Hi everybody!
I'm not Dr Nick but I have a degree like his. Comes in useful ;)
This ff isn't connected to my 'She Slays Me' series for any interested parties. It's a separate world of fun.
Once More With Touchy-Feeling
The Cheesy Musical
Episode One of Alternate Buffy Season 7
by Silverna (silverna_wolfe@xxxxxxxxx)
Dire Warnings:
1) Spoilers alert for anything and everything in Buffy the Vampire Slayer up to and including season 6.
2) Aforementioned show belongs to Joss Whedan and Mutant Enemy as do all the great characters
3) This is a satirical script involving maintext/subtext, filked songs and bad jokes aplenty. Yee hah.
Buffy/Willow, Spike/Spike's Hand, Jonathan/Andrew implied, Xander/Anya in recovery
Scene 1: The Night After the World Didn't End
EXT. GRAVEYARD. NIGHT.
Story So Far: Xander has just stopped Willow from destroying the whole world by loving her no matter what...see episode in canon, 'Grave'.
Our story begins as we cut from a scene where we see Giles and Xander comforting a distraught Willow who is balled up on Giles' couch. The camera rushes back from that scene to an aeril shot of Sunnydale as night closes in. Then as eerie music plays softly in the background the camera does a big rushdown to focus in on Andrew &
Jonathan. They are apparently not in Mexico. Jonathan sits cross-legged on Buffy's old gravestone while Andrew paces in front of him fingering what appears to be some little girl's beaded necklace.
ANDREW
It's so pretty.
JONATHAN
You're sure that's the right one? That's the magical talisman that makes everyone all happy?
ANDREW
Yes I'm sure and didn't you read the instruction manual? This baby's gonna make everything okay again. No more witch trying to kill us for something that really wasn't our fault...
JONATHAN
Can it, Andrew. It so was.
ANDREW
Nuh uh! Besides, when I do my powerful magicks, none of that will matter anyway. We're gonna save Sunnydale!
JONATHAN
And out own asses.
Andrew begins to rub his hands desperately all over the 'talisman' trying to invoke some reaction. Finally he tosses it to the ground in disgust.
ANDREW (whines)
It's not working. I must've got the defective one. Ripped off!
JONATHAN
I don't know. I feel kinda funny.
Slowly he climbs to his short legs and stands atop the gravestone, balancing precariously
ANDREW
What are you doing? No, don't jump! No!
Andrew runs across and wraps his bony arms around Jonathan's legs to stablise him.
JONATHAN
It's like 3 feet off the ground, you loser.
He blinks as a stronger strange feeling washes over him. Then to his and Andrew's immense surprise, and by no means displeasure, he opens his mouth and begins to sing in a deep baritone to the tune of Simply Red's version of Lady in Red.
JONATHAN SINGING
I've never seen Will looking, so scary as she looked tonight
It made me pee my pants in fright
mmm-mmm-mmm
ANDREW SINGING (in thin reedy voice)
I've never seen the Xand-Man look quite so rugged with sweat
looking just a little like Rhett
Butler when he's spent
Jonathan jumps over Andrew's head to the ground and they wrap their arms around each other and start waltzing.
JONATHAN SINGING
and I have never seen Will's face all veiny
or that Adam's Family hair
and those big black eyes
I am so frightened
ANDREW & JONATHAN SINGING
Her hair was red!
but now it is black, how 'bout that?
oh when did she dye?
when will it change back?
we recommend a hat
And we hardly know
why killing us she tried
We'll never forget
Fleeing for our lives
The boys separate and run across opposite sides of the clearing with dainty ballet moves and leaps in the interlude. Then Andrew keeps pirohetting in the background as Jonathan comes to the forefront and gets down on one knee.
JONATHAN SINGING
I've never see Buff looking so aggressive and so uptight
I've never seen her put to flight
She needed saving
Andrew runs to foreground and shoves Jonathan aside.
ANDREW SINGING
I've never seen so many people try to take a Wiccan and fail
so when they turned to me for help
I came and saved the day
Jonathan comes back to forefront to join Andrew and glares at him with raised eyebrows. Nervously Andrew changes his lyrics to be more in keeping with actual events. They take each others' hand and stare into the camera...
ANDREW & JONATHAN SINGING
We have never had such a beating
such defeating and such bruising of our pride
as we did tonight
Her hair was red!
but now it is black, how 'bout that?
oh when did she dye?
when will it change back?
we recommend a hat
And we hardly know
why our plots have all failed
We'll never forget
The way that Warren bailed
Andrew grabs his hand back from Jonathan in outrage.
ANDREW
He did not bail! He was coming back for us.
JONATHAN
Yeah, tell that to his skinless corpse. Oh God, we have to get out of here!
They take off running, towards...Mexico. Well, in that general direction.
TBC in Scene 2