buffy's old girlfriend and fellow Slayer 
Faith arrived, revealing Dawn to be the magical love child of Buffy, 
Willow, AND Faith.  Cordelia's dropped in, literally, thanks to 
Buffy accidentally resurrecting her.  And, as if they didn't have 
enough people moving in, ditzy, lovesick, vampire Harmony has 
arrived to declare her undying love for Cordy, having gotten into 
the house through a legal loophole.  Buffy, Willow, and Faith must 
face something more horrifying, though:  Dawn met someone in 
California that she really hit it off with, who will soon arrive for 
a date.  

Meanwhile, mysterious forces conspire to destry the love Buffy and 
Willow have found...


A hotel room, where we see two men, one old, one young...

Old Man:  To the modern man, vengeance is a verb, an idea...

Young Man:  It's a noun.

Old Man:  You interrupt me, Stefan?!!

Stefan:  Sorry, Uncle Bera, but...  Vengeance is a noun.  

Bera:  (flustered)  Fine!  Vengeance is a NOUN! Payback. One thing 
for another. Like commerce. Not with us. Vengeance is a living 
thing. It passes through generations.

Stefan:  Like insanity?

Bera: It commands. It kills.

Stefan:  Do we really need to do this?

Bera:  The elder woman has been reading signs, and she is never 
wrong.  She says her pain is lessening.  She can feel it.

Stefan:  Well, I'm glad she's feeling better.  I didn't know the 
elder woman was sick.

Bera:  No, NOT the elder woman!!!  The flame haired WITCH!!!  HER 
pain is lessening!!!

Stefan:  Oh...  Yes, of course.  Sorry.  Pronoun trouble.  But, 
maybe we should just leave well enough alone?  This never goes well 
for us, especially when THAT Slayer is the one involved.

Bera:  So, you just forget that the witch killed the most hated son 
of your tribe?!!

Stefan:  Well, he DID abuse his magical gifts.  Some would say....  
I wouldn't, of course, but some...  would say Rack brought it on to 
himself.  

Bera:  Vengeance demands that her pain be eternal as ours is! If 
this, this girl gives her one MINUTE of happiness, it is one minute 
too much!  And the fact that it IS this particular girl makes 
vengeance...  um....  more DEMANDING!!!  She and her, it ends now! 
Do what you must to take her from her!

Stefan:  (confused)  Um...  Which she and which her?

Bera:  What?!!!  Only ONE of them is a witch!!!

Stefan:  Huh?!!

Bera:  Sigh...  Just perform the curse as I have instructed you.

Stefan:  All right...  But if you end up murdered with messages 
written on the wall with your blood, don't come running to me...


Buffy's House of Slayage...

Giles and Xander are in the entrance room.  Willow is coming down 
stairs, followed by Buffy.  They're having a heated discussion...

Willow:  I just think you're reading too much into this...

Buffy:  C'mon, Willow...  It's all there!

Willow:  They had guys!  

Buffy:  That meant nothing to them!!!  The whole movie was about 
their relationship, how much they loved each OTHER!  Notice how all 
the endearments, the "honey"s and "dear"s, were always for each 
other?

Faith and Buffybot return from patrol...

Buffybot:  (brightly)  Hi, everyone!

Giles:  Patrol go well?

Faith:  We came, we saw, we slayed.

Buffybot:  And Faith is hungry!  (smiles)  I'll give her something 
yummy!  (goes to kitchen) 

Willow:  This whole subtext kick you're on...

Buffy:  Faith, back me up, here.

Faith:  Sure.  On what?

Willow:  Buffy has this radical interpretation of Gentlemen Prefer 
Blondes.

Faith:  Oh yeah...  Lorelei and Dorothy were SO screwing... 

Willow:  Come ON!  They got MARRIED at the end, for crying out 
loud!  To guys!

Buffy:  Wouldn't know it from that zoom in the final shot...

Willow:  Look...  If it's there, they should just SAY it!  Maybe I 
don't LIKE having to figure out subtext that could mean one thing on 
one level and something else on another!  Maybe I like these things 
to be more direct!

Buffybot returns, with ice cream and a spoon, which she gives Faith.

Faith:  Cookie dough fudge mint chip!  Yum!!

Buffybot:  And after you eat, we'll have sex!

Faith blushes.

