FIC: Evil Willow's Big Night Out

TITLE: EVIL WILLOW’S BIG NIGHT OUT

AUTHOR: Silverna (silverna_wolfe@xxxxxxxxx)

DISCLAIMER: All characters and back-story belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. This is all in sordid, dirty fun.

PAIRINGS: Buffy/Evil Willow, Xander/Anya, Some M/M jokes impending

SICK HUMOR ALERT: This is a parody and might I mentioned it definitely falls under the twisted and dark humor category. This might not be your laugh a minute so if not, please don’t subject yourself to the bad puns and complete and utter lack of correct characterization. Please!

Also the star of this piece is Evil Willow. If you like your Evil Willow to be a serious subject, or if you like to pretend she never existed – this is not the story for you. I am poking fun at the Black-Eyed-Witch. Why? Uh, it’s funny? Also because I find it helpful to face nasty issues behind the warped veil of humor. And I’m weird.

RATING: NC17 baby. More for the humor than the sex, although that features.

SPOILERS: Anything up to and including all of S6. Takes place after the end of ‘Villains’. Willow has just done you know what to you know who. And if you don’t know what to who, I don’t know how you could’ve forgotten! Blocked it out, huh?

DISTRIBUTION: Free for all but please notify me via email.

* * * * *

Evil Willow combusted Warren’s skinless corpse with a handy fireball and hummed a little tune.

This was fun!

Not to mention, it really made her appreciate the convenience of magic. Why, if she’d been a normal psychopathic killer, she would have had a body on her hands, but this way? There was no evidence for the police. It was amazing how one measly fireball had made the remains disappear into thin air. Amazing.

She looked up and across the forest at her stupefied friends who had just arrived on the scene.

“Ye Gods, Willow!” said Anya. “Nice technique! What a finish! I’m all toasty, if you know what I mean…”

“What are you doing?” cried Xander in horror. Then he turned on his girlfriend, catching her in a flirtatious wink directed at the witch. “And you! What are you saying? Why are you winking?”

“You need to stop this, Will,” said Buffy in her firmest voice. “Just stop it.”

“Oh yeah, like that will stop me,” Evil Willow smirked, rolling her black eyes. She mimicked Buffy. “Stop it! I’m the Slayer and I order you to stop it! Stop it or I’ll MAKE you stop it.”

“Uh…” Buffy looked disconcerted. “You know I will, uh, Willow.”

“Will what?” purred the Wiccan. “Will you make me stop? I dare you to.”

“You what?” Buffy glanced over at the others, her brow wrinkling with confusion.

“You can do it, Buffy,” encouraged Anya. “You can stop her by slaying her! She’s evil now – just look at her. You can tell she’s evil. You can feel it.”

“Yeah, Buffy,” sing-songed Willow. “Can’t you just feel it?” Her black eyes raked down Buffy’s body and came to rest rather obviously on her breasts.

“Plus,” said Anya, “She’s wearing all black just like all the villains around here do. And she’s got the creepy coal eyes and the Shocking Hairdo of Evil – remember Glory? And even I heard about Angelus! AND her skin’s broken out or something. All the evil things around here have skin problems. Yep, definitely evil. Slay her!”

“I can’t slay her,” spluttered Buffy, looking appalled at the idea. “She’s Willow! My best friend. She’s not evil…she’s just…confused.”

“Really, Buffy?” Willow took a long evil step towards them and smirked suggestively. Her eyes now never left Buffy’s lips. “I’m confused? Well, you won’t mind if I poof over to the jail for a second and inflict off Johnny and Whatshisname’s asses. I feel it would clear things up for me. A lot.”

“Not evil, not evil,” chanted Xander, putting his hands over his ears. “Just uh…confused and grieving.”

“Yes, that’s right,” purred Evil Willow. “I’m gonna peel off Jonathan’s pathetic face and squeeze off the other one’s balls, if he has any, and that’s gonna make me feel better. It’ll be like catharsis.”

