Buffy*Loves*Willow:: Re: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for April and May 2004 - CORRECT VERSION

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO:  The Director of Public Safety, all Department Heads, and all other
interested parties.

FROM: United Vegetable Empire 

SUBJECT:  End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
April and May 2004


> Item 2:
>
> Regarding the All-Lurker Conga Line that wowed us at the Return of BB Block
> Party; according to a Lurker spokesperson, once we were able to lure said
> Lurker out of the shadows and away from her bolthole, we learned the origins
> of this spontaneous show of Lurker activity.  Apparently said conga line was
> started by a deliriously happy Lurker who began chanting "A Wicca Gets The
> Wiggins. A Wicca Gets The Wiggins. A Wicca Gets  The Wiggins" before the
> Lurker realised what was happening an entire conga line was formed and we
> had all kinds of Lurkers out in the open dancing around and partying even
> before we got the Block Party going.  And best of all. we even managed to
> get it on tape. especially that one Lurker who did that quick/heated little
> tango with Blade of Souls before dumping Dan into the swimming pool.  In all
> it was a classic Block Party. just classic!

Would the members of the conga line who borrowed the grass skirts please
return them?  We need them next week for the Just For the Heck of it Lua.
Especially since it seems that the grass is the only member of the Vegetable
Empire who remembers where we stored the tiki torches after the last one.
We really need to organize the Palace storage when we're sober sometime.


> Item 4:
>
> Regarding the SPORK controversy between the new DISH department and the
> Koala Kult, in which both groups claim the name.   DISH is claiming that the
> name SPORK belongs to their Special Projects Operations Raids and Kidnapping
> Unit that was formed to aid in the deprogramming of List-members who had
> been brainwashed into becoming Riley and Mutt-boy shippers.  While the Koala
> Kult claims the name belongs to their Spiked Punch Orgies Raves and Karaoke
> union that is in charge of planning and setting up of all Koala Kult
> festivals and parties.   The dispute has been brought before the Senior
> Executive Committee of List Gutter Affairs in hopes of finding a peaceful
> solution and hopefully avoiding a DISH/Koala Kult dance off.  We just got
> the Demonic Cabbages to stop dancing; we don't need them to start doing it
> again!  The Cabbages river danced for 67 hours straight!  There was talk of
> having the whole patch burned, mulched and putting up a mini-golf course. of
> course that brought up concern of the Cabbages coming back to haunt the
> mini-golf course and no one wants cabbage to come back on them!  The smell
> alone is. . :: trails off before giving self a hard shake as if to ward off
> unwanted images ::

Just a word of warning, anyone caught doing anything to cause the Demonic
Cabbages to start dancing again, will be forced to watch 1000 hours of
Barney as punishment.  The same episode of Barney.

 
> Item 5:
>
> "A Wicca Gets The Wiggins. A Wicca Gets The Wiggins. A Wicca Gets The
> Wiggins. A Wicca Gets The Wiggins.."  :: entire room stops what they are
> doing and watches as the conga line goes by waving their mugs of spiked
> jungle juice around merrily ::

Oh, well, if you're still using the grass skirts that's okay.  Just ask them
where we put the tiki torches.


> Item 6:
>
> Tater, will you please come and get the veggie claiming to be the Lone
> Rutabaga in search of his trusted companion Truffles?  He is beginning to
> get on the nerves of the tall, semi-reformed, grumpy, ex-warlord who has
> such a low threshold of patience when it comes to having her 'bard cuddle
> time' interrupted.  While we would normally let the matter correct itself,
> the little Amazon Bard seems to think the Lone Rutabaga is 'kinda-cute' in a
> weird veggie sort of way and the last thing we need is for her to develop a
> fondness for it and wanting to keep it or something.  Such an event is
> almost certain to 'miff' the aforementioned Destroyer of Nations which
> always leads to lots of pain and missing body parts if she should get it
> into her head that anyone encouraged the aforementioned veggie to pester her
> while she was pouncing on her bard.

Whoops.  Sorry.  He's harmless and we're so used to ignoring him that we
didn't realize he'd wandered off.  I'll retrieve him immediately.



> Item 7:
>
> The Office of Gutter Safety, working with the Amazon Royal Cooks, has
> ordered a stop to all production/baking of nutbread until there is a
> thorough inspection of the Amazon cooking hut.  This is strictly a
> precautionary step to ensure that there are no adverse components in the
> baking of nutbread that could put the little Amazon Bard at risk which would
> result in sending her soul mate into a homicidal rage.  It is common
> knowledge that Gabrielle is rather sensitive to certain herbs.and the last
> thing we want is for her to be out leading rock choruses.  I don't need to
> remind everyone that all of our rocks are quite tone deaf to begin with, not
> to mention that quite a few of them are N'Sync and Backstreet Boys fans.

I don't even want to think about what would happen if the Demonic Cabbages
heard the rocks singing Backstreet Boys music.  **shudder**

 
> Item 10:
>
> Regarding the suspected Lawn Gnome Training Camp in Mrs. Greely's front
> yard. according to the Office of Gutter Intelligence and Wild Rumour
> Mongers, the camp is stepping up its campaign to produce Lawn Gnome
> Terrorists in a bid to take over the Possessed Demonic Cabbage Patch in an
> effort to get Green Eggs and Ham elected to the Office of Prime Minister of
> the Salad Coalition in an hostile bid to takeover of the United Vegetable
> Empire. Mrs. Greely's front yard will be napalmed in a joint
> counter-terrorist strike of Gutter Security and UVE forces to wipe out the
> Lawn Gnome threat as soon as possible. along with any stray pink flamingos
> and lawn jockeys we may fine.

Upon careful consideration it occurs to me that lawn gnomes, being made of
concrete, are likely to be napalm resistant.  This could be a problem.
Anyone know what's good for killing concrete?
  

> Item 11:
>
> I would like to take the time to remind the List that I am NOT evil. merely
> socially challenged.  :: insert big grin here ::

Suuuuure you're not evil.  I believe you.  Excuse me while I laugh hysterically.


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)
Head: United Vegetable Empire



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"I kinda love you."
Buffy & Willow, 'Choices'

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