Willow:  Um...  Maybe I should rethink that direct thing...  Subtext 
is good...

Xander:  You think?

Willow:  (to Buffy)  I never pictured you and Faith spending 
romantic evenings watching 50s musicals.

Giles:  Just be thankful you weren't their Watcher, and didn't have 
to sit through their rendition of "Two Little Girls From Little 
Rock". 

Xander:  Just don't get Buffy started on Thelma & Louise. 

Willow:  I just...  OK, taking your interpretation...  They just 
used and manipulated and emasculated every guy they met!  

Buffy:  It was a satire, Wills...

Willow:  We're supposed to think that's FUNNY?

Xander:  Don't take it so seriously...  I just thought it was a fun 
movie.

Willow:  But just...  USING guys like that...  Some of whom CARE 
about you...  (looks at Xander, then Buffy..  She shakes her head in 
frustration and leaves in a huff).

Buffy:  (to Xander)  What was THAT about?!!

Xander:  I don't know...  Maybe we were supposed to read something 
into that.  Go after her...


Buffy finds Willow in the garden, where she is still huffy...

Buffy:  Wills, what...?

Willow:  Buffy, I need to ask you something.

Buffy:  Ask away.

Willow:  Well, I-I...  I've gotten some surprises about your 
romantic life, lately, and...  Well...

Buffy:  Will...  Whatever you want to know...

Willow:  OK!!!  I'll just ask straight out!  (nods)  I'll just get 
straight to the point, I'll...

Buffy:  Will, what IS it?

Willow:  Did you and Xander ever...  You know...?

Buffy:  Did we ever...  what?

Willow:  You know!  Did you ever...  um...

Buffy:  If you're talking about something WE do, then you can say 
the words.

Willow:  Welll  Yeah...  So...  Did you?

Buffy:  (rolls eyes)  Why is it EVERY time I have a girlfriend, they 
ask that?!! 

Willow:  Well...  You two are close...  And have been for a lot of 
years...  And you ARE a Slayer...  And...

Buffy:  Fine, here's my entire sexual history:  Angel, Faith, 
Parker, Riley, Spike, Anya, Buffybot, and you.  

Willow:  OK.  (nods, then it registers)  Wait.  Be kind, rewind.

Buffy:  Oh...  Yeah, I suppose I should explain...

Willow:  Buffybot?

Buffy:  Oh!  Well, she wanted to be accurate...  In every way she 
could.  So, she wanted to learn about my bedroom style.  And she's 
VERY persistant when she wants something...

Willow:  Tell me about it...

Buffy:  So, I had the choice of finding a volunteer to help me 
demonstrate while she watched, or I could show her one on one.

Willow:  (playfully)  Narcissist...

Buffy:  Y'know, I remember this red haired vampire from an alternate 
universe...

Willow:  OK, change of subject...

Buffy:  We could get you a nice form fitting leather outfit and role 
play...

Willow:  Maybe later.  Any more movies we can watch that you can 
interpret for me?

Buffy:  A few...  Ever consider writing lesbian erotica, yourself?

Willow:  I've tried, but I always have trouble with the sex scenes.

Buffy:  A little more intimate than you're comfortable with sharing?

Willow:  It's not that...  It's when I'm describing the act...  I 
have to remember to keep using their names.  Otherwise you run into 
pronoun trouble...  She did this then she did that...  It's like, 
which one?  Is it the same girl doing everything, or is one girl 
doing the first thing then the second one doing the other?

Buffy:  Ah...  Speaking of potential pronoun trouble, we've gotta 
get ready to meet Dawn's date.  Dawn's gushing...  It's all "We have 
a connection...  We both knew we had so much in common..."  She's at 
the airport, right now.

Willow:  Our daughter and her mystery girlfriend...  Scary.

Buffy:  Not as scared as the date's gonna be when she meets the 
family....


Upstairs...

Harmony:  But, Cordy...  I know we've had our problems...  Like when 
you dumped me to be with Buffy...  But, I LOVE...

Cordy:  Will you STOP SAYING THAT?!!!

Harmony:  C'mon...  We grew UP together!  We were inseperable!  
Remember the slumber parties?  How we used to paint each other's 
toenails?  The foot massages?

Cordy:  Yeah...  But, that was before...