“Oooh, I know this!” piped Anya. “Step 2 of Grief - Anger. Step 3 – Vengeance. This is vengeance. You’re right,” she told Willow. “It will make you fell waaay better.”

“Well, I’ll be off then,” said Willow.

“No wait!” cried Buffy. “You can’t do this!” Her lips pursed and she seemed to be fighting to find the words that would stop her friend. Finally she came up with just what to say.

“It’s wrong.”

They all looked at her disbelievingly. She shrugged defensively.

“Okay, maybe it’s not 100% wrong but it’s the whole killing humans thing, y’know? I mean, remember how much grief we gave Faith for it? And I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean to do it. Not like you, Willow, who clearly meant to…”

They all stared as a freakish wind from nowhere began to blow Willow’s black hairdo completely upright and her facial veins began to throb fiercely. Buffy hurriedly changed her tune.

“Uh…wow, uh…forget I said that. Anyway, I can see how the little punks deserve everything you’re gonna give them and hey, it’s not like I like them. In fact, they’ve been major pains in my extremely tight ass. So really, go right ahead.”

Willow smiled, invoked a sparkly purple vortex, and whirled off to the jail.

“What at exit,” said Anya admiringly. She waved in the general direction that Willow had disappeared. “Bye! Bye, Willow! You go girl! Go and get them! Oh look…she left the remains of the vines that she used to bind Warren. Cool! A souvenir. Probably destined to be worth a lot of money.”

“Okay, I could do with a mocha,” decided Buffy, grabbing a frozen Xander by the hand and hauling him off toward the Magic Box. “All this moral reasoning makes Buffy a thirsty girl.”

Anya gathered up the blackened and burned vines and hurried after them, darting longing glances back at the clearing. What an exciting night this had been. Brought back memories…

* * * * *

The Scoobys had gathered at the Magic Box to talk about what they were going to do next weekend. Nobody had any particularly interesting ideas. They were all sitting on stools around the front counter. Buffy had her mocha.

“I was going to make some tea,” revealed Giles. “And then…I was going to drink it.”

“I don’t like tea,” whined Anya. “I like alcohol. And ooh, hard drugs. Hard drugs are good too.”

“But where are we gonna get hard drugs from and more importantly, how are we going to pay for them?” mused Xander. “I’m flat broke. Anya here shelled me out again.”

“Candybum, we NEEDED that dildo,” chastised the ex-demon. When the others looked at her in incomprehension she eyed Xander’s crotch meaningfully and clarified. “Okay, I really needed that dildo. I just once wanted that sensation of being filled.”

“Anya!” Xander was mortified.

“I can get the hard drugs if Buffy can get the cash,” revealed Dawn. “I know these kids in my grade at school.”

“Yippee!” said Giles and shoved his hands into his pockets in an exuberant fashion. “Jolly good news indeed. Buffy? Can you come up with the money?”

“The dead are pretty slim pickings,” said the Slayer with a slight pout. “I always check their pockets, but God, it’s like they leave their earthly savings to living members of their families, y’know?”

“You could rob something,” suggested Xander speculatively.

“In this dead-end town?” Buffy rolled her eyes. “There’s nothing. All the Big Bads have stolen everything worth stealing but they use it up with their no-good lifestyles before I can get my hot little hands on it. Sucks.”

The doorbell rang as Evil Willow opened it and floated on in.

“Hi guys,” she said brightly. There was blood and…other things all over her tight black dominatrix outfit. Fortunately that didn’t detract from her attractiveness in any way. If anything it made her seem more exotic and dangerous.

“You’re levitating instead of walking now?” asked Giles. “You know you’ve been using an awful lot of magic lately. Are you sure that’s healthy?”

“It’s fun,” whined Willow.

“Oh indubitably,” said Giles cleaning his glasses. That couldn’t be bone marrow and puss that he had seen down Willow’s cleavage. He really needed to get his eyes checked again.

