End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for February and March 2004

TO : All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; The Three Lurkers in the Corner; and all other interested parties.

FORM: Director of Public Safety

SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for February and March 2004

Thought I forgot didn’t you? Or that I wouldn’t find the ‘misfiled’ complains and protests from the often stressed out and flat out anal ‘adult-like’ beings who seem somewhat ‘miffed’ by the majority of our antics. Like it’s our fault that they grew up and have lost their sense of mischief and mayhem… nor can we help it if the motto of the Kingdom of Denial is “… what us? Grow up?!?! NEVER!!!!”

Item 1:

I know many of you out there are wondering just what the heck happened with the Gutter Report for February. Well, considering that most of my time was being rather cruelly taken up by actual College work not to mention study, and I wasn’t able to get out January’s Report until like the middle of the month I decided to get the Reports back on track by posting a double report for February and March… which is where we are now. It was either hold off and do a double report or get into a rather displeasing process of doing a ‘middle of the month report’… which just sounded strange… even for me! Seriously, it takes a lot to come up with the general mischief and mayhem that happens around here… not all of it come off the top of my head – just most of it. :: sheepish grin ::

Item 2:

To answer the question of just how DOES one get mentioned in the Gutter Reports… and more importantly – how do I avoid getting pounced on and drag into the middle of the mayhem kicking and screaming?? Actually there is no safe place from me... just ask Buddy over here :: points to list-sib currently hard at work making chain mail :: I just pounced on her one day and started talking to her. I don’t think she’s quite forgiven me for that yet… although, she is great help in spreading mischief and mayhem… … or at least in helping to provide an alibi when I need it. :: insert devilish grin here ::

Item 3:

To those of you who are new to the Gutter and Woods Outback and haven’t taken the time to read all of the Safety Pamphlets and General Cautions I would like to take this moment to say… there is a reason for all the “CAUTION: Non Serious Thought and Contemplation Zone” signs. We take few things serious around here… and like it that way… besides… I’ve been told I frighten people when I’m serious or have to do my ‘adult’ impersonation. The Beautiful Winged Gremlin in charge of the water catapult squad gets down right freaked out when I do that impersonation; it’s on public gutter record if you don’t believe me.

Item 4:

Regarding the Temple of Mayhem’s St. Patrick Day’s Celebration.

As always the Spiked Jungle Juice and Holy White Lightening were in stock and even managed to stay that way after the four drinking contests {including the two that were actually planned for the festivities mind you}. Now I know that a few of you are new to the Gutter and Woods Outback and are unfamiliar with our ways for the most part, I would like to take the time to point out a few things about the Koala Kult.

First off, the Koala Kult and the Temple of Mayhem are not some crackpot religion... we got strict laws around here about head shaving and molesting sheep. Only our resident ram and mountain goat :: points to Woods Outback dweller slowly sneaking up on a bent over member of PETA :: are allowed to molest the sheep but that is just a goat and sheep thing… and maybe I should shut up now because this is getting a bit weird to talk about even for me. Anyway some things even we wouldn’t do… … … well we would but knowing us, we’d only end up denying it or placing the blame on Rod – of course since he does everything anyway its always his fault.

Second… we don’t know where the voice over from James Earl Jones comes from either; however, since the voice seems to only talk to the Shade-wearing Koala for the most part… … … oh wait, I’m trying to put the new guys at ease here. :: pauses as if in deep thought :: Let me get back to the new people on that. :: ducks and grins wickedly at the slightly miffed Koala currently trying to look offended while sitting on top of a beer keg and wearing a samurai helmet ::

It should also be noted that; yes, the Temple of Mayhem’s Traditional re-enactment of the Great Koala/Leprechaun War for the Golden Beer Tap is just not the same without a beer mug in hand and the Koala standing with one booted foot on top of an unconscious leprechaun while posing with the local scantily clad nymphs with light-sabre raised in victory. Or so the Temple of Mayhem claims and insists must carefully be re-enacting during block-parties and other religious and social gatherings. Just what historical event the re-enactments are suppose to be commemorating we’re not sure… but it seems to keep the Koala out of too much trouble – not to mention out of the nymph swimming pool.

Item 5:

Report from the BeeGee Camp for February – this is a combo report for February and March after all… I haven’t heard anything form them for March… they must all be recovering from the St. Patrick’s Day fun like the rest of us.

Having been kindly offered a spot to build by the UVE, the BeeGees have already set up a rudimentary sort of shelter, full of matching flats, all with lofts, which may or may not have extra bedrooms, bathrooms and/or Giles and Buffy Bots running about (for legitimate purposes only. This is a family show.) The Bespectacled Watcher's birthday was celebrated in grand style with fireworks, feasting, imbibery and debauchery. The Bespectacled Watcher wishes it noted that he was only debauched by a certain yellow-haired Slayer, and that with her complete consent. He was, however, coaxed into singing and subsequently became the owner of several new bras, although he seems a bit unsure of what to do with them.

Some concerns have been raised as to the interaction between our Bespectacled Watcher and a certain Ensouled Vampire this past week... the Watcher wishes it to be known that his lines were faked and he was not actually there. He refused to divulge his true whereabouts, explaining that it was 'none of your bloody business' as he shoved this faithful chronicler out the door.

~~Rainne *g*

Item 6:

Regarding the Mischief Making Little Flying Menace’s birthday which was celebrated this past March 19. For the most part it was a quite birthday aside from that incident involving said Little Vampire Fruit Bat, a runaway pineapple, and a parking lot attendant. For the record… that pineapple was mine… I caught it fair and square after battling a Fruit Vendor for it. Further the parking lot attendant was overacting about seeing a little purring menace with its prize {the captured pineapple} taking a quick rest on top of her booth… for the love of the Gods it was broad daylight for crying out loud!! Like I’m going to be up to anything frisky and/or naughty during the day… with that bright shiny thing everyone seems so damn fond of shining overhead.

Now if it had been night… maybe she would have had something to be concerned about… but as it was I was just stopped for a quick rest before carrying my pineapple home to have for my birthday. I’m the injured party here… the parking lot attendant hit me with a broom… and tried to steal my pineapple. I don’t care what she put in her report… she was trying to steal my pineapple that had been knocked off the top of her booth and I was merely trying to get it back… it was mine I caught it! Furthermore, I wouldn’t of flown into that guy on the moped if the aforementioned parking lot attendant did not blow that damn whistle of hers… the loud shrill sent me off course and right into that guy’s helmet faceplate. I was nearly killed… and nearly lost my pineapple that was about to be ran over by some idiot kid in a car. But it rolled right under the car and I was able to grab it and fly to safety before that crazy parking lot attendant could take another swing at me. That is my story and I’m sticking to it! :: little beast continues to grumble darkly about mean humans with brooms and loud whistles ::

Item 7:

Regarding the… :: glares at the Yahoo News Story :: so-called vampire bat slaying article… … I refuse to dignify an obvious tabloid ‘sensationalized’ story with a response. However, since Rod DID come out of hiding and actually replied to it… demanding pictures of me to see if I had lost my mind and was now stalking him. I feel I have little choice but to post pictures of myself to the list to clear my name. Just remember I am doing this under protest… I am not a stalker of humans… I discovered long ago I could get more out of them if I just purred and looked adorable. :: insert big wicked grin here ::

That is all… we know return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.