Harmony:  What's WITH you?!!!  You weren't this freaked out about me 
being a vampire, before!

Cordy:  Yeah, well...  

Harmony:  C'mon, you can talk to me.

Cordy:  You wouldn't understand.

Harmony:  Why wouldn't I?  You think you're the only one who's been 
through stuff?!!  Had identity issues?!!  Hello!  Vampire, here!

Cordy:  No, I mean, you wouldn't understand because...  Well...

Harmony:  You think I'm a ditz?!!

Cordy:  Well...  That enters into it, yeah...

Harmony:  Well, maybe I'll surprise you.  

Cordy:  You've already given me one surprise, tonight...  

Harmony:  What's that?

Cordy:  You're coming on to me.

Harmony:  Well, duh!

Cordy:  It's like...  Every woman I know...  They're all...  We're 
talking a small percentage of the population, here, so why am I this 
big lesbian magnet?!!!

Harmony smiles, but is then startled when Buffy and Willow enter the 
room.  Buffy sees Harmony...

Buffy:  OK, who invited her in?

Cordy:  You did.  It's OK.  She can't bite.

Harmony:  (smiles)  Unless you want me to.

Willow:  Buffy!!!  We talked about these old bad habits of yours...

Buffy:  No!  I didn't!

Harmony: (smiles) I come with the open invitation to Angel's crew.  
Y'know, because I'm part of it.  And stuff.

Buffy:  Arrgh!!!  I'm gonna kick his ass!!!

Willow:  Um, weren't you already going to kick his ass over Spike?

Buffy:  Yes!  And then I'll kick his ass again over THIS!  Sigh...  
Cordy, Dawn's on the way back from the airport with her mystery 
date.  We could use everyone we can get for proper intimidation.

Cordy:  Let me get dressed, and I'll be down in a bit.

Willow:  Um...  Should we leave you alone with...  (motions to 
Harmony)

Cordy:  I can handle her...  Um, as in keep her in line, not, you 
know, handling her, in a physical sense...


Dawn's car (a nice little sports number) arrives in front of the 
house.  Dawn steps out with her date.  Buffy is at the door, and is 
surprised by what she sees. 

Buffy:  Didn't see THAT coming...  Dawn's got a boyfriend.

Willow:  Huh?  Wait, did she ever use any gender specific pronouns 
when talking about this person?

Buffy watches them come to the house.  There seems to be something 
oddly familiar about him, but she can't place it.  

Buffy:  Hi. I'm Buffy.  Come on in, and meet the gang...

Dawn:  Isn't he cute?

Buffy:  Yeah...  

Then enter the house.  Willow's and Faith's eyes widen in 
recognition...

Faith:  You've gotta be kidding...

Dawn:  Hey, everybody!  I'd like you to meet Connor!

Buffy:  (realization)  Oh no...  Well, you said you had a lot in 
common...

Dawn:  Huh?

Connor:  Faith?!!  Willow?!!!

Faith:  Hey.

Willow:  (nervous)  Hi.

Giles:  Bloody hell...

Connor:  (to Buffy)  You're THAT Buffy?!!

Buffy:  Small world...

Connor:  I thought you'd be taller...  

Buffy:  (warningly)  Don't.  

Dawn:  You all know each other?!!

Dawn's three moms break off into a huddle, where Xander joins them...

Buffy:  Five billion people in the world that Dawn could date...

Xander:  So, let me see if I understand all this...  Your magically 
created daughter who's just a few years old but also a teenager is 
dating your ex's magically created son who is ALSO just a few years 
old and a teenager...

Buffy:  Uh huh...

Xander:  Well, at least it can't get MORE complicated...

Buffy, Willow, and Faith's eyes widen, again...

Xander:  I guess this is another example of "I shouldn't have said 
anything".

Buffy:  Oh God...  She'll be coming down any minute...

Willow:  (panic)  What are we going to do?!!

Buffy:  We need a plan...

Faith:  Ah...  Got it!  I'll intercept her, knock her out, and lock 
her in her room for the duration.

Buffy:  (seeing Cordy and Harmony coming down the stairs)  Too 
late...

Cordy:  (cheery)  So, Dawn, let's meet your....  Connor?!!!

Connor:  Cordy?!!!

Dawn:  What's going on?!!!

Buffy:  Uh oh...




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Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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