“Did you have a good time?” asked Anya, resting her chin on her hand and fluttering her eyelashes in Willow’s direction.

“Oh yeah,” Willow started picking something out of her teeth. “It was the greatest. Better than Warren. Hey, it was better than sex!”

“Really?” Anya glanced over at Xander and looked thoughtful. “Yeah, I remember it being that way too…”

“In fact,” revealed Evil Willow, floating even closer and crossing her eyes as she passed a scared-stiff Dawn, “it gave me an idea. This town is going to the hellmouth in a handbasket fast. It needs a strong leader. Someone with vision and the power to back it up. So I’m thinking I’ll be the new Mayoress.”

“You’re running for Mayor?” asked Xander. He casually took a sip of his mocha. He’d pushed his earlier confusion and moral quandary deep into the recesses of his mind. Ah, denial. The key to life in Sunnyhell.

“No Silly,” laughed Willow. “I’m gonna kill the current idiot and all his entourage and sit myself down in his nice comfty chair.”

They all stared at her doubtfully.

“I’m joking, I’m joking,” she said. “Of course I’m not going to kill ALL his entourage. I’m gonna need some of them to suck up to me and do my dirty work.”

“Good plan,” said Anya, nodding thoughtfully. “But make sure you don’t kill him while he’s actually in his chair. Leather and bloodstains – not a great combination.”

“No, Willow!” Buffy stepped into the middle of the Magic Box and faced off with her best friend. “I can’t let you do it.”

“Do what?” asked Giles. “I’m sorry, but I’m not following this conversation. All your young hip terms have me banging my head against the proverbial wall. Kill the mayor? What exactly do you mean by that?”

“What are you gonna do, Buffy?” taunted Evil Willow, ignoring the Watcher.

“Uh,” said Buffy. “Uh…why are you looking at me there? Is my zipper undone?”

“Not yet,” said Willow.

She floated towards Buffy with an evil cackle as her head rotated the full 180 degrees. The Slayer not surprisingly shrieked like a girl, threw up her hands and ran as fast as her legs would carry her towards the back room.

“Buffy!” screamed Dawn. “You can’t leave us here with her! You can’t leave me here! I’m your responsibility! I’m the millstone around your neck! Don’t go! Buffy! Buffy! Buffy?”

There was a slam as Buffy reached relative safety and barred the door shut. They could all hear her piling heavy objects against it on the other side.

“Ooh,” said Anya with a little shiver. “This is so exciting! Better than pay per view.”

“And the mocha’s good,” agreed Xander, continuing to sip his calmly.

“SHE’S GONNA KILL US ALL!” shrieked Dawn and then she squealed, really high and for an amazingly long time. They all covered their ears and grimaced in pain, except for Willow who turned and zoomed back on over.

“Shut up!” she commanded.

When Dawn didn’t comply she waved her hand and the girl vanished in an accommodating flash of fire. An acrid stench filled the air.

“Where’d she go?” asked Xander, looking relieved that the horrible noise had stopped.

“Who cares,” said Anya.

“Indeed,” said Giles. Then he blinked and caught himself. “No, no, that’s not right at all. Where’d you teleport her to, Willow? Safely back home?”

“Uh…” Willow’s black eyes studied her fingernails. “Uh…yeah. I sent her to her…ha ha ha…home. Ha ha.”

“Well that’s good,” said Giles, staring over at the barred back room door. “Why’s Buffy over there?”

“She’s not out yet,” explained Willow. “She has issues with…openness, and hey, I guess I’m the one who likes people to watch.”

“Watch what?” asked Giles.

“This,” said Willow and snapped her fingers. A shocked Buffy materialized lying spread-eagled on the counter in front of them all, magically held in place.

“Hi Buffy,” said Xander, sipping Anya’s mocha. He’d finished his.

“You’re not as pretty up close.” That was Anya.

“You’re overdressed.” That was Willow.

She waved her hand and Buffy’s clothes disappeared in a cloud of fire and smoke.

They all gasped. The Slayer had a tattoo in curling Celtic text just beneath her breasts with a little tattoo of an arrow pointing up at them. It said, ‘The Chosen One and Two’.

Xander forgot to be sipping his mocha.

Anya drooled onto Buffy’s navel.

Giles took off his glasses and started to clean them. Really, he must be going blind. Or else he was hallucinating. Had that long weekend of hard drugs already started?

“Verrry nice,” said Willow and levitated so that she was kneeling over the prone Slayer. “You’ve been just asking for this, Buffy.”

“I have?” the Slayer stared rebelliously up at her.

“Oh yeah,” Anya agreed. “Remember when you said you wanted your Willow?”

“I meant, here with me. Not like want, want.”

“But you said she was coming in your house.”

“TO my house. Coming to my house. Geez.”

“But you said you were having a sleepover.”

“So?”

“So? A sleepover! We all know what happens at sleepovers. Leastways it’s happened at every sleepover I’ve ever been to.”

“Uh, Willow?” Xander looked shocked out of his previous ‘heavy on the denial’. “This is great and everything, really, a dream come true, but uh, it’s kinda out of character.”

“How so?” Black eyes regarded him closely and he broke out in a cold sweat.

“Uh…well, you’ve never really indicated that you, uh, wanted to have your way with the Buffster. And it’s not like we haven’t talked over this topic because I know I’ve mentioned it lots of times.”

“You what?” Anya darted a murderous glance at her boyfriend. “And Willow doesn’t have to indicate! She’s gay. Naturally she wants every hot woman she sees.” She smiled coquettishly up at the witch. “Right Willow? Baby?”

But Willow wasn’t listening. She was somewhat focused on kissing Buffy silly.

Giles who had put his glasses back on leapt to his feet in sudden panic. “Oh no! What happened? Why is Willow giving Buffy mouth to mouth? Did Buffy die again? Or is she just badly injured?”

“Open your eyes, Giles, and smell the Big Stinking Evil,” shouted Xander, starting to get really worked up. “Willow is Evil. Eeev-villl. Like uh, like y’know the Trio? Who she just freakin’ tortured and killed? Did I mention she enjoyed it? EVIL!”

“There must be some mistake,” said Giles, wiping his forehead with his handkerchief. “Dearest Andrew can’t be dead. Oh not he.”

Everybody stopped what they were doing and stared at the Watcher with burning curiosity.

“His girlish lilting voice shall haunt my dreams forever,” said Giles, his eyes misty and far away. “His cherry lips and his creamy white body – oh, he shall be missed indeed.”

“Oh My God,” said Xander. “Oh My…”

“Oh Xander…” Giles teary eyes focused on the horrified teenager. “What will I do now? Hold me. Comfort me.” He collapsed crying into Xander’s arms.

“Oh My God,” said Xander yet again. He dropped the sobbing Watcher on the ground and ran desperately out the door.

“Wow,” said Anya, staring distastefully down at Giles. “Is everybody in this town gay except for me?”

“Oh, I don’t know Anya,” purred Willow. “You’re not exactly as straight-laced as they come. Here, suck my finger.”

“Yes!” Anya pumped one fist in the air, not seeming to notice the hypocrisy of her actions. “I KNEW you wanted me. Wanted me bad.”

With a roll of her eyes, Willow teleported both the ex-demon and the weeping Watcher to somewhere else…where? How should I know? Remember, she hasn’t perfected that spell yet.

“Now we can be alone,” the witch told Buffy who looked…somewhat pleased at the prospect. The Slayer wasn’t exactly complaining as Willow started licking her way down her bare torso. It was more like:

“So how long is this evil thing going to last?”

“Dunno.”

“It’s not going to be wearing off tonight is it?”

“Nope.”

“Uh…Mmm…good.”

FINIS